Chapter 34
" Crazy Redhead with Green eyes. "
Rochelle Quinn's POV:
"Kenzie, wait." I called out, catching up to his slow walk and grabbing his arm.
He flinched back at my touch, crossing his arms as he tried to comfort himself. He stayed silent.
"Why do you insist on destroying yourself?" I questioned hesitantly, pain leaking into my words without consent.
The pain in his eyes showed too much resemblance to the same pain I saw when I was just twelve.
I prayed that the circumstances wasn't the same.
His voice came out weak and pained, "I am destroying myself so other people can't."
" Promise me you won't do it, Kenz," My voice rose when he didn't reply, "Promise!"
"I can't." He shook his head, his voice breaking. "I can't make a promise that I know I'm going to break."
"What if it was Kade?! Or Keegan!" I tried to reason, "How would you feel if they were cutting themselves?!"
He clenched his eyes shut and shook his head at the thought, "They would never do that."
"How do you know that?" I exclaimed disbelievingly.
His reply came instantly, "Because I would never let them get as fucked up as me emotionally."
I bit my lip, suddenly wishing that I hadn't followed him. "And what fucked you up so much, Kenzie?" The question slipped from my grasp before I had a chance to stop it.
"Life."
My phone decided to ring at the most unwanted time. Looking down, I checked the caller ID. I cursed as I realised that Kenzie had taken the time to escape my eyesight and run up the stairs.
Alec.
What the fuck does he want?
I huffed, answering the phone. "Al?"
"I need to go out. Will you come and watch Ivan? Sky's gone out so I'm stuck." He sounded exhausted.
I glanced into the direction in which Kenzie had disappeared, noticing a piece of black fabric sticking out from behind the wall. "Yeah, I'll be there soon."
-**-
"Hey, Ivi." I sent him a tight smile as I sat down next to him. The sky gazed down upon us as we lay down in the backyard. "It's just us now. Tell me what I've missed."
He took out a smoke and lit it, inhaling the fumes.
"I finally got diagnosed. Bipolar disease, just like you said." He breathed out, keeping his eyes set on the rising moon.
We both lay back on the grass, admiring the conflicting colors of the dust.
"What's it like?" I asked gently, slowly moving my head so I was looking at him. He passed me the cigarette and I took a drag, simply savouring the taste.
"It feels like... Sometimes I can conquer the world, I feel amazing and happy and completely and utterly fine...and other days it takes me twelve hours to convince myself to get out of bed. I lose all motivation to do things. I'm in a daze that absolutely nobody can snap me out of."
I didn't reply, just keeping my gaze on the sky.
"What about you? What'd I miss?" He moved his head this time, his red hair ruffling against the delicate breeze.
"Foster families have been decent I guess. Everyone seems like an angel compared to him. " I spat the word as if it was pure filth against my lips. "Juvie was fine, some of them tried to jump me and got a surprise." I shrugged, but a small grin pulled my lips upwards. I frowned however as I remembered something, "I went to see Jesse."
Ivan moved his head back so he was facing the sky. His eyes contained a myriad of emotions, none of which I could understand.
"I told him about the Feds coming, and how we had to leave. He came out, finally admitted it to himself." I sent Ivan a half smile. "He still loves you Ivi. He never stopped."
"I don't love him."
I scoffed, rolling my eyes at his pathetic lie. "Don't lie to me, Ivan. You've loved him since the very first day. Your face might have changed but your eyes haven't."
"I can't give him what he wants." He whispered, I could literally hear his heart shattering into pieces.
"I don't think he cares about that. He's missed us, Ivan. He's missed you. Who would've thought it? The heartless Jesse Eaton falls for the crazy Redhead with green eyes?" I chuckled to myself, soon being joined by his tiny laughs.
"Crazy Redhead with green eyes?" I watched his eyebrows raise from the corner of my eyes.
"Best description that I could come up with. English has never been my best subject." I argued jokingly, watching a full blown smile appear on his face.
"Have you been taking your meds?" He asked seriously, the smile suddenly disappearing off his face.
"I don't like how they make me feel." I answered honestly, "No one else hides if they're fucked up, why should I?"
"Everyone is a bit fucked up." He said, his voice in a different place than our bodies. "They just like to pretend they're not." I watch as his light eyes tear at mine. "It's like a mask that no one is willing to take off. The meds help you accept the fact that there is a problem, and try to help you fix it."
"'What's done cannot be undone' " I quote, "I can't change what's happened, I just need to learn to live with the consequences on my own. I don't need any stupid meds to help me control it."
"Wow." Ivan sighed at me, frustration taking a clear role in his voice. He put his head in his hands. "Don't you dare say that again. I already have it enough with Alec, I don't need you doing it as well." He sounded utterly serious yet I knew from his eyes that he was joking.
"Wow, sorry." I laughed, "I'm not wrong though."
"Yeah yeah."
"You're acting more like the old you."
"The old me?" I asked, brows furrowing at the idea of being anything like I used to be.
"The one I knew when we were kids." He replied gently.
"Which part?" The words left a bitter taste on my tongue as the moonlight cascaded upon us.
"Before he hurt you for the first time, before you started calling yourself Rocky. You're acting more like Rochelle."
I shook my head, refusing to flinch at the word. "That's not possible."
"Why isn't it?" Now it was Ivan's turn to be confused.
"Because as far as I'm concerned, Rochelle died 5 years ago. She doesn't exist anymore."
Ivan scoffed at me, "Of course she exists. She's just overcome with anger and bitterness at the past."
"Rochelle wouldn't have killed anyone."
"Bulldog barely counts as a person, Rocky. He was a monster. He deserved everything he got." He said resentfully.
"Do you remember him?" I asked, fearing the answer.
"Yes." It was quiet, almost inaudible.
"I can't." I whispered brokenly, "I can't remember his face anymore, or how he sounds. I used to wish for this, you know? To forget, to not be able to remember and now I finally can't. I don't know what to feel, or how to feel about it. I'm not happy or sad. I just feel a little lost, confused I guess. If I have a nightmare about any of it, his face is masked or I can only see a small section. I feel like I've lost a part of myself now because he had such a massive impact on my life and how I've grown up. It's stupid 'cause of how much pain he caused to me and to all of you. There's a part of me that doesn't want this pain in my heart erased though, because as horrible as it is, it still makes me who I am. I just..I can't remember his face anymore and I don't know how to feel about it."
I continued, ignoring the way tears began to form in Ivan's eyes. "Sometimes his face does flash in my mind. But it's covered in blood and a distorted voice is begging me to stop hurting him. He pleaded for mercy as I slaughtered him in cold blood. I stabbed him, but he didn't fall over and die instantly. They're supposed to cry out and fall dead. Like in the movies. He didn't cry out and fall dead. He leaked to death, his words just as violent and angry as the first time he hurt me. All I could see and hear was you crying when he punished you. And there's still this part of me that wants to be good and pure, but I'm not. " I faced him, meeting his tearful gaze. "I did it for you, Ivan. I killed Bulldog for you. So why don't you hate me?"
"Everyone has a reason for doing something; There's always a story behind it." His voice shook with bottled up tears. "You killed him and now he can never hurt anybody ever again. He won't come back for me, I just need to convince the dark parts of my mind that."
-*-
Emotional chapter....What do you guys think?
QOTC: What do you guys think of 'Bulldog' so far?
Thank you for reading!
Lotta love,
Laska xx