"Sadie?"
I glanced behind me to see Ally standing there.
Jazmine and Sierra glanced at me. "We'll leave you two alone."
As I watched them walk off, I halfway wanted to scream, "No, don't leave me with her!" But I knew that would probably get me kicked out, so I held my tongue.
"Hi," Ally said, twiddling her thumbs.
"Hey," I said, looking at the floor, careful not to meet Ally's eyes.
"I'm sorry," Ally whispered. "Look, I don't expect us to be instant BFFs. We don't even have to be friends if you don't want to. I'm just asking if we can be less than enemies. So... I'm sorry."
I sucked in a breath. "I..." I averted my eyes, swallowing the lump in my throat. So I touched my tongue to the roof of my mouth and said, "I forgive you. And... I'm sorry too. I was a bit of a jerk."
Ally smiled a little. "That's okay. I hope we can be friends."
I smiled a little. "Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool."
"Awesome," Ally said.
"Thanks for that," I cracked a small smile and walk off to join Charlotte, Sierra, and Jazmine.
"Hey!" I call out happily, walking in, dropping my backpack on the floor next to me.
"Shush," Mom said, walking out of the kitchen. "Your sister's sleeping. She's been in pain all day. I need you to watch Gabby and make sure Richelle has everything she needs if she wakes up. It's just for a little bit. I'm going to the store."
"Oh," I stammered. "Uh-okay."
"Thank you," Mom kissed the top of my head. "Love you, baby."
"Love you," I called awkwardly.
Then she left. I sighed, walking down the hall. I knocked lightly on Gabby's open door. "Mom went to the store."
Gabby looked up at me. "Do I look like I care?"
I rolled my eyes at my obstinate sister. "Whatever."
"Get out," Gabby said.
"Geez, cranky pants," I muttered, walking out.
I poked my head into Richelle's room.
"Hey, Sadie."
"Hey," I said, walking in. "Did I wake you up?"
Richelle shook her head. "No." Her voice was weak and painful.
"Do you need anything?" I asked.
"No," Richelle said. "Mom gave me all the painkillers I'm allowed."
"So nothing else?" I asked. "Water, food...?"
"Stay with me?" Richelle asked hopefully.
I raised my eyebrows. "Really?"
"I know I don't ask for that a lot," Richelle said.
"You've never asked for that," I snorted.
Richelle laughed a little. "Fair enough, I suppose. But I'm asking for it now. Please?"
I sat down in her desk chair. "How is it?"
"Not great," Richelle replied. "It hurts. I've gotten used to pain, just not this kind of pain. I know my leg's gone, but there's like, this burning sensation where my big toe would've been. It's like someone touched it with a hot rod and held it there. They warned me about phantom pain, I just didn't think it would be like this."
"Mom gave you painkillers?"
"Yeah," Richelle nodded. "But it still hurts. And it's like I can feel exactly where my foot is. Except my foot's gone and it's weird."
"That is weird," I said. "I don't know how that works, but it's weird."
"Yeah," Richelle mutters. "This morning I woke up and panicked for a second because my leg wasn't there when I reached down."
I snorted. "Wow."
Richelle sighed. "I just want my leg back. Even when it was broken, at least I still had it. It wasn't nearly this painful either."
"I'm sorry," I said regretfully. Now I felt bad for swinging my two legs back and forth. "Do you want to get up and walk around a little bit?"
Richelle sighed. "I guess." She struggled to a sitting position, grunting in pain. I could see her teeth grinding together and her jaw clenching.
"You don't have to," I rushed to say.
"No," Richelle said. "I need to. Mom's been trying to get me out of bed all day. I've just been hurting a lot so I haven't."
"You're sure?" I asked.
Richelle nodded. "Yeah. Grab my crutches."
I did as she said.
She struggled to a standing position, panting.
"Are you sure about this?" I asked.
Richelle nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I am." She placed the tips of her crutches forward determinedly and swung her legs to catch up with them. She let out a little grunt of pain but moved with more ease than she had the previous day.
She got to the couch, and collapsed, leaning her crutches next to her. "Why am I so tired after that?" She looked at me as if I could answer her questions. "I've been off chemo for a month and a half. Why is that so hard?"
I shrugged. "Dunno. But you're up."
"Yeah," Richelle shrugged. "I guess. Feels weird though. But I guess it will for a while, huh?"
"Yeah," I muttered. "I'm sorry."
When we got to church the next day, all the kids were lined up and ready to hear who got solos and who didn't.
I glanced at Jazmine. Lydia had given us a small lesson to give them before starting the assignments just to see who was really cut out for solos.
Jazmine shrugged and gave me an encouraging look. She and Sierra had voted for me to do the lesson. Thanks a lot, guys.
"I wanna start by asking this," I said, my voice a little shaky. "Why do you all think singing requires a voice?"
Sierra pointed to Autumn's raised hand.
"You have to sing and singing requires a voice," Autumn said. She rolled her eyes. "Obviously."
"That's true, but not what I wanted," I said and pointed to Charlotte's raised hand. "What do you think?"
"Music in general answers questions," Charlotte said simply. "And it takes a strong voice to answer life's biggest questions."
"Autumn gave the factual side of it, but Charlotte's came from the heart, which is what I wanted," I said, smiling at Charlotte. I pushed the shakiness out of my voice. "What questions do you think music could answer for you?"
Voices talked all at once and when they were finally done Charlotte spoke.
"Or what happens when you die?" Charlotte asked.
"What does happen when you die, Miss Sadie?" a little boy named Joseph asked. He had scraggly brown hair that kept falling in his eyes.
I looked at Jazmine and Sierra for help, but they shook their heads and stepped back.
Great. Of course. Give me the hard question.
I took a deep breath and thought for a moment. Charlotte's blue eyes were staring at me intently. She didn't want a simple 'you go to heaven', she wanted a real answer.
"Well," I started out by saying. "None of us really know what happens when we die because I don't think any of us in this room have died. Has anyone here died?"
Hands went up around the room.
Everyone laughed. As they did, I racked my brain for an answer. I was about to give Jazmine the question, but Charlotte's blue eyes compelled me to go on.
"Heaven is incomprehensible," I said slowly, thinking through my answer. "Which means we can't even begin to picture it in our minds. But this is what I think happens when we go to heaven. Sometimes when I feel alone I can feel God's presence moving around me and it feels kind of like God is giving me a giant hug. The air around me is moving, but it's not cold at all. I can feel Him around me. Usually, it's when I do things I love, like singing, or when I see the people I love, like my family. I think that heaven will be like that... only ten times better."
I looked at Sierra, who quickly took the hint and stepped forward.
"If I call your name you didn't get a solo," Sierra started.
I worked with some of the kids on their solos, including Charlotte, then on our break Sierra and Jazmine gushed over my adherent and apparent genius answer to the philosophic question of "What happens when you die?"
"You did so amazing with Charlotte's question!" Jazmine said, grinning at me.
"What would you have said?" I asked.
"Probably something like 'you see a light and go to heaven where no one ever dies or gets hurt," Jazmine said. "That's what I learned in Sunday School anyways."
"But your answer was awesome," Sierra added. "Most people probably think they're too young to get stuff like that, but you just straight up told them."
"Yeah, I'll bet adults don't tell them that a lot," Jazmine said.
"Well, when I was their age my parents and sisters gave me answers like that instead of vague concepts," I said. "They didn't care that Gabby and I were young. Charlotte wanted a real answer, not one she hears all the time. I could see it in her eyes that she would understand."
"Sadie!" Lydia called, walking up. "Hey, I need to talk to you."
I nodded and Lydia took me to the far corner away from the kids.
"It's Cici," Lydia said, her face grim. "Her fever spiked and the doctors think she may have caught some sort of virus. She doesn't have very many white blood cells left, so an infection could be deadly to her. Daniel and Rachel need to stay with her overnight and they asked if we could find a fun place for Charlotte to stay."
"I can ask my parents if she could stay with us," I offered. "If my parents aren't with my sister."
"I was hoping you'd say that," Lydia smiled. "I know she'd just love to spend the night with you. She absolutely adores you, Sadie."
I smiled and sent off a quick text to Mom asking. I knew I'd be in big trouble for this, as I didn't even tell my parents Charlotte was at camp, but I didn't care. Charlotte needed this.
Me: Daniel and Rachel are staying with Cici overnight. Can Charlotte spend the night?
Mom: Daniel's daughter?
Me: Yes.
Mom: Sadie, where did you meet Charlotte?
Me: Camp.
Mom: You didn't tell me or Dad?
I sucked in a breath and didn't respond.
Mom: Sure, we'll take Charlotte. But we will talk about this later. Am I clear?
Me: Yes ma'am.
I had no doubt we would talk about this. I knew it was a risk and I would get in trouble for asking it, but I wanted to make Charlotte feel better about Cici.
"We'll take Charlotte," I said.
"That's great," Lydia said. "Let's not tell Charlotte though. She'll know something's wrong with Cici and I want her to finish the day happy."
Mom picked me up and we ran by Charlotte's house to pack her a bag, then she took me home so I could see my sister.
"We'll talk about this with your father," Mom said in the car. I knew I was in big trouble. Mom usually just handed down our punishment and yelled a lot when we were in trouble. The last time Mom wanted to talk about something with Dad was when Gabby came home with two F's on her report card.
I was so dead.