While this is not what I originally had in mind when I thought about getting some time to myself, running errands does allow me to have some time away from everyone. We are down to only a day's worth of milk now, and groceries need to be picked up. Before I can do any of that, though, I have a meeting with Alena.
She greets me with a smile when I walk into the clinic. All the windows are open to let in a breeze since it is so hot outside. It being the middle of summer, there is nothing we can really do to keep cool except to utilize loose clothing and open windows.
"Hey, Alden, how have you been?" she asks, giving me a quick hug before leading me back to her office. This place isn't that big, consisting of only the front sitting room, her office, and two patient rooms.
"Tired, but fine," I answer, taking the seat across from her desk.
"Good, I'm glad," she says, sitting in her own seat before shuffling around some papers. "Hopefully, Cora will be sleeping longer hours soon."
"Oh god, I hope so."
She laughs, finally finding the paper she was looking for and setting it down in front of her. "Here we go. Now, I already have most of Remy's form filled out, but you will have to do the other ones."
She hands three different pieces of stiff paper over to me, the words clearly typed out by a typewriter. Glancing up, I see that Alena has one that is in pretty good shape of her shelf.
The form seems simple enough, the letters on top bold: Half Moon Bay Citizen Registration
There are plenty of open spaces for the answers to the seven different questions. So, taking the pen Alena hands me, I begin to fill out the forms.
Mine and Finn's are easy enough, all the slots being filled in except for spouse on both of ours and occupation on mine.
But it is the kids' that stump me. First of all, I don't even know Remy's full name. We have been just calling him by the nickname ever since I met him. His form is mostly complete, his name being the only blank spot. And Viola only has a first and middle name. We never decided on a last name for her, too new to each other to choose something that important.
Alena is watching me with furrowed brows when I set the pen back down, most of the answers going unanswered. "Is everything alright?"
The question causes me to pause, my anxieties from before coming back anew. I have always thought of our little group as a family, but we don't even have any way of signifying that. Finn and I have different last names, Remy and Viola having no last name, and I don't know who I should put in the second slot designated for Cora's parents.
All in all, I am barely keeping my fingers from clenching up, crumpling the pristine paper. This isn't something I can ignore anymore.
"I don't know," I whisper. Clearing my throat, I stand from the chair on shaky legs, refusing to meet Alena's eyes, because I know if I do, the tears I am trying to keep back will fall. Shame curls in my gut, that I would cry over something like this, but I shush that voice inside my head. "Can I take these home and bring them back later? I have to talk to Finn about some things."
She stands as well, grabbing an empty manila folder from a drawer before walking around her desk and handing it to me. "Of course. I just need them by the end of the week."
"Thanks, Alena."
She gives me another smile, the worry clear on her face, but she doesn't say anything. For that, I am grateful.
The rest of my alone time goes by too quickly and too slowly at the same time. It feels as if I am in molasses as I go to the market, picking up some fresh foods and fish before walking to Erika's to pick up some of her pumped milk. But by the time I get back to the house, it is hard to recall the last hour.
Screaming greets me when I open the front door. The cries are familiar, those of Viola. But she barely ever cries like this. The cries I hear now are her real ones, the ones that come with crocodile tears and won't calm down unless she gets in at least an hour of cuddling.
My hands tighten on the groceries as I head up the stairs, nervous as to what I might see. Finn is anxiously pacing the living room, feeding Cora a bottle while Viola crawls after him. She clearly wants to be picked up, and I have to wonder how long she has been crying.
When she sees me, she cries out a loud "Da!" before crawling over to me. I barely manage to get the food put away before she is pulling on my pants leg. She comes into my arms easily enough, burying her face in my chest as she continues to cry.
Finn hasn't even stopped his pacing, and I walk over to him, having to step directly in front of him to get him to stop walking.
"Oh, Alden, I didn't know you were home."
Squinting my eyes, I take a closer look at my boyfriend, noticing that his eyes are half-lidded and his hair is a pretty wild, the auburn locks standing on end. It seems like he is exhausted, and from the way he keeps flinching every few breaths, I know that his ribs must be bothering him.
"What's going on in here?" I ask, gesturing at Viola, who is still crying, and Remy sitting in the corner, his bottom lip trembling.
"Things have been a little tense for the last twenty minutes," he mumbles, pulling the bottle away from Cora and lifting her up in his shoulder so he can burp her. "Remy and Viola had a small tussle earlier, and he had to go in time out after he purposefully tried to push her off the couch."
My eyebrows raise and I look over at Remy. The little boy meets my eyes for all of two seconds before the waterworks start, and then we have two crying children.
"I'll talk to him," I say. "But why is Viola still crying? She never cries like this."
"She calmed down after a little while, but then Cora got hungry, and I had to make a bottle. She got upset when I put her down and started screaming when I picked up Cora."
"You know how jealous she gets." Viola is finally starting to calm against me, her thumb in her mouth as she uses her other hand to clutch onto my shirt. "Why didn't you just sit on the couch with both of them, that way she could be near you while you fed Cora?"
He looks startled at my response, his mouth turning down in displeasure. "I didn't even think of that," he mumbles, bringing Cora back down to the crook of his arm after she lets out a hefty burp. "I can barely think anything with all of them upset about something."
Letting out a neutral acknowledgment, I go to sit on the couch, shifting Viola so she is sitting more comfortable in my lap. She lets out a soft whine but just cuddles closer to me.
"Remy, come here."
The little boy looks like he is going to ignore me but eventually comes over to me. He stands in front of my hands playing with the fray in my pants and refusing to meet my eyes.
"Why did you push Viola?"
He shrugs his shoulders, not saying anything. The tear tracks on his face soften my resolve, so I pull him onto my lap as well. He buries his face in my neck, fingers playing with my hair.
"I sorry, Daddy," he says, the name further lessening my upset, just as it always does.
"I'm not the one you should be apologizing to," I say, giving his leg a soft squeeze.
It takes him a minute but he eventually pulls just enough away from me so that he can see his sister. "I sorry, Vi." His arm reaches over to give her a brief hug.
She doesn't mind, just content to sit on my lap while sucking her thumb.
The other side of the couch dips down, catching my attention. Looking over, I see that Finn is watching us with sad eyes, Cora fast asleep in his arms. "You're so good with them."
The I'm not is silent but still manages to echo throughout the room. "So are you," I tell him, not lying in the slightest. It is clear that he loves them, but he is just not as affectionate. Him with Cora is the most I have seen him interact that way with one of the kids. "They are with me all day, every day. They just need to spend some more time with you, like today."
"And look how good that turned out," he says, eyes dropping down to look at Cora.
My heart clenches in my chest, and I can't help but reach out to him, no matter how upset I may be. It isn't his fault, and maybe that is why there is such a disconnect with the children. I have always been the one to take care of them most of the time, but with Cora, maybe Finn feels more of an obligation.
"It's hard taking care of three children, especially if two of them are under a year." I give his hand a squeeze. "In the moment, it's hard to always make the right decision. I certainly don't." I pause, trying to find the right way to say what I want to say. "And maybe if you gave them all the same amount of attention, instead of just Cora," I say softly.
My chest is tight, despite telling him what has been bothering me lately. His brows scrunch in confusion, eyes finally flicking up to meet mine.
"What are you talking about?" he says, hands tightening marginally around Cora.
Cocking my head to the side, I see that he is truly confused, not just refusing to admit what was going on. And... And the tightness in my chest is lessening. Because I can deal with obliviousness, genuine unknowing about what he was unintentionally doing.
Looking down, I see that Remy is fast asleep against me, while Viola is just starting to doze. I'm not so worried about her hearing anything since she won't understand, but I don't want Remy to hear something and misinterpret it. He has had too much to deal with in his life already.
"Finn, you have been wonderful with Cora, reacting to every little thing she does. But- But you have never done that with either of these two, and it seems like I am not the only one who has noticed." Giving his hand one last squeeze, I pull my hand away to rest it on Remy once more, wanting the comfort. "Remy never lashes out, and I have a feeling that his episode today has something to do with all the attention you are giving Cora. And Viola, she has been so jealous ever since Cora was born. Seeing you with Cora and not picking her up when she wanted the comfort, caused her to have a complete meltdown."
"I- I didn't even realize," he says, voice sounding completely broken. "Oh god, I'm a horrible father."
Shaking my head, I grab onto him again. "No, you're not. You would be a bad father if you were intentionally ignoring Viola and Remy, but you weren't. Now, we just have to fix this."
"How?" His eyes are glassy as he looks up at me, the desperation shining through his exhaustion. "I need to fix this, but I don't know how."
"Well," I say, readjusting the children in my lap so I can stand up. "All of you are going to take a nap since you clearly need it. We will figure the rest out later."
He looks reluctant, clearly wanting to berate himself more, but I don't want to hear it. Once I have Remy and Viola secure against me, I stand up from the couch, gesturing for Finn to follow me. It takes a few seconds, but he eventually pushes himself from the couch as well and trails behind me to the bedroom.
Usually, the kids nap in their own beds, but I think they need the closeness with their Papa right now.
Finn settles Cora into her bassinet, tucking the blanket around her as she likes, before laying down on the bed. It is far too warm for covers, so I just lay Viola and Remy on top. Viola snuffles at being moved, brows creasing in frustration, but before she can completely wake up, Finn is pulling her close, tucking her against him before doing the same with Remy. The sight of them all cuddled together brings a smile to my face and it takes a lot of effort to not lie down, too.
"Get some rest," I whisper, leaning down to press a kiss against all the little one's heads, before giving Finn a chaste one on his lips. "Love you."
"Love you, too," he murmurs, eyes already falling closed.
The house is silent once I walk out of the room. Anna and her children must be at the community center, where they have spent the last few days, and Derek is at work.
The folder with all the registration forms is still sitting on the counter, but I can't muster up the energy to look at them right now. Instead, I grab a random book from the nearest shelf and some sunscreen before walking to the back porch.
Finally, some time alone, and no guilt this time. And the heaviness in my heart is starting to settle, not nearly as strong as before.
Opening my book, I don't bother to contain my smile as I read the first chapter about a boy who lived in a cupboard under the stairs.