Aunt Carmen was my mother's twin sister. We came from a family of twins. I couldn't imagine losing Alicia. As kids, we had been inseparable, but grew independent as teenagers. Mom and Aunt Carmen weren't as independent as Alicia and I. Aunt Carmen lived so close. She was the babysitter when Mom and Dad were out. They had both lived in the city together during college. They were best friends, so seeing my mother inconsolable was devastating. She wasn't even fifty-years-old, but she died from a heart attack in her sleep. Uncle David found her in the morning. I didn't even know until I went on lunch and saw the missed calls from my family. I had tuned everything out so much during work. I felt guilty, but Alicia was still in the city so I met up with her and we took the train back to Ossining.
We had a graveside funeral, something Aunt Carmen wanted. She liked them because, as she used to say, "no point in crying, plenty of point in eating." So the actual funeral was quick. She also liked throwing the dirt over the casket. She used to say she thought being a mortician would be fun. She had a unique sense of humor. The rabbi made a few initial remarks. We led the prayer recital. The casket was lowered. We had the graveside ceremony where Mom gave a short but loving eulogy, quoting Aunt Carmen on how the best part of a Jewish funeral was the food. Then it was time for the Mourner's Kaddish. Then, one by one, we took turns shoveling dirt onto the casket. Uncle David was crying. His face was so grief-stricken after he walked away from the casket. It was the saddest thing I had ever seen. Elijah's sobs echoed as he walked over to his car.
After the burial, we drove to Uncle David's house. Everyone washed their hands before entering the house. We had a meal of consolation. The shiva began. We practiced some orthodox traditions, like the hand washing, but we didn't cover up the mirrors or avoid "vanity." None of us were that devout or orthodox, especially not Aunt Carmen who refused to leave the house without her ruby red lipstick. That was always the best way to tell my mother and Aunt Carmen apart. Mom went for more of a pink lip.
Aunt Carmen's favorite part of attending a shiva was the socializing. This was my least favorite part. The last shiva I had been to was two years ago, so at least this time I could talk about my promotion. As the guests piled into the house, eating and sharing their food, Alicia grabbed my arm.
"You didn't tell me your boss was coming," she said.
I snapped my head up, looking for Lafayette. "Where is he?" I asked.
"Grandma's talking to him right now," she said, referring to Dad's mom.
"Oh jeez," I said, knowing full well that my grandmother was a talker. She also sometimes asked invasive questions. I don't think Lafayette had ever attended a shiva, so I doubt he was prepared to socialize so much.
I found him in the living room surrounded by a group of elderly women, including Grandma. He was being kind, but he seemed a little perplexed at all of the attention. "Mr. Jett," I said, trying to interfere. "Thank you for coming."
"Of course," he said. "Your grandmother was just introducing me to her bingo friends."
"Thank you all for coming," I said to them.
"I'm wearing one of your dresses," said a woman that I had never even met.
"Yes, it looks lovely on you," he said.
"Mr. Jett," I said. "Can you help me with something?"
"Yes. It was lovely meeting you all," he said, smiling at my grandmother.
"I'll bring you one of my sandwiches soon," Grandma said.
I dragged Lafayette out of the living room and out the side door so we were outside. I leaned against the house. "What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I wanted to come and offer my condolences," he said.
"Have you ever been to a shiva?" I asked.
"Once, when Michael's father passed in high school. I kind of...forgot what they were like," he said, smiling slightly.
"Well, thank you for coming," I said.
"Of course."
I looked at my shoes, which were not waterproof so my feet were getting cold in the wet grass. I glanced at the house, then said, "Do you want to take a walk?"
"Sure, that sounds nice," he said.
We started walking down the alleyway behind Uncle David's house. At first, we were silent. I had so many emotions going through me. For one thing, I was still grieving my aunt. I was freaking out about death, but I was also feeling guilty for what I said to Lafayette.
"Faye," I said. "I'm sorry about yesterday."
He stopped in front of me. "What are you sorry for? You don't have any reason to be sorry. I should be saying sorry, which I am. I'm so sorry," he said.
"Well, what are you sorry for?" I asked. Tears naturally started to form.
"I should've been there," he said quietly. "If I hadn't blown off lunch with you, then you wouldn't have left, and you would've been at the office when you found out about your aunt. So I would've been there and I should've."
"It's okay," I said, sniffling. "You don't have to be there. You're just my boss."
He put his hands on my arms, pulling me close, catching me completely off guard. "Em, I don't know what to do, but the fact of the matter is I care very deeply for you. I don't care that I'm your boss. I should've been there for you because I care about you. I mean, I could've driven you here. You had to pay to take the train, it's-"
"Faye," I said, crying. I put my arms around him, and he held me back. "I was mean to you, so I'm sorry for what I said. And I don't want to stop our lunches or dinners."
He held me tight. "I don't want to stop them either, and I don't want you to lower your expectations of me. I'm sorry for pushing you away this week. I just...I don't know what to do sometimes."
I rested my head on his chest. "I don't know either," I said. I thought about Mom. She said there were so many things she wished she had said to Aunt Carmen before she passed. If I died today, what would I regret not saying to Lafayette? What would he regret not saying to me?
"It's starting to rain," he said, but he didn't let go.
I lifted my head up. "We should go back before someone starts looking for me," I said. "Will you stay for a while?"
"Of course."
We started to walk back to the shiva as it began to rain more. I braced myself, knowing my family members were going to ask who the handsome guy standing next to me was. However, Mom always wanted to meet my boss, so maybe it could help her, even for a short moment. I first introduced Lafayette to Alicia.
"I've heard a lot about you," Lafayette said.
"That's scary, I know he's not saying anything nice," she said.
"He mostly says nice things, save for some interesting stories from your childhood."
"Don't worry, they're the embarrassing stories for me," I said.
Alicia laughed. "Yeah, Emily has some embarrassing ones for sure," she said, eyeing me before glancing back to Lafayette. "Thank you for coming by the way. It's very nice of you to show up for your employee." By the way she said employee, I knew she had some speculation about us, but there was nothing to speculate on. I told her this with my eyes. She looked back at me and I could tell in her face she was saying yeah, right. It was a twin thing.
After Alicia, I figured it was time he could meet my parents. It felt kind of silly introducing him like he was my boyfriend, because I never introduced Jeremy or Owen to them. "Mom, Dad," I said. "This is Lafayette Jett, my boy - er - boss, my boss," I said, my face growing beet red. Alicia laughed behind me, but Mom and Dad didn't seem to notice, thankfully.
"Oh, thank you so much for coming," Mom said, going in for a hug which caught Lafayette off guard, but he hugged back. "It's nice to finally meet you. We've heard so much about you, and look Dean, he's so handsome in person."
"Mom," I said.
"Well he is," she said, grabbing his arm.
"Thank you," he said, smiling slyly at me. "I completely thought you were a secret sister of Emerson's, you look so much alike."
She laughed, the first time she had laughed since finding out about Aunt Carmen. I couldn't help but smile at Lafayette. "Well, thank you, luckily they get their genes from me," Mom said, rubbing Dad's shoulder.
"Hey now," Dad said.
Eventually, Lafayette was sitting in an armchair as half of the women in the place insisted on feeding him. It was a good thing he loved eating. I sat with Alicia on a loveseat across from him and the room seemed to liven up a little. It's what Aunt Carmen would've wanted. She loved hosting people. She'd want them to feel like they were at a party.
"Your boss is really hot," Alicia said.
"Well..." I said. What was I going to say?
"Don't worry. I'll keep my hands off," she said, tilting her head at me and giving me a knowing look.
"You can put your hands on him, I don't care," I lied.
"Really? Do you think I could convince him to stay the night?" She smiled at him.
"Alicia," I said, indignantly, giving away my facade.
She didn't say anything, though, just kept smirking at me as I tried to not stare at Lafayette. I was surprised at how well he was doing with everyone. I knew crowds could overwhelm him sometimes, unknown places and all, but he seemed at ease. I was thankful.
Hours after the burial, when it was dark and raining hard, most people had funneled out of the house. It was just my family and I - along with Lafayette.
It was Mom who said, "Lafayette, you cannot drive back into the city in this storm."
"It's only an hour drive," he said. "I don't want to overextend my welcome."
"Oh, honey, your welcome is much farther than an hour's drive, I guarantee that. No, you can come just down the street and sleep in our guestroom. Dean here has some extra jammies, too, I think you'll fit."
Lafayette looked at me, either for help or for approval, so I nodded. "Okay, I can stay," he said, probably wanting to please my mom. How could you say no to someone that just lost their twin sister?
So we all bustled down the street to my parents' house. I don't think I was ready to have Lafayette view my childhood home, but here we were. Mom showed him almost everything in the living room. She talked about the family photos, the writing award I won in high school, the singing award Alicia won in high school - pretty much anything sitting on our bookshelves she talked about. We played a round of cards through the evening, Lafayette fitting right in. It was after ten o'clock when we called it a night.
I took Lafayette down to the guest bedroom in the basement. He changed into the pajamas my mother gave him while I pulled the extra pillows from the closet. He came out of the bathroom, pulling on the drawstrings because my dad was just a little bigger than him. He tied them in a knot. "Well, let me know if you need anything," I said. "Thanks for putting up with my family so much."
"It's not a problem," he said. "You have a wonderful family, Em."
I nodded, lingering. "Well, good night."
"Good night."
I went back up to my bedroom, walking past the sound of my mother crying in her bedroom, my father consoling her. I climbed into bed, any of the joy from spending time with my family and Lafayette dissipating, being replaced with grief and worry once again. I managed to fall asleep, amidst the thoughts of death, but those thoughts infiltrated my dreams. I had a nightmare of my family dying, of Lafayette dying, so I woke again after midnight. I must have been crying in my sleep because my cheeks were wet.
Trying to distract myself enough to forget my nightmare, I grabbed my phone. There was a text message from Lafayette. If you need anything, don't hesitate to reach out. That was from an hour ago, so I texted him if he was awake. A moment later, he replied with a yes. I asked if I could come downstairs, and he said yes again. So, quietly, I tip-toed down the two floors to the basement, gently knocking on the guest bedroom door. Lafayette called me to come in. The bedside lamp was on. I shut the door behind me, looking at Lafayette sitting up in the bed.
"Are you okay?" he asked quietly.
"I just had a bad dream," I said back, also quietly.
He sat up straighter, and said, "You can sit down if you want."
I sat on the end of the bed, cross-legged, facing him. I didn't want to sit too close. I mean, I did want to sit closer, but I was showing restraint. "Why are you still up?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I don't sleep easily in new places," he said. "When I slept at your place, I was surprised that I slept decently there." He glanced down, flexing his toes. "I guess I might have a lot on my mind, too."
"What's on your mind?" I asked.
He looked up at me, staring longer than I expected, to the point that I blushed and looked at the floor. "I just wanted to apologize again," he said. "And before you say anything, I do have to apologize to you. I was intentionally being standoffish to you this past week, but that's not fair to you. And I don't want to be in a position where I'm not there for you again. Bosses and employees shouldn't be friends, but I consider you a friend."
I hugged my knees to my chest. "Why were you being standoffish?" I asked.
"Because I don't know how to be an ethical boss, not cross a line, not hide the fact that I care for you, still be your friend, and still be there for you," he said. "So, that's why I had Emilio make an amendment to your employee contract."
"What's the amendment?" I asked, looking at him.
"That I can't fire you," he said. "If I ever come into a position where you do something fireable, then I have to write a report and present it to the executive suite. They will then make a decision. It's the same with if I just want to demote you. You can read through it when you return to work. It has many of the same contractual agreements you already signed, but essentially your job cannot be on the line. It removes any power I have over your career in the company. You will still work for me, of course, and you are still expected to uphold your responsibilities as my assistant, but it becomes a process to terminate or demote you."
"Oh," I said, not sure what to say.
"I don't think we will run into an issue where you are not doing your job or where I want to fire you, but I think this can help take the stress away," he said.
"Can I sign it now?" I asked.
He laughed. "No, it has a notary block," he said. "I would feel much better if you read it over first. I can email it ahead of time, then when you return to work you can decide whether or not you want to sign it."
I squirmed where I was sitting. I wanted to know what this meant, but I didn't want to pester him. I didn't realize just how stressed he was about overstepping. Sometimes I was complicit, but it's because I also wanted to be his friend. I mean...could we be more than that? I couldn't dare to think of it. The thought of my unrequited feelings was too heartbreaking. Just thinking of it started to hurt, because then it made me think of Kenneth, and that made me think of Aunt Carmen, and the worries of death came over me again.
"I didn't mean to make you cry," Lafayette said quietly, leaning forward.
"No, it's not you," I said. "It's just..." I shook my head. "The grief and anxiety again."
He nodded. "Do you need a hug?"
I nodded. I climbed into his outstretched arms, leaning against him. It felt so nice being in his arms. He was so strong, and the sound of his heart under my ear was comforting. Slowly, we found ourselves laying down in the bed together, me still in his arms, but the blanket over us. I hadn't signed the amendment yet, and I don't think the amendment gave us the pass to cuddle, but I don't think either of us cared in that moment.
I fell asleep in his arms. Falling asleep in my boss's arms in my parents' basement was not something I ever expected to happen. Imagine if my mother walked in on the two of us cuddling in bed. She'd never stop talking about it. She'd probably force us to get married knowing her. So, luckily for me, I woke up at around five in the morning. My head was nuzzled against him. Moonlight was coming in through the window close to the ceiling. This is all the light in the room, but it was enough for me to see Lafayette's arm stretched above his head, which was pulling his shirt up a little. The shirt was pulled up just enough for me to notice the too large of pajama pants being a little lower than they should have been. They were low enough that his v-line was showing among his lower abs. A scorpion tattoo hugged one of his hips. Heat grew to my face, because he looked hot like that. All I wanted to do was slide my hands up his shirt and kiss that tattoo.
As quietly as I could, I climbed out of the bed and left the room. I tip-toed back upstairs and into my bedroom, climbing into bed where I couldn't get the thought of his lower abs, his v-line, his tattoo, and what lied below out of my head.