Two days passed by and the yellow folder Mr. Herberg had given me still lay abandoned on my desk as my eyes focused on the screen in front of me.
Editing the home videos was so frustrating. It didn't help that I had to watch through hours of footages of all those dates Jonah and I had with Daisy.
Most of the time, the videos weren't about Daisy at all. It was about us.
All the kisses, the twenty questions games we often had in that tree house at the park, those early evenings at the diner when I would wait at the empty table for him and saw him smiling at me across the room, those car rides when I secretly recorded him singing along to the song on the radio.
It made me smile and want to cry at the same time.
"Okay, so you can play guitar."
"I can. A little bit."
"Play me a song, then." Me and my phone that was recording moved closer to him as we both sat on the floor of his bedroom. "Where's your guitar?"
"I'm not good at it," he said with a sigh, but he smiled a little. "But okay, I'll go get it. Whatever for you."
I laughed and turned the phone around as he stood up to get his guitar. "Okay, so this is the first time he plays guitar in front of me," I said to the camera. "Does he suck at it or does he not? We're gonna find out soon."
He came back into the room a while later and sat down in front of me with the guitar on his lap. "Okay. What song do you want me to play?"
"Anything is fine. I just wanna hear you play it." He thought for a while and began plucking the guitar strings. "And sing to the song so I know the song you're playing."
"God, Hannah, my voice is horrible."
"So is mine, but that doesn't stop me from singing in the bathroom!"
He rolled his eyes at me and focused back on the strings he was playing. "Alright. I've been learning to play this song because Clara wanted to do a cover of it with my help."
I saw myself nod. "Okay."
He tore his gaze from the strings for a while to look at meâat the camera. "You'll be recording the whole thing, aren't you."
"Yeah. So I can play it every night before I go to sleep."
He chuckled. "Creepy. But don't put this into the home video."
"Sure, yeah, whatever. Play the song already!"
"Okay, okay." He took a deep breath and starting playing a different tune, and then he began to quietly sing, "What will I do without your smart mouth? Drawing me in, and you kicking me out. Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down."
I remembered feeling the exact same kind of warmth spreading over my chest when I heard him sing. His voice wasn't the best, but it was the way he slowly, delicately played the song for me as if it was something breakable, the way his voice sounded hesitant as if he wasn't sure I would like it, that made my heart flutter. He avoided my eyes as he sang, his eyes focused on the guitar strings even though I had a feeling that he already knew how to play it by heart.
"My head's underwater, but I'm breathing fine," he recited quietly, "you're crazy and I'm out of my mind. 'Cause all of me loves all of you."
The video shook a little bitâI remembered how I was slowly swaying to the left and right to the song.
"Give your all to me, I give my all to you. You're my end and my beginning. Even when I lose, I'm winning."
He ended the song with a strum of the strings, and he swallowed before hesitantly looking up. "So, that's it."
At this point, I wasn't even properly filming. My phone was on the floor, the camera aiming at the ceiling, as I threw my arms around Jonah's neck.
"It's beautiful," I faintly heard myself say. "Thank you."
Jonah chuckled. "Thanks. And you're welcome."
I stopped the video and took a deep breath. I was struck with a train of feelings, and I wondered how the fuck was I going to finish this project if this was how I was going to feel every time I saw his face on my laptop screen.
My eyes fell on the yellow folder and I reached out to take it into my lap. I flipped over the cover and I was immediately greeted with my own handwriting.
Soon I realized that this was the first paper assignment Mr. Herberg had given us, the one about questions to get to know each other. The first time we did twenty-questions on each other. I scanned over the words I had written and flipped the page, finding the next page filled with Jonah's handwriting.
My finger lightly brushed over the ink on the paper, and I began reading.
What is best to describe your partner? Use up to three words: smart, daring, stupid
I chuckled softly. Of course he would. The next answer made me pause for a while.
What is best to describe your relationship with him/her?: like poison and wine
What is your partner's one best personality trait?: bravery
What is your favorite thing about the relationship you have with him/her?: our spontaneity
What is one thing you dislike about him/her?: sometimes she's annoying
Do you see yourself falling in love with someone like your partner?: maybe
I read the page a few times, trying to absorb all the words Jonah had written down about me. I was about to turn to the next page when my door suddenly opened, and Leann's head popped into the room.
"Hey, stranger," she said, allowing herself in. I closed the folder and put it down on my desk. "What are you up to?"
I shrugged. "School work. Tons of it." I spun in my chair. "What have you been up to?"
"Getting calls from my agent. Waiting for callback auditions. The usual stuff."
I whistled. "Oooh, I see, Miss Hollywood starlet."
"Not yet," she said with a grin. "But on my way to the stardom! Are you coming with me?"
"I'm beginning to doubt I'll fit that kind of world," I said.
"What do you mean?"
"You know... the kind of world where you have everyone's attention on you..." I puffed out breath through my mouth. "I realized that I don't actually like it. And I'm not even that great of an actress like you are. "
"Well, don't be discouraged," she said, lightly shoving me in the shoulder. "There are still a lot of other things you can do. But me? Acting is the only thing I'm good at." I rolled my eyes good-naturedly.
"Well, I still don't know what I want to do after I graduate," I told her. "I have no ambition whatsoever. I can't see myself doing anything in the future."
"You'll figure it out," she said. "Remember when Tony was in his senior year? He slacked off big time and he always got called into the principal's office because he was on the verge of failing half of his classes, but he eventually got back on his feet and is now actually working, like, as a real adult! Who would've imagined our Tony acting like an adult?"
I laughed. "Well, yeah. I guess that makes sense." I spun in my chair a few times and tapped my nails on my desk. "Speaking of..."
"What?"
"He's been acting weird."
Leann frowned. "Yeah, I noticed it too. He's been quieter than when he first got here."
"Do you know what's wrong with him?"
She shook her head. "I think I need to talk about him, but this is probably justâ"
"Us being paranoid. I know. I feel like that too." I pull my legs up and rested my chin on top of my knees. "I think I'm just afraid of all these possibilities that he might leave me again."
"He won't," she promised.
"How'd you know?"
"He told me. The night he came home with you. He knows his leaving was childish and I think he's beginning to realize how much it had affected you when he left. I don't think he realized how bad things were when he was gone."
I sighed to myself, but Leann smiled to me.
"You've always been his favorite sister, you know," she told me. I shook my head in disagreement. "Nah, it's obvious. You're the little girl we both had to protect, the baby in the family until Cole was born. It must've hit him harder when he realized that he got you involved in that accident."
"If it wasn't me, it could've been you. Or anyone else," I told her. And I'd rather it be me than someone else I love.
"Maybe. Maybe not," she said with a shrug. "Be honest to me. Were you ever mad at him for leaving?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"Did you ever blame him for what happened?" she asked, and I nodded. "Who do you blame now?"
Jonah. Myself. I shrugged at her. "Leann?"
"Yeah?"
"There was another reason why he left, wasn't there? Other than the accident." I looked at her in the eye. "If the accident hadn't happened, he still would've left anyway."
Leann stared back at me, but she said nothing to confirm. "You should ask him yourself. Or ask Mom and Dad."
"Mom and Dad? I've spent four years trying to get an answer." I sighed, got out of the chair and threw myself into the bed right next to her. We both lay there, staring at the blank ceiling of my bedroom without a word.
"Hey," she suddenly said. "It's gonna be fine. He's not gonna leave again."
"Yeah."
"There's nothing you should worry about," she assured me. "Trust me."
I closed my eyes. I hope she was right.
[]
Tonight was the first Thanksgiving night the six of us celebrate as a family since four years ago.
During the dinner, everything went smoothly. It felt just like the usual family thanksgiving dinners we'd had years before. Everyone chatted happily, everyone expressed their gratitude at the table, and the food was amazing. It almost didn't feel like for the last four years, there were only five of us at the table.
Mom and Dad went out to pay our neighbors a visit. Leann and I washed the dishes while Tony and Cole strengthened their brotherly bond while playing with my cat. Tonight he didn't look like anything was wrong, unlike the few days before, so I guess I really was just being paranoid.
But unlike him, I wasn't feeling okay, and apparently, it was obviously shown.
"Hey," Leann nudged me as she dried her hands. "You alright?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"I know what you're thinking about."
"Of course you do."
"He's not going to sneak out to a party in the middle of the night," she said gently. "He's not a stupid teenager anymore."
"I know," I repeated and sighed. "But I just can't help thinking about it."
"You're stressing too much," she said, putting both of her hands on my cheeks and squeezing my face. "Everything. Is. Okay. I will personally be locking the doors so he wouldn't sneak out."
"Yeah, okay." I pried her hands off my cheeks, and leaned against the counter behind me, closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths to calm myself.
"Don't tell me you're going to go into another freak out episode," Leann joked, but I could hear the worried undertone in her voice.
"I'm not," I said quietly. But maybe I was. I had no idea. "I'm going to bed."
"This early? Come on, Hannah, even Cole's still awake."
"I'm not feeling it tonight." I gave her an apologetic smile. "Sorry."
I walked out of the kitchen to go to my room, but Leann stopped me. "Hey."
"Mm?"
"Don't lock your door."
I rolled my eyes at the hidden implication behind her order. Don't try to kill yourself. I wasn't going to. But last year I did lock myself in my bedroom as I rocked back and forth in the corner sobbing for hours long as everything replayed back in my head and my dad had to break down the door to get me.
"I'm serious."
"Yes, Mother." She narrowed her eyes at me. "Yeah, yeah. Good night, Leann."
She sighed. "Night, Hannah."
I quietly slipped into my room without my brothers noticing, and thought twice about locking my door. At last, I decided to follow Leann's request and kept it unlocked, but I closed it anyway.
My phone screen lit up, informing me that I had just received a message. I grabbed it from my desk and jumped onto my bed, checking the text message from Gina.
You doing alright? Need me to come over?
I replied, No, I'll be fine. Just have fun with your family. Then I added, Tell your mom I said hi.
Will do, she replied a while later.
The screen lock still had one of our self-taken pictures, this time Jonah hiding at the crook of my neck while I was in mid-laughter from how his chin was tickling me.
I wondered how he was doing.
I lay on my bed and closed my eyes, trying to recall everything I could remember from that night. But somehow, every time I tried to actually remember, everything always got so blurry. I remembered bits and pieces, but I knew something was missing from my memory. Something that my nightmares had to fill up with a bunch of different scenarios.
I felt the steering wheel in my grip. I heard the rumbling of the car. I saw Tony sleeping in the passenger's seat next to me. I remembered driving, and then I everything vanished and I opened my eyes. One moment I was in driver's seat, and next, I was on a hospital bed.
I turned to my side to look at my phone screen once again. Jonah's eyes stared back at me from the picture, and I shook my head.
I couldn't think about him now.
I shouldn't think about anything at all.
But I couldn't stop thinking.
I grabbed my phone and sent Gina a text message. Would I be disrupting your family night if I called you? The immediate response came not even five minutes later when my phone rang.
"Is something wrong?"
"No." I sighed. "Yes."
She paused for a while, and I heard a low, muffled sound before she asked, "Is this about the accident?"
"Kind of, but not really," I answered honestly. "It has something to do with it. But it's not entirely about it. I don't even know what I'm saying." I made a frustrated noise somewhere in my throat. "But I know that I don't feel fine."
"Maybe Jonah can help you," she told me, and something in the tone of her voice told me she was just trying to bait me into talking about him. "You know he's always good at this stuffâat making you feel better. You told me so yourself."
But it wasn't possible for him to make me feel better if he was one of the reasons why I wasn't feeling okay. "I don't think he can do that this time."
"What do you mean?" she asked. "Of course he can help you."
"No, Gina. You don't understand."
She simply answered, "Then make me understand." I closed my eyes tiredly. "Hannah, don't think that I'm just passing you over to him because I don't want to deal with you. That's not it. I just don't understand why you guys are being like this! You won't even talk to him or talk to me about him. Did he do something to you? Tell me if he did so I can kick his ass if you want me to."
I pressed a finger on the space between my eyes, trying to ease the knots that had started to form. "Gina, I know something else that happened that nightâfour years ago," I said quietly.
"What are youâwait, I thought we were talking about Jonah."
"No. We were talking about why I am not feeling fine."
She sighed. "Okay. Let's talk. Tell me why."
"So, yeah. Apparently I hit a car that nightâor that car hit me, I'm not really sure how exactly it happened." I bit my lip and paused for a while as I felt my breath getting shakier. "But I do know who drove the other car."
Gina sensed the noticeable change in the tone of my voice, and for a few seconds, the only sound I could hear was my own breathing. "Who is it?"
I couldn't answer.
"Hannah," she pressed. "Is it someone that you know? Someone that I know?"
I nodded even though she wouldn't be able to see me. "Yes."
"Yes to both?"
"Yes to both," I echoed.
"I have a few wild guesses," she said. "But I'm not so sure if I want those guesses to be correct."
"Well I'll just cut this short and tell you who it is." I let out a forced laugh. "It's Jonah."
She didn't reply for a while. "Of course it's him. I was just about to connect the dots." She seemed to pause again to take a deep breath. "It makes sense. You guys haven't been talking since Tony came home. You didn't even tell Jonah you were leaving."
"Yeah."
"You left because you just found out, didn't you? It had nothing to do with OBA."
"Mm-hm." I blinked my tears away. "I've been very, very, very confused."
"Well, you have a right to feel that way," Gina said softly. "Have you talked to him about it?"
"No. No I haven't. I couldn't," I said. "I kicked him out and left to find Tony by myself. I couldn'tâI couldn't even look at him, Gina. How can I look at him without thinking about the accident? It's impossible."
"I don't know what to say since I'm still trying to process this, but," she said, "to be fair, you shouldn't be too hard on him. You know it was an accident."
"But Gina," I tried to argue, "he hit my car that night. Accident or not, he put me into hospital. I almost died. Tony almost died. He was one of the reasons why my brother left."
"But your brother is here right now. Didn't you tell me that it's all that matters now?"
"But that's not the point!" I said. "The point is that if it hadn't been because of him, I wouldn't have to deal with everything I've had to deal with for the past four years."
"I don't think you're being fair to him," she told me gently. "Yes. He was involved in the accident. But in all fairness, you've done a fair share of things to be blamed, too."
"I do know that, but, Gina, you don't understand," I argued weakly.
"You're right. I don't understand," she said. "And I know you're mad that he was involved in all this. I know it makes you feel confused. I know it hurts to know that he was behind one of the worst things that ever happened to you. But there is no way he could have known, Hannah. If he did, he would never involve himself with you."
"I get that. I've been telling myself that. But it doesn't hurt any less." I wiped a stray tear that escaped. "He was there, that night, driving the other car that collided with the one I drove. And he probably, what did he do after it happened, run away? Fled from the accident he caused?"
"You don't know for sure. You don't know what else happened that night," she stated. "Hannah, I know this is huge for youâhell, this is huge for me to processâbut at least give him a chance. Hear what he has to say."
I let her speak.
"You and Jonahâ" she sighed, "you make him happy. He makes you happy. It should be worth a try to forgive him. I know you can't change what happened, but Hannah, hear me out. Everything is alright now," she said, enunciating each word slowly. "You have a complete recovery from the physical injuries. You have your brother back. These nightmares still follow you and they might still be there for some time, but Jonah, oh god, bless his heart, he's always been the one who can help you out with it.
"You don't want to let this go away. Trust me, you don't. And I completely understand that this is hard for you, to accept what happened, so take your time. But, Hannah, just forgive him. Or at least try to. Don't ice him out."
I realized that wanted to. "I don't know if I can do that, Gina."
"At least try to," she repeated. "You love him, don't you?"
I swallowed. I couldn't lie to her about this. I couldn't even lie to myself. "Yes."
"And you still care a lot about him." I didn't have to answer because she knew what the answer was anyways. "Then it should be a good enough reason for you to try," she said. "You know he loves you too. Think about how he must be feeling right now."
My head started to hurt, but I let Gina's words slowly sink in. A part of me, deep down there, knew that she was right with everything she was saying to me. I was being unfair to him. But to forgive him right away? I was not ready. Not with the painful reminder that was constantly popping into my mind right now. I just wasn't ready yet.
"I'm not ready," I told her out loud, "I'm not ready to jump back in. What if Jonah's hiding some more secrets from me?"
"Hannah," she cut me off almost exasperatedly. "You're being a hypocrite right now."
My eyebrows pulled in together in confusion. "How am I being a hypocrite?"
"Even if Jonah's hiding something else from youâwhich he probably isn'tâhe's not the only one who has a secret."
I hummed questioningly.
"Hello? Operation Bite the Apple? He doesn't actually know about it, I assume."
That shut me up.
"Yeah. I thought so," she said. "And listen, I know OBA is nothing to compare with what he's kept hidden from you, but a secret is a secret. And Hannah, you can't really get that mad at him for keeping a secret from you when you're doing the exact same thing to him."
I Inhaled sharply. "Right." I ran a hand through my hair out of frustration. I jumped out of my bed and walked straight toward my closet and began digging through the clothes until I found Jonah's stained shirt buried somewhere. I traced the faint outlines of the remains of the color I couldn't bleach off.
Everything slowly replayed back in my head. The good days. The birthday date he planned for me. Our first date. Our almost kisses. The first day he agreed to tolerate me. The day he got angry that I bought him dinner. The day we got paired for the project. The day I threw soda on him, all on purpose, all just to get his attention.
It seemed too childish, now that I was thinking about it again. It was stupid, thoughtless, and too much of a desperate move.
But Gina was right. Even though it was stupid, and even though it was painful now to think about him, I knew that I didn't want to let everything go.
"Hey, Hannah?" Gina said after a long silence. "Was it all worth it now?"
I nodded until I realized that she couldn't see me. "Yeah. I guess so."
"So what do you say? Try to forgive himâor at least talk to him first about it?"
"Mm-hm," I hummed. "I should try doing that."
"Don't push yourself," she told me gently. "Take it slow and easy. You don't have to rush it out. I know he understands if you need time."
I remembered the same thing he'd told me just a few days ago, and a sad chuckle escaped my lips. "He understands."
We talked some more until she told me she had go play one of those traditional family game her family always played on Thanksgiving night. As soon as the call ended, I stood up from the floor where I was sitting with Jonah's shirt on my lap, and I grabbed the yellow folder from Mr. Herberg before throwing myself into my chair.
You discovered your significant other's dark past, and it bothers you to the point of considering bailing out on them. Will you actually leave? Explain why.
I read the handwriting right below. I'll never leave him. His past is a part of him, and if I'm supposed to love him then I will love that part of him too. Our love is supposed to be enough to overcome his "dark past". Maybe it will be tough for us to get over it, but we'll try to work it out, if we really do love each other.
I sighed and shook my head. That was my answer. That was what I had said. All I had to do now was actually apply that in real life. But could I really?
Curiously, I opened the next page, wondering if Jonah ever had to answer the exact same question. Answer: he did.
No. People make mistakes in the past, some bigger than the other, and they learn from it. I won't leave her just because she's being human. Especially if I, supposedly, love her.
More tears pricked my eyes as I continued reading through the page. I truly realized how stupid I would be if I did let him go. Despite that one mistake he had done, he was good for me. He was even too good for me, maybe, but I needed good in my life. I needed him.
I just hope that he would be kind enough to give me time to deal with my own shit.
My door abruptly opened and Leann's head popped in. "Someone's asking for you at the front door."
I discreetly wiped my tears and closed the folder. "Who?"
It was only then that I realized that she was holding a smirk. "That Gibbs kid. The boyfriend you forgot to introduce to me."
"What?" My heart started to beat erratically inside my chest. "What did he say?"
"He just asked to see you." Leann opened the door a bit wider. "Oh, and by the way, it's raining. And he was walking by feet. Alone. Have you guys been fighting? Maybe you guys can kiss and make up under the rain. Oh my god, it sounds so cliché and I love it."
"Leann, shut up." I pulled a cardigan from my closet and wore it over my tank top.
"Okay, I'll give you two some time. I'll make sure to keep the boys away," she said with a wink.
"Yeah. Please do that," I said distractedly, my brain whirring with thoughts of Jonah running through the rain to get here. Why would he even do that? What the hell was he doing here?
He was drenched from head to toe, and my breath stopped for a while. "Hannah," he said, his teeth chattering. I stood, opening and closing my mouth several times, and I began to open the door wider to invite him in when he said, "No. I'll just stay here. I won't be long."
I slowly nodded and tightened the cardigan around my body. It really was cold.
"I know I told you I would wait until you can forgive me," he said, his voice sounding in a rush. "But I can't, okay? I simply can't. It's killing me to be away from you and I know I've fucked up and what I did was unforgivableâ"
"Jonah," I tried to interrupt him.
"And I'm sorry," he said, looking at me straight in the eye. "And I don't want to wait. I want to be with you."
I took a deep breath and let it out. "Jonah, I know, but I still need timeâ"
He looked up at the dark sky for a while and pressed his clenched fist against his mouth. "Please, Hannah?" he pleaded. "You have to understand that I never meant it to happen. You know I'll do anything if it means that you can forgive me.
"We can start over, right from zero. No more secrets. I don't have anything to hide from you anymore. I'll do anything, I'll do everything."
I felt my knees weaken and leaned against the doorframe to support the weight of my body. Jonah had left me speechless, but still he continued to list off reasons why I shouldn't let him go and why he didn't want to let me go. He told me it was fate that brought us together, and that if we tried, we still could make it work. He didn't want to wait. He wanted to try right now, to gain my "forgiveness". He didn't want to see me slowly fall out of love with him. And he was slowly making me cry.
It was nearly the most I ever heard coming out of his mouthâthe words coming out came like water rushing out through a broken dam.
He didn't have anything to hide anymore.
But I thought of the white shirt I'd left on my floor and realized that I did.
My breath caught in my throat for a while as his words about how we met for a reason struck me right in the chest, and I told him, "I'll be back."
I left him standing there in the doorway and rushed into my room to get the shirt, and when I got back, Jonah still waited at the front door, visibly shaking from the cold.
I was shaking when I gave him the shirt. I was scared to give it to him, and I almost wanted to back out and hide his shirt.
But I had to do this. Because I wanted him to know that, no, it wasn't fate that brought the two of us together.
It was me.
His eyebrows furrowed. "What is this?"
I didn't say anything as he unfolded the shirt, and I knew he realized that it was his right away.
"Is thisâ"
"Your shirt. Yeah."
"Why do you have it with you?" he asked, confusion marking every inch of his face, which only got more noticeable once he saw the faint pink on the front of the shirt.
I took a deep breath. "It was never an accident. The soda thingâI dumped it all over you on purpose."
The knot on his forehead tightened, and he took a small step back in surprise. "What are you talking about?"
Words rushed through my lips before I could even process it in my brain. "I switched seats so I could sit next to you. And that day IâI borrowed your pen even though I brought mine. I tried to get under your skin just because I could." I swallowed. "It wasn't fate that got us together. It was me pushing my way through to you."
The grip Jonah had on the shirt tightened.
"That, Jonahâthat's my secret."