IMPORTANT. Please Read.
Please keep the comments nice. I like that there are conversations starting about the topics in this book and that's what I wanted, but please be nice when responding to other comments, otherwise your comment will be reported and I will delete it!
We're all here to go on a journey with Eva and Tre and while the problems they are facing are sad and can lead to serious conversations, please be kind to one another and don't be offensive to other's for having their own beliefs and opinions in the comments section. This story is centered around a couple who face serious and sometimes offensive experiences, and these real issues should be talked about, but we can talk about them without being rude to other people. So please be kind to everyone who reads and responds to this book! We all have different opinions and beliefs, and that's okay :)
I will not tolerate any hateful and offensive comments, especially when it's towards another reader, so please be nice and spread kindness. We all need it right now.
~Bekah
~*~
"Do you ever think about the future?"
Tre looks down from where I'm laying half on him with my chin up on his chest, looking up at him. We're laying in his bed, watching tv. It's more of a background noise since we always end up talking more than actually watching the tv.
"Yeah," he answers. "All the time."
"Me too," I reply, feeling him start to rub circles on my back. It always comforts me when he does that. It makes me feel more relaxed and I think it makes him feel the same way too. "I think about it all the time. Kind of hard not too."
I think a lot about my future, always have since I was little. When I was young, I always thought about becoming a doctor and helping people who need it. I'd dream every day about it. I couldn't wait to start, I drew out a whole map on notebook paper of my future plans, highlighting everything that I needed to get done in order to achieve my ultimate dream. Even back then I was thinking a lot. I really tend to over think things and sometimes I can't get my brain to shut off from everything that's swirling around inside my head. I overanalyze, overthink, and look too much into things. I say that makes me a more observant person since I am so focused on thinking about everything. My parents always told me that I think too much, but I can't help it when there's so much to think about. My future being the biggest thing on my mindâlike what I'm going to do in the rest of the three and a half years of college. What experiences and opportunities will I get while I'm here. How Tre will fit into this. How he could possibly become a part of my future.
It's been about two months that we've been together now and I want to think that he will always be a part of my life. He's already turned my world upside down in these few months of knowing him so I know that even if he doesn't continue to be my boyfriend in the future, he'll still always be a part of the memories and experiences that I'll never forget. But I really want him to always be in my life. I don't even want to think about him not being in my future with me. I know that we haven't been officially together for that long yet, but I was told growing up that when you know, you know and you won't have to question it. I don't have any doubts, but I can't say the same about him. I don't know if he thinks of me being in his future or if he even wants me to be a part of that. I wish I could read his mind so I'd always know what he was thinking because he's such a hard book to read. I feel like I've gotten to like the sixth chapter of his long book, but not far enough to where I'd know if he shared the same thoughts that I do about him.
From the way that he is towards me, very affectionate and sweet, I think that he does share the same feelings even though he hasn't said anything about it yet. Tre doesn't share his emotions a lot, especially when they make him feel very vulnerable. He's like a stop light, always changing and never staying with one thing for too long. In some ways, I've learned how to keep up with him. I'm just scared to admit my feelings when I don't know here his head or heart is at.
"What's in your future?" I ask him. "What do you see for yourself?"
He sighs and takes a moment to think. His hand stops rubbing circles on my back. "I don't know, honestly. I just don't want to end up where so many of my brothers did."
"Where'd they go?" I question.
"6 six feet under," he says and then adds, "or in prison."
"I don't think you'd end up that way Tre," I tell him and sit up from the bed, turning towards him and crossing my legs. "You're too smart and too good of a person to turn down that way."
He looks up at me, blank expression on his face, but sadness in his eyes. "Sometimes good people make bad mistakes too though, Eva."
I look down at him and nod in understanding. "I know."
"I'm trying to make sure I'm making the best decisions for me." He explains and then smiles at me. "Like you."
I smile too and blush. "I was a good decision?"
He grabs my hand and kisses the back of it. "It was an easy decision. I feel lucky that I get to be with you, Evangeline."
"If you keep being this sweet you're gonna make me have a big ego," I joke and he chuckles.
"I feel lucky to have you too, Trevante."
Well, it's a start. It's not full blown serious emotions, but we're getting there, slowly. I knew it was going to take some time to get to that point.
I lay back down next to him, thoughts swirling. We both go back to watching the tv but there's now more things I want to say.
"I want to tell my parents about you."
He quickly looks to me, eyebrows furrowed. "You want to tell your parents about us?"
I nod, biting my lip. "It's been two months now that we've been together. I don't want to hide it from them anymore."
"Have you told them anything?"
I shake my head. "No. I haven't even told them that I stopped reading my bible everyday."
Every time we talked, they just asked about how school was going and if I was staying on top of my classes. They'd also ask if I was still praying and reading. I would nod. They always asked if I was reading, but they didn't say my bible. I know that's what they meant, but I am reading other books so technically I'm not lying when I say I'm still reading. I'm still praying when I feel like I need to, and I read, just not the book they think I am. It doesn't make me feel as guilty since they don't specify. A little white lie that doesn't hurt anyone. I just know that if I told them the truth, then they'd get really mad and make me feel guilty. Guilt tripping is what they do best.
I hate having to keep hiding things. I'm an open book and I like not having secrets. I did really like that my relationship with Tre was just mine and ours, but eventually I know I will have to tell them, so why not do it now and get it over with. I want to tell them before me and Tre get more serious. Ripping the bandaid off and I know that when I rip it, it's going to hurt bad.
I'm nervous though, and I know that I don't need their approval to be with Tre, but I would like to have them be accepting of it. I hope that they would, but I know that's probably not going to happen. I mean, from the way that they acted when they first met Sam, I know that the fact that Tre is a different race than me will matter to them. I never looked at my parents as them being racists, but once I saw the looks on their faces when they realized that Sam was my roommate, I knew that they were not open to me being close to people who were not white. Which is a total hypocrisy, considering how accepting Christianity is suppose to be.
"So when you tell them that you have a boyfriend, but not only that, but he's also black," Tre starts and then questions. "How do you think they're going to react?"
"Badly," I mumble and sigh.
"Really?"
I nod. "They weren't very accepting of me having Sam as my roommate." I tell him, embarrassed for how my parents acted that move-in day.
"Damn. So they're racist." They way he says it it sounds more like a statement than a question. A statement that is actually true.
"They're not accepting," I say and sit up again, needing to be in a more comfortable position to have this serious conversation. "Of anything that doesn't fit in with their own accordance. They think the whole world revolves around them and nobody else matters. Like nobody else has problems and struggles."
I tilt my head down and close my eyes for a second. Tre is silent, waiting for me to keep going, but I need a moment.
"Before, when you had said that my parents and I were used to having the perfect life and thinking that we could no wrong." That heated argument in the library at the beginning of our project where he got angry and pointed out things that were true. It hurt my feelings hearing them then, but some of the things he said were really true and I needed to hear them. It made me realize how I possibly looked to other people who had different, poorer lives than me: privileged, egotistical, selfish.
"You were right, my parents are like that. They don't think of anybody else and they think that they can't do anything wrong just because they're pastors and run a church."
Tre sits up, grabbing my hand and resting our interlocked hands on my thigh. "I know that it would make you feel better if they were accepting of us, but in the end, all that matters is what me and you think."
"I know. I'm just nervous." I admit.
"It'll be okay, I promise." He leans his forehead against mine and then kisses my cheek. I close my eyes, comforted by his touch, trying to focus on the positives instead of the negatives.
Once I tell them, things will be different. I want to hope that it's not in a bad way, but with my parents, I think I already know what the answer is going to be.
~*~
I rub my sweaty hands on my thighs and I try to calm my racing heart down. I'm about to call my parents to tell them about me and Tre. After talking with Tre about it last night, I thought I might feel a little less nervous, but I am still so anxious and scared to hear what they will say. I feel like I'm wading into the strong currents of the ocean and I have two choices: sink or swim.
"Evangeline," my father says when first answers my FaceTime on my laptop. "Hello."
"Hello dad. Where's mom at?" I ask, trying to calm my voice so they won't see that I am nervous.
"She's in the kitchen finishing up cleaning. She'll be in here soon." My father replies and sits back in his chair.
From the background, it looks like he's in his study where he always is when he's at home.
"How's school been?"
"It's been good," I reply. "I've had some projects to work on and I worked 4 days this week."
"You've been keeping up with your studies?" He questions like every time we talk.
I nod. "Yes, I have been. I'm still getting things done early."
"That's very good."
It's silent for a few seconds as I try to muster up the courage to say what I want to. Mom finally comes into the picture and sits down next to my father.
"Hi, Evangeline." She says with a small smile.
"Hi, mom."
"What were you calling for?" My mom asks. "We just spoke last weekend."
Typically they like to call me every other week to check up on me.
"Um," I start and bite my lip. "I- I wanted to talk to you both about something."
I feel like I'm about to throw up and I haven't even told them yet. My parents are silent and staring at me, waiting for me to speak more.
I close my eyes. Everything will be fine Eva.
"I have a boyfriend."
There. I finally said it and it's now out there.
I open my eyes and they're both looking at me with stunned expressions on their faces.
"What?" My mother asks, her eyes wide like saucers. "You have a boyfriend? Since when?"
"For almost two months," I say softly, preparing myself for the yelling that's about to come.
"Evangeline Rose!" My mother gasps. "I can't believe you didn't tell us!"
"I was scared of how you would react," I admit.
"Well-" my mom starts but my dad interrupts.
"Who is this man, Evangeline?"
"He's a Junior and an engineering major," I tell them. "And his name is Trevante Newman."
"Trevante?" My parents say his name simultaneously, but they pronounce it all wrong.
"He doesn't sound white," my father blurts out and inwardly cringe at his words.
"He's not dad." I answer. "He is black."
Mom puts her hand to her chest and her face looks like a mixture of shock and disappointment. My dad now has his jaw tight and clenched.
"This is unacceptable, Evangeline," he sternly says.
"Why?" I ask him defensively. "Because I have a boyfriend or because my boyfriend is black?"
"Don't talk back to us young lady," he snaps and points his index finger. "You're treading on a fine line right now."
"I can't believe this." My mom mumbles and shakes her head.
I can feel the guilt seeping in from their disappointing looks, but I push that feeling away since this is how they manipulate me into feeling bad and submitting to what they want. Not anymore.
"I don't understand what is so wrong about me being in a relationship." I tell them and shake my head.
"You're not ready for a relationship yet, Evangeline, and especially not one with someone like that." My dad says with venom in his tone.
"Someone like what?" I quiz. "Someone who treats me right and doesn't make me feel bad about wanting things for myself? Someone who understands and listens to me and actually cares about me?"
The more I talk, the angrier I get. I knew they would be like this, but now having to defend myself and Tre, I don't care about what they have to say. I'm swimming in this ocean with all of the currents and storms in my way, but I'm pushing through and not going to sink to the bottom where they want me to float.
"You're not spending your time with him anymore and you're going to break up with him." My mom demands.
I shrug and cross my arms across my chest in defiance. "Give me one good reason why I should break up with him?"
Let's see what they try to come up with.
"You don't need to be around whatever it is that he's involved with. He's going to change you and you're not going to be the same person, Evangeline. Soon you'll be talking different and acting different and then you'll fall behind in your schoolwork and then you'll drop out and either end up in drugs or pregnant and broke with who knows what kind of diseases he could've given you," my mom rants and my mouth gape open at her stereotypical racism.
"Mom!" I exclaim, horrified at her. "That's not how it's going to be."
"How do you know?" She asks. "You don't know where he's from or how he was raised. Those people can mess you up and your life will be forever changed."
"This is not what God wants for you, Evangeline." My father tells me. "He wouldn't want you with someone of that nature."
I scoff at them and shake my head. "You both are such hypocrites," I state. "You preach about God and living a good life according to him, but you won't accept someone who's different than you? God and Jesus were the most accepting and if you consider yourself "Christians," then you'd be that way too. You preach about always loving one another, but you can't do it too? That's bullshit."
"Evangeline!" My parents both yell after I curse. They look horrified that I would even think of saying a bad word.
"You need to pray," my father tells me. "Now. You need some guidance and to ask for forgiveness for the way that you're acting."
"No, you need to pray for some deliverance and a soul that is kind and accepting!" I snarl back, surprising myself and them for how much anger I am releasing.
I've never been furious before. But now, my body is shaking and I want to yell and scream and cry.
"I am tired of listening to your religious hypocrisy that is wrong and I don't want to hear it anymore."
I breathe out heavy and I feel tears coming to my eyes, threatening to fall down my cheeks.
"You never saw me," I then mumble and feel the tears drop onto my face. "You wanted me in your own world where you can control me and make me your clone."
I wipe some of the tears away but more keep falling. My parents haven't seen me cry since I was a little girl. I always hid it from them when I did cry because they would just tell me to stop crying and move on.
"You're so wrong about Trevante," I tell them. "He's a good man. He treats me like a queen and you want me to not be with him because he has a different skin color than me? I thought we had gotten past the racism, but I guess there will always be people who still don't believe that love is the only thing that matters. It would mean the world to me if you would be accepting and trust me to make my own decisions, but if you want me to break up with him, I'm not going to. I'm sorry, but you're wrong and I'm going to keep being with him whether you like it or not."
I feel like this is the most I have said to them in a long time.
"If you keep being with him then you can forget about coming home," my dad berates. "You're not welcome in our home anymore if you're going to be like this. And if you start flunking out in school then you can forget about that next fall too."
"I wouldn't want to go home to you anyways," I tell them, my heart breaking, but I'm not going to let them see that they have hurt me by this.
"I'm so disappointed in you," my mom declares. "We raised you better than this Evangeline Rose."
I shake my head, absolutely disgusted by my parents. "Well, I'm so happy to disappoint you guys."
"When he hurts you and you have nowhere else to go, don't come crying crawling back to us." My dad says and then abruptly hangs up the phone.
I stare at the black screen for a minute, taking in everything that just happened. Things happened so fast and I'm trying to keep up with my thoughts and emotions. I exhale a deep breath and then shake my head. My hands are still shaking and I feel all of the anger running through my body. Tears start to fall down my cheeks again and I put my face in my hands and cry.
I cry because I'm angry. Because I am hurt by their words and sad for the cruel things they said about Tre.
I knew that telling them wasn't going to go well, but I didn't think it would've gotten to the point that it did where they practically disowned me. I've never had to stand up against my parents before, and I'm glad that I did. I wasn't going to allow them to make me feel guilty for being happy with Tre. I'm happy though that I finally told them how I felt. After suffering so much from them, maybe they'll finally realize the things they did wrong. I can only hope that they eventually see things from my perspective and not be as judgmental and hypocritical.
For now, I may not have any support at home, but I don't need it. I'm fine on my own and I can do this without them. I've suffered enough, I don't need any more. I'm going to keep being happy and being the person that I am. My parents were so wrong. Since I met Tre, I haven't changed in a bad way. Tre makes me happy, and nothing my parents say could ever take away from that.
I lay down on my bed, tears covering my cheeks and dripping down my neck, and curl my knees up to my chest. I rest my head on my knees and cry some more. I'm nervous for what's going to happen now. I feel like even though I'm swimming away and fighting hard against the currents, I don't know which way to swim now that home is no longer home.
I guess I'll keep swimming until I find peace. Until I find what I feel I need. I'm going to keep the sunset in my view and swim towards the horizon, maybe there I'll find the peace and tranquility I need to push these dark waters behind me.