It has been two weeks since Ezra and I had our talk after movie night. I've gotten used to this place, and it honestly feels like a summer camp- besides the therapist, group therapy, and people walking around with harnesses and diapers.
I'm really glad I made good friends here, because otherwise it would probably suck ass. Jayden and Darien are cool, and they're funny. I'm not sure why they're here for sure, but then again it's probably none of my business. Ezra and I have certainly gotten closer. I didn't realize I could like him so much, but I do. He's funny, interesting, kind, and still hot. I've been trying really hard to give him more control, and it's been making things somehow better? I know it makes him happy and I'm surprised to admit I secretly really enjoy it. There have been a couple of times when he's joking a lot and teasing me, acting like I'm younger and instead of piss me off it made me feel happy and then some kind of fuzzy feeling would be in my head...
It never fully took over and it was passive, but I know it had something to do with regressing. I don't know if Ezra is able to tell what he's doing or when that happens, but it felt weirdly nice.
I've also noticed I really do feel better now that I'm here and not at home. I still somewhat wanna die, of course. But it's really quiet right now, compared to where I was three weeks ago.
I've called my parents every day, and sometimes they call me. A nurse or leader used to sit with me for safety reasons, but now they know it's always my parents and they trust me. Today was no different, I was sitting at lunch with the boys and a leader came up to me and told me my parents were on the phone for me. I nodded a quick goodbye to them before I followed her to the front desk where she handed me the phone before returning to the cafeteria to give me some privacy.
"Ma? Dad?" I held the phone to my ear, waiting patiently to hear their voices. But my stomach dropped when someone else answered.
"Jazzz! Hey! I guess it's true, huh? Your parents really shipped you off to the 'ward?" I could hear his dickish grin through the receiver and it made me feel sick. "The fuck do you want?" I responded harshly, wanting this to be over.
"Damn, bruh chill. Everyone's pretty worried about you, y'know. The real rumor is that you actually fucking killed yourself. A couple people even left fucking flowers for your parents and shit. I just had to know for myself, so I went ahead and asked your parents for the number." This made me livid. Who the fuck does this guy think he is, going to my parents' house? My chest was hurting at the thought of my parents getting those flowers, and it made me feel nauseatingly guilty. They, of course, had never told me about them.
"Don't go anywhere near my house again, Aidan. And this shit is none of your fucking business." I felt my heart beat when he laughed in response. "Y'know what's even funnier, though, is that everyone seems pretty fucking glad you're gone." I glared at the wall. "Shut the fuck up." He only laughed a little more. "No, no, I'm serious. Your band even has a new drummer. Everyone from school is pretty psyched, too. Except your fucking friends, though. Pretty much all they do is mope around, which is probably why everyone thinks you're dead-" I slammed the phone against the counter. "I said Shut The Fuck Up." Then I hung up the phone.
I stood there, breathing suddenly heavily and trying to compose myself. I felt a touch on my shoulder and jumped, whipping around. "Hey, are you good? Did your folks say something?" Darien was looking up at me with a very concerned expression on his face, hand outstretched.
I wanted to reply, but for some reason it felt like I would cry if I did. I nodded, and was able to mutter out 'Bathroom?' to which he nodded and followed me as I turned and walked down the hallway.
I walked in and went straight to a toilet, puking up the little lunch I had eaten, the anxiety twisting my stomach rapidly. "Fuck, man. D'you need something?" Darien was behind me, still sounding worried. For some reason, only one thought urgently popped into my head.
"Go- Go get Ezra." I hated the way my voice trembled, but I couldn't help it. I have no idea why I'm so upset right now. I heard him quickly leave the bathroom and I stood up to rinse my mouth in the sink after flushing the toilet. I felt scared and weird so I went and locked myself in the big stall and stood there, waiting.
I heard someone enter the bathroom and I stiffened, until I heard a knock on the stall door. "Jasper?" I felt my body slump with relief and when I unlocked the door he was standing there with a worried expression. I just stayed standing in the middle of the stall, and he stood in the doorway. We were silent for a moment and then all at once I felt a large rush of emotion rise after seeing him and hearing his voice, and that fuzzy feeling came all at once only this time it wasn't fleeting. I couldn't even try to stop myself as I instantly began to cry, with my arms reaching out to him instinctively.
He met my embrace immediately, holding me close while my hands balled up in his T-shirt and I buried my head into his shoulder.
Ezra
I was eating lunch with Jayden after Darien went to go find Jasper, feeling content in waiting for them to come back while we chatted. I frowned when I saw Darien appear hastily in the doorway, making a beeline for our table. I was already rising to my feet when he opened his mouth to tell me to go see Jasper in the bathroom, who was asking for me.
I didn't waste any time in striding through the door and into the bathroom, scanning the room before my eyes rested on the closed stall door. After calling his name, he opened the door and I looked at him for a moment, waiting for something. I wasn't sure what he needed.
But soon after our eyes met, I saw the familiar shift in his eyes before his face scrunched up and he started crying, reaching out to me. I felt less panic than I did as I held him close, feeling his hands fist my shirt, which admittedly made me aw in my head.
"Hey, sshhhh, I've got you, buddy. You're okay. I've got you." I whispered in his ear, rubbing his back and gently rocking us back and forth. After a moment of standing like this, with me occasionally murmuring more reassurances in his ear he slowly stopped crying.
"Alright, wanna tell me what's wrong?" I kept rubbing circles on his back as he slowly picked his head up to look at me, peering through his wet eyelashes. He stared at me a moment, seeming to be thinking something out before he shook his head and laid it back on my shoulder. I chuckled lightly and kissed the top of his head, letting him rest there for a moment.
"Okay, bud, why don't we get you cleaned up, huh?" He made no attempt to move so I carefully removed his hands from my shirt and led us over to the sink. He stood there quietly as I got a damp paper towel and started wiping his face. After I was done, I decided to go and find his leader seeing as though I didn't really want him to go to the next lesson while he was like this.
After walking back to the cafeteria, I found Ms. Sammy standing by the door and approached her. "Uh, Ms. Sammy..." She turned and when she noticed Jasper, who was clinging onto my sleeve, her eyes widened. "Oh, what happened here?" Jasper replied by hiding his face behind my shoulder. "I'm not sure what happened, but he dropped and is upset over something. I was hoping we could skip our classes because I don't think he's feeling up for it." She nodded with a more relaxed expression. "Of course... Why don't you guys spend the day in the littles building, in the playroom? You can stay there as long as needed, and there are already littles and their dominants there with plenty of leaders." I nodded, feeling relieved.
"Though I'm sorry he's not feeling his best, I am quite happy for you both, as this is a very big step! I'll go ahead and add this to his files." I nodded and walked a few feet away and waved Jayden over from across the room. He walked up as soon as he saw us and his expression changed to slight shock when he saw Jasper. "What- Oh! Hey, big guy." Jasper didn't answer, his face still hidden. "Yeah, I'm not sure what happened but I would say he's about 2-4 right now... I just wanted to let you guys know that we're not going to be in classes or anything for a while, at least until he feels up to it." He nodded before wishing me a small congrats and walked back to our table to fill Darien in.
I began walking to the littles building, but was having trouble because Jasper was still against my shoulder. "Hey, bud, can we walk for a bit? It won't take long but this'll go faster if you walk next to me. Here, hold my hand." I was quickly concerned again as he began crying as we were standing in the empty lobby. "Hey, hey, c'mere. I'm sorry, it's okay." I hugged him again for another minute until he was only sniffling before getting a tissue from the desk and handing it to him. "It's okay, we're just going to go to another building so that we can hangout there, alright? Can you tell me what's bothering you?" He looked at me for a moment, still silent before shaking his head and looking at the floor. "Okay, that's alright. Let's go now, okay?" He didn't protest as I took his hand and led him outside towards the building. He was still quiet until halfway there he tugged on my sleeve.
"Where?" He all but whispered this, but I heard him and gave him a small smile. "We're going to the littles building to chill instead of going to the lessons. How does that sound?" He made a cute facial expression, seeming to think about what I said before nodding and looking back to the path, with one hand holding mine and the other gripping my sleeve.
Once we were at the building, I realized I didn't entirely know where to go so I walked in and looked around. It was mostly a hallway after entering, and after looking in a couple of doors I came to a very large room that looked sort of like a daycare, with a couple of doms and their littles seated around the room and several leaders spread out. I also noticed a few littles all on their own, which I assume are the ones who are unpartnered.
"Where do you want to sit?" I leaned closer to him as I asked, and I watched his eyes trail around the room at the different activities before he wordlessly led me over to a small white table with plastic chairs around it. He pulled one out and sat down before pointing at something. I chuckled as I followed his gaze to a collection of coloring books and crayons a few feet away. I walked over and grabbed a couple along with a box of crayons before sitting next to him. He didn't make any attempt to take one from me, so I gently placed a book in front of him before opening the box of crayons and setting it in front of us. I carefully watched him as he opened it, clumsily flipping through the pages before finding a picture of a dinosaur and grabbing a crayon. Still watching him out of the corner of my eye, I flipped to a random page in my book and began coloring after he did.
I grinned as I noticed his facial expressions while he focused, which looked so unfiltered and cute compared to his usual stoic state when he's big. "Hey... Jasper," He didn't stop coloring as he made a humming sound, seeming to acknowledge suggest he was listening. I didn't want to push him right now, so I accepted this and continued talking. "How old do you feel right now, bud?" I was quite curious for his answer as I watched him pause his coloring and think for a moment. He held up one hand with all of his fingers up before slowly dropping one and then two. I smiled, feeling a strange sense of pride. "Okay, that's good. Do you feel better?" He dropped his hand and went back to coloring, ignoring my question. I frowned and placed a hand on his arm. He turned to me looking sad and annoyed. "Hey, I asked you something it's not polite to ignore my question, okay? Do you know if you feel any better?" He huffed and thought about this, before shaking his head and going back to coloring.
I frowned, wondering what could have upset him so much and how I could make it better. I sat in thought for a minute, just watching him color as I tried to think of what to do. I smiled at his coloring sheet, which was now a picture of a pink dinosaur. "A pink dinosaur? I've never seen one of those." I tried to say it in a goofy voice, which caused him to grin, showing his teeth. "I-It's petty. (Pretty)." I chuckled and nodded. "Yes, definitely. What's your favorite dinosaur?" He paused his coloring for this, looking deep in thought. "'Ong neck!" (Long neck) I smiled, seeing how excited this was making him. "Yeah, those are pretty cool. My favorite are the pterodactyl." He smiled too. "Fullying ones." (Flying ones) He mumbled, going back to his colors.
"Yeah, the ones who go rraaahhh." This made him laugh, and I chuckled too. We continued talking, with him in higher spirits and both of us coloring multiple sheets. I checked the clock and it had been about an hour and I realized he didn't eat much breakfast.
"Hey, buddy, you hungry?" He didn't stop what he was doing as he shook his head. I tried to remember how much he had eaten, and I could only recall a couple bites. "You didn't eat much at breakfast and it's been a while. You sure you're not hungry?" He paused this time, and just mumbled. "I 'rew up..." (Threw up) My eyes widened and I was worried again. "When?" He resumed his scribbling before answering. "I- In huh batroom..." (In the bathroom) "This morning when you were upset, with Darien?" He nodded and I felt like shit. One hour in and I'm a terrible dom.
"Okay, well how about a snack break?" He pouted and looked up at me, which was admittedly really cute. "C'mon, the colors will still be there after we eat, okay? Let's go see what we can find." He sighed as we both stood up to find the nearest leader, with me holding his hand. We walked over to a male leader that was wiping down one of the tables.
"Uh, excuse me, but are there snacks here or should we go to the cafeteria?" He turned to us with a slight smile, "Oh, there is plenty little-appropriate food over there in those cabinets and there's also stuff in the fridge. Take what you would like but try to pick up after yourselves." I nodded and thanked him as he went back to cleaning.
I led Jasper over to a row of countertops with cabinets underneath and above and began to open them. "Okay, what are you feeling like?" I looked back to him and he only shrugged and looked at the floor. "Hmmm, there's gotta be something here you'll like. Come and look with me." He did as he was told and walked forward to look over the selection. I smiled as he picked up a bag of goldfish and I grabbed a bag of apple slices from the fridge as well as a bottle of water. After getting everything I got a plastic plate and a sippy cup, which I was hoping he would use. I poured the water into the cup and placed the food onto the plate before leading us back to our table.
As soon as we sat down, he began eyeing the cup suspiciously. "Okay, at least have a few bites. We can't have you on an empty stomach, alright?" He gave me a defeated expression before he picked up the apple slices and began eating and I decided to make small conversation with him to make him comfortable. After about 15 minutes he had eaten most of the things on his plate which made me very proud before I noticed he hadn't touched his water. "Why don't you have some water too, bub?" I scooted it closer to him and he shook his head. "Why not? It's good for you." He looked at the cup then back at me. "No." I frowned at his lack of manners, but he wasn't directly trying to be rude. "How come?" He poked at the cup in response, making me accept that he didn't want to use it. "Oh, the cup's just so that you don't spill anywhere. You don't want to get your dinosaurs all wet, do you?" He seemed to think about this for a moment before sighing and taking the cup and drinking from it. I kept my poker face on but I felt very triumphant and giddy.
A/N: btw I won't ever leave this book w out announcing it first, I'm just rlly slow on chapters I'm sry