Adam POV
I climb into the shower, a dull expression on my face. The cold water washes over me. My knees buckle as I feel my fingers trace over where his horrible hands touched me. They float from my hand, to my wrist, to my side, and up to my lips. The taste is mostly gone after Daniel kissed me in the car...
My mind wanders back to them... things were just starting to get better...
I bang my head angrily against the shower wall. Why does this always happen? It's like the universe only gives me things so they can be taken away, each time hurting more than the last. Am I really just some twisted game for whatever fucked up presence is out there?!
My hot tears mix with the shower water as I feel the need to scream, to hurt, to do something other than stand here in this disgusting pool of despair.
If I hadn't been such a coward all those times- If I had just gotten it over with- then I wouldn't be here, doing what I'm doing, feeling what I'm feeling. It would finally be over, this agonizing circle of torture.
But I was too weak. Too much of a coward.
And now those people out there, they care about me. Now it's too late.
I shut the water off, stepping out. I feel nothing as I dry myself off. Not tired. Not cold. Not lonely. No thoughts travel through my head.
I am empty.
This isn't a rare feeling for me, not until recently. The feeling you have when simply breathing becomes a chore.
I clothe myself and step out of the bathroom, undecided in where I should go.
Jason, Daniel and Noah sit surrounding the couch in various positions. When they notice me, James walks over and guides me to the couch. He sits me in a pile of fluffy blankets and offers me the kind of tea I mentioned liking several weeks ago. I take a sip, staring straight ahead.
There is a quiet movie on, but my eyes remain unfocused. Time blurs together as I am asked a few questions, likely giving minimal responses, if any.
The movie stops playing and I walk to my room. I say something to them, but I don't know..
..I don't know.
I shut the door behind me, collapsing onto my bed. My head is still fuzzy, but now everything is washing over me in waves. Regret. Frustration. Anger. Confusion. Each one overwhelms me until I can't breathe any longer. I'm drowning.
My shaking hand clasps my thigh. I need to.. I need to--
The door creaks open. I instantly go limp, relaxing my muscles and flattening my breathing. I'm good at fake sleeping. It's gotten me out of worse troubles in worse times.
The light flicks off, and the room fills with darkness. I can hear whispers from across the room.
"..check in on him. Okay?"
I recognize the voice as Daniel's. His shadow leaves the doorframe and the door falls closed with a long squeak. Only a sliver of light is left peeking through.
I let out a sigh of relief, before a freezing cold washes over me. My palms are clammy, and beads of sweat drip down my forehead.
I'm scared. So scared.
I don't have a rational reason for this fear, but I can't stop. I try to push through to sleep, but every time I close my eyes, I see everything I don't want to be real.
I need to do it. To feel some kind of release. But they're out there. They could come back. What would they say?
The thought scares me even more than the paralyzing visions of my past. I lay there all night, shaking, too afraid to sleep, but too afraid to get up.
- The Next Morning -
I realize it's finally morning, and I shakily stand. I can feel a dull ache, but I can't quite tell where it's coming from. Any memories from after the "main event" of last night are foggy and chopped up.
This happens sometimes, where I'll just.. phase out. A lot of time has passed since the last occurrence, several months in fact. That one was the longest, taking a few weeks before the clarity returned to my mind. I guess I just got it all out of my system then.
I urfe myself to get out and take a shower, but I don't want to face them. Not like this.
I open my dresser drawer, taking a small, unused blade from my little box. I managed to hold out last night, the only thing keeping me from acting being their periodic checks in my room to make sure I was still sleeping soundly.
I'm sure they only meant the best, but it hurt so bad. Every time I heard the squeaking of that door, all I could think about was the looks on their faces if the caught me.
I toy with the blade, feeling its weight in my hand as my mind wanders.
I wonder what they would feel as they watched the blood run down my legs. Anger? Disgust? Pity?
Even worse, what would they say?
I shake my head, trying not to look at my reflection. I was already running on zero sleep and food, I couldn't handle another mental breakdown on top of that when I still had to go to work today.
I hide the blade in my bedside table(just in case), before forcing myself to reopen the door. There are voices in the kitchen, and I take my time as I trudge down the hallway, my gaze fixed on the floor.
I can feel their eyes on me as I step onto the cold tile.
Noah is turning off the stove, and turns to me, gingerly placing a hand on my head and bending over slightly so that he's at my eye level.
"How're you holding up, dove?"
The question sends my thoughts into a spiral of questions without answers, but I bite my lip and say what I'm supposed to, "I'm fine. What time is it? I d-don't wanna be late for work."
I can see their expressions change, and I wonder what I said wrong. Maybe I should've sounded cheerier?
James walks over. "Are you sure you wanna go? We were going to call in sick for you if you didn't wake up. We thought you might want to take the day for yourself."
The whole day? Just thinking about everything that's happened? I know I couldn't keep it together that long. I would crack before we even had lunch.
"N-No!" I answer too quickly, "I mean.. Jasmine hasn't been feeling well. I promised I'd cover for her if she didn't show. I need to be there."
I wasn't lying. I promised Calvin that as soon as she mentioned her upset stomach. I've missed so much work since I started working there, I needed to make up for it.
They glance at each other with an uneasy look. Noah lets out a sigh.
"If that's what you want. But one of us can come pick you up at any point, okay? You don't need to stay if you don't want to."
I nod, though I knew I could never do that.
I eat breakfast, and they do little things like rub my back or kiss the top of my head. Before I know it, me and James are out of the car and walking down the long corridor to our respective workplaces. He stops me before I enter, taking my hand in both of his and looking me in the eye.
"I'm right next door, okay? If you need anything, someone to talk to, a snack, you want me to call Dan to come take us home, just say the word. Don't be afraid to say anything. I'll listen."
His words dig deep in my brain, even though I know better than to bother him while he's working. I've caused him enough trouble already.
We separate and I head to work, ready to spend the rest of my day trying to avoid my inevitable thoughts.
-*-*-*-*-
To anyone reading this: please check out my other story on my profile, A Kingdom of Crows. It's a gay romance set in a magical kingdom of bird people, and I'm adding new chapters every monday or every other monday(mental health permitting, of course). I'm really proud of it and I'd love to see it get appreciated by some of you guys, too!
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