After my revelations to Tre, I feel even more comfortable revealing things to him. He listens and lets me say everything first before adding in his own input and opinions. I feel like I can tell him anything and he'll listen and even if he won't always understand what I'm feeling or thinking, he'll still say the right things to make me feel better. Tre always knows what to say.
I can't really say the same for him though. While I know things about Tre that he doesn't reveal to many people, I haven't fully been able to figure him out yet. While I have let him in and let him know my deeper scars, he hasn't opened himself yet for me. When I tell him that he can talk to me about deeper things, he shrugs it off and changes the subject. He always tells me he doesn't want to talk about it yet. He uses the word "yet," so I think that's a sign that eventually it will happen. I don't want to push or pressure him into revealing something that he doesn't want to, so I accept his answer and leave it be.
I want to know more about him, but I know it's not that easy to lay yourself out for another person to pick you apart and know what you look like on the inside. Taking off each layer of yourself, skin by skin, muscles and blood cells until you're left as a skeleton, bare bones that you can't hide behind anymore. Laid out for them to see through every single crack you have and every void that is unfulfilled.
We're both still skeletons trapped behind layers we put ourselves in to protect us from pain.
Tre's ripped some of my layers off. Little by little, he started ripping after we were first together on the roof of the library. I am now the hypodermis, the last layer supporting my body until he ventures deeper inside me and takes out my muscles and goes straight to my bones, seeing me torn open from the inside out. Seeing all of me where there's nothing left to hide. It's scary.
I feel like I'm trying to pick away at him, but he's tough and not letting me get very far. A chainsaw couldn't even get through to him. He's like a steel door that'll only open with a key that he keeps hidden, locked away somewhere where no one can ever find it. I'm going to keep trying and keep slowly picking away at him. This can't just be a one-sided thing. Eventually, I hope he will give me the key to the lock that he has on his heart.
"Can true happiness be obtained?" Professor Garret questions as he walks away from the chalkboard after writing down one word. Happiness.
The class is silent. Some people nod their heads and some shake their heads, but nobody answers.
I write the lone word down in the my notebook. Amongst my other notes that cover the first half of the page, it sticks out like a sore thumb. Happiness. I write some questions down below the word. Can happiness last? What makes someone happy? I draw a star next to the important questions.
"Show of hands, how many think it can be obtained?"
I raise my hand, along with almost half of the class, and look at Tre beside me to see that he doesn't raise him hand.
"Okay, now who doesn't think true happiness can be obtained?"
I put my hand down and Tre raises his.
"It's almost 50/50 in here," Professor Garrett states and rubs his hands together.
"So, for those who said they think happiness can be obtained, why do you think that?"
I raise my hand and he points to me. "Eva."
"Happiness is a feeling that comes from the soul. It comes from harmony and contentment of one's life."
"Is happiness a choice? Can you control what makes you happy and what doesn't?" He asks the class after I finish speaking.
"You can't control happiness because it's not an infinite feeling." Tre speaks up from beside me. "You can be happy in the moment, but happiness doesn't last because there will always be something that tries to take it away."
I look over at him and he looks at me.
"True happiness is a myth."
The sentence spoken from his mouth dawns on me and my mouth parts in shock of his daunting words. His mouth goes into a straight line and he shrugs his shoulders like he didn't just say he can never be happy. Like it wasn't even a big deal to him.
Professor Garret walks to the middle of the board and writes a question mark behind the only word on the board. Happiness?
"Socrates believed that the way to happiness was to turn all of the attention away from the body and go towards the soul. So, by harmonizing our own desires, we can learn to make peace in the mind. Thus, achieving a divine-like state of tranquility."
"A moral life is preferred to an immoral one, because you will be more able to achieve happiness. Relying on your own knowledge and not placing the responsibility on someone else to make you happy, can get you to true happiness. Do you guys agree or disagree with Socrates?"
"Happiness is not circumstantial and shouldn't be defined by someone else making trying to make you feel better about yourself. You can have moments where things are good, but ultimately that stuff doesn't last forever." Tre says. "You chose what makes you happy and what doesn't."
Neuro chemicals in our brain allow us to decide what we find happy and good. DOSE. Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin, and Endorphins. Responsible for making us feel "happy." While these neurotransmitters regulate and/or stimulate what we find happy, these can become unbalanced from triggers, trauma, or other biological factors. That's why happiness doesn't last forever. It can last for moments and years, but not forever in one single moment.
"I think being at peace with yourself is achieving true happiness," I say and look over at Tre at this moment, our eyes fixing on each other's. "Finding joy in the little things and knowing what you're capable of. One happiness doesn't last forever, but it can if you believe it."
I don't know if it was what I just said, but something registered with Tre and his mouth turns to a frown. He breaks the eye contact first and I know that this conversation isn't over with us. It doesn't sit well with me that he think that true happiness can't be achieved. Who doesn't think that they can ever be happy? I don't understand why he thinks that, but I want to ask him about it. I want to understand him, all of him, including his thoughts and outlooks on life. He makes me so happy that I wonder if I make him as happy as he does to me. I've been in my own bubble of happiness that to me, it looks like Tre is happy too, but now I'm not sure if he really is. He could be putting on a face to make me think he's happy but he's really not.
"All right, it's time," Professor Garrett says, looking at the clock hanging up above the door, and then erases the whiteboard. "Great discussion today everyone! Make sure you come ready next week to give some updates on your final projects. Have a great weekend."
I pack my things in my bag and when I stand back up, Tre's beside me waiting. I turn my lips up in a small smile, but we don't say anything as we walk out of the lecture hall and into the main courtyard. I intertwine my hand with his and look up at him, but he's looking straight ahead like nothing's fazed him. His eyebrows are crinkled and his lips are in a frown so I know that he's thinking hard about something.
What are you thinking, Tre? I want to ask him but I know he probably wouldn't give me the definite answer. If it's about something deep, he always finds a way to evade the question and change the topic. He'll turn the question to me and I'll get distracted by answering it, not even realizing that he is the one who's being evasive.
"Hey."
No answer. He's still lost in his thoughts.
"Tre," I draw out and nudge my elbow lightly in his side. That seems to snap him out of it.
"What?" He finally looks at me. His face is now not as intense and serious, which can makes me feel better. I never know how to feel when he's all tensed up, it's like I don't know what to say to him to get him to not be as intense. His tension is never towards me, but I just don't know how to handle the serious looks that he gets sometimes.
"You looked like you were thinking so hard it'd give you a headache. What were you thinking about?"
"I was," he says and puts his hand on his forehead. "I think I need some aspirin now."
His playful smile comes back and I shake my head, chuckling at him, but knowing deep down that he just avoided the other question I had asked. I didn't realize it before we started dating but, I definitely notice it a lot now.
"We can just got to your dorm today," he says and puts his hand on my lower back.
"Do you have things to do later?"
He nods. "Yeah, just some stuff. And me and Trell will be chilling with some friends."
I haven't met any of his friends yet besides Trell. I know it's still early in our relationship but he has met Reina, who's pretty much my only other friend besides Sam, so I think I should meet his friends since he hangs out with them almost everyday. Meeting friends is an important step in a relationship right?
"Will I ever get to meet any of your friends?"
"You've already met one." He shrugs.
I roll my eyes. "Trell does not count. You guys are roommates and I met him before I even knew who you were."
He cackles and runs his hand over his hair. "Trell is the only important one I'd want you to meet. Nobody else matters, okay?"
Evasive. Again. I have so many questions and nothing ever gets answered. Maybe I'm being too picky and too nosy, but I just want to know more about him and his life. I still feel like I'm on chapter one with him and can't get through anything else.
We get to my dorm and Sam isn't in the room yet. I set my stuff on my desk while Tre sets his backpack on the floor near my bed.
"Good thing we already have over half of our final project done since we have reports due next week," I say as I take my laptop out of my backpack and put it on the charger.
Tre doesn't say anything so I turn around and see he's sitting on the edge of my bed, occupied on his phone.
"Did you hear what I said?" I ask.
"Huh?" He finally looks up from his phone.
"Can you at least pretend that you listen to me?" I ask in a joking manner, but deep down I'm really serious about it. I walk towards him and he puts his phone in his pocket. He grabs my hand and pulls me in front of him. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he leans his forehead against my stomach.
"I'm sorry, baby." He lifts his head up and looks at me. "My mind's just been going a little crazy lately."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm good," he nods. "I've just been thinking about a lot of stuff."
"Like what stuff?" I bite my lip.
"You with all of the questions," he playfully grumbles and grabs my waist and pulls me on top of him, us falling back onto my bed. He tickles my side and I giggle, lightly slapping his chest.
"Sorry," I mumble against his chest once he stops tickling me.
"It's fine babe." He runs his hand up and down my back. "You're always so curious."
I shrug and lift my head up from his chest. "I just want to know more about you. I feel like you know so much about me and I don't know much about you."
"I've told you more things that I haven't told most people," he says.
I smile. "I know. And I feel very happy about that that I know you better than some people." I poke his chest. "I just want to know more. Whatever you'll give me."
"Well what do you wanna know?"
"Why were so intense in class today?" I can see his Adam's apple bob and he scratches his chin. He does that a lot before he answers any question that he needs to think about the answer.
"Things were brought up that I normally don't ever think about," he starts slowly, like he's really taking the twin to think about what words to say. "I just got to thinking."
"About happiness?" I ask and he nods.
"Why don't you believe in happiness?" There. I finally asked the question that's been eating away at me since class.
He doesn't answer right away. He looks at me the whole moment, our eyes locked on each other's. It's almost like he's trying to tell me with his eyes so he doesn't have to speak it.
"I never had a reason to," he says quietly after a few silent seconds. He bites his lip. "My whole life, I have witnessed things that you can't even imagine. There is no happiness where I'm from."
I take his words in, feeling like he's slowly revealing himself, little by little. Progress.
"Where I'm from, you can't go out of your house without fearing you'll be gunned down in the streets by some motherfucker. People be dying everyday. Growing up in that shit, me and Trell both were always on guard cause you never know when your last breath will really be your last."
"I didn't know that," I say quietly.
"And then losing my mom," he pauses and shakes his head, a pained look swimming deep in his eyes. "That why I never thought that I could ever be happy." He looks at me again and runs his thumb across my bottom lip. "Until I met you."
My heart starts racing and feels like it's gonna beat right out of my chest. I don't know what to say to him.
"You're starting to change things for me, Eva. You don't even realize." So much is said in his eyes it's too much for me to decode. I've never seen this much in his eyes before.
I can only smile at his words. "You make me happy too, Tre."
He gives me a kiss on the lips and one on my cheek.
"Any other questions?" He asks as I lay my head back down on his chest, listening to his heart beat.
"Do you believe in God?" We've talked about my religion but I don't know if he has any.
"I used to," he replies. "My mom took us to church most Sunday's. After she died, everything changed. I couldn't believe in him anymore. It all seemed like bullshit and lies to me."
"I'm sorry," I mumble.
"Shit happens," he sighs. "I don't know how someone can let the world be end up like this. Everything going to shit."
"I understand," I tell him and then ask. "Do you believe in fate?"
"I don't know honestly." He says. "Do you?"
"I try to think that everything happens for a reason. No matter how unfair life may seem, there is some reason why we go through the things we do." I shrug. "At least that's how I have to look at it."
"You're such an optimist," he chuckles and kisses my cheek again.
"You like me being an optimist," I jokingly tell him.
"I do." He smiles. "I love seeing how happy and positive you always are."
"You're gonna make me blush," I joke and he laughs.
His phone buzzes beside him and he quickly looks at the notification.
"It's time for me to get going," he says, putting his phone in his pocket.
We get up from my bed and after he gets his stuff, I walk him out. When we get outside, Trell is standing there with his hood up.
"Hi Trell," I say, surprised to see him out here.
"Hey," he says and looks at Tre, turning up his chin and Tre does the same.
Tre turns to me. His whole demeanor has changed from the happy and smiling that he just was to his serious, stoic face like from earlier today. "I'll text you later okay?"
I nod and then hug him, not saying anything else. He places a quick on my lips and I turn around to go inside. As I'm walking back in, I look over my shoulder and see Tre put up his hood too. Him and Trell walk away together and turn from the building out of sight.
As I walk back to my room, I think that Trell being outside and waiting for Tre was a little weird considering that's never happened before. They both were serious again, like the last time we all went out to eat at that Mexican restaurant and they became very intense and stone-faced, like all of their emotions were drained out of them. I don't know what's been going on with them and why they act like that sometimes, but maybe I'll mention it to Sam and see if she's noticed anything.