Chapter 20: Chapter 19

Dalliah

As I walk back to the servants quarters, I wipe away the last few tears that refused to stay inside and force myself to try and get it together. The worst is over, or at least I hope it is yet I still can’t believe that the person defending me just now… was him.

I don’t know what I expected. I didn’t let myself anticipate it as much as I probably should have to prepare better. But even if I had, I’d have never imagined that.

He was so angry, so passionate, I’ve never seen those sort of emotions before other than the occasional scrap in the servants hall, but those pale in comparison to him.

Standing over us all with his full height made him seem like a giant. But his voice, I don’t even know what to compare that to. Surely with this in mind it should scare me, right? I mean if he knew my true name I’d be on the receiving end of that anger, probably invoking more than any old insult hurled my way would… but the fear doesn’t come.

Mortification? Yes.

Anger towards those women? Naturally.

But I’m not afraid at the moment.

Ruairi was on my side. My side! As if there wasn’t even a chance that he might not have my back. Yes, my mother fought for me, but never like this as far as I’m aware, my father would have dismissed her the second she tried. So to know that someone would quite literally stand up against those who hurt me is hard to process.

I mean if it was anyone other than him, they’d have my eternal gratitude for life, much like Ingaret and Marjorie do. But how am I supposed to feel grateful towards him? He’s the reason my family is dead, the reason that I’m forced to serve the people who I have a blood right to rule over as the last of my name.

Though when I think about it, I doubt even my father would care for me to rule Apheya. Better the line be ended than carried on by such a daughter as me.

I just find it hard to understand how my enemy was able to accept me, no questions asked and yet my own flesh and blood couldn’t? Ruairi didn’t even flinch when he saw my real face and my father locked me away.

It’s all just too much for me to process right now.

My head is spinning as I walk on and the constant change from emotion to emotion creates a dull ache behind my left eye. It builds as I go, even getting to the point where I actually start to wonder if it would have been easier for him to just let it happen. Let them mock me and tease me like they so clearly wanted.

I’d be able to hate him in peace, loyally fuel my want of revenge and get used to the insults hurled my way. But now I owe him, owe my enemy something I can barely even quantify. How am I supposed to deal with this?

“Dalliah, there you are, I heard-” Ingaret has found me in the hall on the way back to my room and it doesn’t take a genius to guess what she’s heard as her eyes focus on my face right away.

“It’s okay.” My voice sounds distracted, fitting for my current state of mind, “I’m safe.”

Rather than ask anything else she just pulls me into a hug and the tension in my body practically melts away. This is the closest person I have to family now and I didn’t know how much I needed this small show of affection.

She smells like the soap used to clean the linen for upstairs and the strong coffee that is drunk at breakfast time to keep us going for the rest of the day. It’s different from the scent of my mother, floral in every sense of the word, but it brings me almost as much comfort anyway.

“The worst is over.” She says in a soft voice before surprising both of us by placing a swift kiss on my forehead.

I must look in worse shape than I thought when trying to gain some form of control on the way back, you know, for her to take pity on me like this.

I don’t think she’s ever done that before.

I reply with “It’s funny you say that, I was thinking the same thing,” all while offering a weak smile and I’m not sure which of us I’m trying to convince with the expression.

Taking a step back, Ingaret straightens her dress and offers a twinkle far more genuine than mine. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad it’s over and you don’t need to hide.”

I squint my eyes in question, not sure what she means, as she hesitates for a second before finishing her statement.

“You always were a beautiful little girl running around without the paint, and none of that has changed since becoming a woman.”

My mouth falls open, not allowing myself to believe the words that have just left her mouth. I mean, she was the one who encouraged me to cover myself since Ruairi took over. It was always her that eyed my lowering supply with trepidation and saw my skin with fear almost as much as I did.

As if reading my thoughts she sighs, “I can fear for your life Dalliah, after all that’s my job, but never confuse Marjorie and I’s concern for disgust,” Her voice drops to a whisper so low I can barely hear her, “Not everyone is like your father.”

We don’t speak much after that as we walk in silence back to my room. The ache behind my eyes gives me the perfect excuse to rest for the remainder of the day and even the idea of losing part of my wages isn’t enough to change my mind.

When was the last time I took a moment and stopped since this all started anyway?

“I’ll tell Marjorie to take over for you this evening.” She seems to know what I’m doing before I even have to say it, and as I turn to thank her, I realise that she’s already left me alone.

I collapse onto my cot with a sigh, the energy fading from me to the point where I don’t even bother to close the window that’s currently freezing the sheets I’m lying on. What’s a bit of cold anyway? I’m used to it by now.

As if sensing my need for comfort, I hear him before I see him, his yawl echoing around the room as Nameless crawls through the gap and onto my stomach. He smells like fresh air and is nice and warm as he moves to wrap himself around my neck like a scarf.

For the first time today I find my cheeks lifting in a genuine smile and I run my fingers through his hair to thank him for the affection. I don’t know what I’d do without my little friend but thankfully I don’t need to worry about that right now.

So we just lie here.

Him snuggling into my skin, and me dreaming of somewhere we can run to. The maps my mother shared with me might as well be engraved on my heart as I try to pick where. But this kingdom is too small for a history like mine, so the only logical destination must be somewhere across the sea.

Could I do it? Leave this continent, sail away on a body of water I’ve never even seen before? Oh I hope so, all we need is that first push and we’ll be gone.