Chapter 39: Chapter 39

My shoulder pressed against the brick wall, fingers pressing hard into the biceps of my crossed arms as I watched him.

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Yeah."

Of course. I didn't even really need her confirmation. His name was all I could think of the moment I'd read Katrina's text. I didn't know anyone else in school who matched the description, and even if I didn't, no one wore the scent of cigarettes as proudly as he did.

"What are you gonna do?"

"What can I do?" Kale was sitting on a crowded picnic table in the courtyard, long legs stretched out with a girl nestled in between them on the bench. He wore a smile, looking pleased with himself in the company around him, but all I saw was a mask. "If what you've told me is true, he has no reason to come clean."

Katrina breathed a sigh. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed her look away from me and follow my line of sight. We both stood there a while as we stared, until she finally said, "What's the plan, then?"

I finally looked away. "Manage a passing average and hope senior year treats everyone better?"

"But, Jesse—"

"—Is better off without all of this," I finished for her. "Everyone is."

"But what about everything I said? Carson, he lied."

"Katrina..." I started, my voice feeling heavy. "I don't know what he did. Not really. All I understood from what you told me was that he"—I wave an agitated hand toward Kale—"lied to me all this time and I fell for it. But you also had all this time to come to me with this and you're only telling me now that it's over. And that's what it is, Kat. It's over."

She faltered, looking down. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

"Yeah," I scoffed, but the sour tone wasn't meant for her. I turned back to look at the blond on the table again. "He has a way of making you believe that."

Another silent moment. We could both hear the laughter in the distance, but we watched mutely.

"It just doesn't feel right," Katrina said.

I felt her words resonate in my mind, but I didn't have anything to say to it. It felt like I'd been lacking a proper reaction to hearing her side of the story, but not because what I'd learned had been shocking, but because deep inside, all I could feel was that I should've known better. Since day one, I hadn't entirely trusted Kale—and apparently neither did Katrina—but he so easily manipulated the situation and molded it in a way that fit the narrative he wanted to tell.

She'd tried warning me that day in the parking lot, but I naively thought she meant Farrah. And while I hadn't been entirely wrong, I still narrowly missed the king while I'd been so distracted with the pawn.

"Don't you think Jesse should know?"

I had tried swallowing that thought down earlier with no success. It only led to silly excuses to avoid any confrontation. And I surely wasn't short of them. "You know where he lives? Why don't you go?"

"I don't know where he—"

"I'll write it down for you."

Despite everything, Katrina managed a small laugh. "I don't think I'm in the position to break the news."

"And you think I am?" I asked.

Katrina's response was a blank stare and pursed lips.

I shook my head. "I'm sure he wants space. And besides, I'm sure I'm the last person he wants to see."

"Still..." Katrina's eyes went to Kale. "After hearing your take and knowing who he really is...Jesse really got the short end of the stick here. And he's been gone for days. Someone's gotta say something."

He'd been gone the same amount of time I had. Two days. He surely couldn't have been home sick as I had been, so I only had myself to blame for his absence.

"Maybe it's better if he doesn't know," a selfish part of myself voiced. "What difference does it all make, anyway? It's over—no amount of explaining will change anything."

"That is the most pessimistic thing you've ever said."

"I have my moments."

"Carson, he was drugged," Katrina urged. "And no! Don't give me that look—I know this is all on my side and I can't prove it, but he had to have been. I heard them talking about it. It makes sense."

My face was soft, but there was still doubt in my eyes. "Kat, I get what you're doing, but you don't know him. How would it make sense?"

"Well if I don't know Jesse, then you do. Did he ever seem like the type?"

No.

I sighed loudly. "Regardless of what really happened"—my eyes went to Kale again— "he's the one with the answers."

"But he won't tell you the truth."

"I know."

And again, for what might've been the tenth time that hour, Katrina and I stared over at Kale's table. The people around him were clearing out, grabbing their bags as they started departing in small groups. Kale remained where he was.

"If he won't tell the truth..." Katrina started. I felt her gaze on the side of my face. "Then what do you believe?"

I looked at her, a little taken aback.

A breath of air formed in my chest to say something, but nothing came out. My mother's words echoed in my mind instead, as did the promise I'd made to my dad.

The bell rang.

The bodies in the courtyard began to move in unison, laughter echoing around as students started leaving the area. Katrina and I remained there a while longer. A few people began walking by us, some entering and exiting through the doors where we were hidden in the shadows of. When the noise began to settle, Katrina's voice filled it.

"Carson..." I looked over to her as she spoke. "I know I haven't been the most honest with you. And I sure as hell know I haven't been the friend I should've been all this time—and it still might not be my place, but I see what you're doing."

I tried to keep my face expressionless, but my eyebrows still drew in a bit at what she was insinuating.

"It's not going to get anyone anywhere by bottling it in."

I swallowed the lump growing in my throat and looked down.

"It's up to you, though," she said. "Whatever you want to do, it's up to you. I'll be here—whatever it is."

I met her eyes, and I was reminded of how I'd felt that morning in my room. The fleeting dream of finally having my best friend back to hold my hand through everything. But while her words managed to fill the loneliness that had been lingering even after talking to my mom, I suddenly realized that I didn't need someone to hold my hand while I confronted my own mistakes. It sure would've made the journey easier, but if I could contribute to the mess myself, then I could make things right in the very same way, too.

"And I'm sorry," Katrina went on. "For not telling you what happened when it did and believing them without talking to you about it first."

This was getting a bit too emotional for me. I could only cross my arms, shifting around against the wall with my eyes on the floor.

"I'm sorry, too," I finally said.

She laughed.

Another student exited the doors beside us to wander into the courtyard. Katrina pushed away from where she was and held the door before it closed.

"I think skipping one class is enough for me," she said with a smile in her voice. She went to enter the building but hesitated when she saw I hadn't made any move to follow. "Are you coming?"

I could feel my heart thumping in my chest.

"I'll be right behind you," I told her.

She hesitated, but then nodded, slipping past a group of girls who were coming out. Once she was inside, the doors didn't open again.

* * *

When Katrina and I had been watching the table, it wasn't hard for me to deduce the reason why Kale was sitting there to begin with. It was far from any of the doors of the main building, tucked into an area of the courtyard that warded off any wandering eyes behind the large windows of the school.

It also was a decent spot to smoke, apparently. The air wasn't clouded with the smell of it, but as I approached, there were still remnants of it that lingered.

But while the table itself was isolated from the authority of the school, it wasn't entirely protected from the eyes of some students who skipped out on their lunch hour to spend their time outside.

It seemed like the smarter option to approach Kale then with eyes around, especially after what he'd done that day at the bleachers.

The girl who'd been sitting with him was leaving with two others. They all walked right by me, talking excitedly as they steered themselves toward the closest entrance to the building. Kale had been getting up to follow, stuffing a lighter into his back pocket when I entered his line of vision.

He came to a stop. His arm came back around him slowly, the lighter still there in his hands. His thumb played with the metal of the lid, flipping it open and closed. For a small second, his eyes went to the group of people leaving him behind before they settled back on me. He didn't say anything.

I crossed my arms. "Sorry to cut in."

"You don't look very sorry."

"Neither do you."

At that, he tilted his head, a small smile dancing at the edge of his mouth. "What could I possibly be sorry for?" he asked.

I wasn't quite sure how to respond. Despite already knowing he wouldn't give any answers willingly, I'd walked over with the resolve to get them anyway. But despite the determination, an aggressive strategy likely wasn't the route I should be taking.

"Sorry for what happened?" Kale probed, that smile still there. "Is that what it is? Are you feeling guilty, Carson?"

"Why would you think I feel guilty?"

"I looked for you a day or two ago until I realized you weren't even here at all."

"I was sick."

"Yeah," he said, laughing lightly. "At home away from everyone."

My face grew hard. "I'm not running away from anything."

"Seemed to me like you were."

"Well I'm here now, aren't I?"

"And why is that? Why are you here?" His thumb was still on top of the lighter, the metal clanging as he continued to open and close the lid. But all too soon, the noise ceased. He took one step forward, his head lowering. "Is it because of me?"

All I could imagine just then was when he'd kissed me. My body tensed, my legs beginning to move to take a step away from him, but I steeled myself before I could. I wasn't going to be intimidated.

"Don't flatter yourself," I told him. "I knew what the plan was. Use you to make him jealous, remember? He was the goal. Always."

The amusement wavered on Kale's face, but he remained watchful. "And yet you're here."

"I am."

He waited. "Why?"

I breathed in, looking away. Because after talking with Katrina, the gears had started to turn. Because some girl in eighth grade can't be the only reason why you went through these lengths to hurt someone. Because Jesse's been gone for days and I'm sitting here searching for answers to what had to have been just a misunderstanding.

"I'm hoping I'm wrong in assuming it's because you need me to remind you who he is again," Kale said, sounding tired. "How many times do I have to tell you that you can do better than him for you to finally get it, Carson?"

I looked at him.

The light hair, the green eyes that I couldn't see very well from where I stood. That calculating look on his face, but also the frustration in it. Every conversation we'd ever had seemed to dance by my mind, side by side with everything Katrina had told me earlier. I saw all the times I was so close to trusting Jesse wholeheartedly, as well as every time Kale was there to tell me not to.

I realized at that moment that the easiest way to break a wall was with a sledgehammer.

"Why is it that you look so lost when you're surrounded by your friends?" I asked quietly. He didn't react to the change of subject. "I was watching you earlier and it just didn't make sense to me. You had people talking to you with a girl sitting at your feet. And yet you still looked so guarded. Why?"

He blinked. A wary look dropping over his face.

"Katrina—you remember her, don't you? She didn't notice it. But, of course she wouldn't. She doesn't really know you, does she? No one does."

I could see the same mask I'd seen him wearing earlier appear more prominently in his expression. His voice was tight when he asked, "You talked to her?"

"She had a lot to say about you," I said. "I didn't want to believe her at first. Even now, I still have my doubts. I can't even blame myself, either. I've never been the most trusting. But then I got to thinking...what is the worst reason that you can have to turn my best friend against me? Especially right after she'd overheard you and Farrah talking on the bleachers right after the party?"

Kale did an excellent job of hiding any acknowledgment to what I was saying, but I could see the cracks in the wall now.

"Tell me if I'm close to the mark." I gathered my thoughts before I went on, organizing the chain of events that I had come up with after talking to Katrina. "You drugged him, didn't you? You got tired of telling me that I can do better, so you spiked his drink at the party and had Farrah give it to him. You had me watch. But you needed me isolated. You had Katrina put on the shelf because she knew the truth and you couldn't risk her slipping up. So that only left you for me to turn to, and that worked out perfect for you, didn't it? Jesse liked me and I liked him, but it was you who had control over the situation and you loved it."

His jaw was set. One of his hands that had been holding at the strap of his bag was closed into a fist, his knuckles white from the pressure. But while the agitation was unmistakable, the look in his eyes was nothing but relaxed. It seemed to tell me: you can't prove anything.

"I came here knowing you wouldn't tell me the truth. I'd hoped you'd tell me anyway, but you know what? I don't need it." I took a step toward him, and I didn't miss how he backed away in response. "You're a walking cliché, Kale. You play with people because you're so fucking unsatisfied with how your life turned out. You can't trust anyone you talk to and that's why you found me, right? Because you thought we might be alike? Because we always want to believe the worst in people? Because even though they might have the best intentions, we're always so quick to assume that they must have a motive to be acting the way they do?"

Kale's eyes weren't so relaxed anymore.

"Not everyone is out to screw you over," I said. "When you aren't taking yourself so seriously, you'll see that some of the people in your life are actually worth being there. You're just too fucking stupid to let them in."

"And that's what you're doing?" he asked, his voice eerily calm. "Letting him in?"

I didn't say anything right away, because of course out of everything I'd just said, that would be the thing he'd pick up on.

I sighed, the edges of my mouth turning up into a smile as I looked away, surveying the rest of the courtyard for a long while before I turned back to face him. I felt much more calm when I did.

"The truth is..." I started, my voice steady. "You've always been right. I can do better. I can do better than Jesse. I can probably do better than anyone else I wind up with down the road. But anyone else is still better than you."

If he'd planned on saying anything else, he didn't. The voices of the students in the courtyard grew a bit in volume as silence fell for the last time. No one was close enough to be able to hear anything I'd said, but I took solace in the noise regardless.

Looking at him one more time, at the hard expression on his face, I took that as my cue.

"Good luck with college, Kale," I told him as I began walking away. "I hope it turns out way better than high school did for you."

His eyes were still on me when I turned around. I felt them up until I pushed open the doors of the school and escaped inside.

It was within the walls of the empty hall that I breathed out, finding it much easier to do now than it had been before. I could feel my heart still thumping loudly in my chest, the beats slowing the longer I stood there.

When I could hear my thoughts much more clearly in my head, the first thing I could think was that I should've spent more time devising a plan before I approached Kale at all. There might've been a better way to approach the situation and leave with actual answers.

But as I found my feet and began walking, I heard my own voice respond to the doubt.

I don't need answers from someone I don't trust.

I trusted my own judgement.

And even though he hadn't said so, I felt like I hit close to the mark.

As I continued walking, I realized that I didn't have a destination in mind. I seemed to have been headed in the direction of my locker without thinking, but my bag was relatively empty and I had no reason to stop at it when it came into view. Class was an option, but it had already started a while ago. I didn't have many excuses prepped to explain where I'd been in the meantime.

Maybe the nurse's office—?

A door swung open ahead of me.

I came to a stop.

The janitor's closet was bustling with noise, but the door rendered me blind from seeing what was causing it.

It was when the janitor himself sauntered out, steering a splashing bucket behind him, that I felt something tug in my heart. He disappeared into the closet one more time to retrieve a mop before he shut the door and walked off in the opposite direction, whistling to himself.

I watched the door for a moment longer.

And I smiled.