Kirin sat below the firefly tree that he had promised to show her when the war was over. It must have been 2 a.m. when he dragged her out of bed and led her to the famous tree that stood near his mother's childhood home.
At that hour, Aurelie needed some convincing and Kirin's childlike excitement did just that.
Kirin was happy, content even, with what they had together but Aurelie kept revisiting her conversation with Karah and being reminded that she needed to take a step back. The opposite of what she was doing. She couldn't be in love without guilt. And here they were now, on a bench, in front of the landmark of Kirin's promise to her.
When he first spoke of this very tree, at the inn, there was a sense of achievement linked to it. As if it would be a reward for their victory. Their travels would be pure and clear of any evil, and the two of them would be happy, with their allies safe and settled somewhere in Highfire. That's how she imagined it.
Now . . . Everything was upside down. It wasn't their victory but the King's. They weren't close to being safe. On top of everything else, Aurelie was keeping a secret from Kirin. The ghostly chill of the portal pressed against her leg even though she had removed it from her coat pocket and hid it.
Kirin, in his unnaturally happy state of kissing and telling her how much he loved her, made her think that he accepted defeat. Although he said he did not want to run away when she had suggested it, they might as well have because going to see the fireflies, to Aurelie, was exactly that.
The thrill that they were meant to feel in that very place was missing. The fireflies looked just like bulbs of light until eventually one of them spread its transparent wings and dropped down a branch. They created a peaceful buzz above them and drew pretty golden patterns on the floor with the reflection of their light. Aurelie felt her hair disturbed as one braved the two of them and swooped down low to investigate the strangers that occupied the space below their home. It happened often enough for Aurelie to stop putting the strands of hair back into place. Their lights remained burned in her eyes even when she closed them.
According to the locals, their gigantic size was caused by the tree. It was from the Icelands and contained magic unknown to any of them. That was all, of course, pure speculation.
Aurelie sat beside Kirin and rested her head on his shoulder. Is this it? She couldn't help but wonder. Appreciation, Aurelie decided, required a certain moodâor rather not having to look over your shoulder for a potential assassin.
Though, oddly the feeling wasn't as strong as she thought it should be. When her father looked at her wound, back at the pond, there was a concern in his eyes. Aurelie's thoughts knotted with the idea. Perhaps, it was because her father had looked so much like Kaiden that she expected the concern to peek through his features, so much so, that she imagined it there. That must have been it. How else could the person that wanted to kill her, show such emotions when she was on the brink of giving him what he wanted?
They had to keep their voices low. There were darkened houses all around them. Not a single light shone in through the windows. She wasn't sure what the time was, but whoever they woke wouldn't be happy about it.
"We need to get you're a dress," Kirin whispered so quietly that she could barely hear him and wrapped his arm around her. "A pretty one with frills and lots of layers."
"For what?" she asked and saw Kirin's face instantly fall. "I'm sorry. Of course. The wedding. Of course." All she'd done the last couple of days was think of the ceremony and it was exactly that which made her stop doing so. After it, she'd have to turn the portal alone and leave him. A lot of things had been circling her mind.
Kirin leaned his head back and the flicker of the fireflies reflected in his eyes. "Do you know why I love this place so much?" he asked her.
Aurelie shook her head and narrowed her eyes while waiting for him to respond to her.
"Because there's no explanation. I know my origin, odd as it may be, and yours but the tree had been here for years before these creatures just appeared and then suddenly they grew and grew. I used to collect the leaves, and eat them. Hoping to grow bigger too." He smiled at her and she smiled back, pushing her cheek up against his shoulder. "Never happened, at least, I don't think."
Aurelie leaned closer into his embrace. "So you love them because you don't understand them?" she asked, wondering where he was going to take this.
Kirin squeezed put a hand on her knee and pulled it a little closer until it touched his leg. "No, because there are two ways to appreciate them. Love them simply and appreciate their mystery or love them harshly and investigate the reason for their size and their origin, disturb them, move them and potentially destroy them."
"What does that have to do with us?" This was the version of Kirin that Aurelie fought to release but now that she had it for an odd couple of days, she realized that it wasn't the one she needed.
"A lot, I think." He shrugged. "There are a hundred reasons for why the two of us should be knee deep in misery right now and only one for why we should be happy."
"Because we're in love."
"Because we're in love." He smiled. "And that's all there is."
That last part got to her. The spark that set the fire. She didn't know quite how mad she was until an animalistic growl formed in her throat and she had to use her remaining strength to suppress it. She interlaced her fingers and squeezed until her knuckles turned white. "I can't sit with doom on my mind, while you're out picking flowers so that I could have a fresh bouquet in the morning. I need you to be strong."
Kirin shook his head. Hopefully, Aurelie thought, that it would shake his brain back into place.
"I don't know what you want from me," he said.
Aurelie scratched her head, fighting against the urge to pull some out, and glared at him. "I want," she pursed her lips and tapped her fist on her knee. "I want you to love me but I want you to also hate him. This here, it isn't you!"
Kirin jumped to his feet. "Have you lost your mind?" He put on half a smile and reached for his head, halted, then pointed both his hands at her. "You wanted this." His smile faded before he finished the last word. "You said we'd keep it happy until Daerious and Orken arrived. I've been very happy, thank you very much, as per your request." He dropped down to his knees before her and grabbed her hand. "Tell me now, what you want from me. You've had me, and you've had me happy and carefree, you don't like either. So please, for the last time tell me what you want."
Aurelie shut her eyes and ignored the glare that she knew was intended to burn through her. "I know what I said. I just can't pretend like you can. I don't know how to just be happy and forget about everything else." A firefly flew down low and almost crashed right into Aurelie's face. She swiped out with her hand on instinct and saw Kirin's eyes widen at her reaction. "Hey!" she shouted as if the creature would understand her.
"Careful!" Kirin exclaimed, irritable as ever. "You'll hurt it."
She gaped at him when a howl sounded a short distance away. God, how her heart raced and dipped down to her stomach all within the span of a second. She'd forgotten all about what happened and stood paralyzed with dread. Kirin rose, but she grabbed his hand and moved him closer. That's Leila. It was the very same howl that she heard back at the inn when the hunter was chasing her. Now, it frightened her. Kirin had just asked her what she wanted. Now, she wished that she knew too.
"I think they're here," Kirin pulled his hand back a little, but Aurelie held on firm.
She looked up and wondered if tears would roll down her cheeks. "I..." she paused, and recollected her thoughts, "I know, but if that's them..." I'll have to go away and leave you for who knows how long. "We'll have to go back to normal."
Kirin laughed. "Isn't that what you wanted?"
"God alone knows what I want, Kirin." She looked up at the tree and attempted to appreciate it. It just stood there with its moving lights, looking like any other normal tree. Aurelie felt nothing.
It was too soon. She wanted more time with him.
Will you forgive me for keeping it from you? An ache formed in her chest. If you don't, I don't know what I'll do. He pulled her up, but she had entered some form of dream-like state where her mind remained locked on that bench with him holding her while her body followed him toward the howl.
"Besides," he said, making her think that he had had an entire conversation with her that she had missed, "who knows what's normal for us now? I'm not going back to ignoring you. God knows I'll never leave your side again."
Aurelie swallowed hard and smiled, looking downward so that he wouldn't catch the guilt in her eyes.
"It was already difficult at the inn, and back there I hadn't known what it was like to have you. Had I, I don't think I'd attempt to carry on without you." He nudged her with his shoulder. "Normal looks a lot different now."
"Wait." She stopped and pulled on his arm till he complied. "Kiss me. Right now! But do it with urgency. Likeâ" dare she say it? "this'll be the last time you get to. I want to remember this place but not just as scenery."
"Are you planning something?"
"Always." That was as near to the truth that she could come. Aurelie smiled to distract him from finding even more truth in the word.
"That's a frightening thought!" He picked her up, so that her feet dangled above ground, and set her down on the bench. Aurelie wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned in for a kiss. Kirin pulled her closer and caressed her back with the tips of his fingers. He pulled her bottom lip between his and bit down softly. Aurelie swept his fringe away from his eyes and looked down at him. His eyes were closed and his lips still pursed into their kiss.
He pulled back too soon. Aurelie's heart hollowed with a dull ache at their parting.
"Shall we go before they think we've left?" Kirin asked and lowered her to the ground.
He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her along as he walked, any lower and he'd have to kneel. "I suppose you're not giving me a choice."
Any other time, Aurelie would run toward Leila and check every inch of her body for scars and bruises. But now, she just wanted to be near Kirin, for as long as she could be before fate came knocking. It had been her fault that they walked so slowly. In her weakness, she had done exactly the opposite of what Karah has advised. Aurelie had never before been so in love with Kirin and he, she hoped and dreaded all at once, with her.