My wolf was silent after we departed from Jacob and his wolf. I could feel her sadness hum through the bond. Our wolves were silent and the tension was thick, neither of us knew what to say or how to break down the barrier. There was so much that needed to be said but such little time. There was not enough time to mend what needed to be fixed and even then I didn't think that what we had was redeemable. The only connection we had was what was between our wolves.
My wolf didn't make me feel strong or powerful. She made me weak and needy. My heart was pounding at the decision I needed to make. I knew that time wasn't something I had but I couldn't accept my wolf abandoning me only to show her face when her mate showed his. Some may call it fate, him finding me after so many years. Maybe it was a coincidence that our paths crossed. My wolf was willing to accept her mate no matter what sin he committed.
I could feel her love for Jacob's wolf and I could understand that they were soulmates, the way they entwined with each other and wrapped their bodies together. It was like he was her missing puzzle piece. Maybe if our human selves had grown together, we could have been happy, we would have been perfect for one another. However, I didn't feel that way towards Jacob. I didn't feel naturally in love with him. It felt forced.
I knew that Jacob could sense my answer without speaking. I knew he was regretful of everything that had happened but no matter how many sorry's he dropped it wouldn't make a difference. How can I be with someone who was with my twin sister? It was impossible. I knew there was no love lost between them, but they had shared something once upon a time. It had to be strong for him to reject his true mate.
I laid in my bed as the cool cotton sheets wrapped around me. I could feel my wolf getting weaker by the second. No matter how many hours, no matter how many minutes past, I couldn't forgive him for the mistakes of his past. He could have made the decision to resolve things years ago, but instead he creates a war because of his pride and ego.
My phone vibrates on the table side. As I could at the screen I can see it is the one person I didn't want to deal with. For I saw him as the reason as to how Jacob found me. I swiped the call and answered the phone.
"Hello Jared, may I ask why you are calling me near to midnight? Shouldn't you be in bed with your mate rather than pestering me." I sarcastically state.
"Well hello to you too, I'm good thank you Loretta, how are you?" Jared muses on the phone.
"I'm fine thank you, now get to the point why are you calling me at this time?" I reply.
"Now, now, I thought we were friends." He jests.
"More like acquaintances." I mumbled.
"Friends, Loretta. Friends." Jared retorts.
I let out a loud sigh. "What do you want? It's late, it's been a long day and I am tired." I explain.
"Come on Loretta don't be like that." Jared says in a soothing tone. "Look I'm calling because I heard what was happening at your pack and I wanted to see if you needed someone to speak to. I know you may think we are acquaintances and maybe we were once upon a time. But I know why you refused to share your life story with me. I get it, I really do." Â He sighs out.
"How did you hear?" I grumble out as I clench my eyes close.
"Loretta, you are the talk of the town. The news of Redbridge pack has travelled through America. It's the biggest gossip known to our kind. Jacob is the first Alpha to ever report himself to the council." He says sadly.
"Yeah well I've only been here just over a week and it feels like I have been here a year. I'm sure you can understand why I didn't tell you how I knew about wolves." I replied.
"I get it, the news is travelling fast. I would never have expected Jacob to act like that. His parents told mine so I'm guessing they gave me the full truth rather than the Chinese whispers that are going around." He states. "Look, I wanted to call you because I wanted to let you know that I am sorry you had to go through that, I mean I knew from our last conversation you were the missing mate of Jacob but I had no idea what you were put through. No one should be put through that."
"Thanks, I guess." I sigh out. "I don't really know what else to say?" I feel my lips twitch side to side.
"Do you want to talk about it? I know you have your assistant to talk to but I'm sure he's only getting to grips with things being the mate to a Beta. I'm impartial to helping you Loretta. I owe you for your investment support. If it wasn't for you, I don't know what i would have done without you. You would have made a great Luna." He responds in a somber tone.
"How'd you know about Benji? Yeah maybe I would have. I don't really know what to tell you. My wolf wants her mate, I don't want him. Every time I try to imagine a future with him, it's clouded with images of the past. Images of him and my sister." I shiver in disgust. "I know he is angry at my sister now but all I can do is remember the time when he caressed her stomach as he thought she was carrying his child. He was so heartless, he didn't care about me when I needed him. He let me down. He chose someone else over his true mate, that is what I can't get over." I feel a tear roll down my cheek.
There is an uncomfortable silence, I can hear Jared breathing down the phone as he listens to my words. I know he doesn't know how to respond, he has no idea what it's like to be rejected. Let alone rejected for your own sibling. I was an outcast in the pack, alone with no one to listen to my woes. What hurt me the most was he didn't even give me a chance.
"My parents told me about Benji. He's a good kid." He chuckled but was quick to let out a sigh. "I don't know what to say, I get your view. I can't imagine what you went through. I don't know how you survived for so long. No wonder people called you an ice queen. Are you going to accept him now? You know the pack needs an Alpha and a Luna." He responds.
"But that Alpha and Luna does not need to be me and Jacob. To be honest, I don't think the Elders will let him remain as the Alpha. He went against every rule. The pack are awaiting his punishment but they are giving me a chance to make a decision on what to do."
"What do you mean?" Jared queries.
I exhale deeply. "My wolf is dying. She won't lie past the Elder's next visit if she isn't marked by her mate." I mumble.
"WHAT?!" He shouts down the phone.
"Calm down. My wolf, after she resurfaced she was too weak. She hadn't shifted for nearly eight years. She had isolated herself from me and the only way for her to stay alive is to borrow the strength of her mate by marking."
"But... but you can't lose your wolf Loretta! It's so final!" He exclaims.
"But so is being marked by Jacob. Jared, I have lived the last eight years without a wolf. I have never even been in a relationship. I am still a fucking virgin for christ sake! While my mate was ploughing my sister, I was withering in pain! Have you thought maybe I don't want to be a werewolf anymore? How can I be asked to forget everything that he's done to me? How can I commit to someone I don't know?" I exasperate.
"But Loretta... losing your wolf. She's part of you." He retorts.
"Jared, she was a part of me. Eight years I have lived without her. I may have been cold and aloof, but I had my reasons. I didn't engage in any relationship for fear of causing her pain. I lived my life alone because of the decisions made by my family and mate. Is it really wrong of me to want to make my own choices? Is it really bad for me to let go of someone who wants me to tie myself to someone who has done nothing but hurt me?"
"But you have time to get to know each other, you can learn to love him if it saves your wolf."
"Jared, think of it from my point of view. Would you want to save someone who had abandoned you? Would you want to be with someone that chose your twin sister over you? Would you want to be with someone that drove you out of the pack without even getting to know you first? Would you want to look after a pack that turned it's back on you because of rumours without even asking if they are true? Is it really wrong for me to want to be human?"
He let out a large sigh. "I understand. I just don't want you to regret it."
"I don't think I will. Since being here I have been nothing but stressed out. I have felt nothing but pain. Having a soulmate is a great thing but for those of us who have been rejected it's a curse. We are obligated to be with someone, we are obligated to love someone who isn't worthy of your love. Yeah I mean being human isn't something I would have chosen eight years ago, but now? After living human for this amount of time, it doesn't scare me. The pack deserves a Luna who wants to serve them. Eight years ago I may have made a good Luna, but if I took that position now." I shake my head. "I would simply feel resentful. The pack deserves the best after what they have been put through, they are victims of our decisions."
"As long as you know what you are doing." He mumbles out.
"The way I see it, is that eight years ago decisions were made by me, my family and Jacob. All of us had a part to play. Those decisions caused a ripple affect, that are still having an impact on everyone still to this day. At some point that ripple has to stop. The past will forever affect my decisions in the present, which in turn affect the future. I can't look at Jacob and this pack without seeing my past. A past that is anything but joyful. I have nothing but bad memories here and there is not enough time to replace those memories. I don't even know if it is possible." I respond.
"It sounds like you've made a decision." He confirms.
"I have never been selfish in my decisions before. When my sister chose to frame me for her crimes, I didn't do anything. When my parents favoured my sister, I didn't challenge them. When my mother whipped me, I took it. When my sister stole my mate, I let go of him. When my wolf left me because we were without a mate and pack, I respected her decision. I have always thought of everyone but myself. Even now I still believe the pack deserves a better Alpha and Luna."
Silence was all I heard from Jared, I knew he understood what I was saying. I knew he was respecting my decision, even if he wanted to argue till he was blue in the face. As I let my darkest thoughts roll off my tongue into words, my decision becomes clearer and clearer.
"For once I want to be selfish." I finish.