"I've been suspended."
"Oh."
Theo pulls his coat tighter around his body and takes another step through the sod. I look up to the sky, heart heavy, and the rain catches my semi-translucent skin and runs down to my neck. Shaking my head, I step after Theo.
We're walking through one of the fields that back Theo's house. I suggested the little trip when we got back to his house and he told me he couldn't stand Georgia's disappointed glare anymore. It's a break from the indoors and the landscape is certainly beautiful, but it's currently raining in a way that only England can. My converse is soaked through with mud and I wish I'd thought to nick a pair of Theo's spare designer boots.
"Three days, plus today, out of school," Theo continues, pushing through the muddy field without looking at me. "Georgia's going to pick some work up for me on Monday. Jack got the same."
"Oh," I say again, not know what else there is to say. "I'm sorry." Well, there's that.
"For what?" Theo demands, stopping and turning back to look at me. His eyes are like fire, but it's listless and dim.
"For defending me? Yeah, you're such an asshole."
I bristle at his sarcasm. "Well, I did ditch you, didn't I? I left you alone in the office. There's that to be sorry for."
"Don't think I didn't notice you freaking out of your mind. It was my fault you were there in the first fucking place!" Tho kicks at the mud and some of it splatter on me. I assume it's an accident. "And it's not like you left me alone in the fight, is it? So, yeah, don't apologize just because I'm a little kid who can't keep his temper in check after his deadbeat daddy can't make time for him."
"Let's talk about it," I say. Then, possibly succumbing to a fit of madness, I sit right down in the wet, muddy field and pat the dirt in front of me like I'm inviting a patient to sit down for their therapy session.
Theo, unsurprisingly, looks at me like I'm mental.
"The fuck? I'll catch pneumonia!"
"Then let's get it over with because I'm not moving Besides, you're wearing, like, five coats."
"You're fucking nuts," Theo sneers. Then he plants his ass in the mud.
I didn't think he'd actually do it. Wow.
"Uh huh," I say, crossing my legs. "Now. Let's talk about it. Free therapist ghost, remember?"
A smile flits across Theo 's face before it's quickly lost in the rain and a frown.
"What you did..." My sigh is lost to the downpour. "I would do the same. I would do worse, probably." Definitely. "So why do you keep beating yourself up over it?"
"Because... because I overreacted!" Theo explodes, his voice echoing over the teeming rain. I can tell, by his torn expression and the way his hands pick up and tear forgotten stands of wheat, that this has been building up for a while. "I'm just another kid whose dad doesn't care about him and whose mother is dead. Boo fucking hoo."
He breathes in raggedly. "I was being stupid, letting Jack get to me and lashing out. I act like the world revolves around me, but there's a kid who gets r*ped by their dad, a kid who goes to bed hungry, a kid who doesn't have a ghost as their only friend or a maid who doubles as their sister or a massive house or an easy future already mapped out for them, but here I am complaining about my lot when all I do is get it easy!" He takes a deep breath and I can tell that he's berating himself for getting overworked. "There are always worse problems - yet, as I am sure you have noticed, I always insist on throwing my own fucking pity party!"
I reach out and place a hand on his fist, which is clenched on his knee. He tenses then relaxes, and I resist the urge to hold his hand.
"Don't you dare think your problems don't matter," I say, my own fierceness surprising me. "Yeah, there's somebody out there who has worse struggles than you. But there's a person out there who has bigger hurdles than you and they combined. Just because your problems aren't as big as somebody else's," I add, because this beautiful idiot didn't seem to get it the first time, "doesn't mean that they're not problems."
Theo looks up at me, his curls stuck to his forehead with rain, his entire body wracked with shivers. I know we need to get out of the rain soon - he's definitely at risk of getting ill - but I fear that if we break this up now, he'll refuse to open up to me again.
"Talk to me, Theo. Please."
He stares at his lap. "About what?"
"Whatever you feel comfortable with. Like... why does Jack have it out for you?"
"Comfortable, huh?" he laughs. I open my mouth and he holds up a hand to silence me. "No, it's okay. It's just... he's hated me ever since I got drunk at my first and last party and tried to kiss him." He laughs at my wide open mouth, then shivers. "Instead of, I don't know, telling me he was straight, he freaked out and outed me to the whole school. I've always tried to ignore him, but... well, today I wasn't really up for turning the other cheek."
The familiarity of his story chokes me. I manage a quick: "Understandable." Theo laughs, and I squeeze his hand, which I'm still resting mine upon. I don't know why. Except maybe I do know why.
"Thanks, Luke..." Theo looks up at me through his sodden fringe. "For sticking with me. I hope he didn't hurt you."
I wave my free hand in front of my face and manage a grin. "Ghost." Theo laughs and suddenly he's a lot closer. My heart is pounding in my throat. His face is wet, soaked with rain, his hair plastered to his skull, his coat soaked through, his legs filthy.
He's five inches away.
Four-
Three-
Two-
Then he sneezes, right in my face. I fall back in shock, my elbows landing in the mud. Theo barks a laugh, then collapses into giggles, rocking back in the mud with his dirty hand clapped over his mouth to muffle the sound.
"Oh. My. God," he says through laughter. "That's what you get, bitch." He chuckles again. "That's what you get for making me sit in the mud."
"Come on," I say with an unconcealed smile, standing and holding a hand out to him. "I think you were right about catching pneumonia."
"Fuck."
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Georgia's so intent on giving Theo the silent treatment that she doesn't even notice he's covered in muck until she turns around to scold him for slamming the fridge door shut. She sends him up for a shower and Theo, arms full of a random assortment of food items, obeys. I follow him.
Theo dumps the food on his bed, tells me to help myself, grabs a towel and heads into the massive bathroom at the end of the hall. I eye the food before heading to my own room and figuring out the shower. Even though I don't strictly need to, the pounding of the warm water on my back allows me to shut my mind off for a precious few minutes.
My pajamas are folded at the foot of my bed (thank you, Georgia) and I'm actually something resembling tired for once, so I pull them on instead of one of my new outfits before heading back to Theo's room. It's closed, so I knock, and I hear a muffled "hang on!", the rustle of fabric and footsteps on a carpet before the door is opened.
Theo's pajama shirt is rumpled and he has a strawberry hanging out of his mouth. Suddenly craving one, I sit on the end of my bed and help myself, remembering when we dipped them in hot chocolate. Theo flops back on his pillow, his shirt riding up a little, and opens another packet of chocolate.
"What a healthy lunch," I remark sarcastically.
"Hmm." I glance at him. He's the picture of relaxation, one arm tucked under his head, eating chocolate, in his pajamas, barefoot. But his dark eyes are troubled.
I inch closer. "Did you take all the blame after I left? Or does she know about my... involvement? Theo sighs and I move even closer, now halfway up the bed. "Kyle told her there was someone involved, and I told her it was you, but it's like she forgot you existed as soon as you left. So, yeah, I'm facing the full repercussions of breaking that cunt's nose, even though I couldn't punch that well in a million lifetimes." He grins at me with half-lidded eyes and I get this unexplainable thrill below my stomach. But his eyes are still lifeless and the smile soon fades. "And, before you can say anything, no, I don't care. I'm okay with taking the blame. You wouldn't've even needed to get involved if I hadn't been such a twat."
"I thought we'd established that you were totally justified in what you were doing. Stop beating yourself up over it."
"Yeah, alright." It's only then that he seems to notice how close I've gotten. "Oh. Hello."
I jump and start to move away. "Sorry, sorry, I'm-" "Nah, it's okay - unless you were planning on revenge-sneezing on me, that is." Theo grins and pats the pillow next to him. "Come sit."
Hesitantly, I slide in beside him. The feeling of his side against mine, although something I'm still becoming used to, is a comfort.
"So, speaking of Kyle..." I say, (and oh my god why am I talking stop Luke stop) "do you know him, or did he just randomly grab you?"
Theo looks down at me. I can feel his breath on my face. "He's in my English. He's a nice enough guy but he flirts with absolutely everyone, boys and girls, so you never know when he's being genuine. I can't stand people like that." He wrinkles his nose. "Reminds me too much of my dad.
I'm not relieved. I'm not. I swear.
"Did he flirt with you?"
"Yeah. It doesn't mean anything."
"So..." stop stop stop stop stop stop
"You don't... like him? Like, like like him."
Theo snorts. "What are you, six? I just told you, you never know what's going on with somebody like that." He frowns at me.
"Why?"
"No reason," I lie. "Just thought you might be a cute couple." Lie.
Theo snorts. "Fuck off."
"Friend, then."
"I don't want to make any new friends."
"Why?"
Theo shrugs, but he has a faint smile on his face. I grin, widely, then hide it by pretending I need to wipe my nose.
We settle into a comfortable silence. Theo loads some of the food onto my lap and we have ourselves an unhealthy lunch in silence. When we're finished, we watch a film on Theo's phone (The Two Towers) and read the book itself together, boredom that I stomach because it brings a little light to Theo's eyes.
At around seven, Theo decides that we should brave the kitchen. Both of us in our sleepwear, we head downstairs to see Georgia sitting on the kitchen counter like Theo was just yesterday, typing furiously at her laptop. She looks up as we enter and her eyeliner-caked eyes droop sadly when they land on Theo.
"We need to talk about this," she says, closing the laptop with a snap.
"Oh, so we're done with the silent treatment now?" Theo snarks, opening the fridge and pulling out a microwaveable lasagna. I can tell he's avoiding looking at her. "Don't talk to me like that," Georgia snaps, sliding off the side.
Theo hangs his head and I have a sudden, wild wish to be invisible again. (Well, more than I am already.) He closes the fridge behind him and turns around slowly, clutching the lasagna to his chest.
"Sorry," Theo mumbles.
Georgia sighs, massaging the bridge of her nose. "Look, kid, either you talk to me about this like an adult or I have to call the source of all this shi... I mean, your father." Theo narrows his eyes. "You wouldn't dare."
"Try me."
Theo sighs through his swollen nose, un-shells the lasagna, attacks the plastic with a fork and shoves it into the microwave. As the machine hums, he turns to her with his arms folded.
"Okay, you wanna know?" Georgia nods. "Dad called. Dad is an asshole. Dad isn't coming home for two weeks. I am upset by this. I go to school. Jack - yeah, Jack from the party - calls me a faggot and insults my dead mother. I knock him down. He knocks me down. Luke saves me from getting my face beat in by beating his face in. I get in trouble. Voila."
Georgia bites her lip. "Oh, Theo." Then she rushes forward and hugs him, just as the microwave pings.
Theo struggles, trying to push her off, but she holds fast and he eventually gives in to it, melting into her embrace. I can tell he needed it. Smiling, I watch them for a moment before grabbing the lasagna. (Of course, I don't burn myself. I'm dead.)
A minute or so later, Theo breaks away, flushing. He delves into the fridge, grabs a bottle of lemonade and rushes upstairs without looking back at either of us. Still holding the microwave meal, I flash Georgia a smile, which she returns mistily before handing me two forks, and rush upstairs.
We return to our original places on his bed, much to my relief, and share our "dinner" with our eyes glued to Return of the King and our bodies connected from arm to shoulder
"Wasn't that," Theo says as it finishes. "The best movie trilogy you've ever seen?"
"Probably," I say. "Mostly because I don't think I've watched any others."
"It would still be the best if you had."
"I'm sure it would be, Theo." We go back to reading after that - him holding the book, me telling him to turn the page because he's faster than I am - and I lie with my head just above his shoulder on the pillow, not quite daring to rest on him even though a significant part of me wants to.
When the sun sets, Theo snaps the book shut and we watch it through his little window. It's a little dull, paling in comparison to when we watched the horizon from the park or the roof or even a bus, but I'm starting to think of this our little tradition, carried on from Theo 's history, an this is a continuation of it.
A little bit after that, Theo starts yawning. This act re-splits his lip, causing him to swear and run to the bathroom for a tissue. I grab the last strawberry and lie back on his bed with my hands behind my head, intending to make a joke about taking up all the room. He hasn't been smiling enough. Well, he does, but his eyes are duller than unpolished metal.
When Theo comes back in, a tissue pressed against his lip, he frowns at me. "You look conspicuous."
"Do I?"
"Did you look at the painting?" he asks, standing over me.
"What? No. Where is it?" Theo points towards his wardrobe, where I can now see the point of a canvas sticks out from one of the shelves.
"Seems a shame to have a canvas if you can't even hang it up."
"Shut up. I'm not letting you see it."
"Alright, alright," I say, raising my hands in mock surrender.
Theo lies down again, so I end up resting my arm on the top of his head. No complaints. Georgia comes in a few minutes later, saying she's heading home. I sit up quickly, making sure no part of me is touching the boy sat next to me. She comes in and crouches by Theo, poking his cheek gently just underneath his bruised eye.
"Stay out of trouble, kid."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Twat," she smirks, getting up and leaving. "And don't fuck, okay?" she calls over her shoulder. "You're not in the right condition."
Theo rolls his eyes, not bothering to dignify her with a response. Flushing from head to toe, I start to crawl towards the end of the bed as soon as I hear the front door slam.
"Where are you going?" Theo asks, looking at me with a confused frown. He winces at the pressure it puts on his bruised eye.
"Er... it's late, so I'm going to bed." I continue to make my way towards the end of the bed but stop when I feel an arm on my shoulder. Turning my head, I see that it's - duh - Theo. He's holding my arm like he's afraid I'll fall if he lets go but staring at his bare foot like it's the most fascinating thing in the word.
"Theo?"
He still doesn't look at me. His hand falls from my shoulder and he tucks it into his chest. "Please..." He sighs and swallows with the nervousness of somebody about to propose. "Please stay. With me. Just for tonight. You help me... you help me not think about the bad shit." He looks up at me, flushes then looks down again. "But only if you want to. And only as friends, of course."
I smile. "Okay."
Theo glances at me, flushing but also smiling, and dives underneath the bedcovers so he won't have to look at me. I settle at the end of the bed, expecting to sleep there like I did the other night, but then Theo holds the covers up at his end.
"You'll get cold," he mumbles.
"I'm de- you know what, never mind."
I shuffle up towards his end of the bed and slide underneath his bedcovers, making sure to press my back against the wall so I don't touch him. I assume he wouldn't want me to. But that proves to be extremely difficult because Theo automatically curls up into a ball and takes up most of the room. Still, I manage it, my body as taut as a pulled string.
Is this wrong?
It feels wrong, but also right, somehow.
He asked me to be here, so here I'll be.
"You're like a fucking wire," Theo mumbles, his voice muffled by his pillow.
"If you don't want to be here, I'm not making you stay, but if you're staying you need to relax. I'm not sleeping with a wooden board."
I smile at the back of his head. Slowly, I let myself slump. My knees connect with the back of his and they slot in like a jigsaw puzzle. I rest my left arm on the pillow between us and my right on top of that, so my knees and the bottom of my legs are the only part of me touching him.
I haven't been this close to somebody in decades - physically and mentally. Suddenly, inexplicably, I want to be closer.
I settle for this. Us curling together like we're dying of cold even though I can feel the heat radiating off him. Our bodies slotted together like they're built to fit. His hair tickling my nose. My head on the same pillow as his, my body in the same bed.
"You know, actually it's a good thing Dad's not coming back yet," Theo mumbles, sounding drunk from tiredness.
"Hm?" I'm so relaxed. "Why?"
"Because you'll be here longer. With... with me."
I fall asleep smiling.
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