Chapter 18: Chapter 18

of my life. Every time light met my eyes a sharp pain slashed through my brain. Holding my temple, I stumbled out of the bedroom. Nino was already gone, I guessed for his morning swim because it was already ten.

When I stepped into the kitchen, Serafina was hunched over the table, looking like a zombie. She barely glanced up and gave me a weak smile.

I tried to return the gesture but only managed a grimace. Remo’s mouth pulled into his twisted grin. Nevio and Greta were busy picking at the food cubes on the plates in front of them.

I trudged toward the coffee-maker and poured myself a long black. For once no milk or sugar. Making my way over to the table, I clung to my cup as if it was my lifeline. I’d never felt like this and I definitely would never drink as much again. It had felt good to let loose yesterday, but the morning after …

Nevio let out a happy screech when I sat down and I whimpered at the twinge the sound caused in my brain.

“Shhh,” Serafina murmured, half pleading.

Remo chuckled. “You two look like death warmed over.”

Neither of us reacted.

“I hope you don’t expect me to make breakfast. I can’t cook and I have no intention of learning it.”

I glanced up. “Maybe you should.”

“No, that’s the perk of being Capo,” he said then smiled dangerously. “Serafina mentioned she finally told you about us listening in.”

“Remo,” Serafina hissed, then groaned and touched her head. “I told you not to mention it. I shouldn’t have.”

My cheeks heated and I grimaced. “Don’t talk about it.”

Remo leaned forward. “Next time I’ll give you a signal so you know what’s going on.”

I raised a warning finger. “Don’t you dare. Keep your nose out of my bedroom.”

Remo would have said something else to embarrass me further. Luckily Savio, Nino, and Adamo were drawn into the kitchen by the scent of coffee and they all settled around the table.

Nino regarded me closely “How do you feel?”

“Horrible.”

Nino watched me a moment longer. “Cause and effect.”

“I really love you but that’s making me want to hit you with a spoon.”

Surprise flashed in Nino’s eyes.

“Keep your kinky dominatrix shit in your bedroom, all right?” Savio said a bit too loudly.

“Can you tone it down?” Serafina muttered.

Savio grinned. “What? Don’t tell me you’ve got a headache?” This time he spoke even louder.

“Don’t we get any breakfast?” Adamo asked after a moment.

“Our resident cook is nursing a hangover,” Remo said.

“I’ll make omelet,” Nino said and got up. I sent him a grateful smile. Remo was trying to feed Greta pureed carrots while Nevio fed himself. He hated it when someone tried to feed him with a spoon, so eventually we’d just given up and put a selection of cubed veggies, meat and fruit down in front of him so he could choose what to eat.

Sipping at my coffee, I watched Remo with Nevio and Greta, how patient he was even when Nevio acted like a little monster. Remo noticed my gaze and raised his eyebrows, and I just smiled. He didn’t like it when people saw his softer side.

A few minutes later Nino came over with a huge pan filled with scrambled eggs.

“I thought we’d get omelet,” said Savio.

“If you’re not satisfied with the provided food, you’re free to cook for yourself,” Nino drawled.

Savio held out his plate. “I see we’re all in a bad mood this morning.”

I stifled a laugh, then winced. Despite my protest, Nino put some eggs on my plate as well. “You need to eat.”

I sighed, then picked up the spoon and pushed a bite into my mouth. Everything tasted stale this morning.

After returning the empty pan to the stove, Nino set down Tylenol and a big glass of apple juice in front of me. “This might help.”

He sank down beside me.

Nino squeezed my thigh gently and I forced the pain killers and a large gulp of juice down my throat.

“When did you come home last night?” Nino asked Adamo.

Dark shadows spread under his eyes and he smelled faintly of smoke and beer. “Around four.”

“Tomorrow’s school. I don’t want you out all night again.”

“It’s almost the end of the school year. Holidays will start soon. It’s not like anything exciting is happening,” Adamo mumbled, clinging to his coffee cup. “Savio’s partying all the time.”

“Savio’s not in school, and never gets shit-faced,” Remo said sharply. Greta peered up at him, her mouth smeared with puree, ignoring the spoon Seraina now held out to her.

“Savio’s also of age,” Savio said, rolling his eyes. “Man, you look like shit, even worse than our two beauties over there.”

“I just had some fun,” Adamo said defensively.

Nino frowned. “You can have fun, but you need to know your limits and not constantly cross them.”

Serafina and I exchanged a look. We hadn’t set the best example last night but it was only the second time we’d gotten drunk.

“All right,” Adamo grumbled, raising my suspicions. Usually he was more confrontational with these matters.

Remo narrowed his eyes. Greta leaned forward and made grabby hands for one of Nevio’s avocado pieces. Nevio picked it up and held it up so Greta could grab it. The piece was smashed between their hands but Greta brought the green mash to her face and stuffed her fingers into her mouth.

“I can’t stand the cuteness,” I whispered.

Savio’s lips curled. “I guess table manners don’t matter anymore.”

Serafina rolled her eyes then kissed Greta’s head. “You’d rather eat what Nevio has?”

Greta didn’t reply and when Remo held out a piece of steamed carrot to her, she took it and shoved it into her mouth, then grinned. By the end of breakfast, both Nevio and Greta had food all over their faces and hair, but looked sated and happy.

After that Nino and Remo left for a meeting with Stefano who was in town while Serafina and I tried to clean the mess the kids had caused while they played on their blanket on the floor.

I leaned against the counter and watched the two, how they interacted, peacefully sharing their toys, how Nevio quieted when it was only him and Greta.

The constant longing became more prominent and I squashed it. Some things took time.

I was on my way to take a swim. I’d come to love getting in a workout in the pool early in the morning like Nino and it helped me relax. Spotting Adamo leaning against the wall all by himself, I went over to him.

Adamo’s eyes were almost feverish as I settled beside him. I guessed he’d only just returned from wherever he’d spent the night. He’d been even more withdrawn since the wedding. Maybe seeing Samuel had done something to him after all. He took another drag from his cigarette before he glanced at me. It took his gaze several seconds to fully focus on me; he had taken something. The look in his eyes could only be from drugs and I didn’t think it was only weed. “Adamo?”

“Yeah?” he croaked.

“What’s wrong? You can tell me, you know you can trust me.”

He nodded toward the burn scars on his forearm. It was the first I’d seen him with short sleeves in a while and my stomach tightened when I saw the many small cigarette burns that hadn’t been there before.

“I can’t forget it. I dream about it every single night. About the helplessness, the agony, and worst the unrestrained hatred in their eyes. They wanted to destroy me in the most brutal way possible only because I was a Falcone.”

My throat became dry. This was probably the first time he admitted it aloud. “Because they knew it would break Remo.”

Adamo nodded. “Sometimes I catch myself staring into Fina’s eyes just to summon the memories of that day. They are like Samuel’s and close enough to Dante’s.”

Oh God. What was I supposed to say to that? Adamo avoided Serafina but for this reason I hadn’t expected. “Why do you try to remember?”

“Because I can’t forget! It gives me a sense of control when I choose the moment the memories arise.”

“I understand,” I whispered.

He tossed away the cigarette. “I thought I was different. I tried to tell myself that I was, but I’m not.”

“What do you mean?”

“I want revenge. I want to make them bleed, even if I know it’s not going to change a thing, only lead to more violence, to more misery.” He ran a shaking hand through his hair.

“What did you take?”

“What?”

“You are high,” I said quietly.

I could see his defenses coming up. Adamo had learned to keep secrets, and I worried how many he hid behind his mask.

Adamo stood. “Nobody in the Camorra would sell me drugs, Kiara. How could I be high?”

“I saw you buy something from those guys at the club.”

He shook his head. “That was a one-time thing. When they found out who I was, they refused to sell me anything.”

That was likely the truth, but he was lying now anyway. He had taken something.

“Adamo, your brothers love you.” I rose and touched his arm. “Don’t let what happened break you. Don’t let it change you. You are the kindest man I know.”

“I’m not kind!” He grasped my upper arms in a tight grip, his eyes flashing with despair even as they went out of focus. If he didn’t get drugs from the Camorra, the only other options were the Bratva, the Cartel or a local MC, and that was utter insanity. Las Vegas was firmly in Camorra hands.

It meant he had to get his supplies when he was allowed to race in other states.

“I’m not kind,” he repeated, his fingers tightening further.

“You’re hurting me.”

Adamo’s gaze darted to his hands and he jerked away from me, shaking his head over and over again. “I’m sorry. I’m messing everything up.” He backed away slowly, a look of plain guilt on his face and then he turned, ran away and disappeared around the corner of the house.

I’d sworn to Adamo that our conversations would stay confidential. It was why he’d opened up to me at all. Could I keep this from his brothers and everyone else? Should I?

I closed my eyes. I’d wait a few days before I made a decision.

on my way to my swim but froze in the threshold to the communal space, surprised to find Nino in the gaming room with the twins. I thought he was already swimming his laps. Maybe Serafina had asked him to watch the twins while she got ready. I paused in the doorway. He sat on the sofa with Nevio beside him. Greta stumbled closer, her dark eyes fixing on the book in Nino’s lap. She held on to his knee, still not as steady on her legs as her twin. Nevio had already lost interest in the pages and was palming Nino’s tattoos again, babbling in obvious delight.

Nino watched Greta closely. She tried to catch a glimpse at the book but was too small until Nino lifted the book in her direction which in turn made Nevio unhappy, resulting in a warning cry that could very well lead to a full-blown screaming session.

“If I pick you up, you and Nevio can both see the book,” Nino explained calmly. Greta peered at him with those huge eyes, melting my heart with her adorableness.

Nino lowered his arms, moving slowly to give her time before he slid one hand under her nappy-clad bum while the other steadied her back. He lifted her off the floor, eyes focused on her face as if he worried she’d start bawling any moment. For a long time Remo had been the only one she accepted. Now that Savio had been allowed to hold her, it seemed that she’d grown to trust the men in this family. She remained quiet and her expression made it clear that she wasn’t too enthused about the situation yet. Nino cradled her in his arm and pointed at the book. Of course, Nevio immediately climbed on top of him as well, and as I watched eventually both Greta and Nevio settled on Nino’s lap while he quietly explained the images to them. My heart felt so full, I wasn’t sure how it didn’t burst, and soon traitorous tears gathered in my eyes.

Serafina appeared beside me and hugged me. “You’ll have this soon too. You and Nino deserve to be parents.”

I nodded and didn’t dare to say anything from fear of bawling. Maybe it was time to stop pretending everything would be fine and make a doctor’s appointment. For some reason I was scared of finding out what was wrong, if something was wrong. The idea that it had something to do with my past terrified me.

, ready for bed where Nino was already waiting for me.

“Kiara.”

Nino’s voice was off and made me turn around to him. He sat up slowly in bed, his eyes flickering with something fierce and harsh, something terrifying. I followed his keen eyes to my upper arms and felt the color drain from my face.

Adamo must have gripped me even harder than I thought, considering the bluish fingerprints blooming on my skin.

Nino got out of bed, his body tense and predatory as he stalked toward me. He traced my bruises with his fingertips, making me wonder how his touch could be this gentle when there was murder in his eyes. “Who did this?”

“Nino,” I began, unsure what to tell him, how to tell him anything without breaking Adamo’s trust, and wondering if maybe there was no other way to save the youngest Falcone brother.

“Who hurt you?” Nino rasped, and the fury in his eyes, albeit not directed at me, sent a stab of fear through me.

“It’s nothing.” I smiled, even as my face felt stiff with the forced emotion. I reached for my bathrobe, desperate to cover up the bruises and banish the brutality from Nino’s expression but he wouldn’t have it. He curled his fingers around my hand, stopping me.

“Who hurt you?”

His eyes beckoned me to reveal the truth, but to what outcome?

“He didn’t mean to hurt me. It was an accident …”

I swallowed because Nino’s mouth pulled into a scary smile. “An accident?” He cupped my face, kissing my mouth sweetly, lovingly. “Who did it? Don’t you trust me?”

I trusted Nino with my life, knowing I was safe with him, but with the same certainty I knew no one else was. “He didn’t mean it. He’s hurting.”

“Adamo,” Nino breathed, closing his eyes, and the gentleness slipped off his face. He released my cheeks and stormed out of the room.

“Nino!” I stumbled after him but he was running too fast. “Nino, don’t!”

Adamo wasn’t in his room, which was even messier than in the past. Without stopping, Nino whirled around and stormed downstairs. I managed to catch up to him when he halted for a moment in the doorway to the gaming room. Savio was on the couch, and so was Adamo for once, a fight running on the big screen.

Remo looked over from where he was pummeling the boxing sack. “What the fuck—’

He didn’t get further. Nino advanced toward Adamo who was stretched out on the sofa, gripped him by the throat and thrust him to the floor.

“Nino, don’t! Please!” I rushed toward him, trying to stop him. Nino was kneeling over Adamo, fingers digging into his throat, a look of stark brutality on his face. The muscles in his naked back flexed, making the phoenix and the flames come alive.

“You hurt Kiara?” Nino grated at Adamo.

Remo saw my bruises. He asked harshly, “Nino?”

Adamo’s head turned red under Nino’s choking hold. He made no move to defend himself, only stared up at his brother with eyes full of misery, looking almost desperate for Nino to end what he’d begun. Maybe Remo saw it, too, because for an instant his expression flickered with a look he only ever showed when their mother was mentioned.

Then he grabbed Nino’s shoulder and pulled. “Nino, stop the shit.”

Nino didn’t unfasten his hold until Savio grabbed his second arm and both he and Remo tore at him. Nino released Adamo and let Remo drag him to his feet while Savio checked his younger brother.

“You okay?”

Adamo didn’t react. He stayed on the floor, massaging his throat. His eyes came to rest on me, taking in my upper arms, and once more his expression twisted with guilt.

“I’m sorry, Kiara.”

“I know,” I said softly. I made my way over to Nino whose shoulder Remo was still gripping hard, and touched his chest. After several moments, Nino tore his gaze away from Adamo and faced me, and as always the anger disappeared in favor of something gentle. “I’m okay, all right? Adamo didn’t mean to hurt me.”

“What happened?” Remo asked his brother and me.

Adamo sat up slowly and keeping a close eye on Nino, he dared to stand. “It was an accident.”

Nino took a step in his direction. “That’s an excuse someone who hasn’t fought most of his life could use, someone who wasn’t familiar with violence and pain. But you, like me, don’t cause pain by accident, Adamo.”

“Not everyone is as good at giving pain as you, at controlling how you dish it out,” Adamo muttered.

“I want to know what happened,” Remo snapped, forcing me to meet his harsh gaze.

Nino moved between us, pushing Remo away.

“That’s enough,” I said, side stepping Nino to face Remo. “Nino, you know Remo won’t hurt me.”

Remo smiled without humor. “Why did Adamo leave bruises on your arm?”

Adamo regarded me with trepidation, fearing what I’d reveal. What would be the consequences? Remo had made it clear that he wouldn’t tolerate Adamo taking drugs, but Adamo did, and not just that, he was getting them from our enemies—it couldn’t be any other way.

“That look you’re sharing, I don’t like it one fucking bit,” Remo growled, touching my arm to bring my attention back to him.

“It was an accident.”

Nino made a small sound in the back of his throat, looking at me as if I was betraying him.

“Bullshit,” Remo said. “One of you is going to spill the fucking beans or I’ll seriously lose my shit.”

Steps rang out and Serafina appeared with the twins on her arm. She frowned at the scene in front of her.

“You better leave. We have something to discuss,” Nino said and Remo nodded.

Serafina’s eyes darted from me to Adamo who gave her a small smile, and all I could think about was that he looked at her to remind himself of the torture he’d suffered. She turned with a last questioning look at Remo and left.

“The fucking truth, now,” Remo said to me.

“I told you everything.”

Remo’s mouth thinned and he exchanged a look with Nino who stood completely still.

“Kiara,” Remo said in warning. “I’m still Capo, and I want the truth from you.”

“I won’t say more than I did. If you want to get more information out of me, you’ll have to use your fancy torturing skills.”

“Yeah, right, with those fucking doe-eyes of yours looking at me like a broken puppy. You know as well as I do that Nino and I can’t hurt a single of your unruly hairs.”

I knew Nino couldn’t hurt me, and I’d always suspected that Remo would at least hesitate before hurting me, but hearing him admit he was incapable of inflicting me pain filled me with warmth. To think that I’d been terrified of becoming a Falcone, of my marriage to Nino, when it had given me a man who loved me, and brothers that meant more to me than my blood relatives. And right now, those brothers were on the verge of attacking each other. Savio looked taken aback by everything.

Remo walked up to Adamo. “Then you’ll have to open your fucking mouth instead.”

“I told you. It was an accident. If you don’t believe me, why don’t you finish what Danilo began and burn off the rest of my tattoo?” Adamo shoved his forearm toward Remo. The upper part of the tattoo with the knife handle and part of the eye was gone, replaced by gnarly burn scars. It gave the rest of the eye that remained a sad droopy look.

Remo stiffened. “You made an oath to me. You owe me the truth.”

“Remo saved you twice, Adamo, maybe you should be grateful,” Nino said coldly.

It hurt to see the brothers like this, to see them hurting. I wasn’t sure if the truth would help them. I couldn’t imagine how it could. Adamo’s drug use would put Remo in an impossible position, especially if my suspicions were true.

“Maybe he shouldn’t have saved me,” Adamo said angrily, then shoved past Savio, grabbed car keys from the side board and rushed outside.

“What the fuck?” Savio exclaimed.

Remo and Nino both looked at me and my stomach sank.

“Does it have something to do with the cigarette burns?” Nino asked me.

Remo and Savio stared at him.

“What burns?” Remo snarled.

Savio sank down on the armrest of the sofa.

Nino touched my arms. “Kiara.”

I closed my eyes. “He’s not over what happened with the Outfit. He’s dreaming about it and looking for an outlet.” I didn’t mention Serafina’s eyes, not wanting to make her feel guilty.

“He’s back to drugs,” Remo said in a low voice. Of course, he’d figure it out.

I looked at him and nodded. Nino shook his head, frustrated.

“I want answers,” Remo said. “What cigarette burns, and where does Adamo get the fucking drugs?”

“I caught Adamo putting out a cigarette on his forearm. He claims he doesn’t feel it because of the scar tissue,” Nino explained.

“Shit,” Savio muttered.

Remo’s face was terrifying, full of fury and cold determination. “Who’s selling him the drugs?” The intensity of his gaze caused me to shudder.

“I don’t know. He told me no one in the Camorra would sell him any.”

Nino and Remo exchanged a look.

“Maybe the Bratva.”

“Do you really think he’d be that stupid to approach our enemies?” Savio asked.

“Drugs make people do stupid things,” Remo growled. “Maybe he knows people at the races who help him.”

“What are you going to do?”

“We’re going to find the people who sell him the drugs and kill them,” Nino said simply.

“And with Adamo?”

“We’ll make sure he stays in his room and goes cold turkey. I won’t have him ruin his life with drugs,” Remo said. “I’d rather lock him up until he’s clean than have him die from the shit.”

“I’ll go looking for him. I know a few places where he likes to hang, but I’ll start with C.J.’s place,” Savio said, getting to his feet and leaving.

Serafina poked her head in again, looking concerned. She carried Greta. “Can I come in?”

Remo nodded, still glaring at the floor.

“Greta’s being fussy. She doesn’t want to sleep. She seems to need closeness tonight.” Serafina scanned Remo’s face. “Why don’t you take her for a bit? Nevio’s just fallen asleep and I’m worried she’ll wake him.”

Remo nodded again slowly, and moved over to his wife. He kissed her then took Greta who immediately clung to him. Serafina whispered something but Remo shook his head. She touched his arm briefly then headed back up.

“Come on,” Nino murmured to me. Before we left, I saw Remo stretch out on the sofa with Greta sprawled out on his chest, beaming at him with her huge eyes. He smiled and stroked her back.

“He’ll be all right,” Nino said quietly as he led me away.

“I know. And you?”

“I will be too. Adamo will be all right. We’ll help him. Once his dealers are dead and he’s clean, we can do something about the memories.”

We settled in our bed, me on my back and Nino leaning over me, his eyes tracing my upper arms. He leaned down and kissed my bruises. “I can’t stand seeing you being hurt.”

“I’m fine, Nino. It hurts me more seeing you and your brothers argue with each other. So please don’t be mad at Adamo.”

“I’m not. Not anymore. My brothers and I will always be there for each other. Nothing will change that. Remo won’t allow it, nor will I.”