Chapter 3: Chapter Two

Guys, please give this chapter a chance. It’s really important and maybe it'll answer some of your questions.

Seth’s Point of View

My phone vibrated on my bedside table, sending a buzzing sound through the room. Reaching over, I sighed and picked the small device up, scanning the screen. It was a text from my boyfriend, Luke, saying he missed me and he wanted to see me. I contemplated if it’s really worth getting in trouble to go see him since it was already late. My phone vibrated again and as I guessed it was Luke begging me to come see him. Knowing that if I didn’t he was going to tell me a bunch of shit and make guilt consume me.

I went to the corner of the room where my old beat up converses sat and put them on. Next to it was fresh pair of black Vans that I bought to wear to school, the new semester started in just a week. It took me a while to save up enough money to get a pair. Even though I work my ass off I can’t afford much because I have to pay rent to my landlord, also known as my father.  I wish I could get my own place but I would never survive. He pays for gas and electric and there’s food in the house most of the time because he’s a fat cunt that likes to eat and for that I’m thankful. Okay, I lied. He’s not fat, which if he were would be good but unfortunately he just likes to eat.

Before I snuck out, I pushed my dresser from the door and unlocked it. I listened if anyone was coming up the stairs, when I heard nothing I went to the opened window and jumped from the edge unto a nearby tree and climbed down, landing in the neighbors backyard.  Hurriedly, I jumped the fence before the old woman started yapping and yelling, which would get me in a ton of trouble. I ran on the backstreet for four blocks then made my way back to the main street to catch the bus. It took forever to come and time after I time I wondered if it was a sign that I shouldn’t be going to see Luke. But just as I turned, the bus pulled up and I hopped on with the rest of passengers. I sent a text to Luke, letting him know I’m on my way.

The ride to Luke’s town was only half an hour. He lived with his parents and if he wanted me to come over it meant they weren’t home. I walked the block to his house, my hands in my old jeans and my head down. I don’t like making eye contact with people and I don’t like the way they look at me. I can see the judgment leaking from their brain through their eyes but they don’t know that. The eyes are the most honest things about a person. Even when you’re lying they betray you and let the truth out.

I pressed the white circular button and waited patiently for Luke. It didn’t take him long to open the door and once he did he pulled me inside and he was all over me. His hands went underneath my shirt, roaming my chest and over my nipple while his mouth and tongue attacked mine. He grabbed me against him, turned us around and began walking. I don’t know what I felt when we kissed, I’m not sure if I felt anything but the least I could do was return his affection, so I did as best I could.

We kissed for a few more minutes. My heart began thumping against my chest when I felt his hands going down my chest and over the buttons on my pants. I tried to move his hand but he slapped mine away, grabbing them and holding them against my head on the arm of the couch. He undid the button and I squirmed. I don’t want this; can’t he tell that I don’t? His hand went to inside anyways, grabbing a hold of me and that’s when panicked really kicked in and I kneed him in the gut. He groaned, letting my hands go and I pushed him back, trying to get up.

He caught my wrist in his hand, jerking me back. It happened so fast that only the sting on my jaw made me realize what happened.

“Oh God, Seth I’m—”

Like lightening, my hand worked on it’s on and backhanded him right across his cheek. He seemed shocked that I actually hit him, probably remembering how I feel about violence but how dare he put is hands on me!

“I have to take that shit at home! I refuse to take it from you too!” I growled, reaching down and re-doing my pants. I surprise myself with the anger boiling inside of me. I rarely ever get angry and I’ve been getting angry lately. I hate that about myself so much because it reminded me of my father.

Luke was shaking his head as he looked at me, sadness filling his eyes. “I’m sorry, Seth but I can’t do this anymore”

“What do you mean you can’t do this? You’re the one who forced yourself on me and you hit me first!”

“I know, I know and I’m really sorry. I don’t know why I did it but…I can’t do this Seth. I’m not him, I can’t be and you know that—”

“Him? What the fuck are you talking about?” See? Anger! I hate it, it’s a disgusting trait and I want to have nothing to do with it. But can you blame me? He’s breaking up with me after he basically just jumped me!

“You don’t even realize it, do you?” He asked softly. His sadness had intensified and it hurt to see him like that.

“Realize what?”

“You were thinking about him. Whoever he is, I really don’t know but you kiss me like that every time you do”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said, folding my arms over my chest.

“Please don’t treat me like I’m stupid, it’s insulting and you know who or what I’m talking about.” I blinked, gritting my teeth together to stop myself from crying. “Seth, we’ve been together for four months and I can only grab your ass a few times and get away with it. Whenever we get really intimate and I try to touch you, you pull away from me mentally and physically.” I stayed quiet while I looked at my old beat up shoes.

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, my voice cracking as I spoke. I couldn’t hold them back anymore; the tears just came pouring down.

“Hey, hey,” Luke whispered, pulling me to him. “Don’t cry, you know how much I hate when you do.” That just made me feel worst and I started sobbing against his chest. I used him, basically, and he’s still being kind and sweet to me. He deserved so much better than me. All I am is some beat up, damaged kid.

“I should go.” He let me go but not before pressing his lips to mine.

“Even if we’re not together, I still love you and I’ll always care about you. When you get home if things get bad call me! I know you won’t call the cops but please call me…not just for that but if you need to talk call me”

“Thanks.” He smiled at me and walked me to the door.

On my way home, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Luke said. It was wrong what I did to Luke. Using him to fill that void in my entire being because I’m not with him. I had no choice and I’ll always regret leaving him the way I did. It was the worst mistake of my life and I wish I could change circumstances that made me leave him, that made me leave everything behind. I left everything including my friends, whatever life I had, and my heart. There’s no one I can give my heart to and Luke is proof that I tried. It just won’t happen. I can’t let it go—I can’t let him go. I still hope I’ll see him again. I still hope he’ll just randomly knock me over and I can somehow manage to win his heart back.

Every now and again I’m haunted by this dream. It’s the last memory I have of him. It’s the memory before I left him, when I woke up to my phone ringing in the bathroom. That call I got changed my life forever. And that’s how I left Travis, sleeping. In my dream, it felt like I was watching him but I couldn’t see myself. It was like I was viewing him from a camera. He was sleeping, so peacefully and I felt myself smiling as I watched him. I was so happy I gave myself to him. It was the best moment of my life. Never have I felt so much passion before. Then suddenly he would wake up and see me. His eyes were bright red from anger and every muscle in his body was visible tense. He started screaming at me, yelling about how much he hated me for leaving him. How I broke his heart and he hopes I never fall in love. I always wake up when he’s walking toward me.

“Fuck,” I grumbled when I opened the front door. The kitchen light was on and I heard a bottle breaking.

“Get in here boy!” The angry man screamed. I didn’t listen though; instead I dashed for the stairs. The staircase was closer to the kitchen and by the time I hit the first step he was already on my tail. He grabbed my leg pulling me back but I turned I kicked him, not knowing where and ran for my room. I locked the room and pushed the dresser behind it. Now I was panicking because I hit him and if he somehow made it through I’m dead. My eyes scanned the room thinking what I can do as he knocked on the door. I heard a loud thud against the door and the tears started flowing again as he cursed and screamed at me, calling me all sorts of names. Don’t freak out! Don’t freak out! I told myself over and over. I did a quick scan of the bed distance from the dresser to the wall. It’ll fit!  I grabbed one end of the bed and turned it so the foot was resting against the dresser and the head against the wall. He didn’t give up, he continued trying to get his way inside the room.

Cracks began appearing on the door. At this point I was sobbing hysterically not knowing what to do. Get in the closet, I remember my brother had said to me once when my father attacked him. And that’s what I did. I sat in the corner of my closet with the door closed and my hands over my ears trying to block out the sounds. Minutes had gone by and I cried so much my face started hurting.

Eventually, the banging stopped and I heard a sound like he finally passed out and fell on the floor. I stayed in my closet, rocking back and forth to calm myself down from my hysteria. My closet was where I fell asleep, praying that God would send someone to rescue me from this hell I’m in.