But he did make me happy. So happy, once.
âYou canât sit here and tell me that you donât believe that I love you.â
âI know you donât, it was all a game to you. While I was falling in love with you, you were using me.â
His eyes well up with tears. âLet me prove to you that I love you, please. Iâll do anything, Tessa. Anything.â
âYouâve already proved enough to me, Hardin. The only reason Iâm even sitting here right now is because I owe it to myself to listen to what you have to say so I can move on with my life.â
âI donât want you to move on,â he says.
I let out a harsh breath. âThis isnât about what you want! This is about how you hurt me.â
His voice sounds small, and cracks. âYou said youâd never leave me.â
I donât trust myself when heâs like this. I hate the way his pain rules me, making me irrational. âI said I wouldnât leave you if you didnât give me a reason to. But you did.â
Now it makes perfect sense to me why he was always worried about me leaving. I thought it was his own paranoia about being good for me, but I was wrong. So wrong. He knew once I found out I would run. I should be running right now. I made excuses for him because of the things he went through as a child, but now Iâm beginning to wonder if he was lying about that, too. About all of it.
âI canât do this anymore. I trusted you. Hardin, I trusted you with every fiber of my beingâI depended on you, I loved you, and you were using me all along. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? That everyone around me was mocking me and laughing behind my back, including you, the person I trusted the most.â
âI know, Tessa, I know. I canât begin to tell you how sorry I am. I donât know what the fuck was wrong with me when I brought up the bet in the first place. I thought it would be easy . . .â His hands shake as he pleads with me. âI thought you would sleep with me and that would be the end of it. But you were so headstrong and so . . . intriguing that I found myself thinking of you constantly. I would sit in my room and try to plot ways that I could see you, even if it was just to fight with you. I knew it wasnât just a bet anymore after that day at the stream, but I couldnât bring myself to admit it. I was battling with myself, and I was worried about my reputationâI know thatâs fucked up, but Iâm trying to be honest. And when I told everyone about the things we did, I didnât tell them what we were actually doing . . . I couldnât do that to you, even in the beginning. I would just make up shit that didnât actually happen, and they bought it.â
A few tears fall from my eyes and he reaches across to wipe them. I donât move away fast enough and his touch burns my skin. It takes everything in me to not lean into his palm.
âI hate to see you this way,â he mutters. I close my eyes and reopen them, desperate for the tears to stop. I stay quiet as he continues: âI swear, I started telling Nate and Logan about the stream, but I found myself getting irritated, jealous even, over the idea of them knowing what I did with you . . . how I made you feel, so I told them that you gave me . . . well, I just made shit up.â
I know that him lying about what we did is no better than telling them the truth, not really. But for some reason I feel some relief that Hardin and I are the only people who really know what happened between us, the real details of our moments together.
Which isnât good enough. And then again, heâs probably lying right nowâI can never tellâand here I am already quick to believe him. What the hell is wrong with me?
âEven if I believed you, I canât forgive you,â I say. I blink away my tears and he puts his head in his hands.
âYou donât love me?â he asks, looking at me between his fingers.
âYes. I do,â I admit. The truth of my confession weighs heavily between us. He lowers his hands, staring at me in a way that makes me regret my admission. Itâs true, though. I love him. I love him too much.
âThen why canât you forgive me?â
âBecause this is unforgivable, you didnât just lie. You took my virginity to win a betâand then showed people my blood on the sheets. How could anyone forgive that?â
He drops his hands and his bright green eyes look desperate . âI took your virginity because I love you!â he says, which only makes me shake my head vigorously, so he continues. âI donât know who I am without you anymore.â
I look away. âThis wasnât going to work anyway, we both know that,â I tell him to make myself feel better. Itâs hard to sit across from him and watch him in pain, but at the same time my sense of justice means that seeing him in pain eases mine . . . somewhat.
âWhy wouldnât it work? We were doing greatââ
âEverything we had was based on a lie, Hardin.â And because his pain has given me a sudden feeling of confidence, I say, âBesides, look at you and look at me.â I donât mean it, but the look on his face when I use his biggest insecurity about our relationship against himâthough it kills something inside meâalso reminds me that he deserves it. Heâs always been worried about how we look together, that Iâm too good for him. And now Iâve thrown it in his face.
âIs this about Noah? You saw him, didnât you?â Hardin asks and my mouth falls open at his audacity. His eyes shine with tears and I have to remind myself that he did this. He ruined everything.
âYes, I did, but that has nothing to do with it. Thatâs your problemâyou go around doing whatever the hell you want to people, not caring about the outcome, and you expect everyone to just be okay with it!â I shout and stand up from the table.