Chapter 18: Chapter Seventeen

Hello :)

Seth’s Point of View

I woke up face to face with Travis; one of his arms tucked underneath is head and the other around my waist. After I told him everything I managed to get him to calm down and go to sleep. I think he’s mad at me but at the same time he’s not; scared, I guess. I’ve hurt him so many times and I don’t want to anymore. I’m glad he’s resting now. I’m sure we spent more than an hour on the roof. I was freezing and he was shivering so I told him we had to go down. He had picked me up in his arms and carried me to my bed (he knew I didn’t want to be anywhere near his room) there, he held me and for the first in a long time I felt safe. I felt like nothing could hurt me and I’m fine.

I gently removed his arm from around me and slowly got out of bed so that I didn’t wake him up. Entering the kitchen, I switched the light on and got myself a bowl of cereal. 12:35 A.M. I read on the stove. I slowly ate my cereal; trying hard not to think about today, well, yesterday now that it’s after twelve.

“SETH!” Travis’ voice rang through the house, followed by a loud thud. I scrambled to my feet and ran towards the bedroom. Turns out Travis was running this way too for he bumped into me, almost knocking me over like that day almost two years ago in the hallway. Only this time he looked scared and instead of apologizing like last time he hugged me. I realized, by the heavy sigh he let out, he was hugging me like he thought something happened to me. He must have freaked out when he woke up and I wasn’t there.

“I’m right here,” I told him.

“I woke up and I didn’t see you and I thought I was dreaming that I pulled you over and…and…I thought you were gone. You can’t just get up and leave like that. I was so scared. Don’t—please, don’t do that again”

“I won’t, I’m sorry.” There were so many things I was apologizing for but most of all I was apologizing for having him like this. He’s so worried and afraid now. I wish I hadn’t been so broken and stupid. I wish I hadn’t decided that I needed him right away then everything would have been fine. Correction, most things would have been fine.

“Please come back to bed,” he begged.

“Okay,” I said. “I have to turn off the light first”

“It has a sensor it’ll go off by itself.” He finally stopped hugging me and took my hand instead so we could walk to my room. We climbed underneath the covers and lie down so that we were facing each other. The moonlight peaking through the window was perfect light to shine on his beautiful face so that I could see him. “Are you okay?” He asked after a while of watching me. I know what he was thinking that entire time he was staring. It’s like the roles have been completely reversed. I know Travis is strong. He’s a strong person with a big heart. But now I feel like I have made him a little fragile. I can see how worried and scared he is and it’s all because of me. I hope I can fix it. “Come back,” Travis said and I realized I had zoned out.

“I don’t know,” I answered his first question. “Maybe I’m not affected or it hasn’t fully hit me yet.” He nodded his head.

“Go ahead and ask me what’s been bothering you”

I knew exactly what he’s talking about. “I don’t care,” I said sternly.

“Okay,” he mumbled like it wasn’t a big deal.

“How long had that been going on?” I hadn’t meant for my voice to sound so cold and harsh but I guess I don’t have as much control over my emotions as I thought I did.

“Let me tell you what happened before I came here. I won’t go into details because I’m not trying to hurt you. Wyatt is the son of an employee at my parent’s company, the one back home. I used to get into these moods and I thought about you more than usual. I felt all these emotions and I didn’t know what to do with them. They ripped me apart and I start to think all kinds of crazy things. It was like I felt trapped in my own head and I just wanted to get out. One day I went to the office because my mom and I were supposed to have lunch together and I bumped into him. He asked me out and I said yes. I thought it would help. Instead of trying to get to know each other on the date he ended up knowing more about you than he did about me. He suggested that I should try to feel something physical instead of something emotional for once and that’s how it happened.”

“And yesterday?”

“You kissed me at the hospital. I was angry for so many things, one being that you kissed me but not because you wanted to. It took me a while to realize how much that had hurt but I understood why you did it. I was angry because you kissed me and it was like I forgot everything and all I could feel was your lips and how much I wanted it, how much I wanted you. Then I remembered everything, more like felt everything. It was wonderful and it was painful. I was so confused and I was crying…I just wanted it to stop and that was the only way I knew how to, even if it was temporary. Wyatt came over and I showed him to—”

“I don’t to hear anymore”

“I didn’t do anything, I already told you that,” he snapped at me. At least I know the Travis that wouldn’t hesitate to tell me his mind was still there. “I showed him my room and told him I’d be back. I went to get water from the fridge and when I came back he was already naked. I was already having second thoughts about it. I didn’t do anything, I didn’t want to anymore. What you walked in on was Wyatt and I getting dressed after another episode of me spilling my heart out to Wyatt about you. I was getting dressed to go to you. I was going to tell you how I felt but you walked in and saw what you saw and you know the rest”

“So you were never together?” I questioned, just to make sure.

Travis looked at me intently, the way he does when he barely squint his eyes but the look is there. “No, we weren’t. You were the one with a boyfriend,” he accused, but I could hear the playful tone in his voice. “Not that I care, but what happened?”

I sighed. “I wouldn’t really let him touch me if you know what I mean. It just felt weird and I didn’t like it. He didn’t know who you were, not even your name—nothing. What he knew was that I was in love with you and he broke up with me.” It wasn’t the truth but I knew that was far from what he expected me to say.

He blinked a couple times and the look he was giving me had my heart just about ready to rip through my chest. “You said ‘was’. Are you still in love with me?” His voice cracked a little as he asked.

“Since junior year, you’re the first and only person I have ever loved. There hasn’t been a time in my life since I met you when I wasn’t in love with you, whether I acknowledged that fact or not.” Even if I could find the words, they could not come close to telling him how much I love him.

He slowly caressed my cheek with the back of his hand and I relished the feel of his sensitive touch. The feel of his gentleness calmed my heart and made it beat faster at the same time.

Travis moved his head forward and I followed his actions. Our eyes stayed connected until our lips touched. I don’t know about him but I closed mine as soon I felt it. My stomach felt like a grenade had just exploded inside and released butterflies instead of an explosion. I moved closer, just wanting to feel him. I wrap an arm around his waist as our lips moved passionately against each other. His tongue traced my bottom lip and I opened to let him in. Even then, my body only reacted with love and all I felt was love.

We pulled apart and Travis rested his forehead between the crook of neck. The feel of his breath fanning my skin was such a familiar feeling it brought tears to my eyes.

I felt his tears soaked my chest as he whispered, “I felt like I was living in hell without you. I’ve missed you so much.” That’s all it took for me to start crying like a baby.