Creating a kissing pact was not something I had planned on with Emerson. I was easily convinced. The goal was to not kiss him - to avoid kissing him. Tuesday I tried to keep busy and distract myself from wanting to kiss him. Even when he hopped onto my desk to sit next me, he did not make any advances. It made the desire more painful. On Wednesday, we were allowed to kiss, but I wanted to restrain myself.
I made it through the majority of the day successfully. But it was a little after four, when Em placed himself on the edge of my desk, like usual. The sun was setting, illuminating him. It was when he smiled at me. There was a look in his eyes. I was talking. I met his eyes. I got tongue-tied, and then I was tying tongues with him.
I stood up, pulling him to me, holding him tightly in my arms. Kissing him was wonderful, but also dreadfully terrible because I wanted all of him. His inner thighs hugged my hips after I pushed him farther onto the desk. What was it about kissing him that was drastically better than kissing anyone else? It wasn't just my feelings. It was something to do with the way he'd grab onto me, how he'd gently nuzzle his face against mine in between kisses. He was a comfort. He was tender. He felt, almost, loving. Oh, how I wanted to make love to him, especially when he would quietly whisper a moan as I'd kiss his neck.
On Thursday, Em and I stayed the night in the flat because we stayed up watching Bridgerton because Em had always wanted to watch it. He changed into a pair of shorts he had left here one time and then one of my t-shirts, lampshading his shorts. His legs went on for miles. They were so smooth and glossy. We brushed our teeth and slipped into bed. After the lights were off, Em leaned over and kissed me.
"It's Thursday," I whispered, but didn't pull away too far.
"No. It's past midnight now. It's Friday," he said and kissed me again.
Kissing at night in a bed was dangerous. I wanted to fuck him. I wanted to kiss up his silky legs and slide his short shorts off of him. I wanted him to moan more, moan louder. I wanted him to grab onto me tighter as he got closer to finishing.
I let go. "I think...we should go to bed," I said. I was breathing heavily.
"Okay, we can do that," he said. He kissed my forehead and then rolled over.
I could barely see him in the dark. I wanted to spoon him, but felt my body tingling from the kiss still that I decided not to. In the morning, though, I awoke to him cuddling up to me. What were we doing? We were basically together minus the label and sex. Would this last? Would I mess it up? I don't think Em actually felt the same as I felt for him. Why would he? Even if I attempted to be a normal, good human being, he still deserved better.
Em stretched against me, moving so he was a little more on top of me. He opened his eyes and glanced up at me. "Good morning," he mumbled.
"Good morning," I said.
He sat up with a small smile, moving forward to kiss me. It was a gentle kiss. A good morning kiss. We only kissed for a minute or so before he put his head back onto my chest. "What time are they coming tomorrow?" he asked.
"They will be there around noon," I said.
On Saturday, people were coming to remove the hot tub. It was old anyway, but the look of it always brought back memories. However, they were going to install a new hot tub. I decided to get a new one because I didn't want to completely avoid hot tubs for the rest of my life. I wanted to get back to enjoying them again. I just couldn't do that with the same hot tub from all of those years ago. Plus, the new one was going to be much nicer and fit the aesthetic the basement had already. Em was going to be there to help support me, because the idea of it kept weighing on me. I needed his comfort. Also, he was going to join me in the first dip into the brand new hot tub.
For the majority of the day Friday, I did have actual work to be doing even though I kept losing track of time every time Em would slide into my lap and kiss me. It was as though he had forgotten about the bad memories that came from sitting on other people's laps. If he could accomplish that, then hopefully I could accomplish going into a hot tub myself. I had to keep scooping Em up to make him stand so I could head to a meeting or get work done. Plus, I did not want anyone to walk in and see us. I told him it would be in the flat only from now on. He pouted, but agreed.
Em had a drag performance that night so he was not going to stay the night at my place. Michael and Emilio and a few others were going to go and see him perform. I decided to stay home. Cheryl and I had talked about how to learn to be content alone. So I wanted to use this as an opportunity to be by myself. Being alone and being by myself were two different things.
For the evening, I worked out at the townhouse and then took a bubble bath. I cooked dinner for myself. I played a few games of Tetris. I cleaned my bedroom up. I watched TV. It was getting late, and while my friends were all out together enjoying each other's company, I was by myself in my townhouse. It was fine. One night of being away from them was fine. I did not have FOMO. It wasn't about that anyway. I was learning to enjoy my own company. Even if that meant staying up late watching videos, then so be it.
Saturday morning, Em arrived around eleven in the morning. He had gotten home pretty late. I appreciated that he still made it. He looked very cute in his monochromatic, navy blue loungewear as well. Since it was Saturday, and we were in the privacy of my home, I let him kiss me as we waited for the workers to replace the hot tub. We didn't last very long before they did show up.
"Here it is," I said to them, Em next to me, looking at the hot tub I hadn't been in in almost a decade.
Removing the hot tub was faster than I expected. It was satisfying to see them rip it up off the ground, dismantling it, shoving it into the back of a truck. The dirty blue innards of the tub and the yellow-ish white of the outside were ill-fitting for the basement. It did not belong. The new tub was a sleek black with a cyan color on the inside. It was state of the art. Jets like normal, but a few smaller ones to offer a massage like effect as well.
Installing the new tub was going to take a lot longer than removing the old one. So Em and I ate lunch and watched TV while we waited. I was a little surprised at how relieved I felt having gotten rid of the old hot tub. I figured it would be just a symbolic event, nothing too serious, but knowing that it was out of my house was a good reminder that Richard was out of my life. I had Emerson to thank for that.
A few hours later, the hot tub was officially installed. Em and I changed into our swimsuits and turned on the tub for the first time. We dipped into the warm, vibrating water. It felt amazing. We circled around the tub, chatting, making jokes, laughing. We sat against one side next to each other. Soon enough, we were making out.
The massaging effects from the small jets felt wonderful. My muscles relaxed as the small jets came from every which way. As Em and I kissed, we gradually moved into a corner. Em straddled my hips on top of me, kissing me deeper. In this corner, there was one particular small jet that managed to fit between mine and Em's legs, perfectly between the point our groins were meeting. It felt too good. I was getting aroused but I couldn't stop kissing Em. I bit at his neck, kissing and nibbling as I grew more hard with the massaging water. It was when Em moaned louder than normal that I assumed he was having the same experience. He wasn't moving against me. I wasn't moving against him. My hands were placed on his lower back. His hands were on my shoulders. We were just kissing, truly, while the hot tub was getting us off.
I could tell Em was trying to hold back his moans. I was holding mine back as well. I don't know if he knew I was getting aroused. We were going to act like this wasn't happening, which was probably for the better. I kissed his neck more to keep my mouth from making any noises. Em's hand was over his mouth, trying the best it could. We were sitting next to the control panel for the hot tub. I turned the jets up higher. It felt like getting a hand job. Em was breathing quickly, shuddering, but I kept kissing his neck. I felt him shake beneath me, a moan hidden behind his hand as he - what I assume - climaxed. I followed suit immediately after, biting his neck hard.
We breathed slowly. I was too afraid to look at him. He caught his breath and kissed me tenderly. He moved off of me, sitting next to me. He looked so beautiful post-climax. His face flushed and his pupils dilated. This couldn't count as sex. I'm not even sure it could count as fooling around. All we did was kiss. The hot tub had a mind of its own. In a way, I was a little happy, because now anytime I would look at this hot tub or any hot tub, I would just think of this moment with Em. Still, I did feel that sense of shame that always overcame me.
"It's been a long day," Em said. "I kind of want to take a nap."
I nodded. "That sounds like a good idea," I said.
"Do you want to take a nap with me?"
"Maybe in a few. I need to check some emails. We should shower first, though, either way." I paused. "You-you should still have shampoo and conditioner in your bathroom. If you don't have any then I can grab some from my bathroom to give to you." I didn't want it to sound like we would shower together, even though that also sounded amazing.
We got out of the hot tub, wrapping towels around ourselves. I turned off the tub and followed Em up the stairs. When he glanced back over his shoulder at me, lips slightly parted, my heartbeat quickened at the look in his eye. I did want to take him in my shower, push him against the wall and fuck him, let him moan as loud as he wanted to. Take it to the bedroom, the terrace, the patio, wherever.
Em went into his bathroom to shower while I went into my bedroom and masturbated. What had we gotten into? This wasn't part of the plan. I was supposed to be better and feel good enough for Em. Would that ever even happen? If I knew it wasn't going to happen, was I just taking advantage of Em now? I don't know what he is expecting of me. He probably does not expect much from me, just all the characteristics I don't have. I shouldn't think like this. I took a shower and then found Em already asleep in his bed. I decided to go upstairs back to my bedroom and take a nap of my own. I had to clear my head, at least get rid of the self-deparacting thoughts and just replace them with the ones of Em.