Chapter 20: Chapter Nineteen

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Throughout the entire funeral Seth didn’t say a word. It was as if he wasn’t even there. When he woke up this morning he didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to hug me or kiss me like he has done these past couple days and that I understand. It didn’t bother me at all I just wish he would talk to me or let me be there for him. When my mom picked us up Seth only greeted her and Dave and didn’t say anything else. When we got to the church he sat in the back and we had no choice but to sit there with him.

The only time anyone was aware of his presence was at the cemetery when he went to put flowers on his mom and sister’s coffin. Everyone’s attention turned to him. To Seth it was it was just him, his mom and his sister. He stood there for a few minutes. No one bothered him or said a word to him. They let him have his moment. After he finished saying what I assumed to be his good byes he came back and stood right next to me where he was.

After the burial his father had tried to speak to him. In that moment I had thought Seth should speak to him but Seth ignored him and went to sit in the back of the car. No one asked any questions. No one said anything. Two hours later my mom had to leave for China. We said our goodbyes and she had Seth walk her down to the lobby. I have no idea what went on there.

Without a word he came back up and started making dinner, which I told him he didn’t have to and even offered to do it but he ignored me. I had thought the best thing to do was leave him alone because that’s what he seemed like he needed but I couldn’t find the nerve to even be within a few steps from him. He needed me. He didn’t act like it, he never said it nor did I expect him to because I knew better and I knew he needed me.

And now, here we are. I’m watching TV and Seth’s typing up a storm on my desktop. I’ve learned that when he’s avoiding something, someone, even himself, he turned to his books. I wish he would turn to me instead. I know I can be there for him. I can hold him, I can hug him, and I can tell him that I love him. He needs love and I love him.

Apparently he wasn’t answering his phone either. Hunter texted me asking if he was okay, to which I lied. It was the right wrong thing to do.

“Where’re you going?”

“Bed.”

Sighing, I got up and followed him. To my surprise, he went to his room instead of mine. Ever since the…the…rooftop thing (my chest hurts just thinking about it) we’ve slept in the same bed and now he doesn’t want to sleep with me? Is it really that hard for him to be around me? Maybe it’s my fault. I didn’t give him space and now he’s taking it.

I put some pajamas on and went to bed. My head automatically turned to the side where I’ve gotten so accustomed to Seth lying in just a couple days. All I want is for him to be okay. At the moment I know that’s not possible but I can still wish and want and hope. The need to get up and go to him was overwhelming, very much so, but I held myself in check.

Sighing, I closed my eyes and unsuccessfully convinced myself to go to sleep. It was minutes later I felt the bed dip. I was so caught up in my own thoughts and thinking about Seth that I didn’t hear him come in. My eyes were wide with shock when I felt the covers move and the movement of Seth moving closer to me.

“Go to sleep babe,” he said. “I’m fine.” I didn’t believe him but somehow that comforted me and I felt myself dozing off. Deep in my sleep, I vaguely heard Seth speaking to me. I wanted to hear what he had to say so I woke myself up and listened. The back of his fingertips gently stroking my cheek was the most soothing sensation I have ever felt. “I love you so much, Travis.” I couldn’t stop the sigh that I breathed through my nose. “You saved my life in so many ways. I would be broken if I didn’t have your presence to constantly remind me of a reason to go on. To be honest I think I would forget what I feel for you if you weren’t here. There’s so much pain in my heart and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to feel about it. It takes over everything I feel.”

“My mom and my sister—in a way I lost them a long time ago, but now, they’re really gone, Travis. They’re gone and I’m never going to see them again. Maybe I am broken but you make me feel whole. You make me whole. Travis…” he trailed off after that. Slightly, I opened my eyes as I felt him leaving the bed. I watched him thinking he was going to go right to where his room was but he went to the left.

Leaning towards my better judgment and the gut feeling I had, I went after him. Entering the living room, it was illuminated by the moonlight pouring through the window. The window that Seth opened the blinds to stare out of. His silhouette looked sad and dejected.

I went and stood next to him and that was the exact moment his shoulders started shaking. A small whimper—almost inaudible sounded to my ear. That same whimper turned into a sob and that sob turned into a loud cry. Tears began springing out of my eyes like a fountain. I went and wrapped my arms around him. He grabbed my shirt in his fist and he bawled. His body went limp and he slowly crumbled to the floor, bringing me with him.

Everything hurt. It was like his pain was being projected onto me somehow and the more he cried, I cried. Eventually he stopped crying and I stopped too. With beautiful puffy eyes, he stared at me. Both our hands reached up to each other’s face at the same time and we gently wiped each other’s tears away.

“You heard me,” he stated. It wasn’t a question. I nodded. “I’m tired,” he said. Nodding, I stood up and pulled him up with me. We went to my room and cuddled up to each other, with arms wrapped around waists and legs tangled in the most loving way possible.

***

“I don’t know why we’re going to school,” I complained to Seth. In fact, I’ve been complaining since he woke me up this morning. “I mean, we got the okay from the Dean. We’ve been keeping up with our assignments and readings. You don’t have to go until you’re ready, right?”

“Right. Which is why I’m going. This is the last week then we have thanksgiving break.”

I sighed. “Okay.” He kissed me quickly, then got out the car and disappeared to direction of his class.

Due to the short consecutive classes, there’s an hour lunch break at twelve. So I bought us some food at the sub station and a milkshake for Seth and told him to meet me. Strangely, he looked much better than he did this morning and a lot better than he did this past week. Looks like school was just what the doctor ordered.

“Did I miss something?” I couldn’t help but ask.

He shook his head. “No, I missed something.”

My brows furrowed. “No one likes school, Seth”

“I know,” he laughed. “But for most people school was like getting up and going to hell everyday, but, for me, it was the opposite. I get out of hell to go to school, that was my freedom. Travis?”

“Hmm?”

“I want to get a tattoo. I never thought of getting one before but it just seems right.”

I pushed his food towards him and put the milkshake directly in his hand. “Eat. You lost weight.”

“I’m not hungry. Did you hear what I said?”

“I heard you loud and clear, Seth. I’m not acknowledging what you said until you eat something.” Seriously, if he knew what went through my mind when he gets all angry he would obstruct from doing so. Unless he was some type of sadist and I didn’t know about it. “About your tattoo?”

“It’s for Amelia. I drew it.” I realize now it was on the table this entire time. He pushed it forward and I turned it around so I was no longer looking at it upside down.

“Wow.” It was a picture of an angel holding a little girl. His wings were spread widely and he was looking up. He was obviously flying up to heaven. In his hands were a little girl wrapped in drapes for clothing, her head was hung back. Atop the tattoo, the words: For Amelia. On the bottom it said: Rest In Paradise. Underneath that was the date and year of her birth and the date and year of her death. Both dedications were written bold and beautifully in a fancy cursive writing. “It’s really beautiful. I didn’t know you could draw this good.”

His cheeks tinted and it made him look even more beautiful. “Thank you”

“Where are you going to get it?”

“I have three places in mind, my back, my chest, or my shoulder. I don’t know yet.”

“What about your mom?” I knew that was a tough spot for him. No matter the relationship they have I know he loves her and whether she showed it to him I know she loved him too. She was sick, obviously. My mom once told me that no matter what a mom says to her child or how he acts she’ll love that child forever. She said that the mom felt the love for the child from the womb and that never goes away. Yes, that love can be misconstrued and projected the wrong way but it’s love.

“Let not your wounds be forgotten but turn into scars. Let love find its way and heal your heart.” He read that from a piece of paper then hand said paper to me. “I went to my father’s house to get my mail from the mailbox. That was in an envelope mailed to me from my mom. I want to get that tattooed in a short paragraph like form on my ribcage.”

“Tell me where and when so I can go with you. Be there with you. Be there for you. However you want to put it,” I told him.

He smiled beautifully. “Really?”

“Definitely.”

***

Seth was right. The week flew by like it was nothing. I placed my bag in the trunk along with Seth’s and handed my laptop in the case to him. He wasn’t nervous yet because we had two whole days to ourselves before my family arrives. I can’t wait to see how he is with everyone. Hopefully it’s not too much for him and being with my family makes him feel better instead of worst. I know everyone is going to love him.

Shit, Michaela. Turning my head, I glanced at Seth and winched. Fuck. She’s going to give him hell. Even though I forgave him and I’m way pass everything, Michaela’s overly protective of me even though I’m her big brother and I can take care of myself—she’s not so forgiving.

Hello my readers, my fans, my voters, my commenters. Sorry for the long wait. I've been busy and uninspired. And now I wrote and now my wrist hurts. Blah. Well...enjoy. I hope this chapter was worth the wait.