Emerson Scott
Ever since Robyn woke up from his nap after we cloud-watched, I could feel that Robyn was acting differently. I knew something was off. If I didn't notice that, then what kind of best friend would I be?
As I had brought up earlier to Robyn, it seemed that he was backing away from our skinship. If anything, it should be me, seeing as he's the sweaty one all the time. I put up with him because he's, well, Robyn. I know that he's not the type to initiate physical contact, especially before I met him, but he had gradually warmed up to it the more he spent time with our family. As he liked to put it, "over-affectionate."
Or maybe it was a bad dream. He had some pretty bad ones over the years. But I thought they were getting better, the nightmares subsiding and only popping up when he was under stress. He was shaking when he woke up, his skin covered in goosebumps, yet having a sheen of cold sweat despite the autumn season. And I knew the anniversary of his father's death was coming soon. It was always a rough time. Maybe that was his source of stress.
I didn't know how to help him. Should I give him space? Surely prying wouldn't be appreciated. But he should know that I was there for him, and I thought I made it pretty clear. I just didn't want him to completely isolate himself ever again.
Shortly after our cake fight, it didn't take too long for him to fall asleep. So it shouldn't be a big deal, right? I didn't want to bring down the mood of his birthday.
Since Nathan and Oliver had unnatural sleeping habits and woke up at an ungodly time just to jog, they were tasked with preparing the table for the cookie cake to be served.
So all I had to do was comfort the birthday boy, I guess. I absentmindedly combed my fingers through his long hair. Despite having an initial reluctance to other acts of affection, this was one thing he never complained about.
Fifth Grade, Sleepover
I nestled closer to Robyn in the makeshift fort we built. We were pretty proud of it since it didn't just consist of blankets draped over a few chairs and pillows No, we were much more advanced. In my house, we had a super long L-shaped couch that was handy for this. My mom had let us use a couple of leftover a-frame trellises for extra headroom in our epic fort. It was my genius, original idea. Besides, it makes a good support for the fairy lights. Nothing could beat our blanket fort.
We each had a Nintendo DS, mine being lime green and his red, and had a little competition when we played Super Mario to see who could reach the highest level the fastest. Of course I won most of the time. Robyn would always use the excuse that it was because he'd like to spend more time on Pokemon. Which is a lie, because it was actually Animal Crossing.
We were stocked up on movie theater snacks ranging from popcorn, sour gummy worms, and chocolate mint candies. The unhealthy, yet mouthwatering dream of an elementary kid.
I yawned. "Are you tired already? It's not even two yet. That's like bare minimum, dude."
I squinted at him incredulously. "Two? In the morning?" However, if I wanted to be honest, I didn't think I could make it back then. I have always been a morning person, not a night owl. Especially when I was a kid, I loved to take naps all the time. "But it's only eleven, not even midnight yet. Yawning doesn't necessarily indicate lack of sleep. It just means less blood circulation." Bet he didn't know that.
"Nerd," Robyn said, sticking his tongue at me as he reached for a handful of popcorn. His lack of creative insults hadn't changed since we were kids, that's for sure. "You're starting to bore me! It's supposed to be a fun sleepover! You've never pulled an all-nighter before? Or are your parents just party poopers?"
"Has it ever occurred to you that there's 'sleep' in the word 'sleepover?'"
"We can sleep later! Come on, choose a movie and we can sleep afterwards."
I acquiesced with a sigh and booted up my dad's laptop, popping open the DVD player. "What movie do you have in mind?" I asked as I propped up a stack of DVD cases between us.
"Ninjago."
I cracked a smile. "Heck yeah."
~~~
By the time the movie was done it was midnight. This time it was Robyn's turn to yawn.
"Look who's sleepy now."
"Nah, it's my lack of blood circulation," he mocked in a voice that poorly imitated my own. Yet I could tell he was drowsy from the way his eyes dipped to the way his voice was slightly lower (as low as a fifth grader's voice could be).
"It's three am now. Far past your two am quota. Let's sleep now." I began to reach for the laptop to take out the DVD and turn it off, but Robyn shifted it in front of him.
"I don't want to," he protested.
I pursed my lips. "Suit yourself. If you wanna be stubborn, it's not my fault if you wake up late and all the waffles are gone." He sighed, his face scrunched up in apparent inner turmoil. "The fun won't stop tonight, ok? We can still play a lot tomorrow. It's the weekend anyways."
"Okay," he reluctantly agreed. "But it's hard for me to sleep alone." We we're close enough at that point that he wasn't embarrassed by this admission. To be fair at this age, Robyn wasn't embarrassed about much. Even now he doesn't have much shame. "I mean, I sleep in my own bed, but my mom always puts me to bed by snuggling me and patting my head."
He shifted underneath our shared blanket. We were facing each other and he squeezed his eyes shut as if it would instantly make him fall asleep. In an attempt to comfort him, I started to run my fingers through his hair. Back then his chestnut hair was even lighter, but much shorter.
Slightly startled, his eyes opened and looked into mine, but he didn't protest or tell me to stop. "Is this okay?" I asked, hoping he'd be able to fall asleep soon.
"Yeah... it's okay."
"Night, Em."
"Good night, Robbie." He had closed his eyes as his breathing evened out more.
"Thank you."
~~~
It's ironic how he never wanted to sleep when we were kids, but now it was something he really struggled with.
I looked next to the kid who had grown so much. Been through so much, lost a lot, but gained a lot of friends. It's crazy to think that we were going to start our final year of high school next year. What would life look like after high school? It was a scary thing to think about, especially since Robyn and I chose very different career paths. But I knew neither of us would let go of our friendship that easily.
I was still running my fingers through his hair when Robyn groggily woke up, his raspy voice asking, "What're you thinking about? I can hear the cogs turning."
"Preposterous," I snorted, lightly pushing his head away from me. "Are you okay, Robyn?"
I could feel him shrug next to me. "Yeah. Do I seem not okay?"
I can't hurt to ask. "You know what you said earlier about always being one-hundred percent with me?"
"Yes?" Robyn responded cautiously. It was that tiptoeing again.
"Please, if you're having a hard time you know I'm here for you, right? I've said it time and time again, so I know I sound like a broken record, but I know this is a difficult period." I don't want him to ever shut off everyone ever again.
"It's okay, Em. Really. I'm fine because I know you're here."
"Okay." I could tell it was significantly lighter outside and didn't want to dampen his birthday mood furthermore. "Let's go enjoy that cookie cake outside."
Robyn begrudgingly untangled himself from me and I could feel the heat immediately dissipate. I realized just how much colder it was and reached for another jacket, but couldn't seem to find it. I recalled I must have left it on one of the camping chairs outside.
"Here, Em," Robyn said as he handed me his fur-lined denim coat, cognizant of my plight.
'Thanks, Robyn. How can you always read my mind?" I asked as I shrugged on his warm coat.
"Soulmate things," he replied, a callback to what I said earlier. For some reason the smile that accompanied that sweet statement made something in my stomach flutter, something roll like the burning embers at the start of a fire.
"Y-yeah," I stuttered somehow. I shied my face away from him, hoping he didn't catch that. When I looked back, he had already gone outside. I scrambled to button the jacket and pull on my boots sloppily, not even bothering to properly tie the laces.
"What took you guys so long?" Oliver asked with an arched brow.
"You never skip cuddling time even on a camping trip," Robyn said like that was an actual thing.
"I'm starting to think you guys don't want cake," Nathan said as he stuck the candle into the cake poorly, lighting it with haste. "Hurry before the wax reaches the cookie."
Rather off key and pitchy, was Oliver who led the birthday song, obnoxiously applauding and giving Robyn birthday slaps. "Took you long enough to turn seventeen."
"At least I wasn't held back, Gramps."
In indignation, Oliver huffed. "I wasn't held back. I just started school late."
"Sure," Robyn replied with a dubious expression.
"I'm honestly surprised Oliver didn't dunk Robyn's head in the cake," I commented. It happens more often than not when it comes to birthdays within the basketball team. It escalated to the point where we could only bring in cupcakes after the fiasco with the twins where they brutally smashed Julius's face into the table, intentionally or unintentionally, missing the cake. Any harder and Julius would've had a broken nose.
Nathan gave Oliver a look as Oliver answered. "Well, it'd be a shame not to eat because Emily prepared it."
"Aww. Oliver does have a heart," Robyn teased as Nathan handed him a plate of said cookie cake.
"Don't make me change my mind," Oliver smiled menacingly.
"While on the topic of Oliver having a heart, we have a gift we chose together for you," Nathan said going back to their shared tent to retrieve said gift. He came back with an intricately wrapped box with red ribbon topped by a gold seal.
"How sweet of you two," I cooed.
Robyn raised an eyebrow and whistled in admiration. "I can't tell what's more expensive, the gift wrapping or the gift itself."
"Why don't you open it and see," Oliver nudged.
Robyn's jaw dropped. "You guys didn't have to," he said, pulling out the AirPods Max box.
"Would it make you feel better if I told you it was a freebie from a Christmas party?" Oliver said dryly.
"Was it?"
Oliver met his question with a chaste smile. Nathan laughed in the silence. "Of course not. I made him pay for it."
"Bold of you to assume he won't absolutely destroy those within a week, God of Destruction," I said, which received a wad of gift wrapping paper at my face as a response from Robyn.
"This costs my kidney."
Oliver snorted. "Please, that's too cheap for a kidney. Try a stomach or spleen."
"How do you know that?" I raised my eyebrow in concern at Oliver's direction.
"There's still more," Nathan said, trying to get us back on track as he pointed at the gift box.
Robyn pulled out a pair of socks and a gift card that could be applicable to a pantheon of restaurants. Then he held up two books. One I recognized and the other, strangely looking like a kids book. "Song of Achilles? Y'all trying to make me cry?"
Oliver shrugged. "I told Nate you don't read."
"It's a good read, okay," Nathan defended. "And just because you don't read doesn't mean he can't." In Oliver's defense, Robyn really doesn't read. It shows.
I agreed. "It's worth the read, Robyn. But it will leave you emotionally wrecked."
"In case you aren't up for a long novel, try reading the picture book," Oliver snickered. "Go on, read the title."
"Go The F*ck To Sleep." Robyn gave a pointed look. "Oh, I wish I could."
"Dude, you have to listen to Samuel L Jackson's narration. It's perfect."
Robyn skimmed through it, quickly flipping through the pages. "Thanks guys. I'll read this every night and then read it to my children. This will cure my insomnia for sure."
"Speaking of children, we can pretend to read it to our project baby that you'll probably chuck into the toilet at some point," I commented while thumbing through the vulgar book myself.
Robyn nodded along. "We'd make the best parents." He raised his hands in mock surrender. "But if it somehow ends up in the toilet it totally wouldn't be on purpose."
The other two gave skeptical looks. Nathan said, "That's all we got for you. Thank you for reminding me to never hire Robyn as a future babysitter."
"Nate, is that your subtle way of telling me you'll have my children?" Oliver suggestively remarked.
Robyn groaned and kicked the back of Oliver's knees where Oliver then poked Robyn's side.
"This is the last time we're having a trip with you two. This ain't your honeymoon, thanks for the gifts but you guys are respectfully not invited to the next one. Love ya," Robyn half joking and probably half seriously said with a passive aggressive smile.
Nathan didn't even try to argue. "I'm not even mad, because that's completely understandable," he shrugged and reached to pinch Oliver's ear. "Sometimes it's like I'm dating a straight middle schooler." He rolled his eyes. "Let's not go back to those dark ages," he chuckled.
In a shift to a teasing complexion, Robyn glanced at me and gestured in a beckoning motion. "While we're on the topic of gifts, where is my gift, Em?"
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Well this trip is part one, part two, you'll have to wait until later."
Oliver whistled. "Sounds risqué. Lucky man." Nathan sighed in exasperation. Dude was in a constant state of horniness only comparable to the Twins or dogs in heat. Okay, maybe not that bad, but since we're the only group he's comfortable enough being himself, that, unfortunately, meant that he was comfortable enough to say the dumbest shit. I think it's just a phase. Or the hormones. He'll recover soon. I hope.
"Shut up," Robyn barked with a graceful flip of the middle finger. Meanwhile, I had my own dumbass enough to deal with.
~~~
Most of the day was spent hiking and taking in the scenery. Something that was not a favorite pastime back at home considering the flat plains of nothingness and occasional farmhouse and maybe cows if you are lucky. Here, however, the effervescent horizon was filled with rolling hills of evergreens and the tallest and oldest of trees, beautifully arranged in autumnal colors, in leaves that surprisingly clinged on despite the colder climate being right around the corner. Creeks flowed with clear, cool water. Not murky, not muddy. It was very tempting to drink from. It was picturesque, seemingly to have been envisioned by only Bob Ross himself. Yet in face of all the beauty that nature had to offer was a couple of himbos yelling stupid things and the stupidest of ways making up the stupidest shit. Pardon my crass language.
Despite my best pieces of advice and warnings, Robyn and Oliver still made ridiculous bets which were merely justified with the over-tired, "but I'm the birthday boy" card.
"Fine, but if you do that dumbass dare with the shower, this birthday will also be your death day."
"Consider my Timbers shivered," Robyn snickered, already showing signs of contemplating the next dare's punishment in his mind as his face contorted into a shit-eating grin.
"I think competing is their love language. Let dudes be dudes," Nathan said in resignation. We let the two do whatever 'dudes' do as they ran ahead while I stayed back with Nathan at a sensible pace. "Soo," Nathan started. "How long have you known Robyn again?"
"Too long," I joked. "At the beginning of fifth grade. So I guess you could say almost seven years."
"And over those seven years you've seen him grow and change as a person?"
"Well, naturally." I was rather curious of the direction this conversation was going. It was not often I had deeper talks with Nathan, but I did not mind it. In fact, I welcomed it even though Robyn was the closer one to his basketball teammates. It was a natural progression to our current friend group and dynamic, but Nathan had always been guarded behind his rich kid persona, so I was glad to open up to him and vice versa. "He may still have his fifth grader moments, but he's gone through many things people double his age couldn't even imagine. I'm just proud to be his best friend and grow up with someone like him."
Nathan smiled but it didn't quite reach his eyes. His left hand was soothing his right hand, his thumb running along the back of it in circular motions. I knew him long enough that this was a sign he was anxious when talking about certain subjects. "That's nice. And I can kinda relate with Ollie. I've been with him for as long as I could remember. If you told me we'd be dating a few years ago I probably would have smacked you, gagged at you, or all of the above. We see how other people change and grow, but neglect our own growth. Restrospectively, I was borderline homophobic. Call it internalized homophobia fueled by constant homophobic jabs and remarks from my father." I didn't realize we'd reach this conversation so soon.
"I know it's an odd time to maybe talk about this, but I trust you Emerson. As much as Robyn." We mutually smiled at each other. "You're pretty wise for your age, you know that? I regret not asking for your advice earlier. But what can you do when you're young and naive and hopelessly in love with your best friend?" Nathan turned abashed, probably realizing this was the cheesiest he's ever sounded, at least in front of me.
"I-I don't even know what to say, Nathan. I'm flattered you think I'm wise, but you make me sound like I spit proverbs out like a monk or something."
Nathan laughed. "You're just a good listener and that's what I need right now." He took a deep breath and sighed, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket.
"You're a smart dude, Emerson. You can already guess the shit storm, garbage douche of my father is. And I think Ollie has already voiced his concerns with the future of our relationship because of him. But I'm sure he's someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. Sure that still might be the immature, naive, and hopeless romantic that I am talking, but no matter the status of relationship in the future, that much stands true." My heart squeezed for Nathan.
"Gosh, I know I just said I regret not asking you for advice, but this is not really me asking you for advice. This is me reassuring myself," he spoke with such conviction that it was admirable the amount of affection one could convey with just their eyes, "And maybe you," he added ambiguously to the end. Me? And my nonexistent love woes? I didn't quite understand what he meant.
"When you're sure about something, someone, don't beat around the bush and wait. Defend that gut feeling of certainty. I know you're a more logical-oriented person, but trust your heart and things will start to make sense." He laugh at himself in incredulity. "I probably sound insane and you're probably very confused. It's just that I'm probably saying stuff aloud I've been trying to affirm to myself for a while." Nathan was talking with hands, wildly gesticulating as he was trying to convey his rather ambiguous point. "Gosh, I sound like a fortune cookie," he snorted.
"Feel free to speak whatever's on your mind. I don't judge," I encouraged. I always advocated for communication and here Nathan was, an open book.
"I can see why Robyn is wrapped around your finger. You're a rare friend to find these days." We continued to talk as the twigs snapped under our feet, as the leaves crunched with each footstep, as the distant laughter of our company ran ahead in the distance.
"Nathan, I honestly didn't expect this from you." I was grateful and in awe of this seemingly coming out of nowhere. He must have had it bottled for a long time. Out of the four of us, Nathan was actually the most emotionally sensitive one, even moreso than me. And that was saying something.
"Haha, yeah. Crazy. When you've got a mom that's never home and a 'dad' who shouldn't be home, I become the recipe for an emotional wreck."
I frowned. "You are too harsh on yourself. You're not an emotional wreck. You're not a wreck or a screw up, period. You're an amazing person. A great friend. I'm sure Oliver would say the best boyfriend. You following your heart is what made Oliver change for a better person. You're brave and strong for coming out to us. Don't think anything less of yourself."
Nathan sniffled, rubbing his nose like something was itching it. "You're really good at pep talks. Coach should take notes."
"That's probably why I'm dubbed the mom friend then, eh?"
We soon caught up with our respective yelling himbos as there was another viewing point. Robyn had a smug expression on his face while Oliver looked slightly vexxed.
"I'm guessing Robyn won," Nathan asked.
Robyn nodded vigorously. "Since we're going to explore some caves later we agreed that the loser would sing baby shark at the top of his lungs."
"That's so stupid," I wrinkled my nose. That was more of a punishment for anybody in the cave. Oliver's eyes narrowed in faux betrayal.
"Your punishment wasn't even that bad, Robyn."
"I beg to differ," I interjected, forever subjected to be roped into Robyn's silly shenanigans for life.
Robyn hung back to talk to me. "Hey, Em."
"At least you're in a good mood." That's all I could really ask for. While I acted somewhat begrudging, Robyn was having a good time. I was startled out of my thoughts when Robyn's frigid fingers found mine. "What's this for?"
Robyn shrugged simply. "My hands are cold."
"I swear I put gloves on the packing list."
"Weren't you the one yesterday complaining that your hands were cold after we took a shower. You never asked questions when we held hands before," Robyn pointed out, still holding my hand.
Huh. He had a good point. I was the one who usually initiated it. Maybe that's why it was so weird. Weird makes it sound bad. I take that back, it's not weird. I couldn't quite place it, but it just felt different. Not intrusive, not weird, not even embarrassing. Just different. Was it the callouses on his fingers? I chalked it up to being content that he wasn't distancing himself again.
When we got to the cave, the entrance wasn't some obscure hidey hole with a wooden sign being its only indication. No, it was what I imagined the mouth of a whale shark to be like. If the whale shark came from the titan world. It was well lit by the morning sun so you could see shrubbery at the bottom of the hole. Steps were carved into the side of the steep cavernous walls with rails haphazardly placed on the edge. I could only imagine the bumpy slip-and-slide death spreeedrun it'd be if it were iced over. Yeah, sure there was a sign, but it wasn't a dingy wooden one, and instead a metal-plated one filled with hazard signs and warnings. You, know the usual you'd get for any hiking or cave activities.
"Garden of Eden?" Robyn asked aloud as he read the name of the cave. He peered down in skepticism. "Isn't the garden of Eden supposed to be luschious garden with rivers and pretty shit around it. You know, not some gray cave walls in the middle of nowhere?"
"For one, it was obviously somewhere in the Middle East or Africa area if it were real. But it's probably some allegorical stuff meaning some deep shit," Oliver said offhandedly.
"Someone went to Bible school."
Since I had planned the trip and did my research on this place, I knew exactly what surprise this particular cave held beyond the random bats. "You'll see."
As if it weren't already slightly chilly at the top, it got significantly colder the deeper we went down as less and less sunlight hit us. Now it actually felt like we were truly in November weather. "I think this is a cave that should have a tour guide," Robyn grunted as he held onto the railings with a white-knuckled grip.
"Trust me, this is worth it. I think a tour guide would ruin the experience." Though I sounded pretty optimistic and excited for what came ahead, I started to sweat knowing what was going to come next. I had an intense fear of heights, so I was basically telling myself that it would be worth it. Even if that meant crossing a bridge over a ravine.
Said bridge had came into view and again those warning signs popped up. Did I mention that the bridge was suspended over a ravine so deep that the bottom looked like a gateway to hell? Okay, I'm being over dramatic, because it looked pretty. At least it had rope railings, but they didn't hinder my vision to the bottom at all.
Robyn knew how I was with heights so, once again, took my hand into his. This time it wasn't a cautious hold, but a strong, reassuring grip I felt I could put my whole weight into if need be. Hopefully that wouldn't come, because that would have meant I fainted. It was not time to be overdramatic so I sucked it and pursed my lips, almost forgetting to breathe. Robyn didn't even have to say anything before I relaxed in his warmed up hands.
"It's okay, Em. Don't look down there. Look at me." I exhaled shakily and followed his, for once, sensical instructions. He smiled and I felt the muscles that were previously clenched relax as my tension diminished. "There you go. Better?" I nodded.
I was still watching Robyn's face intently, resolute to not peep at the seemingly treacherous bottom. He started humming that comforting tune we made when we were younger, the one I'd sometimes sing to him when his insomnia became unbearable. I don't know what was so comforting to us. Maybe the nostalgia. The brief wave of reminiscence hit of us coming up with it on a whim all those years ago.
The bridge didn't seem so daunting and we were over it before I knew it. I almost forgot about Nathan and Oliver, especially since Oliver was being uncharcateristically quiet for someone who had a punishment that I cetainly didn't want to remind him about. Of course Robyn did.
"Hey, Oliver," he called back to Oliver's puckered face, "I can't hear you."
I sighed and let go of Robyn's arm. Oliver flipped him off. "Ba-by shark doo doo doo doo doo doo," he started yelling, not really singing it at that volume. Unbeknownst to him Nathan had pulled out his phone to record his boyfriend's antics. He had to bite his lips to stifle his laughter. "Daddy shark doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, daddy shark âThis is so stupid."
"You agreed to it. Maybe you should've won then," Robyn gloated with a perfunctory shrug.
This went on for a little while longer until Robyn was doubled down in tears, only a few chuckles away from rolling around on the ground. "Oh that was too good. Are you embarrassed?"
Of course Oliver wouldn't give him the satisfaction of admitting that so he grumbled through his teeth, "Not embarrassed. It's just us here anyways." Maybe some karma had come to bite him in the butt, because as soon as those words left his mouth, a young couple with a toddler sitted in the backpack seat passed us. And I could've sworn the baby gave him a sassy, judgemental expression for a split second. Oliver clamped his mouth shut as Nathan laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder.
I could see some wooden posts with blue arrows as markers and knew we were soon coming up to the showstopping part. A short tunnel opened up into an opening that was similar to the entrance, but much more spectacular and borderline fantastical. It was like a gateway that transported us to a completely different looking place. Even though I had seen photos of this place, none of it compared.
"I can see where it got its name from now," Robyn muttered in astonishment. The valley part of the cave was large enough for a village to inhabit in the space alone. If elves were real, this is totally where they'd live. It was all the more colorful with the leaves at this time of year.
"Don't judge a book by its cover," I said alongside him.
"You are a monk," Nathan snickered from behind me.
As we made our way precariously down stone carved steps, we could see small silhouettes of a few people scattered along the landscape almost like little ants from our vantage point. How could something like this exist in the midwest, I thought incredulously. I ran the palms of my hand along the cool, damp stone.
Once we reached the burnt-umber colored ground, Nathan started to pull Oliver away.
"Where are you guys going?" Robyn asked.
"Couple stuff. You wouldn't know," said Oliver.
I batted my hand at them. "Yeah, yeah. We wouldn't want to third wheel you guys anyways. Have fun."
The couple whispered something between them before they left and it was followed by stifled laughter. When I looked up at Robyn he was already looking down at me. "Let's go."
"Okay," I immediately took his hand without thinking.
~~~
After exploring the nooks and crannies, stopping to read those historical podiums, and taking photos of some cute creatures, Robyn and I decided to take a rest on a fallen log near the stream.
"Robyn, I swear if you push me in the waterâ" He was trying to shake the log, of course it was so heavy that it didn't budge at all.
"I would never. I was just testing it." He knocked on the wood under us. The log hung over the stream as we dangled our legs. Robyn sat close to me, welcomed since I was cold as I rested along his side. He sighed and stared at the steady stream of water under us, almost absentmindedly.
"I want to tell you something, Em." You know that sinking feeling you get when you hear your name called to the front office? Yeah that's kinda what I felt. His serious tone combined with his hard set features meant it was a subject not to take lightly. I immediately became fully attentive and set my hand on his shoulder.
"What's going on?"
"I had a dream," he started reluctantly. "It was right before we watched the movie. I'm sorry, you asked me if anything was wrong. I lied. I didn't forget it; it was about my dad. But I wanted to forget it." He sighed and ran a hand down his face. "You know how hard it is for me to talk about my dad."
I took his hands which were nervously fidgeting and clasped mine around them. "I do. You still don't have to talk about him if it's still difficult." They say time heals wounds, but for some people, it takes extra time and more. And that's completely fine.
"No, I want to. It wasn't necessarily a bad dream." He gave a melancholic smile. "It was comforting, actually."
"Oh, really? That's good."
He nodded. "Yeah. It was. My dad wished me a happy birthday. I know we're not super religious, but I like to think it was a message from heaven or him being an angel. I just hope he's resting in peace, you know?" His eyes had teared a bit, so I used my sleeve to wipe, but before I could retract my hand, Robyn grabbed my wrist. "Speaking of dreams, did you ever look up what yellow, red-tipped roses meant?" He let go of my hand and I slowly dropped it into my lap.
"Now that you've mentioned it, no. I had totally forgot about it. Why?"
"Well I did some research and apparently," he dragged the word out with a smirk, "it means falling in love. Not only that, but especially feelings of friendship shifting to romantic love." He wiggled his eyebrows.
"Hm."
"That's all you have to say? 'Hm?'" He nudged me. "Come on, who's the lucky girl, or guy, obviously I don't judge."
"Well it doesn't really mean much," I said simply as I shrugged. "It's a stretch. I've never given or received those kinds of roses, and like I've said before, I can't associate that meaning in dream if I never knew it. So it's stretch and more like a coincidence. It's like how all the faces you've seen in your dreams are faces you've seen in passing because your mind can't actually make up face."
"By that logic, it's your subconscious bringing up something you may have read in passing."
"Doubt it. And there's a huge glaring fact, that you're glazing over: I don't have any romantic feelings for anyone right now. Much less one of my friends. None if it really makes sense. I mean, I had a dream about clown chickens at a beach amusement park where the sky was neon purple and orange. And what do you think that means? Dreams can be nonsensical."
"Are you saying my dream of my dad was nonsensical?" Robyn asked with a hurt tone and I immediately knew I messed up in denying my feelings that I was so certain I didn't have. Robyn scooted away and I felt colder than I have before.
"I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean it like that. Look, dreams are something that can't be concretely explained because they're so different. You know how rationally-minded I am. It's all confusing, " I stupidly rambled and babbled my dumb mouth off.
Robyn smiled and I knew it didn't quite reach his eyes. My heart twisted at the sight. "Yeah, I understand, Em. Don't feel bad. No hard feelings. You're always on my side."
I hugged him, because I absolutely hated conflict and misunderstandings. I wanted things to be fine. "I'm always going to be by your side."
~~~
I know Robyn said no hard feelings, but I still felt that open pit feeling in my stomach. We never really fought and, yeah, I know that most people would not consider this a fight, but there was something that left me feeling uneasy even after the fact that I couldn't quite place what it was and it was eating me up inside.
I think Nathan noticed something was up, and because in his words, we "weren't attached to the hip."
"Nothing's wrong," I insisted. It was water under the bridge.
Nathan exaggeratedly sighed and shook his head. "A couple's quarrel? On his birthday?" Even though he was joking I was compelled to defend myself.
"No, no nothing like that. It has to do with his father."
Feeling uncomfortable, Nathan didn't want to touch the subject and dipped his head. "Ah, okay. I didn't realize that time of year was approaching so soon."
I shrugged. "Yeah, he's doing fine though."
Nathan donned a concerned expression. "If you say so." He was starting leave and took a few steps before swiveling around for one last word. "I kinda know how you feel, especially Ollie, you know, with his grandmama passing away recently."
This uneasy feeling persisted through out the day and I was starting to think I may have eaten too much cake or had too much gas. Although I wanted to be a physician, it didn't mean I had a diagnosis for anything. Robyn seemed fine, at least more fine than I looked like.
"Em, seriously. It's good," Robyn insisted.
"Y-yeah I know. I don't know if I feel good."
"Did you catch a cold?"
"I don't know."
If my temperature wasn't up before, it spiked in heat flush when Robyn touched my forehead. Maybe it was the deja vu since he had done this exact thing before we left at school a couple days ago.
"Hmm, you said you were cold but you're feeling pretty warm. You might have a cold."
"Ugh no," I whined. "I'm just cold. Are my cheeks pink? They feel pink." The dichotomy of my constant temperature fluctuations must have meant I was probably sick. Did I admit that? No, I was in denial in multiple ways. I digress.
Robyn took that as an initiative to touch my right cheek with a brush of his left hand. "They are pink. Are you sure it's the cold? Or am I just that charming?" He mocked the Wish version of Flynn Rider's smolder. "They call it: unspoken rizz."
I snorted. "You're so stupid. Shut up," I rolled my eyes.
Robyn loudly kissed my cheek with an exaggerated smack of the lips like that auntie that hasn't seen you in five years. It was so embarrassing my cheeks stayed pink, actually red, and I was so close to pushing him into the stream below us.
"See? Unspoken rizz."
I pulled away and rubbed my cheeks with my hands incredulously. "What's up with you today?" Nevermind what I said yesterday about the lack of skinship, it was all here, maybe even more.
Robyn grinned and played with my hair. "It's a good day," he shrugged. "You know what?"
"Hm?"
"I want to come out to my mom."
Oh. That came out of nowhere. While this was nowhere near the first time he's ever come out, he's never come out to his own family before. While I didn't have experience, I could only imagine how hard each baby step was to this moment. If only it could be as easy as he told me it went with my parents, of course his is a completely different situation.
"If you want to, go ahead." I started to fiddle with the strands of hair that had fallen out of his ponytail. "Speaking of your mom, how is Piper doing?"
"Surprisingly, my aunt is taking care of her, for now, but she seems to be doing fine. She's been thinking about going to rehab and getting therapy, but as of now, she's doing marginally better last I've checked. I justâI don't knowâI feel like if I don't do it soon I might lose the courage to or in a blink of an eye leave high school and home without telling her. I don't know, I want at least a year I can be my true self with her... But," he paused to bite his lips, visibly appearing conflicted.
"But?"
"She's probably more homophobic than not," he admitted solemnly.
"What makes you think that?"
"Well, she sometimes frets over the length of my hair or what I'm wearing sometimes. Basically anything remotely effeminate," he frowned. "Which is already a big red flag. Out of the two, my dad was more open-minded. She grew up in a pretty strict household from what I can recall."
"Well, maybe she's more open and receptive after what happened. It does seem like she's trying to change her life for the better."
Robyn snorted. "Yeah maybe physically. Morally? I have no idea. I feel like I don't know my mom anymore."
"You shouldn't feel obligated to come out just because she's your mom. It's should be your decision without feeling any pressure."
"I really want to, but I'm going to wait until she gets better. Make sure to slap me if I pussy-out."
"Duly noted."
Nathan and Oliver waved as they approached us. "Did you guys see 'Satan's Hole?'" Nathan asked as he pointed to his right to a darker portion of the cave.
Robyn raised his eyebrow. "Why would there be something named like that inside 'Eden's Garden?'"
Oliver snorted. "To stay on brand with the biblical stuff. There was a guy who tried to explore a tunnel so narrow he could only shimmy through. Well, legend said he never came back and when they tried to retrieve his body all attempts failed. Some rescue workers claim to hear demonic noises. So yeah, that part is totally blocked off."
I got some chills hearing that story and I was glad I didn't see that part of the cave. Robyn being Robyn said, "Oof. Here I was, about to make a joke about Satan's asshole."
I punched him in the arm. "Dude, I hope you get haunted by that guy's ghost now."
"Do you really wish for paranormal activity when you live with moi," Robyn flourished in a gesture to himself as he smugly looked down at me.
"Absolutely," I responded without a second thought.
~~~
"What the f*ck is that? Looks like a rat on some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle sh*t," Ollie guffawed at Robyn's little clay sculpture. On our way back from cave exploring, we came across a riverbank with some clay near our campsite and took one of our plastic baggies to bring a huge chunk back. After taking out most of the rocks and twigs, we had some crude clay and decided to make some clay sculptures with some of the free time we had before we had to leave.
Robyn, completely and utterly offended, retorted with, "Oliver, hoho, don't get me started with your d*ldo looking object. I didn't be the one to say it, but you've left me no choice."
Admittedly, it looked slightly phallic, but it's not my job to rain on Oliver's parade. "It's supposed to be a mushroom," he pouted, looking at his boyfriend for confirmation.
Nathan clearly had been holding his laugh in for too long because he burst out in laughter and keeled over the picnic table, almost falling on his face. "It.. does look... like a dick..." he managed between breaths.
Too proud to admit anything, Oliver kept his head up. "Art is subjective. Y'all got dirty minds," he huffed which got me laughing because that was rich coming from him of all people.
"Once you're done with your 'mushroom'," I gestured with air quotes, "we can put them over the fire to settle it. It's no kiln but when we get back home I could pop it in the oven for y'all," I offered.
"Make sure Emily doesn't see Oliver's or there's gonna have to be a talk," Robyn snickered.
"That mutant rat is giving nightmare fuel," Oliver retorted.
I glanced at Nathan's and it seemed he went the traditional pottery route and created a small plate with a lip, using a leaf to make imprints and indentations. Nathan noticed me looking and said, "I'm going to make another for Ollie and make him put his handprint on the bottom like I did with this one."
"That's sweet of you."
"Thanks, Emerson. What are you making?"
"Well it kinda looks like pig right now, but it's supposed to be a cow planter. It'll probably be more obvious when I paint it. I was thinking of giving it to Piper to ease her situation. My mom says taking care of plants help her de-stress, so I'm hoping it'd be the same for your mom."
"That's nice, Em," Robyn said softly.
"I was thinking of putting a polka dot plant in there. It'd be a cute thing to put in the kitchen bay window."
"Is it actually a polka dotted plant?" Robyn asked.
"Well, no, more like speckled, but it's pink and I think it'd be cute with the cow pattern, you know?"
"You know what would look cute with Oliver'sâ" Robyn began and I braced myself.
"Oh shut the fuâ" Oliver started.
"Nope!" I yelped as I scrambled to cover Robyn's mouth with my hand. "Best not to finish that sentence." I turned to Oliver. "It's not that bad, you just need to make the top part of the mushroom wider and flatter. The cap doesn't have to look... as round."
"Thank you, Emerson. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated."
"Anytime." When I glazed at Robyn, he showed zero remorse. "Not like yours is any better. Enlighten us of your creation."
"It's not a rat, you uncultured swine. It's supposed to be a cute little chipmunk. Spiritually it represents preparation and planning. And I think in a time of transition, that's needed."
"That's oddly... sentimental of you, Robbie."
"Of course he is, he can cry like a b*tch if we lose a game," said Oliver.
Nathan snorted, "Dude, don't even start. You get so pissed off you might as well be a five year old throwing a tantrum."
"Ooh-ho! Your boyfriend just exposed you. How you feeling?"
"You can't even get a boyfriend, how's your single ass feeling?"
"Damn, that cuts deep," Robyn said defeatedly.
"Do you want one? I told you I could be your wingman." I didn't miss the pained looks Oliver and Nathan gave each other. "Oh come on y'all don't be like that, he has a chance."
Oliver straight up grimaced. "Not at this rate."
"I'm surrounded by idiots," Nathan sighed into his hands.
~~~
Robyn offered to be the one to drive us back home, still in a decently good mood. Of course the two lovebirds in the backseat easily fell asleep under their shared blanket once again, graciously sparing us from hearing Oliver's country rants.
"I had fun, Em."
"Really?"
"Really," he nodded. "How are you feeling?"
"Well-rested, surprisingly. It was fun going on a trip without my parents or Emily. I love my family to death, but sometimes it feels like they tow the line of being overbearing."
"Get ready to be stressed out again with that stupid baby projectâwhatever it's called. Can I just throw it in the basement when it cries so I can actually get a good night's rest?"
I raised my eyebrows skeptically. "That would be, like, defeating the whole point of the project, for one. And two, that's gotta be child abuse. You know the baby prints reports, right?"
"Uhm..." Robyn trailed off. His plans of throwing the cursed doll into the toilet were thwarted. "Seriously?"
"Duh. Did you even do the assignments last week?"
"I just used Quizlet to copy and paste the answers."
"They weren't that hard."
"And I just wanted to go home," Robyn shrugged. "We're co-parenting. You got this."
"At this rate I'll be a single parent."
Robyn pursed his lips in thought. "That reminds me of my aunt. I want to ask her so many things, but I'm thinking she won't be open to answer any them. It's just crazy how she managed to hide a whole baby from us."
"I'm sure she had her reasons and she was probably scared. If I was in her situation I'd be too, especially not wanting to be a burden with your mom's situation. Don't you feel a little bad for all the names you've called her?"
"That doesn't change the fact that she's missed months of rent."
"Gosh, Robyn, this project is going to teach you a lot about taking care of a child. You think she has the time or the money? Rent is the least of your problems here.
"Just talk it out. Remember we were such advocates of communication when Oliver and Nathan were going through it. What about now? At least give her a chance to explain. She doesn't even live there anymore."
Robyn was biting his bottom lip so hard I thought it'd bleed.
"Okay, yeah. Calling her all those names was immature of me. I shouldn't stoop to her level."
I sighed. No progress, of course this wasn't going anywhere at the moment. I just wanted him to admit at least some sort of apology for his behavior and elicit some empathy. I guess we'll have to wait to hear his aunt's explanation. "Okay let's put this convo on hold until we get to the bottom of it. But for now, let's get these two home," I said while pointing to the backseat.
~~~
Robyn first stopped at Oliver's house because it was closer. While it wasn't the Hollywood multi-million house that Nathan's (absurdly) was, it was still a huge house in its own regard.
Oliver attempted his best at peeling away from his boyfriend without waking him up. As he was getting out the luggage, Nathan woke up. The original plan was to drop Nathan at his own house afterwards, but I guess he had other plans.
Nathan stretched and yawned from his nap and kicked away the striped blanket. "I'm staying with you."
"What about your parents?" Oliver asked. Of course he wasn't going to protest spending more time with Nathan, but he seemed concerned.
"It's fine, Ollie. I'll just tell them we're catching up on some homework."
"What? Like 'health' homework?" Robyn said jokingly. I slapped his shoulder. "Hey if they want to study anatomy and physiology, they can."
Nathan hopped out the van. "I just don't want to be home yet. I want to spend more time with Ollie," he said as he started taking out his backpack. Oliver whispered something in Nathan's ear and Nathan shook his head.
"Is everything okay?" I asked.
"Yeah," Nathan said a little too quickly. Oliver gripped his shoulder and looked towards his house. I could tell there was someone standing on the porch.
Oliver cleared his throat. "Happy birthday, Robyn. We're gonna get going. Thanks for everything, especially you, Em. My mom's waiting over there."
"Stay safe bro," Robyn said, sticking his fist out. Nathan and Oliver hurriedly met it with a fist bump and slung whatever they could carry on their backs. "You guys don't need help?" Oliver shook his head.
"Nah, we're good. Night y'all."
While Oliver was making it up the driveway with all their gear I could vaguely hear him say to his mom, "Hey, Ma, can Nate join us for dinner?" Since Robyn was backing up, I couldn't hear what his mom said in response. I'm sure it wasn't a refusal, because that'd be awkward for everybody. Last I thing I saw in the rear view mirror was Nathan shaking Oliver's mom's hand. It was rare she was in-state with the rest of her family (similarly to Nathan's mom), so I kinda forgot what she looked like. She didn't look much like Oliver, especially since she had red hair and Oliver was blonde. But she was pretty tall.
After the abrupt goodbyes, Robyn was thrumming his fingers on the steering wheel. It started to rain so he turned on the wipers. "You think Nathan didn't want to go home because there's something going on at home?"
"We can't be too sure unless he says something, but it probably has to do with his dad."
"Probably... Earlier Nathan expressed some concerns to me, mentioning his dad and saying some pretty cryptic stuff. Remember when you mentioned his bruises?"
"Oh, yeah. He just brushed it off as basketball injuries."
"We obviously know is complete bull, especially if he still has them now because he's been grounded from playing on the team for a while until next semester."
"So what are you suggesting?"
"I'm not going to say to completely ignore the situation, but we should always look out for him before it gets out of hand. Sometimes you have to play it by ear or it can just make the situation worse. His dad is filthy rich and can probably pay the right amount to shut up anyone's mouth."
"Then how can we help him?"
"We could maybe talk to his mom. I'm not sure she knows exactly what's going on."
"You mean the Nobantu Ngcobo-Hawkins, our governor?"
I looked at Robyn like he was stupid. Duh. Who else? "Sometimes even I forget she's Nathan's mom because she travels so much. She just stays in the penthouse in Ukhido because it's more convenient. I know her status makes her seem out of reach, but she was chosen for a reason."
"Who would've thought a huge ass mansion in the middle of only-Dorothy-and-Oz-knows would be inconvenient?" I gave him a look. "Jokes aside, wouldn't that make her a sh*tty mom if she didn't notice?"
"If Nathan didn't want to make it known to her, it'd be easy for him to do so." Especially if his dad wanted toâmade sure toâcover it up as well.
"That's... sad," Robyn said dejectedly gripping the steering wheel. I could tell it was eating him up from the inside knowing there wasn't much we could do right now.
"Look, the most we can do is support him and know he's safe with us and we're open to help in any way we can. If we make any moves he might not like he can easily deny all of it. I know it's hard, but can you even imagine how Oliver feels?"
"Probably terrified."
We arrived home, as Robyn pulled into his driveway. I put a hand on his shoulder, "Look, we're home. Don't be sad."
I watched Robyn's lips. I know he had a habit of gnawing on his lips and it worsened when he had anxiety or wasn't feeling good in general. I lightly grazed my right thumb on his bottom lip so he'd stop chewing on it. He was unconsciously doing it, so it startled him when I got his attention. He gasped softly.
"Gosh, look at the state of your poor lips," I mumbled while digging for some chapstick in my pocket. I fumbled with the cap and applied a generous amount, especially since it was cold. "Stop biting them, okay?"
He licked his top lip. "Raspberry, hm?" He smiled. "Tastes good. I wonder if this is how it tastes to kiss you." He leaned in a fraction and I snapped my head up at him.
"Huh?" I managed to squeak out, wondering if I heard him correctly. If earlier I said there were rolling embers in the pit of my stomach, well, my stomach became a fire pit that had a drum of gasoline dunked into it, and I was feeling the heat send a heatwave up my body to my neck and face. Why was I reacting this way? We always play-flirted before. But why was this so different? Why did it feel different?
Furthermore, why was I reacting in this manner?!
Suddenly, I became hyper-aware of the surroundings. Like the rain that started to pour so loud I couldn't tell if the sound I heard pounding in my ears was my heart or the rain on the car roof. Or the fact that Robyn was looking at my lips.
He leaned in impossibly closer that I could smell my own raspberry chapstick, trapping the right side of my head with his arm so his hand rested on the passenger window.
Suddenly it felt like deja vu, feeling everything all at once, especially the feeling of familiarity as images popped into my mind. Images of a particular dream I had buried...
"...I'm serious about you, Emerson." His face inched closer to my own, especially in the direction of my lips. But I couldn't move. Not even a finger. I stared at his lips approaching mine in a complete daze and squeezed my eyes shutâ"
I didn't squeeze my eyes shut but widened them. I lightly pushed Robyn back, avoiding his eyes, and fumbled for the car door handle.
Embarrassingly, I yelled, "I HAVE TO PEE," and booked it out the car, hurriedly pressing the house code and slamming the heavy door behind me. I slid down the door and raised my cold hands to my hot face as I looked at my reflection in the vase next to the entrance. I had never looked so red in my life. What's wrong with me?
"Emerson?" A female voice called out to me. And I looked up and met Robyn's aunt's tired eyes.
Awesome. Cool. Great timing.
I quickly picked myself up and patted my legs like nothing happened, combing my hand through my now wet hair. "Hi, Elsa," I rasped out.
"You gâ " she began as I said "âsorry, gotta use the bathroom." And I booked it, hearing the faint beeping of the door behind me, and I was certain it was Robyn entering the house probably super confused.
I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and cupped my mouth with my palm in utter shock.
What just happened?
Was Robyn trying to kiss me?
...and did I want to kiss Robyn?
~~~
omg I'm not dead! "It's been a motherf**king year" -RM
Things are starting to heat up. Talk about slow burn. The microwave is not even plugged, it's someone blowing hot air.
Anyways how y'all been? Pls vote and comment, but I prefer comment bc I miss talking to y'all and let's catch up. It's been a while. Thanks for reading (;
And Happy Holidays!! Consider this my Christmas gift to u or whateva
(why is it going to be 2023 so soon wtf)