VALERIE.
My heart sinks when I hear his door slam.
What have I done?
What was I doing?
Goddess! Iâve made a mess of things.
âValâ¦â Zaiaâs no longer smiling as she observes me. âAre you ok? Did I come at a bad time? Iâll leave if you wonât take offence. I shouldnât have barged in like this.â
Her warm smile returns as she looks at me apologetically, and I shake my head. Walking over to her and hugging her tightly.
âNo Zaia, I need you here. I will never tell you to leave.â Youâre my girl, my soul sister, damn weâve been together through thick and thin.
I canât say all that out loud as itâs so mushy, but she is my everything.
she My eyes prickle with tears and I hug her tighter and she hugs me back. doesnât question me again, simply holding me and running her fingers through my hair comfortingly.
Since Grandma and Dad passed away, she and Atticus are all I have.
How do I tell her?
How do I forgive myself?
How do I face my guilt?
âCome on, have your dinner. Iâll make us a hot drink.â She gives me a gentle squeeze and I appreciate her not pushing or comforting me by telling me to talk to her. I never liked that.
âYou travelled all this way, You need to eat as well. Iâll order pizza.â
âIâve eaten and your meal is getting cold,â She reminds me, as she opens the paper bag and takes out the carton, she pauses for a moment and smiles as she takes the lid off. âOh, it looks delicious, this is my favourite kind of ramen.â
âHave some, Iâm ok. Iâm not that hungry,â I sigh.
She shakes her head. âI told you, Iâve eaten,â she answers, bringing it over to the table. âNow pa up.â
I sit down, a part of me wants to save that note but I donât want Zaia to see me keeping it so I simply watch her bin the lid before she folds the paper bag and when Iâm expecting her to bin it along with the note, she simply places it to the side with the sticky note and I almost let out a breath of relief.
I love how Zaia does things without questioning why. No matter how busy we are, or how much time passes, she understands me the best. I suddenly feel emotional and grateful sheâs here. Even if I canât tell her my troubles, her just being here is more than enough.
âDo you have coffee? What a question. This is Valâs place. There is always coffee.â She smiles at me and I return it.
âAlways, top cabinet on the left of the cooker,â I answer, falling silent again as I look down at the bowl. a Iâm torn.
Torn between these feelings that are growing inside of me for him and on the other side Jaiâ¦
I swirl my chopsticks around the ramen bowl and sigh softly.
His touch⦠his kissâ¦
I close my eyes remembering how he kissed me. It was about me⦠he was attentive to what I liked yet at the same time the intense passion was⦠beyond anything I have ever experienced.
His kiss⦠why did it feel so so damn good? Iâve never been kissed like that beforeâ¦
But then, reality hits and the guilt is still here, a stark reminder of the reality of our lives.
How do I deny that I was flirting with him? I canât deny that. I had teased him and when he had yanked me close; I had felt excited.
The way he left, banging the door, piled the guilt on, guilt for hurting him. Was he upset with what I said to Zaia? Or because I was trying to mask his scent?
I donât know what to do myself; I donât know what this isâ¦
Is it just a passing attraction or more? And if itâs more, then what do I tell my friends and family? How do I tell them Iâm falling for⦠him?