Translator: Atlas Studios Editor: Atlas Studios
âDongyu, let her be!â
My mother said unhappily, âShe has a home and doesnât come back. Who knows where sheâs gone fooling around! Sheâs only in her teens and sheâs already so worrisome. She probably thinks sheâs grown up! The exams are just round the corner, weâll see how she manages it! If she canât get into senior high school, sheâs on her own!â
I paled furhter when I heard that.
Dongyu retorted unhappily, âMom, stop it. Xiachun is old enough to have her own opinions.â
My mother said nothing more.
Dongyu pulled me by my arm into the study and shut the door behind us. He lowered his head and studied my face carefully before asking in a muted voice, âWhere have you been these past few days?ân/o/vel/b//in dot c//om
âI⦠I was at Han Xiaoâs house.â
âYouâre lying.â
Dongyu instantly saw through my lie. âYou may be able to pull a fast one on others, but you canât fool me. Look me in the eyes and tell me!â
I pushed him away forcefully and said in a fit of pique, âYin Dongyu, thatâs enough! Youâre the one who alienated me. What is this now?!â
Dongyuâs face was ashen as he said, âYouâre my sister. Itâs my responsibility to care for you!â
I let out an icy laugh and ignored him. Placing my bag on the desk, I suddenly pulled out his notes from within it.
This was his notebook from middle school and he had given it to me to copy.
Instinctively, I rubbed my hands over my pants till I thought they were clean so that I wouldnât dirty his belongings. Then I held the notebook out to him.
âIâm returning this to you.â
I didnât look at him. All I heard was a slight chill in his voice as he said, âYouâre done with it?â
âUh huh.â
âDo you understand whatâs written in it?â
âUh huh.â
âWell thenâ¦â
Sensing my cold attitude, Dongyu knew that the conversation would lead nowhere. He took a deep breath and said, âRest early. Goodnight.â
It wasnât until he left the room that I opened the drawer and took out my diary. I flipped through the numerous pages and wrote down my thoughts for the day.
Iâve maintained a habit of writing in my journal since fourth grade in elementary school. Back then, Iâd write about all my ups and downs, and all the secrets that had to do with Dongyu.
To me, keeping a diary is like pouring out all my unspoken secrets into a hollow.
The diary is like my personal hollow.
Every night, before I went to sleep, I would hide away in this hollow and tell it everything that was on my mind.
Because in this world, it seemed that only by talking to oneself could one unreservedly vent the hidden worries in oneâs heart.
At some point, I was unable to tell everything to Dongyu even.
The growth of a person is akin to building a thick fortress for oneself, hiding oneself within it. It was as though the stronger the fortress, the greater the sense of security one would feel. As a person grows up, he becomes more guarded, and it becomes harder to get close to others.
When we are young, we can talk about everything with just any friend. Weâre like happy little birds that find it hard to keep things to ourselves.
However, after we grow up, we realize that there are less and less people who are close to our heart. We keep more and more secrets to ourselves, and the burden we carry grows with this.
And we keep stumbling as we walk along.
In short, humans are creatures with strong instincts.
When our fingers come into contact with fire, we retract them reflexively from the heat.
Itâs the same if we touched something sharp, we feel the sharpness and we are aware of the pain, so we shrink back.
However, my instincts didnât seem to serve me very much.. Otherwise, after being riddled with scars and bullet holes, I wouldnât be still clinging on to my obsession.