Chapter 24: Finding Forever: Chapter 23

Once again, Cade found it damned near impossible to let her go. She was so small and vulnerable and, after everything she’d revealed tonight, his protective instincts were in overdrive.

She’d been through so much shit in her life. Too much for one small, fragile woman to endure. The last thing she needed was a bully of a husband piling onto the insecurities she was already dealing with.

And Cade had been a bully. Of that he was certain. He’d said regrettable things, brutalized her with his words, when all she was trying to do was forge a path to happiness. He had to do better.

Be better.

And he would. He’d show her he was better than Abernathy. He kept arguing that he was nothing like her stepfather, then turned around and did nothing but reinforce her fears that he was.

It was time for him to show her, through words and deeds that he was the better man. He held her close for a long time while she slept. He enjoyed the warm, slight weight of her, and was humbled that—despite the things he’d said that evening and his unforgivable behavior—she trusted him enough to sleep so peacefully in his arms.

But he had things to take care of. Things that could not be put off for much longer. And even though it pained him to do so, he eventually had no choice but to carry her into his bedroom and lay her down on his king-sized bed, where she immediately curled up into a tight defensive ball. Guarding herself in her sleep now that he was no longer holding her.

She looked tiny in the middle of that massive bed, and he yearned to join her. But he shook his head impatiently, and dragged a comforter up over her. He indulged himself with one last, lingering look and, after flipping the light switch left the room abruptly, before he could give in to the overwhelming instinct to crawl into that bed with her.

He returned to the living room and put on some coffee; he was going to need at least a pot of it to keep him going tonight. Once he had his first mug poured, he sat down on the sofa with his laptop. Her delicate honey and almond scent tantalized his senses. It clung to his skin and his clothes and once again he was tempted to say fuck it and just snuggle up in bed with her. He was exhausted and he couldn’t think of anything that could possibly bring him more satisfaction than falling asleep with his wife in his arms right now. Well… he could think of something, but they both needed rest a lot more than they needed that.

He smothered a yawn and blinked down at his laptop screen; it was blurry. He swore and reached for his glasses on the coffee table. God knew, seventy percent of his headaches probably resulted from not wearing his glasses enough.

He needed to focus. He had work to do.

The following morning, Cade woke up with a stiff neck thanks to falling asleep in a half-reclined position on the sofa with his head twisted at an awkward angle. It was gloomy outside, gray and rainy.

His phone was buzzing like a persistent obnoxious fly and he sat up groggily not sure where the damned thing was. The device was near enough for the rhythmic vibration to have awoken him, but far enough away not to be able to pinpoint its exact location.

He swore viciously as, still punchy from the lack of any real sleep, he fumbled beneath cushions and the lap blanket he’d dragged over himself while he was sleeping. Nothing.

When the buzzing started again, he uttered another couple of filthy words and half tumbled off the couch to look under the coffee table. He eventually found the damned thing under the sofa but by the time he fished it out the buzzing had stopped again.

He sat back down to glower at the screen.

His father had been trying to reach him.

He yawned and checked his missed calls and yep, pretty much as expected, they were all from his father.

He was about to return the man’s call when the device vibrated in his hand and his father’s name popped up on the screen again.

“Dad,” he greeted, stifling another huge yawn.

“Why the fuck aren’t y’answerin’ y’phone, lad?”

“I was sleeping. I had a late night last night.”

“Aye, I can see why. How long did it take you to do all of this?”

His father had to be referring to the emails Cade had sent him just—he checked the time on the huge wall clock in the kitchen—three hours ago. Fuck, he really needed more sleep.

“Most of the night. But I already had a lot of the information on file.”

“Are y’sure this is a can of worms you want to open? Given everything you’re dealing with already?”

“Yes.” His voice was resolute.

Cade had never been more certain of anything in his life.

“Niall, you know what this is going to do, right?”

“Yes. And I don’t give a fuck. I just need to know that you’re on board with it.”

There was a long pause, and Cade genuinely wasn’t certain what his father’s reply would be.

“What would you do if I wasn’t?” the old man finally asked and Cade shut his eyes wearily.

He took a deep breath before replying, “I’d see to it myself. Even if it takes every last resource I have.”

“This isn’t what we do, Niall. It’s not in line with our company ethos.”

“I know.”

“We don’t wield our power and influence… our very name like a weapon.”

“I know,” Cade repeated. “If you don’t have the stomach for it, Dad, I can—I will—do it independently. And leave the company out of it. I just wanted to give you the opportunity to opt in.”

His father chuckled, the sound rusty but hearty.

“Oh, you have my full blessing and backing, lad. I’m going to enjoy the hell out of this.”

“As soon as I’m back in Cape Town, we can start putting things into motion.”

“I’ll be arriving next week. I’m taking some time off to spend Christmas with Gideon and Beth. We’ll talk then.”

“Okay.”

“How did the Mike Holmes thing go last night?”

The pre-recorded show would only air tonight.

“It went well,” he told his father. “Fern handled it like a pro. And uh… she—we—announced the pregnancy.”

“That’s good,” his father said. “And how’s she coping with all of that?”

“As well as can be expected,” Cade responded, feeling like a damned liar after the way she’d cried in his arms last night.

“You’ll be joining us for Christmas this year, right?” his father asked, his voice uncharacteristically hesitant and Cade frowned at the question.

“I’m not sure.” In truth, Gideon hadn’t invited him. And Cade wasn’t going to just show up unannounced at his brother’s place on a major holiday. Especially since he knew that Gideon and Beth had a tight-knit group of friends with whom they often spent important holidays. Something of a substitute family.

He ignored that pang of hurt at the thought of his brother preferring the company of friends over Cade’s. It’s not like he was Mr. Festive Cheer. He wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with himself either.

“It would be nice to see all of my children on Christmas again,” his father said pointedly.

“Even if I came, I doubt Nox will,” Cade pointed out. After his visit to Gideon’s the month before, Nox had pretty much gone silent again.

Cade hadn’t seen his other two siblings in person since that afternoon at Gideon’s place.

His father was still thickly slathering on the poor, neglected dad routine.

“I’ll see what Fern wants to do,” he interrupted his father’s “I’m not getting any younger” unconvincing feeble old man rant in mid-sentence and could practically feel the man’s satisfied smirk beaming across the connection.

“My daughters-in-law both appreciate me a lot more than my children do, so I’m sure the wee moppet will be eager to spend some time with her new family.”

“Sure, Dad,” Cade muttered, striving hard to keep the sarcasm at bay, but unable to refrain from rolling his eyes at the old man’s out of control ego. “I have to go. I have a few more calls to make.”

“Right. Take care of yourself and… Niall?”

“Aye?”

More hesitation before his father said, voice gruffer than usual, “I’m proud of you. For doing this. I’ve always been proud of you. Of all of you. But you and Kenny, you’re ruled by your heads. By logic. This… it’s far from logical, it’s emotional, but it’s the right decision.”

A long, awkward silence that followed that proclamation with Cade desperately casting about for something to say in response.

In the end it was his father who spoke first, “Well, I’ll leave you to it. I’ll see you in Cape Town. Give Fern my best wishes.”

He severed the connection before Cade could say another word.

He lowered the phone to the arm of the sofa and stared blindly out—through the French patio doors—at the wet, bleak patch of greenery that passed as a garden at this townhouse.

This place didn’t have enough outdoor space. It had never mattered to him before, but after arriving here the day before yesterday, the first thing Fern had done was open those patio doors. There had been no missing the brief flash of disappointment in her eyes at the lack of view. And it had disturbed Cade immensely.

He knew how much she adored the view at his—their—Clifton apartment. He’d often found her just sitting on the sofa dreamily staring out at the blue horizon, with a forgotten cup of tea growing cold in her hands.

And after hearing her story about her friend, Cade’s need to take Fern back to the place she so obviously loved, had grown even more urgent. Most of her life she’d been made to stay in cramped quarters. Dorm rooms with other students, then sharing with a religious sister, and he’d seen her fucking room at Abernathy’s. It had been the size of a postage stamp compared to Cade’s lavish guest room.

This townhouse, while luxurious, simply wasn’t good enough for her.

He lifted his phone to check the time. It was just after eight. A month of sharing his living space with her, had familiarized him with her routine enough to know that she’d usually be awake by now. But last night had been emotionally and physically draining for them both and she might still be asleep.

He got up and made his way to the master bedroom. He’d left the door ajar and a quick peek inside confirmed that the drapes were still drawn. He quietly pushed his way into the room and crept toward the huddled form on the bed.

He stood—hands in pockets, mostly in an attempt to keep them to himself—and watched her sleep. Only her cheek, eye—lush dark eyelashes fanning over the skin below her eye—and light hair were visible. The rest of her was buried beneath the thick comforter.

He was bone weary and was moving to join her, when she sighed and stirred.

Not wanting to be caught staring like some creepy pervert, he was about to retreat when her eye opened unexpectedly. She spotted him instantly, of course, and her gaze sharpened. She turned her head to stare at him fully.

He remained standing there—pinned by that sleepy gaze—not sure how she’d react to his presence.

“Cade?” Her concerned voice was croaky with sleep. “What’s wrong?”

“Everything’s fine,” he reassured. “I was just checking to see if you were awake. I’m about to make breakfast.”

She stretched lazily, the sinuous movement reminding him of a graceful cat, and then yawned.

“What’s the time?”

“Just after eight. How’d you sleep?”

She sat up and his eyes ran over her messy bed head, her tear swollen eyes, and blotchy complexion. She had a sleep crease down the side of her face and some drool on her cheek. And he still found himself captivated by her.

He couldn’t wrap his head around it, maybe it was the pregnancy or something, but sometime between the night they’d met and now, Fern Lambert-Hawthorne had quite simply become the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Like a log,” she said in reply to his question. She smothered a yawn behind her hand and must’ve felt the wetness on her cheek because she not-so-discreetly wiped it away with the back of her hand.

“Any requests for breakfast?” he asked, and she yawned again.

“I’m not fussy,” she said. “I’ll grab a shower and join you when I feel more human.”

“Today?” Fern repeated incredulously as she tried to process the information Cade had just given her as they finished the last of their scrambled eggs and toast. “We’re leaving today?”

“This afternoon, yes.”

“But we just got here. And didn’t you tell Iris we were leaving next week? Why today? Why leave at all? I believed we were moving here because of your work?”

“I thought you wanted to live in Cape Town,” he said softly.

“Is that why we’re going? Because it’s what I want?” That couldn’t possibly be the reason.

“Well,” he began slowly. “I invited Gideon and Beth to dinner like you asked me to but we never got the chance to host them.”

“We’re going back because you invited Beth and Gideon to dinner?” she repeated, not at all sure she’d heard him correctly. “Against my express wishes, I might add. I told you I’d changed my mind about that.”

“I thought you’d change it back, but then this shit with Abernathy kicked off and I forgot to mention it.”

“So, we’re going back for a dinner date?”

He sighed and the sound was laden with exhaustion and tinged with exasperation but Fern wasn’t about to feel bad about that. She needed clarification on this matter, because it made no sense. He couldn’t be serious.

“Well, that and because…” His brow furrowed as he stared at her in mute frustration.

“Because what, Cade?”

“Your doctor’s there.” His voice softened and Fern’s jaw dropped as she searched his eyes for the truth.

“My doctor’s there?” She knew she was starting to sound like a parrot but she was completely lost. This was the most confusing conversation she’d ever had.

“You like her, right? Dr. Khan?”

“Yes,” she admitted softly.

“And you like the flat? The view and location?”

“I mean, I could do without all those stairs,” she said absently, not really thinking about her reply as she tried to make sense of this exchange. “And easier access to the beach would be great, because right now it feels completely out of reach. But I do like seeing the ocean every day.”

“The company has a branch in Cape Town. If you’re happy there, Fern, we could live there for now. I may have to do a little bit of commuting in the beginning but the bulk of my work can be done from our Cape Town branch.”

“You’re serious about this?”

“Yes, although I’m not too happy about the proximity to Abernathy, and I’m going to be looking into a personal protection agency to help keep you safe. That’s what Trystan, Mike, and I were discussing last night.”

And after the way she’d simply wandered off last night, Cade felt the extra security was necessary, just for his own peace of mind. Her security detail would never curtail her movements—if she wanted to leave like that again, she could—but at least she’d be safe.

“I think, if it’s what you want, Fern… it’s something to consider.”

“But why? You were so adamant about us living here.”

He shifted his shoulders awkwardly.

“My brothers and Kenny are there as well, and if we’re going to pretend to be a happy newlywed couple, with a baby on the way, it makes sense to do so in a place where one of us has family already. Nesting couples usually require support networks, don’t they? It’ll sell our lie more convincingly.”

Fern searched his features in bafflement. He couldn’t seem to meet her eyes and that confused her even further. Yes, she’d told him that she’d prefer to live in Cape Town, but she’d meant living apart from him.

Referring to them as a—albeit pretend—happily newlywed, nesting couple was the exact opposite of what she’d meant. And he knew that, she knew he did, why else was he being so cagey right now?

“I said I’d be happy to live there alone,” she reminded, just to gauge his reaction. “I’ve created enough upheaval in your life.”

And his rant about her pregnancy last night had reinforced that fact.

“It’s not upheaval, it’s restructuring. And we’re figuring it out. Besides we agreed to lay that matter to rest for now, remember? No separating, at least not in the first year.”

“I don’t recall agreeing to anything,” she denied. “And after last night? Cade, this isn’t working. If you’re having such a hard time with my pregnancy, maybe it would be better for us to separate sooner rather than later.”

His jaw tightened, and he glowered at her through slitted eyes.

“No, we’re not separating, Fern. Not yet. I was in a bad space last night. It won’t happen again.”

“You finally revealed some of your real feelings, Cade. I call that honesty, and I prefer it to the way you’re constantly on guard around me. Watching your words, afraid to smile…”

“I’m not much of a smiler,” he muttered and she waved an impatient hand at the almost surly response.

“Regardless,” she snapped. “You’re never relaxed, always uncomfortable. I hate that I’ve created such tension in your space. I feel like an intruder, tiptoeing around you, while you’re always on your best behavior and scrupulously polite.”

“Would you rather I was rude?” His voice was equally baffled and frustrated.

“Yes, it’s better than trying to guess what you’re feeling. You’re so determinedly neutral and emotionless at all times, it’s hard to live with someone like that.”

“Neutral is my natural state. We can’t all be messy, chaotic bundles of emotion, Fern. If that’s what you’re expecting from me then you’re shit out of luck. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve or my fucking mood on my face.”

Fern lifted a hand to her mouth to hide her smile. Cade wasn’t as emotionless as he liked to think he was. He was currently outraged, confused, and more than a little offended and it was all there for her to see. Clearly telegraphed on his face and in his eyes.

There was so much more to Cade. Buried beneath layers of frigid austerity and determined stoicism, was a man more complex than even he realized.

“I’d just like to point out,” she murmured, her voice dripping with syrup. “That you were the messy, chaotic bundle of emotion last night, Cade.”

“I’m not the one who wandered off into the cold English rain.”

“I didn’t wander, I’ll have you know,” she corrected tartly. “I walked. With purpose and determination.”

His eyes flickered with laughter.

“In the rain.”

“It was quite bracing. You should try it sometime.”

“Promise me you’ll never do that again, Fern,” he murmured, serious now and she pressed her lips together to prevent them from quivering. “I don’t think I’d survive if you did that to me again.”

“I was upset, not thinking clearly.”

“I know and it was my fault. For that, I’m truly sorry.” His voice was brimming with sincerity and there was no doubt that he meant it. But there was still so much unresolved after last night, and Fern wasn’t sure she could trust him not to lose his cool like that again. Not where the baby was concerned.

She nodded, the only acknowledgment of his apology that she was ready to give. She was gratified that he’d said the words, but they needed to have a real conversation about the baby.

Very soon.

“Fine, Cade,” she acquiesced, returning to his previous point. At least this was one issue they could resolve right now. “We’ll go home. Together. I’ve got to say, I’m relieved. I may not do well in direct sunlight, but I’m not a huge fan of all this rain and cold.”

His eyes lit with confusion at her easy assent and his broad shoulders gradually relaxed as he sat back in his chair and took a sip from the midnight dark brew in his mug.

It must have been cold because he grimaced and angled a glare down at the offending drink.

Fern fought back another grin. So much for neutral being his natural state. The man was a jumble of emotion this morning.

And Fern loved it.