When I walked back into the party, everyone turned to me and yelled Happy Birthday! Michael came up to me with a cake adorned with sprinkles and candles. I blew them out, putting on a smile. I thanked Michael and Emilio, my smiling friends, hugging me. It was dark and shadowy. My heart was racing. All of these people were here to celebrate the new year with me, celebrate my birthday with me, but the only thing I could think about was Emerson.
My body and my mind didn't know how to react. I felt terrible. I felt amazing. I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted to flee the country. I had to talk to someone but I couldn't tell anyone about this. The first person I could think of talking to was Em himself, but I couldn't. What were we going to do? The amendment to his contract didn't excuse this. I was his boss. He was my assistant. It was still a boundary that had been crossed.
Shame, shame, shame.
The voice from the Catholic school rang in my ear. Why now? I had slept with so many people before, but now the oppressive and omniscient voice had to fill my head? It didn't matter that we had an amendment because it didn't matter that I was his boss at all. What mattered was that I just didn't deserve to have someone like Emerson.
What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death!
I hadn't been to church since I was a teenager but of course I could still recite a passage. Why did our childhood traumas always have to follow us? Even the ones who blacked out those memories from their mind, the trauma still controlled them. If God was real, why did he have to hurt us so much, especially as children? Was I really that bad of a person?
"Where are you?"
I looked up. Em had entered the room. He was standing behind a candle on one of the tables. His face glowed against the wavering flame. "I'm here," I said. This is what I said right before we kissed. I shouldn't have said that. "I..." I could barely speak. How did he always know when I was in my head?
His sapphire eyes were glistening. "Faye," he whispered, leaning forward. "It's okay. I promise. You don't have to worry or overthink. Okay?"
I nodded. "Right," I said. "Right. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. This is all my fault, not yours. We just have to forget that this whole thing happened. It's your birthday. It's a new year. We should have fun," he said.
"Okay," I said. "I can try."
He smiled softly. "Good, but I shouldn't drink anything else for the rest of the night. I mean, I don't want to accidentally make out with someone like Marcus or Michael."
I managed a laugh. He could always make me laugh. In a flash, though, my smile dropped. "Oh shit," I said.
"What?" Em asked. He followed my gaze and looked down. One of the ruffles on his shirt got caught in the candle and was catching fire. Em shrieked.
I grabbed one of the cloth napkins and started swatting at it. Jerry threw a glass of water onto him, putting out the fire, and drenching Em in the process. It was pandemonium. Em's sister came running off of Clovis's lap, Clovis following. Michael, intoxicated, was asking if there was a fire he had to watch out for, while Emilio tried to calm him down. Marion covered his eyes at the horror of seeing the blouse ruined.
The only good thing that came from this was that it put a halt to the party, just enough that people would leave. I actually wasn't fond of parties, unless it was small and with my friends. I should've just hosted them at my place. Then maybe Em and I wouldn't have gotten stuck together alone where mistakes wouldn't have happened. Many of the attendees started to clear out, clasping hands with each other, eager to get to their bedrooms together. Don and Jerry took the responsibility of shepherding the rest out, calling taxis for them if need be.
Alisha wiped Em's shoulders and chest with a cloth napkin to dry him out. It was a rather large glass of water Jerry had tossed. "Are you hurt?" she asked.
"No, luckily it didn't burn me," he said. "This is a terrible night." When he looked at me, he quickly said, "That didn't come out the way I wanted it to."
"It's fine," I said. "I know what you meant."
"This was a great night," Michael said, slurring. "I love New Year's."
"This is how I know we are getting old," Emilio said. "Miguel, it's time to go."
"Fine, but you're still gonna fuck me when we get back," he said.
"You're going to fall asleep in the car, but sure. Give Lafayette a hug."
Michael threw his arms around me and kissed me flat on the lips. "Happy New Year, bitch," he said. Well, that made me feel a little better about my kiss with Em. Michael did the same thing to Em as well, planting a wet one on him too.
"Happy birthday," Emilio said, giving me a hug and kissing my cheek.
"Emerson, my dear," Marion said, touching the burned ruffle. "Please, Monday, come to my office and I will get you a new blouse like this. I'm sure I have one. If not, I will sew one just for you." He squeezed Em in a hug. "Carla, such a shame."
Carla smiled at Em, ignoring the mourning Marion. "Happy New Year," she said, giving Em a hug as well. She turned to me. "Happy birthday, Lafayette." She kissed my cheek.
"Oh, Lafayette, what an omen," Marion said, grabbing my hands. He kissed them. "A fiery year awaits us. Happy birthday, my dear."
"Thank you, good night you two."
The last of the guests, other than Em, were Alisha and Clovis. Alisha looked sympathetically at Em. "Do you want to share a ride with me?" she asked.
Em glanced at me for a split second, then back to his twin. "That's probably for the best," he said quietly. "I would like to change, though. I might have something upstairs. Is it okay if you wait on me?"
"Of course. I'll work on getting an Uber." She turned to me and smiled softly, the way Em so often did. "Happy birthday, Mr. Jett," he said.
"Thank you," I said. "Thank you for coming."
"Happy birthday," Clovis said.
I gave him a nod as he followed Alisha out. I turned to Em. "Well, I was thinking I might just crash here tonight, so I'll walk up with you," I said. This wasn't true. I had wanted to go back to the townhouse with the expectation that Em would come with. Would he ever stay the night again? We probably couldn't share a bed again. We had to be careful. No more boundaries were to be crossed.
"Okay," he said. "But, I don't actually have anything upstairs. I just wanted to say I'm sorry again and that I want to pretend like nothing happened."
I nodded. "I understand," I said. "I'm very sorry as well, Em. I can tell you had a rough night. I wish I had just stayed in and watched a movie with you or something."
"That sounds nice," he said. "Maybe some other time."
"Right. If you want, you can borrow one of my shirts so you aren't going out into the cold with this holey shirt on," I said.
"That would be nice."
We went upstairs and into my flat so I could retrieve a comfier shirt than the work shirts I had in the office. I dug through the closet, my back to Em. I pulled out a crewneck sweatshirt that said NYU on it. When I turned, Em was in the process of taking off his shirt. I had never seen him shirtless before. The inappropriate thoughts entered my mind. It didn't help that he was standing right next to the bed.
"This stupid button melted into the fabric or something," he said.
"Let me help," I said. I walked over to him and saw where the button was entangled and almost fused with the burnt chiffon. I yanked at it, accidentally ripping the entire shirt more than I had intended, which did not help stifle my inappropriate thoughts.
Em blushed, slipping the shirt off. He grabbed the crewneck and slipped it on. It was large on him, like all of my clothes, but he always looked adorable when he wore my baggy clothing. I liked seeing him wear it. I wanted him to only be wearing it. "Thanks again," he said.
"You're welcome. Do you need me to walk you down?" I asked.
"No, it's fine," he said. He sighed.
We stared at each other. I wanted to kiss him again. His lips were so kissable. They linked perfectly with mine. The way his bottom lip fit between my lips and the way he moaned when I slid my tongue under his lip...
Shame, shame.
I looked down. "Good night, Em," I said.
"Good night, Faye."
When he shut the door behind him, I went into my bathroom and took a cold shower. I slipped on some pajamas after drying off. I brushed my teeth, put on an overnight mask, and hopped into bed. I put the TV onto some reruns of Friends. Then I slept. And I slept, and I slept, and I slept. I slept from almost one in the morning to one in the afternoon. I don't think I had slept that long ever. And even upon waking up at one, I did nothing but lounge around. I ate food and kept watching TV in bed. I fell asleep at five and woke back up at seven. All I did was be lazy. It was kind of nice, actually. Even though I missed Em, felt terribly ashamed, and knew I was a terrible person - it was actually probably one of the best birthdays I had had in a long time.