Chapter 40: The Agony: Part 3

“Why?” I can sense he’s distancing emotionally to stop me from feeling his pain, cutting off to save me, and I can tell it’s because this causes him a massive amount of it.

He isn’t pushing me away because he’s ashamed. This is something that rips him up inside, and he’s aware he can’t control the intensity.

Regardless, I still get a massive wave of grief, not too dissimilar to how I felt when my parents never returned.

“Her mind’s broken. My mom never came home as the person she left. She isn’t who she was, and my father said it’s because she wasn’t strong enough to endure the horrors of the war.

“That it was too much, and she faded away. She doesn’t talk, move, or do anything anymore. He said she stares into nothingness, and it’s like her body lives on, but her soul’s gone.”

He chokes on the words, his eyes glazing over, and it slices my stomach in response.

It winds me, my insides clenching up with the gravity of what he said, and I stay sitting in mute silence, staring at him, trying to get my head around that, figuring out what I should say to that.

Mental illness in wolves is rare, considering we can magically heal everything inside of us when we turn, even our brains.

“He sent her away… my mom, his mate. Cast her aside because her condition could hurt the pack. Showed how weak she was and unworthy as a luna, and caused them to doubt his command.

“He won’t tell me where she is because he knows I would go to her, and he doesn’t want me to. He says it would scare me. That it would crush me.”

Colton stares at the can in his hand, exhaling heavily as he deflates and seems so lost and young right now—a little boy pining for the mother he can never see.

It’s clicking into place, even if Colton doesn’t see it himself.

He doesn’t realize there is a link between him rejecting me for not being what the pack needs and the fact his mom fell at the same hurdle.

Maybe it’s messy and all jumbled up in his head, and he doesn’t see it, but I do.

It’s not just his father’s command holding him back. It’s a deep-rooted fear that maybe I wouldn’t be able to handle things either.

I’ve never heard of wolves breaking down this way, and I can’t even imagine what she must have seen to end up a shell of a person who abandoned all she loved—locked in her mind, silently and eternally adrift.

The luna is meant to be the gentle touch of her people. Her focus is on the young and vulnerable, while her alpha mate is the strength and protection of the many.

Our luna is not here, and her weakest has suffered under his command for ten years. Her absence is the sole reason my kind was pushed aside and forgotten.

She would never have allowed the orphans to be cast out; it’s the job of a luna to protect the young, the innocent, the unloved, maternally. It all makes so much more sense now.

Juan focuses on keeping the pack powerful and promoting unity among the strongest.

He wasn’t interested in the weak and condemned them to the dark side so he didn’t have to take on his mate’s role and care for them.

He even sent his own away because she failed to fit his expectation. That’s how power-hungry he is.

No wonder Juan has become so much colder and crueler. His softer voice of reason, which could sway with her bond to him, has been gone for years and offers no conflict to the decisions he makes.

Only a mate can honestly argue, sway, dispute openly, or try to reason with an alpha without real backlash or punishment.

He rules with aggression now and logic and has no tender care for anyone who isn’t worthy. Her warm eye on her people is missing, and her heart in their well-being. It’s why they pushed so many of us out.

“He didn’t even let me say goodbye. He said it was for the best. Just had her moved and didn’t tell me until she was gone. I feel like he’s ashamed of her for being weak.” Colton’s voice croaks a little.

His emotions push through despite trying to shield them, and it pains me to feel that kind of broken anguish.

He was her only child, and from what I can feel, they loved each other deeply, as a mother and son should.

It’s an almost unbearable pain as it swarms me, but I can relate. I knew this pain and have grieved with the same intensity. It’s the mourning of a parent’s death, even if he hasn’t lost her to the underworld.

“And that’s why he hates me because he thinks I’m the same,” I point out, watching for the reaction on his face.

His eyes still glow amber as he stares at the floor over his crossed legs, unable to look me in the eye when caught in despair.

I think Colton is ashamed of being so broken by this, another pointer of Juan’s parenting skills.

Colton has been lacking a mother’s touch for half his life, the most critical years while he was forming.

She was the one who should’ve nurtured and softened him after he was forced into battles as a child, to teach him not to follow his father blindly the way he does, to instill the strength to be his alpha.

That was Luna’s job as his mother. He’s been at his father’s mercy for years, and he bore down on him and conditioned his outlook without restraint.

It’s a wonder Colton’s as caring as he is and not more like Juan, who taught him the cruelest of lessons about loyalty and compassion to your mate and the unimportance of love.

He discarded her as weak and put her somewhere to rot because her inability to handle what they threw at her shamed him. He chose the good of the pack over the mate he was destined to care for.

No wonder Colton is screwed up. His role model and moral guide taught him that love is secondary to duty and his heart has no value in what his decisions should be.

It taught him that to love is not enough, imprinting is not an excuse, and the pack must always be the priority, even if it goes against his own needs.

“He just wants to protect me from the heartache he’s endured. A mate in bond who still plagues his mind, but it’s like she’s dead.

“I don’t think he goes to wherever she is anymore, as he hasn’t left this place in over five years.” He shrugs with one shoulder, glancing to the side as a tear rolls down his cheek.

I can tell he feels awkward at showing that kind of softness, probably hearing his father in his head, sneering and scolding him for it.

Wolves are macho, and, as men, they try not to cry much. Juan probably chastises him for any kind of compassion, empathy, or show of care in this way.

Impulsively I slide from my chair and mirror his pose on the floor in front of him so our knees touch, and we sit face-to-face.

My hand slides to cover his thigh, and I lean in, my heart exploding with the need to console him.

My mind is racing with many thoughts, reasons, and explanations.

I’m seeing not a strong dominant alpha before me but a scared young boy who wants to let go of the choices that are too hard for him to make on his own.

In so many ways, he’s still that eight-year-old kid who went from joyous ceremonial turning to a battle-scarred warrior in the space of a year.

“I’m not her. This isn’t about us,” I point out, knowing that he has those doubts somewhere deep inside.

He saw my gifts coming through. He’s starting to know me, and I hope he can see that, as vulnerable as I may appear, there’s strength in me.

The vampire attack hurt me, left my heart weeping for those I’ve lost, left me with horrible dreams and a fear of the dark shadows, but it didn’t crush me.

And neither did the loss of all I held dear when I was only eight years old.

He needs to know that this situation might have a completely different outcome from his mom’s. What happened to her is so rare I never knew it could before he told me.

“It doesn’t matter what I think or if I believe you’re stronger than her or not. He thinks the bond blinds me, and he doesn’t trust my judgment.

“How can I know if he’s right or wrong when I’m so inanely in need of you that it pushes logic out no matter how I reason?

“He’s right in that our people need a future leader with a strong luna by his side, but he can’t accept that you’re her. And I don’t think my head’s clear enough to know without my heart always changing it.”

I get the full whack of his confusion and despair as he lets go of the floodgates he’s been holding back, and I’m swamped instantly with the chaos that’s been living inside of him since that night.

It’s overwhelming, and I am drowned with the urge to sob, tear my heart out, wail, kick someone, and scream all at the same time.

I have to cling on like I’m on a rickety raft on a turbulent sea as his emotions devour me and almost snap me mentally with the force of such chaos.

I breathe through the surge until it settles inside me and soothes me enough to reel my thoughts into calmer waves—rationale pulling my brain to him.

“Tell me honestly,” I say. “Deep down in your gut, your instincts, without questioning it, just answer impulsively: do you think I’m capable of being that luna?”

I need to know his true feelings without his foggy mess coloring them—need to understand what our future holds.

If he believes, deep in his heart, that I’ll be wrong for his people, I know no amount of time together, kissing, or even sex will sway him from doing what’s right.

His father’s voice is in his head, and his mom is a shining example of the result if he chooses wrongly.

His people matter more than I ever gave him credit for, and his head is full of the vampire wars that will start all over again. If he believes in us, I can’t let him stray down this path without fighting.

He’s afraid of having me, only to lose me to a broken mind—or maybe even death, which will end us both—when our worlds turn upside down.

His father’s filling his head with all of this doubt, and it’s all so apparent now why he’s struggling with what he should do.

There’s a part of him who’s strong enough to defy his father if he chooses to. I was wrong about that. I see that now. He swayed him over the villagers and them coming here under force.

Colton’s insecurity over whether he can put his feelings aside and make the right choice, not just for his people but for us, is screwing him up.

He’s terrified of what might happen to me if he puts me in a place that his mom was, carrying the burden of many, riding into battle ahead of the hordes, and expecting me to hold myself and them together, as a luna should.

He’s overthinking all the possibilities, with many others whispering in his ear—the wiser, older, and influential men in our midst.

This is way more complex, and it all feels so hopeless. It’s not just about a wolf deciding on a mate… it’s so much more hanging in the balance.

He’s our future, where all eyes look to lead us when Juan no longer does.

“I’m not going to lie… I don’t know.” He flinches as the words spill out, screwing up his face and hunching down in disappointment at his inability even to answer that without confusion.

I can’t be mad at that because I’ve no idea what’s coming with this war or what his mom went through ten years ago, but he does.

He fought on our lands as a warrior, defended us from smaller invasions, as an adult should, even though he was only a child. He’s seen the reality of what’s coming and still bears the scars.

I think I have the strength and courage to deal with it, but maybe I’m just a child with a stubborn head and a foolish heart who thinks the Fates would never steer her wrong.

Perhaps I’m the delusional one, grasping at hopes and being ridiculous.

I have no words, and my hand slides back into my lap with the weight of realization punching me in the gut, screwing me up emotionally, mentally, and physically.

“Now, do you understand? Love, it’s not the issue. I’m yours, heart and soul, every beat just for you.” Colton reaches for my hand, enveloping it in his.

But it fails to warm the icy cold seeping through me with his touch.

Sad desperation is in the air as I nod hopelessly, accepting the absolute truth as it stretches endlessly between us, like a gulf we can never cross.

My head is filled with so much, yet my heart is empty and desolate as numbness overtakes me to save me from the pain it can’t deal with.

There isn’t an answer to this, a way out, a ray of hope in the darkness. The Fates should never have let any of this happen to either of us. I love him, but I’m not enough.