Since my mother died, I would find myself staring at the wall between moments in my day, such as washing my hands in the bathroom or looking for a book mark through a drawer, and just aching. It was a slow ache that eventually made its way to my chest, squeezing my heart and sometimes, I would cry, for no reason whatsoever, small tears rolling down my cheeks and blinding my vision as I attempted to continue the menial tasks. These aches were different than the initial blow of losing my mom-- the loneliness, the fear, the anxiety attacks-- but it hurt all the same and kept me up at night wondering if I was depressed or not. This feeling caught me off guard quite often, but when I was around people, whether that be Josh or, more recently, Cally or Keon, that aching feeling didn't creep up like it used to. I wondered if Josh felt the same way.
For this reason, I was thrilled when Josh suggested we watch a movie after dinner, and when Keon asked if we had any scary movies, I got extra excited. Despite being quite the girly-girl, I loved scary movies. Of course, it started with scary books, like Frankenstein or Brave New World, but despite some of the cheesiness, there was nothing better than watching a good "slice and dice them" movie like Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Entering the movie theatre behind Josh's garage, I marveled at how big the screen was despite it being a home theatre. Around the screen were these heavenly looking chairs that were shaped like eggs, which could be positioned to sit up, or lay down, making a nest of brightly colored pillows. In the back corner of the room Josh had, of course, a pop corn machine with the wall behind it loaded with large posters of great movies like The Shining. Having never been there before, I turned to Josh with a smirk.
"Really?" I said, looking around the room. At this Josh gave a confident smile that looked like something of a movie star, bright white teeth and all. He gave a laugh, as if I was the one being ridiculous, not him.
"What can I say? My parents spared no expense. I used to have boy-girl movie nights in here before the plague that were all the rage. Don't use it as much anymore," said Josh, as he sauntered into the room. His feet idly led him to what I assumed was his egg (the one he always used) and Keon trailed behind him, sitting in the egg next to it. I entered the room as well, shutting the outside door behind me with a trail of drizzle following me in. It was nighttime now and the drizzly weather suggested upcoming snow, as freezing rain was so bad I had to wear a coat before entering.
"Boy-Girl parties?" I said with a smile tugging my lips. To my surprise, Keon laughed, a wonderful sound that only made my smile grow wider. Josh was laughing too, emanating confidence whereas Keon's laugh suggested shyness, a sort of timid release of sound, but both had laughs that made me feel like a million bucks in completely different ways.
"Yeah, we were only freshman, I think. I had my first kiss in here in seventh grade as well. With Lilia Evans," said Josh, making a grossed out face. At this, I tried my best to hold my face in a smile, but it suddenly felt very forced. Lilia Evans moved away during eighth grade, but she was absolutely stunning from what I remembered. She had these amazing eyes with one green and one an amber-brown, so naturally every boy in middle school wanted to be her boyfriend. Despite it being years ago, I felt a rush of not only insecurity, but jealousy, as Lilia seemed to get everything she wanted because of her stupid eyes.
"Is she the girl who had those different color eyes?" asked Keon, to which Josh nodded. Great, even Keon remembered that stupid girl! Walking into the room, I sat on the egg while looking at my phone, pretending to be uninterested. I told myself it wasn't important-- come on, she moved away years ago!-- yet still wondered if at her new school, Lilia still had all the boys after her. To my relief, Josh changed the subject.
"Hey, do you know when C--" before Josh could finish talking, though, a knock at the back door made him stop. He shrugged and walked to the back muttering "Guess that answers my question." Flinging open the door, Josh put on his award-winning smile in greeting for Cally, who looked like an angry wet dog, her long brown curls glittering with dew.
"About time, Joshua Fauxgard. Were you too busy yapping about that dumb bitch Lilia to come get the door?" brazenly said Cally, as she waltzed into the room. Under my palm I hid a snicker, so proud of my best friend for pretty much saying anything she wanted. Cally's eyes lit up when she saw me, and I stood up to meet her halfway for a hug.
"What do you have against Lilia? She was nice enough," said Josh as he poured himself a bag of pop corn. Cally gave me a look as she pulled out of our hug, as if trying to show me how truly stupid Josh was. I wondered if she had anything against him after the events at the party,even though I had texted her that I was over the whole situation. Well, mostly over it.
"Yeah, but she had the IQ of a stick of butter. Besides, every girl hated Lilia because every guy worshiped that bag of stupid. Whatever, it was like, what, a million years ago? I want a bag of popcorn," said Cally, setting her purse down beside me to meet Josh up by the popcorn. While Josh and Cally chatted further about how truly stupid Lilia was ("Okay, she seriously didn't understand that the moon wasn't a planet?" "Yeah, Josh, I was in class when she asked.") Keon and I shared a look that practically radiated the phrase "Uh, extroverts."
"Alright guys, so what movie did we decide on tonight?" asked Josh when he was done serving Cally popcorn. She trailed behind him with a full bag in hand, looking victorious. Keon and I locked eyes. Had Josh really thought we'd been talking about movies during his and Cally's discussion? We were introverts for pete's sake--any quiet and thoughtfulness we could get, we would take. Regardless, I smiled easily at Josh, feeling uncertain.
"I don't know, we didn't really talk about it. What do you guys want? I'm down for anything, really," I said, and I saw Keon's shoulders visibly relax. For a while Josh and Cally primarily discussed which movie we would watch, with me dropping in my opinion every so often. Keon just stared at everyone with his bright blue eyes and bit his lip ring nervously, which made me wonder if he possibly had social anxiety. For this reason, I moved to the egg closer to Keon's, leaving my seat open for Cally.
"The lasagna was good," I said, striking up a conversation as Josh and Cally blabbered on about the pros and cons of the Saw franchise. Turning bright red, Keon focused his attention on a loose thread on his sleeve, pulling at it in concentration.
"Well, I'm sure the cheese puffs made it taste better for you with the baby and all," he said. To my surprise, his voice seemed to catch a little on the word "baby" and he avoided my gaze now more than ever. What was that suppose to me? Was he jealous of Josh? Taking a deep breath I pushed the relationship worries out of my mind. That wasn't what I needed right now. It was time to focus on rebuilding my life, not building any kind of romance. Glancing over at Cally, I hoped I could send her mental messages to hurry up with the choosing process already, but she seemed too focused in the battle of blu-ray versus dvd. This was unfortunate, because I didn't want to talk about Josh's child growing inside me right now.
"Speaking of which," piped up Keon, to my dismay "Why are you so much bigger than Cally? Not that I'm calling you fat it's just-just you said at dinner. Um......." I felt a tinge of irritation at this that I tried to attributed to the pregnancy hormones. Simultaneously, I felt bad for Keon because he was just so awkward at times, it was painful to watch. Ultimately, I knew what he was getting at, so I attempted to give one of Josh's award winning smiles to calm him down.
"I don't know, really, my first doctor's appointment is next week. Part of me just wonders if the baby is just extra large, you never know," I said, my hand wandering to my belly. Keon glanced at my hand before finally meeting my eyes, his lip titled up in a kind of disappointed smirk.
"Maybe you'll get lucky, have twins or triplets or something," he said. While his voice sounded cheery, his eyes revealed something else-- something dark and curious, like the way an animal in a cage watches a tourist. For a moment I was lost in his gaze, but then I had to focus back to the conversation at hand. Looking down at my belly, it was now my turn to blush a light pink, a slight embarrassment at how my body just seemed to be so weird right now. I couldn't fathom the idea of a single baby growing inside me yet, much less two or three.
"I sure hope not, that sounds like a lot of work," I said, to which Keon spoke almost too quickly.
"I'll babysit!" he said quickly. I eyed him curiously to which he seemed to retreat back into his metaphorical turtle's shell. Interesting. He seemed very excited at the idea of my child, which still felt so unreal to me. Maybe it wasn't Josh he was jealous of, but something else.
"Keon," I began, swallowing hard to muster up some courage "Do you ever regret being infertile? I mean, with everything going on, it doesn't seem like that bad of an option. Lonely, sure, but you don't have all this stuff to worry about, right?" Opening his mouth and then shutting it again, my eyes went to Keon's lip and his teeth battled with his lip ring fiercely. Instead of avoiding my eyes, though, Keon watched me intensely, as if searching my face for the answer.
"To be completely honest.... I don't know. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. I worry how I feel when everyone else has one and I don't. I already feel some... Nevermind," Keon said. At the end of his speaking he seemed to second guess himself, second guess how much to reveal, and really, I couldn't blame him. It was a tough topic to talk about. Still, I wanted to know more about the quiet introvert in front of me who had bravely helped me in my time of need and lingered afterword, looking for something I wasn't sure of yet.
"What? Felt what?" I asked, but this only seemed to make Keon retreat further. Now avoiding my face instead of searching for answers, Keon went back to attending the loose thread again, off in his own little world.
"Well, sometimes, I--"
"Alright, alright, movie is officially picked out! Get ready for some Cloverfield tonight kids, it's shaky cam, late 2000's time!" Cally proclaimed loudly.
A/N-- Hey all. Thanks for all the encouraging comments, sorry this update is so late in the day. Next update coming your way this Monday. Don't forget to comment, tell me today if you like the new direction I am taking with this story. Love you all!