Chapter 45: Chapter 44

Dalliah

The journey back to Apheya was more pleasant than our last. We brought enough food to last us at least a month and gave away as much as possible each time we stopped to make camp.

It’s clear that conversations have happened since Rhu arrived all those days ago to witness the state the public is in, and I’m glad to see some changes already. He told me on the way, sneaking a moment with the two of us alone, that it will take time, but he hopes never to find this sort of problem again.

I hope he’s right.

Since our… incident in my room, which ended with an internal sort of explosion I didn’t think possible for the human anatomy, things have changed between us. Not enough that others in the court have noticed, though his sister and two friends don’t seem to count, but enough to completely change my approach to him. By which I mean I actually speak to him.

At meals, I seem to always be next to him despite my rank, while at leisure there’s always an excuse for him to be by my side. Whether it’s a new technique in chess, a question on my book that he’s now reading, or even a general check-in around the weather.

We haven’t spoken about what happened though, not when the risk to my reputation is so great on the road, where anyone may hear what we did. Which means he also hasn’t kissed me again and I suppose that’s one of the reasons I’ve been able to think straight, even though the tension can build to be just as bad.

I’ve wanted to ask him what this means, what sort of person this makes me to allow a man to do such things. But there’s nothing good that can come of it, is there?

Besides, things are different between us compared to a normal pair. Who he is and the barrier that causes hasn’t changed, it’s just blurred slightly and I’m at a loss for what to make of it.

My family would hate me, I know that much, but most of them hated me anyway for the way I was born. Which is a fact that I’ve made peace with lately. I’m also not the only one who has known loss because of the war, which leaves my only pain point, and the reason that still causes me sleepless nights, to be my mother.

He killed her, an innocent and forgiveness will remain forever off the table for that.

But can I forget? Do I want to forget… in order to pursue whatever it is this is that would end the second he found out my true name?

It sounds so stupid on paper to even consider it but I don’t know. Maybe my time at the castle, now living as his companion, will show some insight into the life I could choose should it be offered.

As I walk down to my old room from my time as a maid, I realise that I’m actually quite nervous about collecting my things, as few as they may be. Nameless has of course already been relocated, but other than that there are just a few dresses and my bonnet left to retrieve. My hair thankful to be reunited at last with the latter after all this time on the road.

It’s pathetic to think that I can fit my entire life into a pillow case quite comfortably, but that should change now that my wardrobe has grown I suppose. Not that I’d keep those if I were to leave.

The halls seem smaller as I pass through them, probably because I’ve now seen what it’s like to live out in the open air, and there’s a chance I’ll miss it. Nobody seems to really look at me as I pass, finding the floor more interesting than my face, which is a stark contrast to my last morning here. Has someone said something? Or is it simply just old news?

When I enter my room it looks just the same, both beds made with the scratchy blankets draped over the top and the chest of drawers stacked against the wall threatening to collapse upon itself at any moment.

I never want to see this room again, whether it means staying upstairs or leaving for good as this isn’t a period of my life that I’m likely to want to remember.

“You’re back.” Marjorie’s voice calls me from my thoughts and I jump slightly, not expecting to see her here in the middle of the day. “I thought you left.”

Her tone isn’t pleasant but I don’t really blame her. She did a lot for me before I just up and ran away. Though it’s not as if we had a blooming friendship there to ruin with my absence.

“Yes, I did… but I’m back now and erm… moving upstairs.” My jaw tightens as I force myself to say the words, not wanting to have to see her reaction. It feels like a betrayal somehow, and I suppose it is when considering where my loyalties are meant to lie.

I’m a traitor, and was one long before I let the Red King kiss me.

“What?” She snaps.

“I’m a companion now… the King’s companion.”

Just saying it out loud shows me the error of my ways, and how I’d have been better off fighting my fear with the water when he offered to leave me at the coast.

After all, I wouldn’t be standing here witnessing her disgust while battling with my conscious constantly.

“A companion? Why would he want you as a companion?” Her eyes narrow at me before widening slightly, “Unless you’re his whore?”

The words are bitter as they leave her mouth and I can’t help the burning flush that rises to my cheeks, confirming my guilt. How could she suspect so easily? Have I truly changed so much since I left such a short time ago?

Yes.

“I’m not a whore.” I say in a low voice, not believing my own words but driven by the need to defend myself from that look on her face.

“Could have fooled me.” She snorts, gesturing to the dress given to me by Odelina that compliments my figure more than the servant’s garb ever could, “Oh how the mighty have fallen.”

It would have hurt less if she’d just slapped me instead, but her words shoot to kill and my mouth falls open in shock. I knew she was unhappy with me but I didn’t expect this level of resentment to unleash itself so easily.

“I think you’ve said enough.” I try to claw back whatever composure I can, but it makes little difference when my hands are shaking as I pick up my things and tears line my eyelids, ready to fall at any moment.

“For now.”