James looks everywhere, absurdly uncomfortable and before I can say anything else, or he gives a reply to my questions, he turns around and runs away and Iâm too awestruck to move for three whole seconds, which gives him a lot of advantage.
âJAMES!â I cry when I finally react and run downstairs to catch up with him, the desperation making me clumsy and I almost trip once. Not that I care if I fall or anything, no one but James would see me and I canât die. Not again, at least. âPlease, wait!â I beg almost reaching him when heâs leaving the building. âPlease.â
Reluctantly, he turns around and looks at me with these pitiful eyes. It hurts, it hurts enormously but at the same time itâs so thrilling because itâs been so long since someone actually met my eyes. Since someone regarded my existence even if it was for a second. Oh God, how much Iâve missed this. I still canât believe it is happening.
James looks around, maybe making sure no one else is around. Then .he cusses under his breath. âShit, shit, shit!â
âDonât run, please. Iâ I donât know why you can see me or why you can actually hear me, but I canât remember when I was this happy. Do you understand howâ?â
My question is interrupted by him. âPlease, Paige, leave me alone. I donât want to talk to you or anyone else. Iâm begging you, leave me alone.â
âBut how can Iâ?â I try again but he shakes his head.
âLeave me alone. Donât you understand those words? Iâm busy and contrary to you, I am alive and I need to do my assignments. I have deadlines hanging on me and I canât afford to flunk my classes,â he tells me and I feel terrible. âI shouldâve known better. No wonder why you never worked I thought you were just⦠ugh!â he groans before running his hands over his dreads. I notice they are shorter than the first time I saw him, which means maybe he cut them. I also notice his hair is lighter than I first saw. Not just plain brown but like dirty blond and now the dreads reach past his shoulders. He keeps them tied at his nape, with another dread surrounding them all like an elastic band. Heâs normally wearing the hood up or with a beanie, but with the frustration now he has pulled the hood down. I also notice his eyes today are bluer than usual and I wonder if itâs because, miraculously, the sun is shining right now, although there are many dark clouds around and itâs clear this wonât last.
âI know but this⦠itâs just that⦠donât you know what itâs like having no one to talk? Ever?â
âI donât but I wish I knew. You seem incapable of understanding that I donât wanna talk. Leave me alone!â he yells and I blink in surprise, trying to keep my expression neutral.
I canât cry. I feel like crying and all that, but I canât physically cry. Iâm dead, after all. Iâm stuck as I died, with the same clothes, the same hair and the same body fluids. I canât cry, I canât bleed, I canât anything. I just⦠exist. In a weird way.
âItâs not nice,â I mumble and he shakes his head.
âLet me know that! Ugh, just stop following me, okay? Stop talking to me. Leave me alone!â
This time he doesnât wait for a reply from me, he just turns around and leaves with long strides that increase the distance between us quickly. I donât move. I just wrap my arms around my own body, trying to pull myself together. So many emotions swirling inside of me, tackling me from every direction.
Itâs been so long since I died. I donât know how long, I donât even remember how it happened or when it happened. My memories are scarce and they merge, making it all confusing. I donât know if what I remember happening was when I was alive or when I was dead. The only thing Iâm certain of is that the bullying stopped. That it was chaos and hell and then it was silence. No one looked at me, no one talked to me, no one answered me and I was all by myself.
Stuck. And I donât know why.
But for the first time in I donât know how long, someone heard me. Someone talked back. Someone looked me in the eyes and I canât stop shaking. For so long Iâve talked and talked but no one replied and now someone can actually tell me to shut up. Even that is glorious. Someone said my name without crying.
I laugh out loud, I canât help it. It didnât go smoothly and yeah, James yelled at me to leave him alone. But itâs not like Iâm good at listening to people or like I can let this opportunity slip from my fingers.
I step outside Block E just at the same time the clouds have completely covered the little bit of sun we had before and then a few drops start pouring. I look at the sky with the smile still on my lips and I laugh some more before I start towards my home.
I wonder why it is that James can see me. Is it only me or can he see others like me? Are there any others like me? If there are, Iâve never stumbled across one of them. Although I wonder if I could recognise one. I donât look any different from when I was alive. Iâm not any paler or fainter, I donât smell like decomposition. I donât drag chains or float. I look exactly like I did before and I know it because I can still see my reflection. Iâve seen the same girl in the brown boots, dress and denim jacket for too long, with her light brown curls to her shoulders and brown eyes.
How could I recognise another like me, if thereâs someone else like me out there? James didnât know I was a ghost until I mentioned it.
Not this again, he mumbled at some point. Does that mean this has happened to him before? The whole seeing a ghost? Could he know more about ghosts than I do? Am I even a ghost? Maybe Iâm something different, but I donât know what to call myself. I just know Iâm dead. But I can still touch things and I have emotions. I donât feel the touch of things, but I know I can touch them, like opening doors or grabbing some other clothes to put on top and look at the mirror, pretending I can wear something else. I can also touch Luna and she can see me, but sheâs a cat. I think all animals can see me. Iâve touched people and it has different effects on everyone. Normally when I touch mum she cries. When I touch any of my classmates they shiver.
When I get home I have so many questions, things I never questioned or if I did I canât remember ever finding something about it. No one can answer my questions, no one could help me out and Iâve been doing the same over and over again. I never tried to investigate more about my state.
But now something is different and even if James wants me to leave him alone, I canât. I have to ask him! If heâs seen others like me then he must know how to move on or something else. Maybe he can introduce me to someone else like me so I wonât be alone for the rest of existence.
âMum!â I call, my voice so cheery and loud that it wakes Luna, sleeping on the counter in the kitchen. Once again, Mum is already there, absentmindedly watching the telly with a mug of tea between her hands. âMum, youâll never know what happened today!â I say, going to Luna first to stroke her fur and kiss her head, playing with her whiskers for a little while before I turn around and sit across Mum, covering the telly with my body but that doesnât seem to affect her. âMum, someone saw me today!â I tell her, bouncing on my seat.
Luna jumps down and scrubs herself against Mumâs leg and then against mine. I get distracted to grab her and sit her on my lap and then run my fingers through her fur. Mum canât see me because Luna is between the chair and the table and Mumâs glance is fixed on the telly.
âRemember the new classmate I told you about? James Black? He can see me, Mum! And he can also hear me. Today he said something back to me. Well, he was mostly telling me to leave him alone because he doesnât wanna make friends with anyone, but thatâs irrelevant right now, the point is that he saw me and I talked to someone, Mum! I canât believe this actually happened I think Iâm might burst out giggling again,â I confess in a hurry and cue to my words I start giggling.
A little smile crosses Mumâs features, although her eyes look as hollow as usual, as empty and almost teary.
I think sheâs been like this since I died, whenever that happened. I try to reach her every day, hoping she can hear me somehow or feel me. I want her to know Iâm still with her, I didnât leave her or anything, but it doesnât seem to work. Although sometimes I think a part of her knows Iâm here. Like how now sheâs smiling a bit because Iâm laughing. Maybe she can hear that and remember of all those times I laughed at home.
Home. It was the only place where I was actually happy, where no one could hurt me and where I was loved.
Mum used to be such an optimistic and happy person. She always knew what to say to make me feel better, even a little bit. She would walk into my room with two mugs full of her perfect tea and would let me rant about college and how everything was so horrible. Sheâd let me cry and then stroke my hair, promising that after two years it would be over. That in uni people arenât that mean and immature and I would be fine. She smiled at me and told me I was a wonderful girl and it was my classmatesâ loss for not seeing what I had to offer, but she could and she was always grateful because I was her greatest blessing.
Iâve havenât seen her smile like that again.
I barely remember Dad, but I know that when Mum became like this he couldnât reach her. He was also mourning but he felt so alone and seeing Mum only made it worse. He left her. He left us.
âMum, maybe James knows more about my condition and maybe he knows how to communicate with others. Maybe he can help me or teach me something. Maybe thereâs a way for you to see me and hear me, too and then itâll be the two of us. Iâll always be by your side, Mum. I wonât leave you, okay?â I tell her and that little smile quivers before she looks down, her eyes lost in her tea and I can see a tear falling in. I reach out to touch her, to grab her hands, surrounding hers with mine. âMum,â I call and she lets a sob escapes.
âPaige,â she whines, more tears falling into her tea and I feel like crying, too, but I canât again.
You know that feeling when you know youâll sneeze and you are about to but you canât? And it annoys you and it hurts you? Thatâs exactly how it feels feeling like crying, wanting to cry but not being able to.
âMum,â I say and she sobs more, taking her hands away from the mug and covering her face with them, muffling the sobs.
I can only watch her, not knowing how to stop this suffering. I want her to know Iâm okay. Just lonely, but okay. And Iâm with her. And maybe now I wonât be this lonely.
âMy baby girl⦠I miss you,â she cries and I feel a lump in my throat, choking me.
âMum, Iâm all right. No reason to miss me, Iâm here with you. Just⦠listen to me. Iâm here,â I try like Iâve tried another million times but it doesnât work, it only seems to make it worse.
Do I make it all worse? But I donât know what to do if I donât come back home. What would happen to Mum if Iâm not around anymore? Who will look after her? Who would wish her goodnight and make sure she unplugged everything before falling asleep? Who could bring a blanket and cover her with it when she falls asleep on the sofa, watching old tapes of when I was a kid?
No, Mum needs me even if right now she is crying.
Iâll ask James tomorrow what he knows and if he knows of someone else. Maybe he knows of a way to communicate with my mum, to reassure her Iâm fine. Maybe thereâs a way and Iâm closer than ever to changing something. Iâve been stuck for so long but maybe now something will change. I have a sliver of hope that I didnât have before and Iâll hold on to this even if I annoy the living days out of James. Once he answers my questions then Iâll leave him alone. Iâve been like this for too long; I canât let this chance go. I donât know if itâll ever present itself.
Maybe he knows nothing, but itâs a start and thatâs better than nothing.
âItâll be fine, Mum. Donât worry, okay? Can you hear me? Itâll be okay,â I promise her, with more conviction than Iâve ever felt.
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I'm so sorry I couldn't update yesterday, I wasn't home and I didn't have access to a computer. I hope you can forgive me and I hope you enjoyed this chapter. It was fun to see how many were "I called it" and how many were "Holy plot twist!" hehehe. I love hearing your thoughts so keep commenting.
The shout out to the previous best comment goes to @strawverrie
Also, Paige's mum in the multimedia.
Bel, xx