Songs:
Into The Fire - Thirteen Senses
Broken - Seether
Undone - Haley Reinhart
...
Is it medically possible to die from a broken heart? Has anyone's cause of death been ruled from a broken heart? Can your heart explode? And if it can explode, does it splinter off inside of you? Piercing all of your vital organs, making your whole body shut down and become lifeless. What happens when your heart feels so broken beyond repair that you don't think you will ever be able to pick up all the pieces to tape it back together again? I wish I could put a bandaid over the wound, but the hole is so much bigger. It's not just in my heart, it's in my whole body, my soul. Can you fix a broken will or a broken life? What is left once you are so shattered and left on the floor to be swept away into the garbage?
We always saw in movies and tv shows where the main characters' romance diffuses and they break up. They have an ugly breakup, saying mean, hurtful things to each other and then go their separate ways. They are shown crying and sobbing, with their friends comforting them, but they are so broken-hearted. They say that they feel like dying and that they don't know how they will be able to live without the otherâall of the clichés. We think that real life is not always like that, the dramatic sobbing and deep regret, but we would be wrong. We make jokes about how tv isn't real life, but sometimes it can be. Times like now, I wish I had watched more tv to know how long this heartbreak lasts for.
"Eva," Sam whispers, gently rubbing my shoulder. "We're going to be late. You need to get up."
I slowly open my eyes to our dark dorm room that's illuminated by Sam's desk lamp in the corner. I look at Sam, who's already dressed and ready for the day, and sigh heavily.
"Come on," She whispers and I turn on my back, staring at the ceiling.
I rub my eyes that are tired from continuously crying this weekend. I don't even move to see what time it is. If it wasn't for Sam waking me up, I would try to sleep this whole day away and forget about my responsibilities. I spent most of this long weekend laying in my bed, covered in my fuzzy blankets and staring at the wall with tears staining my pillow. We had Monday and Tuesday off for our holiday break. But the days had blurred together and I'd forget what day it was. I forced myself to sleep a lot so I wouldn't have to think about anything that happened and how I felt about it. I completely shut down and I barely spoke to anyone, not even to Sam or Reina. How can I speak when I have no words? I have no words to describe how I am feeling. I can't talk without wanting to cry, so I stay silent, pushing my emotions and thoughts away so I am completely numb to my surroundings.
I force myself to sit up and get out of the comfort and warmth from my bed. I don't bother checking the time, I just make my way around the room and get ready for class. I put on leggings, a burnt orange turtleneck sweater, and my trusty converse that have seen better days. I look in the mirror and see that I have dark circles underneath my eyes. No matter how much sleep I get, I still wake up feeling exhausted. As I'm putting my hair up in a high messy bun, I look at Sam through the mirror. She gets her backpack together quietly and once she's done, she sits down on her bed. She glances over at me and we both stare at each other for a moment. Her eyes are sad, but the corners of her mouth turn up a little bit. She's tries to smile, but stops, unable to even fake a smile. I turn around from the mirror and face her.
"Thank you for waking me up," I mumble.
"You're welcome," she answers softly.
She's just as heartbroken as I am.
Sunday night, when I was sitting in the shower, unable to move my body because I was so inside of my emotions, I remember Reina coming in and sitting next to me. I don't remember her coming into the bathroom and seeing me sitting on the shower floor. I don't remember what she said when she first saw me. All I remember is looking at her as she sits down in front of me and trying to say something but all I could get out of my mouth were more cries. I put my hand over my mouth to silence my hiccups and cries. I then felt her wrap her arms around me and I sobbed into her, my whole body shaking.
She didn't say anything. She didn't ask questions or try to understand why I was upset. She didn't try to speak words of encouragement and strength, she just held me and let me cry out all of my pain and anger. Underneath the water that soaked us both, I sat there with my face in her chest sobbing, still clutching my cross necklace in one hand, and she lightly rocked us back and forth. She had one hand on the back of my neck holding me and the other hand rubbing up and down my back.
We sat in that shower until the water started to get cold. When she got me up and out of the shower with a towel covering my shoulders, I felt my body become weak and I stumbled down with my knees almost touching the floor. A girl who lives on the floor was walking into the bathroom at that moment and saw Reina trying to hold my unresponsive self up. She quickly walked over and helped Reina stabilize me. Internally, I was so embarrassed to have someone else see me like that, but my body was so exhausted and I felt very overwhelmed like I was about to faint. My mind and body was on overload, so I couldn't speak. Tears leaked out of my eyes as Reina and Chelsea, who I heard Reina thank for helping, walked me to my room. I didn't look at anything except the bare floor, so I don't know if anybody else on the floor saw us.
My room was unlocked. When they got me inside, I looked up and saw Sam sitting on her bed with tissues surrounding her and her face streaked with tears. She sniffles as she looked at us and right when we make eye contact with each other, we both start sobbing again. She quickly got off her bed and embraced me, not even caring that I was soaked and getting her clothes wet. We stood there, crying on each other's shoulders.
I heard Reina in the background quietly thanking Chelsea again and then shutting the door.
"Eva," Sam cried out. "I tried calling you, but you didn't answer."
I couldn't say anything. I was trying to but I couldn't calm myself down yet enough to speak.
"I didn't know. I swear," Sam hiccuped and I clutched her tighter.
We felt another pair of arms wrap around us. "I don't know what happened but I am here for you guys," Reina said and hugged us both.
Nothing else was said. We stood there for a couple of minutes before I started shivering from my cold, wet clothes. Reina and Sam unwrapped their arms from around me so I could get changed. Sam went back to her bed and dabbed her eyes with another tissue. My body felt heavy, but I slowly got changed into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. Reina glanced over every once in a while to make sure that I didn't fall over or need any help. I left my wet hair down and I laid in my bed, my body finally collapsing and crying out in exhaustion. I curled my legs up to my chest and I sniffled, looking up at my friends who looked back at me.
"Does anyone want to fill me in on what happened?" Reina tentatively asked, sitting in my desk chair. "All I know is that I saw Sam sobbing as she got here."
I looked at Sam's sad eyes and my bottom lip quivered. Sam sighed and fiddled with her hands in her lap. "Both of our hearts are broken," she said softly.
Sam started to explain to Reina what happened. When Tre and Trell has gotten back that night, they both looked very serious and on edge. I was sleeping on the couch so Tre said he'll wait until I woke up. Sam was a little confused when Trell asked if he could take her back to the dorm and talk to her. When they got to the dorm and Trell parked the car, he told her about where he and Tre had gone outside the city. They went to an abandoned factory they used to go to when they were younger and wanting to get away from their neighborhood. They sat on the rooftop, thinking and talking about their past mistakes. He then told Sam about what he had gotten into with Tre and how he hid it from her for months. Just like me, she was blind sighted. She couldn't believe what he was telling her, of all of the bad stuff that he and Tre did for the gang. She got so upset, she got out of the car and started screaming at him.
To say Reina was shocked would be an understatement. She gasped and yelled "What the fuck?!" when Sam revealed everything and then sat wide-eyed the rest of the time with a hand over her gaping mouth. I couldn't tell if she was angry or so astounded like Sam and I were.
"I don't know how I didn't see it before," Sam said softly, shaking her head. "I had been around some of their friends and hung out with them. How did I not see that they were all apart of this?"
"It's not your fault, Sam," I mumbled, the first time I had said anything since I left Tre.
"But I should have known," she sniffled, wiping tears away.
"There was no way you could have," Reina told her. "They hid it from everyone and they did a damn good job at keeping it a secret."
"I was so angry. I slapped him when he tried to stop me from walking away from him." Sam looked down at her hands that were tightly clutching used tissues.
"I hit Tre too," I said and sigh. "I wasn't meaning to, but he kept trying to touch me and I didn't want him to." I paused. "And then we said a lot of terrible things to each other."
"I am so angry and hurt by this. I don't know how else to feel," Sam admitted and I nodded in agreement.
"I just can't believe it," Reina said. "Tre and Trell are or were such good guys. Why would they do this?"
"I understand that they felt like they didn't have a way out, but that doesn't mean what they did was right. I can't wrap my head around that they actually did those crimes and the police are looking for them." Sam fell back onto her bed and sighed, rubbing her temple.
"This is some bullshit. I don't know how else to describe it," Reina stated and then paused, looking at us both. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know, Reina," I replied softly, pulling my blanket up around me.
There are so many scenarios and ways that we could go about this situation. Me and Sam could try to completely forget about Tre and Trell and move on like nothing ever happened. We could try to talk to them after everyone's emotions settle down. We could take some time to process everything and then make a later decision. Or we could go to the police and tell them everything that we know. I pinched the bridge of my nose and inwardly groaned at the headache that was forming from thinking of all of these choices and decisions we eventually would have to make.
I looked at my two friends, who were as upset and shocked as I was, and thought that no matter what happens and what we decide to do, we will always have each other and that's all we will ever need.
I grab my backpack off the floor and make sure I have everything in it for class. I put a granola bar in my bag since I don't have time to eat anything else, but I probably won't even eat it. I haven't had much of an appetite recently. My stomach has still been in knots and I threw up Monday afternoon when I tried to force myself to eat more than just a few bites of my food. I don't think Sam has eaten much either. It's hard to eat when your heart is broken and your head is constantly throbbing from thinking too much.
I slide on my jean jacket and then I grab my phone and turn it on. I have been keeping my phone turned off because I don't want to see the texts and calls from Tre. He had called me and left me multiple text messages on Sunday and Monday, but I deleted them before I looked at them. I don't want to see or hear what he has to say right now.
When my phone turns on, I see that I don't have any messages or calls from him. When I deleted some on Monday night, I haven't received any more since then. I think Tre finally got the notion that I didn't want to speak to him or hear what he has to say. Sometimes I feel guilty for not even reading any of his texts and deleting them, but then I remind myself of what he did and I stop feeling guilty for ignoring him. I hate that I second guess myself and overthink things, but I am trying to stay strong. I know that I deserve to be treated better, so I am really trying. It's really hard though. It's hard trying to keep going on while knowing that you have a huge hole in your heart that aches and you don't know what to do to make it feel better.
I shove my phone in my jacket pocket and slip my book bag on. Sam slightly smiles at me when I am ready to leave and we head out of the dorm with six minutes to spare to get to class. As we walk out into the autumn morning, we don't say much to each other. Both of us have our minds occupied with our own thoughts. I realize that today is Wednesday and so I have class in the afternoon with Tre. I wonder if he will even show up today. If he does show up, I do not know what I'll do when I see him. We sat right next to each other for over half the semester so I start to grow nervous at the thought of seeing him today. I hope I don't cry any. I am so tired of crying, but I can't help but keep doing it. Whenever I think of Tre, my tears become a waterfall. I am still hurt, so I think I will try my best to ignore him in class.
When Sam and I got to our class, I kept glancing up at the clock. I didn't pay much attention to what was happening in class, I just stared at the clock, watching the hands tick by. Throughout all of my classes, I only stared at the time that seemed to be going by so quickly. As each class ended, I got more nervous seeing the hands get closer to 2 o'clock. I couldn't concentrate and I stayed quiet during class, which was unusual. I tapped the tip of my pencil against my notebook and tried to keep my raging nerves under control. After my previous class ended, I went to the restroom because I felt like I was going to be sick. My stomach was doing summersaults and my hands were starting to shake. I stayed in the bathroom for a few minutes to compose myself and give myself a pep talk that would hopefully get me through my last class.
As I'm walking to the class, I get the urge to turn around and not go. My legs feel heavy like stone, but I force myself to keep walking to the classroom. I'm early like usual, so there's only a couple of students already in class. I debate sitting in a different seat than what I normally sit in but I decide to just keep my same seat in the front row. There's only less than three weeks left of school and then I'll have new classes and I won't have to see Tre anymore. When I think about not ever seeing him again, I feel the ache in my chest. I ignore the feeling though. Maybe if I ignore it, it'll eventually go away.
I get out my notebook and folder and place them on the desk. I also get out my novel I started reading a week ago, so I can occupy myself and my nerves. I have to reread pages because I keep looking at the students filing into the classroom, waiting to see if one of them is Tre. I look at the clock over the chalkboard. I bite my lip as the minute hand inches closer to the new hour.
"Good afternoon," Professor Garret announces as he walks in and heads to the podium.
I glance over to him and right as I do, my eyes wander over to who just walked into the room. It's like everything in the world suddenly stops. My eyes meet his dark depths and I can't look away. Hypnotized in his intense stare, I feel all of my emotions come back and running though me. I force myself to break his gaze and I look down to my book, closing it with my shaky hands. I don't look up at Tre as he goes and sits in a different seat. He always sat right next to me, but now he doesn't. As I put my book into my backpack, I quickly glance at him and he's sitting in the front row but at the very end of the row in the seat furthest from me.
I look up at the front of the class as Professor Garret starts his lecture.
"This week, our last unit of the semester is on love," he says, writing Love on the board. "Love is another important and very core concern to philosophy and religion. It's been spoken about since the very beginning of life itself."
I internally want to shake my head over the situational irony that now we are talking about love in class when I just got my heart crushed a few days ago. Now that my ex-boyfriend is sitting far away from me and I am trying my hardest to ignore him.
"In a general sense, love is defined as an expansion of the heart towards another being," Professor Garrett explains, writing a few notes on the board. "It's an expression of affection or pleasure towards someone or something. Particularly, the idea of love stems from Platonic traditions, where love is a desire that transcends the physical body and pursues the higher capacity of thinking. There are a lot of issues that come up when asking the question 'What is love?'"
I write down the notes and I can feel that Tre is looking at me. I look from the corner of my eyes and confirm that it's him who's staring. I quickly look back at my notebook.
Garrett pauses and smirks to the class. "So, I pose that question to all of you. What is love?"
Love is a lot of things. It's an emotion, a feeling, a desire. It embodies beauty and passion, like a candle flame, but one wrong move and you'll get burned. One mistake and that love turns into pain quickly.
"Evangeline?"
I look at Garrett who's standing in front of me, with a questioning look on his face. I bite my lip and slowly shake my head, not wanting to answer the question, which is unusual for me. I look back down to my notebook and Garrett asks another student what they think.
Tre's eyes burn a hole in my head, so I finally look up at him. With my eyes narrowed, I stare back at him, my emotions all over my face. I wonder if he can feel my anger and sadness that I'm sending towards him. I wonder if he can see how much he's broken me.
As class goes on, Tre and I keep looking at each other. Unbeknownst to everyone else in class, there's another discussion taking place. Tre and I are having a heated a conversation without talking. Our eyes say everything. Tre can read everything of me and for the rare occasion, his face actually shows his emotions. He's frowning and his eyes express sadness. There's something else that's displayed, but I don't recognize what it is. If someone stepped between our gaze, they'd probably get hurt from how intense it is. It's almost overwhelming for me. The ache in my chest gets worse and as I look at the man who broke my heart, I feel like I am drowning again. Suffering among the crashing waves. I bite my lip to keep it from trembling and I finally break the intense gaze once I realize that even though Tre stomped on my heart and ripped it to pieces with his cold bloody hands, I still love him.
As I sit there in my emotions and ignore the class and Tre, I grow angry at myself for still feeling love for the guy who hurt me so bad. A single tear leaks out of the corner of my eye and I berate myself for shedding any more tears for Tre. I know the he doesn't deserve my tears and the whole time we stared at each other, I kept asking one question to him. "Why?" I don't know if I'll ever know the true answer to that question. I don't know if I ever want to know it. Why would he want to hurt me so badly like this? Why did he think it was okay to lie and hide things from me? Why didn't he try to save us?
The more I think about those things, the more overwhelmed I get and I now feel lightheaded. I want to get up, leave the room and not come back, but I stay, focusing on getting my mind to stop spinning fast in circles. I don't know how I will be able to finish the last few weeks with Tre so close and so far from me. I can feel his eyes and I can smell his cologne from here.
Whenever I walk on campus, everything reminds me of him. I can't go to the library without thinking of him and all of the times we spent on the roof at night, having deep conversations and looking at the stars. When I'm in my dorm, I think about the times we crammed into my small twin bed and watched movies on the tiny tv that sits on our windowsill. I haven't passed by his apartment building yet, but I know that when I do, I'll think about everything that happened there. The passionate nights where we would be tangled in the sheets with each other. All of our conversations where we talked about our dreams and desires. Times when we would just lay down and I'd have my head on his chest, listening to the rhythm of his heartbeat, and he'd run his hand down my back, sometimes twirling my hair around his finger. All of the laughs and kisses we shared at all hours of the day.
I reach my index finger up and touch my bottom lip. It's like I can still feel the way he would kiss me. The way he would gently run his finger down my jawline and how he'd always have a hand on the back of my neck, pulling me into his hypnotizing kiss that'd make my legs weak.
I close my eyes, ignoring everything else in class.
I can still feel his hands caressing my body and the light kisses and nips he'd leave on my skin. How he could ignite my body with a few simple touches. I felt high when I was with him. I was on cloud nine, never wanting to come back down.
But that's not reality.
I came crashing back down and landed head first onto the concrete. No warning, no alarm system. Just free falling back to reality and then feeling my body being crushed, my heart ripping out of my chest and my brains splattering all over the concrete. My soul left behind in nothing but a bruised shell. A ravaged carcass, destroyed by the bitterness of my own naivety.
"Group presentations are during finals weeks." I hear my professor say and I snap back out of my thoughts, not realizing that students are starting to pack up their things. "We will have two hours to get every group in, so make sure you come prepared and ready to get started as soon as the time starts."
I look over at Tre's seat and see he's not there anymore. I was so inside my thoughts that I didn't notice he had left while class was still going on. Good thing that we finished our final project two weeks ago so we don't have anything to do now besides present it. I am not looking forward to our awkward exchanges as we present our project. I just just want to get it over with and move on.
I shove my notebook and folder in my backpack and file out with the other students, relieved that the day is now over for me. Now I can go back to my dorm and not do anything for the rest of the day. Maybe I can go to sleep and sleep away the rest of the semester so I don't have to keep seeing Tre almost every day. Torturing myself with my thoughts and constantly being reminded of my pain and loss. It doesn't hurt just because I am not with Tre anymore. I didn't only lose him. I am upset with him, but I am even more upset at myself. I lost who I was. I allowed myself to become so consumed with Tre that I ended up losing myself in the process. I am upset that I fell so hard into Tre's spider web that I lost my own self. I was so focused on him and getting him to open up to me so I could try to help him. I wanted to save the broken man. He overran my thoughts and became the most important thing in my life that I didn't care about anything else. That's my own fault. There's no one else to blame but me.
I hate that I now feel so lost. I don't know where Evangeline went. She's somewhere hiding in the darkness, the cloudiness that covers my life right now. I have to search for her and bring her back to the light. And this time, when I find her, I can't let her get lost again. I have to hold on tight and never again put her second. She is my first priority. My own happiness and love within myself is most important. I realize that now.
"Hey," Sam says as I walk into our room.
"Hey." I set my backpack down and take my converse off.
"I have to start getting everything ready for the showcase on Saturday," she says, setting one of her portfolio cases on her bed.
"You excited?" I ask, getting a water bottle from our mini fridge.
"Yes and no. I'm more nervous than anything."
"You'll be great Sam," I smile, the first smile I have had in a few days.
She smiles and then frowns. "Trell was supposed to have a surprise for me after the showcase. I don't think he's going to show up. I don't know if I even want him to come."
"Well if he does, don't let him ruin your night." I sit on my bed and cross my legs. "You deserve this recognition. You've earned it. You are going to be amazing and nothing will take that away."
"Thanks Eva," she says with a small smile.
"And I can't wait to see your beautiful paintings," I tell her.
"Your portrait will be displayed, so you'll finally be able to see it."
"It better look good then," I tease and we both softly chuckle.
This is the first time we've actually had a conversation this week that didn't end up with either one or both of us in tears. We're going at our own pace, slowly but surely.
"Everything will be okay," I tell her and she nods.
"Everything will be okay," she repeats, smiling nervously.
Maybe if we say it enough times and keep on pretending, it'll actually happen.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.
Everything will be okay.