Aurelie opened her eyes and huffed, looking up at the ceiling but not taking anything in that she saw. A gnawing pain persisted in her temple. It followed no matter which way she turned, and Sasha had not turned up with the healing herb for her this time. She kicked off her blankets in irritation and pushed her fingers into her temples, groaning.
The floorboard creaked in the corner of her room. She had only ever heard the noise when she had stepped over a loose floorboard on the way to her closet. Shooting up, she waited for her eyes to adjust to separating the shades of the darkness in the corner of her bedroom. Something moved.
Aurelie lifted her handâwithout needing to but as a habit nowâand lit all the candles in her bedroom.
Kirin's shadow stood so close to her closet that his shoulder pressed itself halfway into the closed door. Purple shadow particles floated within his shadow like stars. Aurelie's heart sank. She felt a sudden wave of nausea come on like a blow to the gut.
Aurelie gasped. "Oh, my God." She jumped off the bed and took two steps toward the shadow before stopping. "I've gotten you killed, haven't I?"
"Hi," Kirin's voice came from the shadow. "I'm not dead. Sorry to disappoint."
Time stopped, and everything spun around her. She gripped the window sill to keep herself from falling. "You idiot," she whispered, hot tears forming in her eyelids. "You idiot," she repeated even quieter than before.
She had forgotten all about her headache. It must have faded with shock. Her heart raced in her chest, and her hand itched to slap the sense into him.
"Do you have any idea how worried Iâwe have been?" she heard her voice rising and could do nothing to stop it. Her pulse beat in her ears, drowning out any other sound. "You just come in here, unannounced, with a nonchalant hi? That's so . . . irresponsible. I can'tâ"
"Next time, I'll start with 'I'm not dead,' alright?"
She gaped at him, feeling her mouth open and close with disbelief. "Yeah? Good!" she almost came dangerously close to shouting and felt her cheeks redden at the realization.
"Good."
"You're okay," she said and let out a breath of relief, realizing how terribly tense she had been with worry. Aurelie closed her eyes to stop herself from crying.
"Of course, I am. You don't have to worry. Everything is fine."
"But I do worry, Kirin," she said and opened her eyes. He was right in front of her. That startled her, and she took a step back without thinking. She hadn't heard him move at all. "I . . ."
"Father had other things on his mind."
"Is that why you're here? Do we have to be worried?" she asked.
"No, it's nothing."
"Okay."
A candle stuck out through his thigh. Aurelie looked down and saw him follow her gaze shortly after.
"You learned how to use it. Fantastic timing," he said. "Although, it would have been a tiny bit better if you managed before you set me on fireâtwice."
Guilt filled her. She knew he meant it as a joke, but the last few days without hearing a word from him had been some of the hardest that she's had to live through. She lowered her head and straightened her dress. "Iâ" she said, biting her lip. "I'm so sorry."
"Aurelie," he huffed a short laugh, "I was just teasing. When did you manage it?" he asked, his voice gentle now.
"Almost after you left, I wanted to show you butâ" she cut off. It sounded like the beginning of an attempt to make him feel guilty, but manipulation had never been something that she resorted to. The things in her head hardly made sense when she was around him. Maybe it had been manipulation. Who knows? She realized with a tinge of guilt that she would do anything to make him stay.
Silence followed. Did they really have nothing to say? The only thing on her mind the last couple of days was him. The only thing coming near it was strengthening her magic, and that too was mostly due to almost getting him killed. Aurelie pulled her lower lip between her teeth and rocked back and forth on her heels.
"Have you been well?" he asked.
She nodded, wishing that he was here entirely. His eyes were hidden from her, and she so terribly loved how blue they were. Her chest hurt at not being able to see them.
"Everything here?"
"Fine," she lied. The truth would end in a long-drawn-out scolding, and these calm moments between them were as rare as they'd come. She didn't want him to turn against her just yet. He would find out eventually. "There?"
"Yeah, it's been okay."
"Good," she nodded. "That's great."
"So, how have you really been?"
She turned to him sharply, trying to find something close to an expression from his shadow. It had almost seemed strange not being in an argument with him, so much so that she forgot how to act properly. "Worried," she said, letting out a deep breath. "In pain. In a lot of bloody pain, Kirin Donahue."
There was a liberation that accompanied admitting her feelings to him, even if just a little.
"About me?" he asked, his voice coated with smugness.
Aurelie turned her face, hiding a smile. "You're an idiot," she said, shaking her head.
"Why?"
"Are you going to make me say it?"
"Yes!" his voice was direct and rough.
"Okay," she took a breath and looked down briefly at her feet before looking up again at what she guessed were his eyes. "I'm in love with you, so I worry every single day while you are away because if something were to ever happen to you, I would not survive it. Even though you aren't mine. I'd not survive it." Tears escaped her lips and dripped down her cheeks one after the other. "God," she gripped her chest with a shaking hand, "I'm on fire."
"You understand that I had to go, right? I did not have a choice. I agreed to stay at the castle as long as no one suspected me of anything. And my father won't hurt me either way. At least, I don't think so. I'm all he has, and for a man like that, legacy is everything. You understand that I had to go back, right?"
Aurelie rolled the hem of her dress around her finger and looked out the window. "I try." She sighed. "But, I'd rather not have to."
He stood and dragged his fingers rolled over his head. "You're making this difficult," he said and turned to the window.
She didn't want to do that. She wanted things to be easy for him, and it should have been. He should have stayed there with her. That should have been easy.
"I don't know how to make it easy for you. Actually, I don't know how to act around you at all. You infuriate me when you are around me, but while you're gone--" she stopped herself, careful not to scare him off, and wondered whether this was a conversation that she wanted to have. "I don't want you to go back, Kirin. Please stay here, with me. Your absence is worrying everyone. You shouldn't go."
"I doubt they are worried, they've seen me go over a hundred times, and I always came back," he said.
"You're wrong. Everyone's worried."
"Who are we talking about here?" he asked and looked down.
"I just said everyone is."
Kirin nodded. "Right, well, everyone should trust me enough to know that I am more than capable of looking after myself. I'm safe. No one at the castle knows."
The candles' fire rose higher. "Well, I am sure that everyone is wondering how long you will remain fine," she stated, pursing her lips.
"This is getting out of control," he spoke after a long pause.
"So you're finally admitting it?" She stood and walked nearer to him.
"I can't."
"What do you mean?" her voice sounded whiny but damned it! She wanted to whine. She wanted something. This was like trying to move a damn mountain, and she didn't understand why it was so difficult for the two of them. "Kirin, stop. I love you. There," she gasped softly as the admittance of it and felt a weight heavy as a boulder disappear from her chest, "I said it."
"Aurelie," the shadow shook its head, "I'm engaged."
Oh.
The air was closing in on her. She wanted to respond, to argue, but her words were stuck. She turned to the window, her ears buzzing and her knees shaking under her weight.
"I think I'm going to go," he said.
"Already?" Her body was failing her. Every word he uttered dragged her insides further down. "Aren't you going to see Sasha and tell her you're okay, at least?" She didn't really care.
"She knows I am."
"Why did you come then? You hardly spent any time here?" she asked, looking at her feet.
Kirin shrugged. "I'm not really here, Aurelie."
"Not entirely, but you are here. Why?" She wanted to push the words out of him. If there was nothing between them, he needed to cut the cord that apparently only she knew existed. She was tired of the pushing and pulling.
"Are you really going to make me say it?"
What a stupid question, she thought. "Yes."
He sighed and turned away from the window. "I knew you would sit and blame yourself for every hair that you imagined me losing in that castle. I came here to show you that I am okay. Everyone else trusts that I will be fine, everyone, but you."
"That's not what the answer I want."
His shadow disappeared and appeared inches from her. "Then you asked the wrong question."
"Fine, then." She narrowed her eyes. "Whaâ
"I have to go." He stopped her from asking the right question. That was clear enough.
Anger rose in her chest at his cowardice. She heard herself speak words that she had not given consent to. "Leave her. You love me. You know you do."
His hand cupped her face. His grip hardened, and the shape of his fingers started to rise from the shadow. "I do."
Aurelie thought he was going to come to her, but the next moment shadow particles exploded around her and glinted in the moonlight. He was gone.
"Damn it, Kirin!" Aurelie fell back against her bed, gasping for all the air that she had lost in the last couple of minutes. She cried, and she laughed, unsure of what just happened and what his answer met. She closed her eyes, trying to remember the radiant blue of his, and that was the only thing that calmed her that evening.