The boy who made me forsake connecting with all these kids was named James Lewis.
* Winter of 1987, his soul called to me after the school day had ended and I was sleeping atop the lockers. I found him hiding in a cupboard with his trousers unbuttoned, his tie
missing and his face covered in tears. The fact that somebody had done this to a child made me physically shake with anger but I managed to stay calm for his sake.
I fell to his age, which must've been about twelve or thirteen, and sat down opposite him. The cry of escape, escape, escape that pulled at my heart vanished although I could still feel the agony of his call in my chest. It was like nothing I had ever felt before.
"Hey," I said, my voice possessing the high pitch it had pre-break. "Hey, what's wrong?"
He scrambled away from me, his back pressed against the wall, and sobbed again.
"Hey, I'm not going to hurt you. I promise. Look. Will you look at this?"
I held my hand out to him - he flinched - and it caught in a patch of moonlight. The pale skin lit up like a crystal, a pattern of diamond that twisted down to my wrist before being lost in shadow.
"I'm a ghost," I said, quietly. "My name's Evan. I'm here to help you. What's wrong?"
The boy, having caught sight of my glittering skin, sat up slowly. He'd stopped crying but he looked no less terrified. "You're... you're a ghost?" I nodded and he sobbed again. "I... I swear it wasn't me! He... he made me, I promise I didn't want to, please don't take me to hell-" "Hey, hey, hey," I said softly, wanting to shuffle forward but keeping still in case I scared him. "Hey, I'm not going to take you to hell. I
know you did nothing wrong. I'm here to help you but you'll have to tell me what happened first." I smiled a little. "Take you're time. I promise you're safe. I... I swear on the Bible. What's your name?"
"James..." He sniffed, wiping his nose. "James Lewis."
"Pleasure to meet you, James Lewis. I'm Evan Adams." I held out my hand, and after a moment's hesitation he shook it. "Can you tell me what hurt you? Whatever it is, I can help you get rid of it. I promise."
His golden skin is pale as we prepare to get off the bus. His eyes are wide like a deer in headlights as he stares up at the school. And his hand, tapping against the top of his thigh as we walk towards the school, is a clenched fist.
I grab that hand, pull his fingers away from his palm gently and squeeze before letting go. He smiles at me, pushing his hair out of his eyes, before shrugging his backpack further up his shoulders and stepping through the school gates.
We walk forward together and all eyes immediately pin to him. That's when the whispering starts. I hear snatches of his name, Jack, suspension and even that Kyle kid gets mentioned. Of course, their gazes drift over me.
Theo is above it all. He walks with a straight back and a frown, ignoring the whispering and pointing and occasional bursts of laughter and not stopping in his stride until he reaches his locker. I watch him with a bit more than just pride.
"You handled that well," I say, leaning against the locker that used to belong to me while Theo shoves his books away and pulls out his earphones.
"No idea how," he replies quietly, laughing a little. He glares at the kids surrounding us and a few of them have the dignity to look away. "Is it cliché to say that you helped me through it?"
"Probably." I smile. "But I'm sure I can bring myself to forgive you." TT Info
Theo smiles, handing me one of the earphones. We set off down the corridor shoulder to shoulder and soon, as always, it feels like there's nobody else here at all.
Until the head steps out of her room and into the hallway, stopping Theo in his tracks. He looks at me with wide eyes before following her in, leaving me standing outside again.
Ten minutes into the first lesson, Theo walks out of her office looking slightly bored.
"What did she want?" I ask, unable to disguise the concern in my tone.
"Just told me to keep my nose out of trouble and avoid Jack if I see him. Like I'm going to run up to him with my fists raised and demand we have a dance off," Theo says, rolling his eyes. I smirk, glad he isn't in any more trouble, and we set off down the hall together.
For the first two lessons, the most Theo has to contend with is whispers and the occasional evil eye from one of Jack's allies. Teachers seem to be keeping an eye on Theo; as soon as somebody antagonistic seems to be approaching, they step in the path and engage Theo or the kid in pointless conversation. Although it is amusing to watch teachers fly across the room to try and prevent conflict, part of me is hoping they won't notice; after all, I'm the next line of defense. At break, after two uneventful lessons, we head to the understaffed and overcrowded canteen. While I'm egging Theo to buy an
orange, (he seems set on avoiding all school fruit after my little rotten food story) somebody jumps into the queue and taps him on the shoulder.
We both turn around to see some random kid leering at Theo. He's vaguely good-looking in that I'm-better-than-you-because-Ihave-green-eyes way and I immediately get a bad vibe from him that sets my teeth on edge. Subconsciously, I step in front of Theo.
"Heard you were gay," the kid says, grinning nastily at Theo. It's not a very clever or very funny thing to say but immediately everyone surrounding us becomes tense and quiet. A couple kids pull out their phones.
"Yeah, you and everybody else in this school," Theo says, placing a hand on my wrist to hold me back and stepping forward.
"Problem?"
Oh, fuck.
(No dance offs, Theo! You said no dance offs!)
Guess I'm going to get my hands dirty again.
"Fuck off, Dan. It's 2018, nobody's about that shit anymore," a girl says, somewhere to our right.
I look over, Theo along with me, and my eyes land on Amber, my last soul. She stands there with her arms folded and her dyed
black ponytail tossed over her shoulder, glaring at this Dan kid. And stood next to her is Kyle, who is looking at Theo with knitted eyebrows. Of fucking course.
"Fuck off, stoner," the guy snaps at Amber. "Nobody asked for your opinion."
"I don't remember anybody asking for yours," Kyle interrupts, stepping forward and pressing a hand to Theo's shoulder blade. I touch Theo's wrist, mimicking Kyle because I'm struck dumb by this situation and it's the best my stupid brain can come up with.
"Let's go," Kyle says. When Theo doesn't move, he pushes. "Theo, Amber." He looks at me with hazy eyes and nods to the door.
"Let's go." With one last scowl at the kid, Theo strides out of the queue and towards the door with Kyle and Amber in his wake. I stand there
for a second, shocked dumb at being left behind, before throwing my middle finger up at the guy and running after Theo.
When I catch up with them, they're nearly outside. Theo's shoulders are tense. I push between him and Kyle and squeeze his
elbow. As soon as he looks down at me, his frown lets up and he manages a smile. I feel a petty surge of victory. Take that, Kyle.
Once we're outside and the four of us are standing underneath a tree (Amber, Kyle, you can go now!) Amber turns to Theo with
raised eyebrows.
"Really? You haven't even been back for an entire day and you're already picking fights?"
"He started it!" Theo snaps at her while Kyle and I watch on, not sure what to do. "I've seen him hanging around Jack. It's obvious
he's filling in."
"Might I suggest ignoring him?" Amber asks, raising an eyebrow.
"Oh yeah, like I've being trying to for years? Maybe I've had enough-"
"Both of you, quit it," Kyle snaps, stepping between them. He looks to my previous soul. "Amber, he's justified. Theo-" His eyes warm
as he looks at him. "We were just trying to help."
And Theo, the boy who I've shared a bed with, the boy who woke me up this morning by flicking my nose and laughing his head off
at my surprised screech, the boy who asked me to stay with him because I can somehow chase his nightmares away, smiles at him.
The four of us end up sitting underneath the tree, Amber then Kyle then Theo then me. All the while I'm silent and ignored and wishing they would just leave Theo and me be.
As I sit there and listen to them talk, I keep telling myself that this is good, that I'm here for this exact reason - to help Theo make friends. (Even though he seems to have done it just fine without me.) It's selfish of me to want him all to myself seeing as I'm a ghost and
I'm going to be leaving and-
No. No, I'm not going to think about that.
(What if I disappear? What if I go invisible right now because Theo doesn't need me anymore, and he never sees me again?)
I try to listen to the conversation, desperate to hang on.
(Please let me stay. Please, please let me stay.)
"So, were you two always friends?" Theo asks, all calm now like that confrontation didn't happen and suddenly socially competent.
He gestures to Kyle and Amber.
"Kind of," Kyle replies, shrugging. "I fell out with most of my friends on Friday, Dan being one of them." He tosses his head, laughing.
"Obviously, he was in love with me and couldn't handle it."
Amber grins, playing along. She flicks Kyle's fringe. "Yes, obviously."
Kyle sticks his tongue out at her before turning back to Theo. "Yeah, so I fell out with them and Amber was being a little loner emo
so we naturally fell together."
Amber rolls her eyes. "Yes, the worst decision of my life."
"Hey!" Kyle whines, poking her arm.
Theo watches their exchange, grinning. After a while, he says, "Thanks, guys." And he doesn't even look at me. "For stepping in. I
really don't want to get expelled again."
"No problem, rich boy," Kyle teases, smiling at Theo like he's the whole world.
"Why did you fall out with your friends, Kyle?" I ask. Well, I basically snap it.
Kyle looks around Theo to me, surprised like he forgot I was even there. Which he obviously did, being so enamoured of Theo and
all. "Sorry, what was that?"
"Evan asked why you fell out with your friends," Theo repeats.
Kyle frowns.
"Don't tell us if you don't want to," Theo tells him with a tenderness I thought he only had for me and Georgia. But apparently we
(and by we my stupid selfish head obviously means "I") aren't all that special.
After a second, Kyle laughs airily. "No, it's good. They just kept making gay jokes about you and Jack and... Evan, even though they
know I'm bi and that it's shitty in general to make jokes, so I just kind of walked off. Then I found Amber taking a hit around the back and
we've been best friends ever since."
"I wasn't smoking!" Amber snaps, her fair skin flushing.
"Oh, so you were just cleaning that bong out, yeah?"
"Yeah, I was!"
Kyle laughs and she flushes even more. Theo smiles at both of them. And I, just hanging onto the edge of the group by a thread,
start to wish that Theo and I had skipped school, purely because my self-seeking little brain wants it to go back to just him and me.
But that's how the week goes. Theo and I talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company for every second of his uneventful lessons and
back at his house but breaks and lunches are spent sitting under trees with Amber and Kyle. And Theo gets on really well with them. Even at home, even while I'm lying in his bed, he texts both of them. Once, Kyle even called and they spent twenty minutes chatting while I sat
there staring at a paused movie screen without a clue as to what I was supposed to do now.
As the days pass, though, and as I stay visible and important and needed in Theo's life, I feel happier for him. Amber is nice, even
though she's cuttingly sarcastic and her eyes are always slightly pink. Kyle is friendly and funny and clever and somehow very good at
hiding his obvious-as-hell crush from Theo. And even though part of me wants to hate him, he's one of those people that burrows their
way under your skin. I find myself laughing at some of his jokes, even though he can't make any of them with me.
But still, part of me resents the two of them, even Amber, for making my position in Theo's life feel exceedingly perilous.
Saturday night, though, Theo puts his phone on silent. We go for a long walk together, silent and making sure our arms are always
brushing. We watch the sun set while sitting on an ancient stone wall and Theo rests his head on my shoulder, his sealed lips offering no
explanation.
It's not like he needs one. I know what he's feeling.
When I climb into his bed that night (it's reached the point where he doesn't even need to ask anymore) he immediately buries his
head in my neck. Automatically, I put my arms around him, my left hand resting in his hair, my right cupping his cheek.
"You okay?"
"I wish he was here," he replies. "He's a fucking asshole, but I wish he was here for tomorrow."
"Hey, hey, it'll be fine." I stroke his hair, catching the curls in my fingers like I've wanted to since day one.
"I feel like it's my fault he isn't here. I feel... I feel like I've let her down."
"Theo." I shuffle back, pushing him away even though all I want is for him to be closer. I cup his face in my hands, forgetting to
worry about whether or not I dare. "Theo, don't you ever say that. None of this is your fault. He could be here. He decided not to be. But
you're here for her, and that's all that matters. It's not your fault."
Theo sighs shakily and closes his eyes. Moving slowly so that I could push him away if I wanted (why would I ever want to?) he rests
his forehead against mine, eyes still closed, so that we're sharing a breath.
Does he want me to kiss him?
I could kiss him. I could cup his jaw and tilt it down and press my lips to his cool, thin, slightly open mouth-
No, I couldn't.
"You'll be there," he whispers.
"...Of course I will."
He falls asleep after that, his forehead still pressed against mine, our breaths still shared, his eyes still closed, his body flush against
mine and his skin on my skin.
And I want to say I always will - that I'll always be there for him - but we both know that's a lie.
I might already be slipping away.
---------------------------