I miss Jack. I won't lie. Over the last few weeks, there have been countless times where I almost caved and picked up the phone to call him. The only thing that's been able to successfully distract me from doing so is school.
The bell rings, and everyone in my English Comp class starts packing up their things. I'm the last one up from my seat when Professor Withers stops me.
"Miss Moore, can I talk to you?" she asks. "I can give you a late pass for your next period."
"Uh. Sure," I tell her, hiking my backpack up on my shoulder, wondering what this could be about.
"I don't want to keep you, so I'll get right to it. I'm offering you a retake on the exam."
"Wh-What?"
She inhales deeply, looking me over. "Anastasia, I know you may think I'm hard on you but that's only because I see your potential. And I'm not the only person who does." I squint my eyes at her and she looks at me before continuing. "I don't know if you know this, but Mr. Carrington was my student last year in AP English."
"Jack was in AP English?!"
"Mhm. He was my best student, too. It was like the material just came naturally to him."
"He loves to read and write," I explain.
"I know. I could tell. He didn't really try that much, but I never doubted his work ethic, or his intelligence. Just like I don't doubt yours. I know that this C minus isn't a reflection of the kind of student you are. Jack knows that, too, which is why he fought to get you the retake."
"I'm sorry. Jack did what?"
"He makes a very convincing argument. I think that's a testament to how much he cares about you." I dip my head down and shake it in disbelief as I process her words. "I got Dean Hemmings to approve the request so long as I extend the offer to the rest of the class as well. I'll inform everyone tomorrow of when the retake will be."
"Thank you, Professor. I don't know what to say."
"I think you do. I'm just not the right person to say it to," she smiles.
***
I knock twice on the iron front door of Jack's house. I'm so nervous that I can feel my heart beating in my chest.
On the bike ride over here, I contemplated if I was making a mistake, but what I've come to realize over the last few months is that you can't learn anything by being perfect.
So, here I am.
The door opens, but it's not who I was expecting to see standing on the other side of it.
"Anastasia, hi!" Bea greets me.
"Hi, Mrs. Carrington. I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for Jack. Is he here?"
"You just missed him!"
"Ah. Okay. Thanks," I say, going to turn around, but she stops me.
"Would you like to come in? He should be home soon."
"Oh, no. That's okay. I'll just see him at school tomorrow."
"No, please," she says, a kind smile on her face as she holds the door open.
I nod and give her a faint smile back before making my way into Jack's house.
The halls smell delicious; like the house was just cleaned. The entryway is so long, I feel like I've been walking for a few minutes just to get to the living room, which is where Bea leads me to.
"Please, have a seat," she tells me, and I hesitantly walk over to the velvet couch.
Unlike Jack's dad, his mom carries this warm demeanor. There's a tiny bit of intimidation that she holds, but I think it's more in my head than real.
"Can I get you anything to drink?" Bea asks.
"I'm good. Thanks," I smile.
She watches me with a half-smile on her face, and I'm so nervous that I start ironing out the non-existent creases on my jeans.
"I'll be right back," she says, and I just nod.
A few minutes later, Bea enters the room carrying a tray with two tall glasses of iced tea on it. I immediately stand up to help her but she tells me that she's got it, and then places them down on the table before us.
"Thank you," I tell her after she reaches one out to me.
She smiles as she looks at me and then says, "Jack talks about you a lot." Now, normally, someone saying that would make me feel slightly self-conscious, but the way that she delivers her words is compassionate.
"I'm sure not good things as of recent. Can't say he's my biggest fan these days."
"Aw, don't say that, sweetheart."
"How has he been?"
"A little more down than usual. I tried to approach him about it, but he told me he was just stressed from lacrosse, so I let it go...even though my intuition told me not to." She pauses as her expression turns more serious. "I guess I should be a better mother."
"From what Jack tells me, you sound like a great mother."
"Thank you," she smiles softly. "I'm sure that whatever you two are going through right now, you'll work it out."
"Yeah, I hope so. It's my fault, though. I was the one who ended things between us." I exhale. "It's just, I saw myself losing sight of the things that I wanted before I ever met Jack. And I still want those things. But I also want Jack."
"And the two can't coexist?"
"They can...I just don't know how to let them." I gulp, and then pause, realizing that I may have disclosed too much to Jack's mom. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go on a whole rant."
"No, no, don't be. I'm not used to people being open with me, so...it's nice. I guess my best piece of advice to you would be to not doubt yourself or what you're capable of. You just told me that the two can coexist, so allow them to."
"I know. It's just, for most of my life, there weren't two things that were equal in importance happening to me at the same time. When I think about my future now, I feel like Jack means more to me than the other plan I had for myself does."
"And that's okay. Life happens and priorities shift. I think it's just about learning how to navigate the two."
"I didn't think I'd ever have to do that. The plan was always just Dartmouth."
"And that can still be the plan. But instead of one plan, you have two."
"Yeah. You're right. Thanks, Mrs. Carrington."
"You're welcome, Anastasia. And it's Bea," she smiles. Suddenly, we hear the front door open and Jack's mom looks at me. "That should be Jack," she tells me and I let a deep breath out.
"Mom?" I hear him call out.
"In here, honey," she answers, and now I'm really nervous.
Jack stops in place when he sees me in his living room, and I can't say that I blame him for the surprised look on his face.
"Stas," he says. "What are you doing here?"
"Well," Bea says, coming up to a stand, "I think I'll let you two talk." She presses down on my shoulder and gives me a soft smirk. "Anastasia, it was good to see you. Don't be a stranger now."
I smirk back at her and say, "I won't."
She passes Jack and gives him a kiss on the cheek. He smiles at her, but keeps his eyes on me.
"Hey," I say.
"Hey."
"Can we talk?"
"Yeah," he says, pointing his thumb backward. "Wanna sit outside?"
"Sure," I nod.
Jack lets me walk in front of him, so I lead us to the sliding door that exits to his backyard. I look around the massive property and then help myself to a seat at the patio table that overlooks the rectangular pool.
"It's good to see you," he says. Like he means it.
"You, too."
I'm so nervous that I start tapping my fingers along the table. Jack surprises me when he reaches over and covers my nervous fingers with his calm hands.
"Withers told me what you did for me," I say. "Thank you."
"It was nothing. I was glad that I could help you. You deserve that retake, Stas. It's my fault that you bombed the first one."
"No, it wasn't. It was mine. I should've been more responsible."
"It's because I make you less responsible."
"Jack..."
"We both know it's true," he hoarsely says before looking down at the floor like it pains him to speak his next words. "I think the best thing you did was end things with me."
"I regret it."
"You shouldn't."
"But I do."
He lets out a sigh and starts shaking his head, and my nerves have picked up again. I thought by coming here, I'd be able to repair the damage that was done between us, but it doesn't seem as though Jack wants to fix what's been broken.
"Stas, you have so much going for you. We both know that I'd just be standing in your way."
"Jack, it was one bad grade. It's not a big deal."
"It's a big deal to me. I know how hard you worked for Dartmouth and someone like me is just going to ruin something like that for you."
"Why don't you see all the good that you bring to my life?"
He looks down at the table and then sighs again. "Stas..."
"I don't understand. I came here to mend things between us, but it doesn't seem you want that." I pause, scared to ask my next question, but knowing that I have to. "Or is it me that you don't want?"
He picks his head back up and looks at me like I've just offended him. "How could you even ask me that? You know that I want you."
"Then have me."
He shuts his eyes as he says, "You may think that you mean that, but you don't."
"If I didn't mean it, I wouldn't say it."
He licks his lips and then shakes his head, and I know that this conversation isn't going to end the way that I want it to. I can't help but think that maybe he's doing us both a favor. That maybe, just maybe, I'm better off only loving him in my mind.
"Stas, please don't make me choose between you and what's best for you."
"What's best for me is you, Jack."
"It's not. I'm telling you it's not."
I let several seconds pass by until I speak up again. "Don't choose, Jack," I tell him.
"What?"
"Don't choose," I repeat.
"Stas..."
"Just know. I mean, is it so wrong of me to want that from you? I want you to take one look at me and just know that I'm the one that you want...no matter what."
"One look. That's it?"
"That's it."
He looks at me and asks, "Why?"
"Because anything more than that would just mean something else."