Nathan Hawkins
I had locked myself in my room. I couldn't bear anymore of this sh*t. Would my parents shut up for once? Would they stop being such jerks? Would they stop being homophobic? Would they stop calling gays faggots? I wanted to run away, but where would I go? I had nowhere to go and despite everything that has happened, my mind always wanders back to Ollie.
Oh, Ollie. I had already accepted the fact that Ollie is never going to love me the same way I love him. The lingering gazes, the tender touches, the hot gasps of air, the sweet nothings. They're all a joke. I'm a joke. The soft kisses, the quick makeout sessions are what friends do from time to time. I sometimes think I have a chance, but then I see the way he looks at other people and I'm forced to look away. After talking with Robyn, I felt like I finally acknowledged my true feelings. I couldn't stay in denial forever. I know that I should try to talk to him one last time. It's not as easy as it sounds. This might be the last time. We could ignore all of this, go back to the way it was. If I attempt to confess my feelings, I'm afraid he will push me away for good.
As long as I'm with him I'll be content. Let it stay a friendship. I don't care. Even if I can see him from a distance.
Don't lie to yourself.
For the umpteenth time today, I became choked up at the thought of losing him. Why can't these feelings just go away?! I clutched my shirt, as if the pain in my chest would go away. My heart clenched, tears falling down my face. I could taste the salt, the bitterness. Why did it hurt so much? Does he hate me? I wish I could rip my heart out.
A sudden knocking on my door startled me out of my self-deprecating thoughts. I jolted in place and sat on the floor like a deer in headlights in anticipation of who was at the door. "Who's there?" I asked, trying to sound like I hadn't been crying for the past thirty minutes. I cringed at how poorly I did so, my voice cracking and raspy.
Whoever it was didn't answer and walked into the room, slowly opening the door. I recoiled in my place on the floor and watched the door open with wide eyes. Everything happened in slow-motion as I was met with a familiar mop of sun-bleached, blonde hair. Blue eyes that held desperation. Ollie.
My bottom lip quivered as he took a step towards me. I couldn't look at him anymore. I was a mess. "Nate." He spoke quietly, barely above a whisper.
I was staring at the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in the room. He shouldn't see me like this. I couldn't even open my mouth, frightened that I'd choke on my words and start sobbing again. I was a fragile glass of water pushed to the edge of a table, silently pleading that it wouldn't be spilled. "Nate?" He was still quiet, but I could hear him shuffling around. He closed the door softly and I saw his feet before he kneeled in front of me. "Why are you crying?" I should be asking him who let him in the house.
At least he didn't ask "are you okay" because it should've been apparent that I was definitely not. At least he didn't ask what was wrong because he should know damn well what was. Why was I crying? The list is too long. He should have asked me when am I not crying because everything reminds me of him; nothing seems to make me smile anymore except the memories of him. How ironic.
Instead of answering his question, I forced myself to speak, refusing to make eye contact with someone who led me to this state. "Why are you here?" It sounded angrier than I had intended so he flinched in his place.
"I-uh. Well, I thought about what you said." He had to be more specific. "I broke up with my girlfriend."
That's the first thing he says to me after this whole time? What's he getting at? "Why should I care?"
"Nate, I'm sorry. For everything. I took some time to reflect on my actions and yeah, I was a total dick. Not just to you, but to everyone else. But most of all, I shouldn't have treated you this way. Took advantage of you and broke your heart. I'm so sorry." He paused to gauge my reaction. I didn't know what to say. I could hear how genuine he was, but we both knew how cruddy he was at expressing his feelings and articulating his words. Especially with apologizing. He was the type to not do so, it was just hard for him in general.
"I was a jerk and it was utterly immoral to call you a fag and constantly emotionally degrade you. I tried to invalidate your genuine feelings and chock it up to confusion. That's not what best friends are supposed to do. I know I was leading both you and Cleo on. That was wrong too. I would list everything I did wrong, and how I wronged you, but then we'd sit here for an eternity. There are not enough words to express truly how sorry I am for hurting you. I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore because I know I'm not the one for you. You deserve someone much better. But do know I'll do everything I can to make it up to you." He paused again and I held my breath, waiting for the next thing he was going to say. But he didn't say anything for a while.
"Nate, look at me, please."
I shook my head. I was such an ugly crier, no way. But then he put his hand under my chin and I didn't even flinch. It was so gentle, the most gentle touch I've ever felt in my life. I was conflicted with how I was supposed to feel. I missed him. So much. He tilted my head up and we met each other's eyes.
Ollie's breath hitched when he saw my face, and in his eyes I saw sorrow. He was genuinely sorry and I could see him breaking down. "Oh, Nate, I'm so sorry," he whispered. He pulled me into a tight embrace and I blinked away the tears. I didn't want to cry again. "I care about you so much, but I can't stand to see you hurting anymore. So I'm willing to stop being your friend if that means you'll be happier."
I abruptly withdrew from the hug and held him at arm's length as I shook my head violently. "No! I care about you too. You're the one that makes me happy. I don't know what I'd do without you. You don't understand how much I've missed you. The real you. You don't need to put up a facade anymore, Ollie. You're my support, my best friend even if my parents aren't there for me, because you are. If you left me, I wouldn't be happier. Even though I may have the dream house, and it may appear that I'm living the 'American dream' I'm not happy. I could have all the mansions in the world and own my private island, but it would not equate to how much I value you.
"So please, stay. I forgive you. You know what you did wrong and learnt from your mistakes." I paused to cup his face with my hand. "That's how we grow. We can stay friends, it's okay. As long you'll stay with me, you're stuck with this train wreck for the rest of your life." I punched his arm lightly.
He took my fist into his hand, again gently and softly, and lightly sighed in reluctancy. "About the friends thing. We need to talk about our relationship."
This is the talk. Whether I was ready or not, we were having it right now. "Our relationship? I said we can just stay frâ"
"Do you love me?" He asked. How do I respond?!
My brain malfunctioned and I shyly curled up in a ball. "I-I uhm, well of course I do. You're my best friend for life."
"You don't seem to sure about that," he said while frowning. "I wanna hear it."
"Hear what?" I asked, playing dumb.
"That you love me. It's three words. Do you really mean it?" He squeezed my hand. He really wanted to hear it. I never thought I'd ever say it to him. I accepted it as fact that we'd stay platonic. But I guess that's down the drain.
"O-oh okay. I love you." He raised an eyebrow at the way I said it almost silently. I felt like I was blushing madly as I buried my face in my hands in embarrassment. Here comes the confession that I thought I'd never ever utter aloud since my talk with Robyn. "I mean it. Not just platonically. I understand this may be weird after I said we could say friends, but I think it must be said to lift a weight, a heavy burden off my chest. So I'm sorry if it sounds cheesy, you know how much of an emotional person I am." Ollie nodded at me with an encouraging smile.
"Ollie, I love you more than anything in this world. I love every time we touch. I love every time you look at me and smile. I love every time we hug. I love when you make stupid jokes. I love every second I spend with you. I-I love every time we kiss. It feels so surreal, yet the realest I've ever felt in my life. When we kiss, I feel like my insides are on fire and I'm about to melt on the spot. It's so sweet I want to get diabetes from kissing you all the time. It feels exhilarating and liberating and all the while my heart would pound in my ears. No one I've ever been with can ever compare to you. My point is, I'm willing to stay friends with you unless you want to take it a step further. So yes, I love you, Oliver Campbell." I exhaled, relieved that I got to say everything I've been keeping bottled in for so long. I was anxious for his response, so I bit my lip and subconsciously scooted back.
I was caught off guard when he responded with a watery smile followed by a gentle kiss. I had been craving it for so long and here it was. I savored the moment. It could have lasted a few seconds or a few minutes, but it felt like time had stopped. This kiss was different from all the ones we shared before. In the past, it was so heated, so passionate and rough to the point I'd even have bruised lips or a bitten tongue. Back then, it was almost carnal. But now, it was just as soft as when he touched my chin. He touched me as if I had fragile warning stickers plastered all over me. We kissed slowly and took our time. He pulled me closer to him, so at that point we were both on the floor in an entanglement of long limbs.
When we finally broke apart to breathe, he cupped my face and lightly caressed my tear-stained cheeks. "I love you too, Nate." He lightly chuckled to himself. "I only said three words but you had a whole speech prepared." I gave him a look and he laughed more and raised his hands in mock surrender. "I'm joking. But not about the fact that I love you. If I didn't make it clear enough, I want us to be more than friends. I'm glad you mustered up the courage to confess because I don't know if I could, but look at me now. I feel the same way. No more lies, no more running away from problems and feelings."
"I can't believe this." Ah, here come the tears. I got choked up that I could barely swallow.
Ollie used the back of his hand to wipe my waterfall of tears. "Oh no, did I say something wrong again? Nate, what's wrong?"
I lightly swatted his hand away and shook my head. "Nothing's wrong. These are tears of joy." I also mustered up a watery smile, my lips quaking. "I just n-never thought it'd end up like this. I was so scared of losing you."
"Well I'm here now as your boyfriend. Can I kiss you?"
I never thought he would ever ask. "Don't even ask anymore," I muttered after I lunged for his lips, looping my arms around his neck.
This one had a bit more passion as it held the longing and the sorrow that we previously felt. Nonetheless it was still very gentle. He somehow managed to comb his fingers through my impossibly unruly hair and I could feel him smiling against my own lips. At some point we had moved to my bed because the carpeted floor I had been crying on just didn't cut it. I could stay like this for an eternity if it meant forgetting what was happening outside.
At one point, his hand roamed down to the hem of my shirt. He softly lifted it so that my abdomen was exposed and he lightly touched my side and I flinched.
Worried, Ollie immediately retracted his hand and pulled away with a concerned look on his face. "I'm sorry, did I hurt you? What happened? I can stop if you want to." My lips were slightly swollen, yet I still pressed them together in a thin line.
"No, no. None of that. I'm fine," I said trying to brush it off.
He pulled back more and lifted more of my shirt to see what exactly was going on. He gasped and his eyes were filled with rage. He saw the bruises. "Who did this?"
I quickly pulled down my shirt. "Nobody. I'm clumsy and fell down my huge staircases. Some of them are also from basketball practice. You know Coach Mendoza has us working til we drop."
Ollie frowned. Yeah, he could totally see through my ramble of excuses. There was no way I'd get away with again. Last time I only had one bruise. "You're a bad liar, Nate. Also, you haven't been to practice since the party. Who did this?"
I shouldn't be hiding things from him anymore. I can't even lie. "M-my father."
Ollie hissed and got up to sit beside me. "That bastard. Why is he hitting you?"
"He's always pissed about something I do. I haven't even told him I'm... not straight yet. Obviously or I wouldn't be living in this house. But it's like he knows. I'm his personal punching bag sometimes. And my mom usually doesn't say anything. Recently, it's because I'm grounded. They're really disappointed in me, Ollie. I'm so close to being kicked out."
Ollie ran a hand down his face. "Guess we both have daddy issues. My dad isn't as... abusive. But he's just as homophobic."
"Do your parents know you broke up with Cleo?"
Ollie made a pained face and slowly shook his head. "Not yet. I know they would ask why, but what would I say? 'Hey, I broke up with the heiress to one of the richest clothing companies in the world and now I'm dating my best friend, who's a guy by the way.' I wish they would accept me they way I am, but I know it's never that easy."
"I understand..." I knew exactly how he felt. I know there was no going back if I came out to my parents. We both had very influential parents in general. Why couldn't they be more open-minded? I once overheard my parents talking the usual homophobic talk when my dad said 'if my son was gay, I'd personally skin him alive.' It made my blood run cold and I ran away and stayed at my grandma's for the whole weekend. "So how would this relationship thing go?" It sounded so amateur, but I haven't been with a guy before. Everything is so different.
Ollie was conflicted. "I wish we could just be free to publicly hold hands and kiss and do stuff other couples do. But imagine what would happen if our parents found out. I could deal with my dad, but I don't want you to get anymore hurt than you already are. At this point, can't you call the police over this? You're basically an adult."
Maybe. "It would be such a headache I don't want to deal with. They're still my parents... I think he just needs anger management or therapy or something. Sending him to jail is the last thing I'd want. That wouldn't change anything. I want him to change for the better and accept me." Maybe that seemed a little unrealistic. Push comes to shove, I'll leave the house. I was supposed to leave this town after senior year anyways, this might be a little earlier.
Ollie cracked a half smile. "That would be nice. I don't know how you'd go about it though. I think he's a hard case, though."
"At some point I want to come clean to them no matter what the consequence is. But right now, I'm not exactly ready. I'm assuming you're probably the same."
"I guess we're mutually agreeing to stay secret to our parents for now. Is there any other people you want to know about us?" I like this communication, exactly what Robyn was talking about. Why didn't I do this sooner?
Speaking of Robyn. "Uh, well I've talked to Robyn and Em about it. But we can trust them."
"Of course, they're fine."
"Good, that's really good." I smiled at him. We both laid on my bed, face up to my ceiling. "Wait, who let you in? Both of my parents are downstairs in the theater room. And I have a few maids, but I didn't hear the doorbell."
Ollie laughed awkwardly, scratching his head. "Well, they don't know I'm here. I snuck in through the basement."
"Oh." There was a small cellar corridor that lead up to outside behind the bar in case of an emergency. Ollie used to go through it when we snuck out together or we secretly hung out on my room. It had been a while, of course. "So no one knows you're here?"
"Nada. Well, besides you."
"This is so risky..." Imagine if my parents came in at any minute.
"I'll leave if it makes you uncomfortable."
"You don't make me uncomfortable... but I'm just a little on edge right now."
Ollie kissed me on the cheek. "Did that loosen you up?"
My cheeks were burning. I felt so shy despite us having kissed so many times already. "I don't know. How about another one to make sure."
"Shameless," he muttered as he leaned to kiss me on the lips this time. We used to sneak kisses in the school bathroom stalls, behind the bleachers after games, or in the locker room when everyone left. We never went pass making out, but it just felt different on the bed. It just meant more than some fling. I blissfully sighed into the kiss until the handles of my doors rattled.
"Shit," Ollie cursed under his breath. "At least I locked the door," he whispered to me, already slipping out of the bed.
"Quick, go into my walk-in closet." It was probably better than hiding under the bed. In order to get to it you had to walk through my bathroom. He silently nodded when I went to the door, quickly fixing my hair and clothes. I paused right before opening it, scrambling to scatter books across the floor to make it look like I was studying and doing homework.
"Nathan? Why is your door locked? Open it." Ugh. It was my mom. She continued to rattle the door knob as if it would make me open it faster.
"Yes, Mother? What do you need?" I tried to be as nonchalant as possible.
She kicked a few books to the side as shemade her way in. "Dear, we have a whole room dedicated for doing your schoolwork. And we even have a library. Yet you choose to do it on the floor." She paused to sigh and shake her head. "I expect this to be cleaned up when I'm done talking. Anyways, I just finished taking to Mr. Tachibana on the phone. Him and his daughter are visiting our town for a business deal. They're going to be staying out our mansion for the time being. Maybe this will be a good opportunity to get to know his daughter better. Haru said she's missed playing with you." The timing couldn't be any worse. And her wording was very questionable.
"When is this?"
"Tomorrow. They've already packed all their things. All they need to do is board the plane." Why is this so last minute?!
"Oh."
"I don't want you to go to school tomorrow. You need to be here to greet them. I'm sure you can miss one day. Mondays aren't all that important." She flippantly batted her hand. I had a test tomorrow, excuse you. "You need to clean up nicely by lunch time, okay? No hoodies or sweatpants."
"Yes, Mom."
She patted me on the face a little too hard, giving me a quick smile. "Great. I'll be going to notify our maids. Remember, before lunch time." I gave her a final nod before shutting the door and swiftly locking it.
"Ollie? You can come out now."
He emerged with a pout. "That sounds like a date. And it's not with me."
I rubbed my temples. "Talk about it. This Haru girl tries too hard. Trust me, nothing is going to be happening between us."
"Why can't they just stay in a hotel?" Ollie expressed with disdain towards the whole situation. I was thinking the exact same thing.
I shrugged. "I know of a few reasons. Mr. Tachibana is a rich guy that just loves to indulge in luxury. And you have to admit, my house is something much more interesting than staying in an expensive hotel."
Ollie tilted his head. "You could say that. But still. It feels like they're trying to do an arranged marriage. What is this, the 1700s?" We both cringed at the thought of being married away to some stranger for business reasons like we're objects. Sadly enough, it's still happening to people today in many other cultures.
"I have a right to refuse this whole thing anyways. I can also pull out an excuse like 'oh I want to make sure they're the right one.' Or something like 'I'm not ready yet, maybe after college.'"
"You know it can't be like that forever."
"Right. You're absolutely right. But I'm so scared."
Ollie took both of my slender, calloused hands and kissed my fingers. I got that warm feeling flush throughout my whole body and once again, I was blushing madly. I knew he was smooth, but I didn't pin him to be this romantic. "You don't have to be scared when I'm here. You're not alone. This is the modern times in America, okay? They're not going to stone you or burn you on a stake. You're a good son and person more valuable than just something to pawn off. It's your parents' fault for not seeing that."
I nodded in comprehension. Of course. I'm basically an adult. I need to stop shedding tears over something worthless and pick myself up. "Thank you, Ollie."
"For what?" I almost cooed at how he tilted his head. I wanted bury my face in his soft blonde hair.
"For being both my best friend and the best boyfriend ever." I took the iniative to kiss him, but this time, it was on the neck, which surprised him. It was usually the other way around, but I was in a better mood. I even littered kisses along his beautifully carved jawline and collarbone. "I love you, Ollie."
Ollie chuckled and caged my head between his arms so he was looking down at me. His eyes weren't full of hunger or lust, just pure adoration. He hadn't smiled this widely in a long time. "I love you too, Nate."
~~~
4.1k words
What if I told you guys that this is my first time writing Both a confession scene and a kissing scene. I apologize if it's cringey, but I missed the fluff.
Also big thanks to Oof_Alpha for voting and commenting and adding my story to their reading list!! Ilysm so I really appreciate it <3
(I drew the image above, it's meant to be Emerson but why does it look like Jungkook when my reference image was Conan Gray????)