Trigger warning: contains portrayal of bullying and subject of self harm.
Elaine
"You have no idea what I did in order to get to the record room" This was the inaugural sentence that Nathan whispered slash yelled as soon as he picked up the call. With an elongated wink I pulled the speaker away from my ears, pressing it back when some limited seconds passed.
"I hope what ever it was, it won't land you in trouble" frowning I pout as I watched my reflection on the mirror of school's washroom.
"No, I don't think flirting with a nurse counts as crime unless the security finds out that I persuaded one of their staffs enough to help me with the restricted hospital documents"Â licking my dry lips I took a deep breath, I could picture him on the other side waiting for me to say something, his brows scrunched up in scowl.
"I am so sorry" I breathed, guilt consuming the part of my spirit. "I wish I could've done it myself, it's just I have no time to spare in between school. I am sorry for dragging you in this. But hey, look at the bright side you flirted with a nurse." I chirped at the latter. But still I was no were near ecstatic at the prospect of putting my best friend in danger , no matter what. But he insisted he visit the hospital instead of me. And as stubborn as he was, he didn't even bothered informing me of his plans till now when it had already been executed. Talk about being out of the loop even when the whole loop itself embroils around me.
My suggestion hung swiftly on the line until I heard him clear his throat.
"The nurse, was actually a man"
At that my lower lip pursed as it puckered slightly, so that I could stop an eruption of apathetic giggle.
"Now stop with the sorry's. I never planned on taking you anyways, It was too risky" I rolled my eyes at his big brother stance. But the impatient tap of my foot and nervous twitch of my fingers told me it was time we break in to the issue in hand. He seem to sense the same thing as he skipped on to the core instantly.
"I wasn't able to find what we were looking for" his serious utterance had a touch of sympathy in it.
"What?" I ask in defeat. Feeling the bridge of hope crumbling inside me until he continued.
"Listen carefully El. I think there's something big going on and we are just barely scratching the surface. I wasn't able to find your records, but it doesn't mean it wasn't there. I found a trace of teared up column, like a page was ripped away. I think someone was there before me. And the motive Is quite clear, there's someone who does not want us to find things out" pressing my palms against my head I started to pace around, wiping the sweat I ask him. Ignoring the thunder and tremble of fright and anger bubbling in my chest.
"So what do we do now?"
"Lay low and wait for Blakewall dude to return. He's our only hope. Any progress with His daughter?" I thought back to the week were our strict pedantic relationship which never surpassed it's boundaries. Five days, and all I extracted from her was fourteen books and it's preparation blueprint.
"Nothing" I took a glimpse of my wrist, the watch , it indicated that I have stark five minutes till next class.
"I saw Alexander White at the hospital" I paused mid step as Nathans accusatory tone was diverted towards me. But my mind was clouded with inquisition mixed with forced nonchalance.
"Really?Any idea why?" I said biting my lips, time ticking away as I glanced a last look in mirror, running a hand through my tired face.
"He was in visitors floor, probably visiting someone." Hint of irritation was prominent in his voice but I stayed silent, no idea what to or how to response.
"He was wearing uniform El. I know he's back in school and you didn't bothered to inform me"
"It's nothing I can't handle. You already have a lot upon you so don't fret upon petty stuffs. Listen, I've got class in like two minutes. Will call at night. Bye" hurrying I hung up not foreseeing his reaction to my brave but obvious facade.
It has been a week, almost. The night I saw Alex in my room. Breaking the reverie that the walls of my room counted under safety measures. And till today I haven't seen him.
How could I when I was actively dodging the whole school in general, who has taken sudden but not so much of a surprising interest over my existence. But unfortunately in a negative way.
In the previous episodes of sabotage the new girl, academy's entertainment level rose day by day. By the mention of it, Let's see what we got so far.
Being shoved, pushed and stumbled around, nothing new. This girl has p.hd in the field. But still, the practicals did resulted in injured ankle, knee and a sprained thighs.
Dismantled seat in class, my behind took the impact when I sat and the seat struggled to carry my weight after a mean time it gave up. The class was interrupted with laughter that was graceful and synchronized, rich kids etiquette's.
A mailed dead fish. Mysterious gums on crest of my bag. Prohibited cafeteria.
I've had worse hurdles and havoc's thrown upon me. It never really mattered when you blamed yourself for it. I never thought I would ever entertain the idea of self loathing to be preferable than this agonizing pain I feel knowing it's Alex who wanted me to suffer this in the first place.
Jostling my strongest face I whirled to step out of my hiding spot. Which was nothing fancy but the washroom were I find myself waiting for the next period to begin. Feels like old times
But before I can get to the door, it opens from the other side as three girls step in. I grunt a curse softly as I recognized their face immediately. They were on top of my bully chain, so It was constant that I have had the honor of being on the end of their hysterics.
Though I don't even know their name I usually found myself labeling them with one that I made up, the one in the middle with her golden embellish and white cheer leading uniform was chilli, her fire red hair was now in a high pony and her brown eyes directed at me held disgust. Feeling is mutual though.
on the right was blondie with dirty blond tassel for a hair, clad in similar outfit as chilli.
The last was crow, she was tallest of them all and had a pin straight raven black hair and bronze complexion. She was intimidating in the field of vision, But the dumb things that comes out of her mouth cringes my thoracic cavity.
"Hanging out around the washroom I see, must be more ravishing than the pigsty that you must be used to" chillies words poured over like a stream of water, balanced and light. But enigmatically sharp and hostile. Ignoring her futile attempt at insulting me I tried walking past them when crows hands came out and grabbed my wrist ,pushing me back, her manicured nails leaving a mark of her witchiness.
I blankly stare at the wall behind them, my tongue grazing the top of my teeth. Wasting my time as the period skipped by, I blink back at them only when they start talking again.
"Lets see what we can do with you today" chillies piercing eyes roams over my body, her lips twitching over a cunning smirk as she snaps her finger. As her aura sparkles with strategy.
I look down at the floor. Waiting for her to get done with what ever her plan is. I want to fight, help conjure the self respect and faith I had built over the days, that I know was crumbling under the people's heated gaze of hatred upon the detestable existence of mine.
But even I know three to one wasn't a fair play. And a peasant fighting a power will destroy the initial more than letting them have their way with it.
So I do. I stay mum until what she says next causes me to snap my eyes back at are and retreat a step back in disbelief and panic.
"You heard me? You ruined Alexanders shirt on his first day. So shirt for a shirt" throwing me a sick smile I watch as crow strides towards me, In a swift moment she twists my hands behind my back as i try to kick her shin.
I can't let them do this. I can't.
Tears of anger and frustration pooled my sight as blondie grins at chilly, helping crow as she strips me of my backpack and jacket.
"I did nothing, why are you doing this to me?" seething I groan In pain as the red haired lunatic tugs hard grabbing a fistful of my hair, simultaneously I feel her other hand mercilessly chocking me while unknotting my tie.
"You need to be gagged, we don't want you screaming with that ugly voice of yours now do we?" Her arched brow raises in satisfaction as the first drop of tear falls upon my cheeks, I don't know what was it in me that made it all numb. I didn't struggled anymore as I felt the neck tie parting my lips, their firmness as they bounded around. I heard the blades of the scissor reverberating through the fabric and then I hear a shocked gasp leave someone lips. And I don't have to open my eyes or have to relinquish the teasing, tempting darkness to know why.
But I do,my eyes bitter and dark. Void and numb as I see them look at me, their hold on me long gone.
Willing my trembling fingers to pull the gag away, I breathed.
"Are you happy now?" I ask, the hoarse and mechanical voice of the girl who sounded like me was nothing near what I was. The blue sports bra I wore was soaked with sweat at the hemline as I looked down, but it was the scars that was lower to it that seem to startle and disturb the barbies more. Probably not having a first hand experience with such daunting sight.
chilles gaze switched back from them to me with a wavering distress. Her small fists clenches as she grits her teeth.
"You are a freak" she spits, shuffling to get past the two girls who throws last uncertain glance at me before following her out.
I stay like that on the same spot, my legs cemented and breathing ragged and uneven until I persuade my rusted funk up mind to the changing room.
When my gaze traveled over the floor to ceiling length mirror, regression is what I felt in an instant. The bright recessed light above me accentuated every bit of the imperfection and corrupted human I am.
There was a reason I never looked into my reflection until I was fully clothed. Crop tops were out of the question. And make up could just hide so much.
Shrugging away the bits of abused fabric that was once my shirt. I trace the tip of my finger over the largest one. Trailing from my lower rib on side, escaping only at the beginning of undershirt.
A memory left behind by the days when I lost my battle with the way my mind perceived the world, but found solace in branding the control over my body, till the point when I started enjoying the pain.
Today there was no running or hiding from what I was. I wanted to cry, bawl my eyes out at what I have become. A disgrace to the life my parents wished for me to have. A failure.
Suddenly I felt the door to washroom bang open as I closed the one I was in a reflex. I heard the steps echo as the person walked in. And then there was a distressed voice calling out.
"Elaine?" My mouth parted in confusion as Edmund hollered once again when I didn't replied, expecting him to leave once he miraculously believes that I am not here.
"Elaine, I know you are in there." I still don't reply, pursing my lips in denial. I've been treating him the same way as I do to everyone else. Ignore.
Though guilt was something I occasionally faced when I thought back to the night he confessed, and all I gave him was an unacceptable childish behaviour. Not once did he attempted to force me into a talk, questioned me or hinted annoyance.
We greeted mornings and nights when we crossed paths with fluke smiles. He would stand there till he was sure I was inside my room at night. Or made sure he had the attention of students to himself when P.E came around and he surprisingly volunteered to assist the coach every single time.
He knows. In fact everyone does. It was his gentle way of helping me and making sure I wasn't embarrassed because he was aware.
"Please talk to me" he was rooted now, specific to the green room I was in. Right behind the door. "You left your bag out, so I know you are in there" I sighed at my flub. The plead in his tone was so genuine that I couldn't help but ask.
"What are you doing in girls wash room?" I sounded like a fish bone was stuck in my throat. Croaked and squeaky.
"Thank god" I hear him take an intake of relief. There was a pause before he spoke again. This time it was angry and demanding that even I flinched a little. "Were the hell were you and why weren't you picking up my damn calls?. I've been looking for you like crazy since I noticed you weren't in your class" Spellbound I hear him grumble as he swears at himself for how he reacted and then continued in a softened vocal. I blinked rapidly, watching the sole door that separated us.
"Are you alright? What happened?"
"Nothing"
"Don't lie to me. I know what's going on"
"Then what's the point of asking?" I snapped, regretting the next minute as he muttered a sorry.
"Please come out, I want to see you" I licked my dry lips at his concerned request. No chance was I going out with me present condition, so I did the rational thing. Admit.
"I am not appropriate right now. I can't" I sniffed, clearing my throat. But gasped when I heard a crack which sounded very much like fist hitting a wall.
Then from the meager space between door frames above I saw him tuck something, it turned out to be his classic uniform blazer.
"Wear it" he said, but it was hard to miss the edge of wrath in his utterance as I pulled them over me. It was comically so big on me that I practically felt like swimming inside, it had the woodsy fragrance that came with it's owner.
Slowly I peeked, then stepping out completely I saw him by the long counter of numerous sinks aligned ornately. When he saw me, his tired and dull eyes sparked as he scanned me, simultaneously walking. His muscles proudly clad in the tight school shirt while his hair was a mess, as if they went through a calamity of stress.
But before I could thank him, the day finally dawned upon me. In a sick way my stomach twisted in knots as I ran to the sink, gripping the faucet in a death clutch I leaned in as I puked.
I felt a hand gather my hair behind as they soothingly caressed my back in circles.
I don't stop, not until I throw up the thoughts of betrayal, pain, humiliation and heartbreak. Since I have been skipping meals regularly without a second thought, all i barfed was acid and water. Rinsing I wipe my mouth with the napkin that Edmund fetched from the cabinet.
I don't look up as we walk, the corridor was empty as students were packed in class. I felt his sympathetic gaze directed at me every now an then, giving enough space and moment of silence for me to be grateful. Without a word we both turn to the path which would lead us to our dorms.
We were almost there, my nerves palpitates with unnerved excitement for the safety of my room when the door to the room opposite to mine crackled opens.
Alex walked out, typing ferociously on his screen but halted when he noticed our presence. The way our eyes met was so sharp that for a moment I forgot where I was.
He lowered his gaze at Edmunds blazer until a flicker of something alien flashed his features. Composing himself he looks at Edmund coldly. But the scandalous change of events was when Edmund returned his hostility with equal menace. this made it obvious that many things have changed in between them since last time we met.
The air became more hazardeous when Alex decided it was time he ended my miserable day with a decorative exclamation mark.
"I don't see what you even like in her? she looks like the one who has fetishes for wearing the boys jackets with whose heart she plays with" I gnawed at the inside of my cheek. Pressing my lips firm. Refusing to tear up at his hurful words. But Edmund had other plans as in a swift motion he grabbed Alex by the collar and looked at him dead in the eyes.
It scantily did the job of spoiling Alexs relaxed demeanour as if he had been expecting Edmund to rile up all along as he smirked at him.
"So now you are ready to beat up your best friend for her?" He chuckles bitterly as Edmund shuts his eyes, as if neutralising his anger, his hold on Alex loosens as he Shrugs him away.
"One more word Alex and I won't be able to stop myself. Do you have any idea what she's been through today?" Edmund hisses, as I watch Alexs placid shoulder go stiff at what Edmund said. His gaze snaps back to me, the mockery replaced by realisation as they take in my actual situation.
His eyes widens a fraction as he blinks contemplating.
"What happened?" He asks, his voice strained at the end as he pins me with his stare as he waits for someone to answer.
"Elaine. What the hell happened?" He demands taking a step towards me before Edmund comes in between. His back to my front, as if shielding me from the curse of a boy.
Without a warning I turn to my room. Not stopping when I hear him scream my name as I close the door behind, weak on feet I get on my knees as soon as I was near my bed table, tearing open the drawer I fumble with the bottles of pills. The one I tried so severe not to think of.
A drug so intense it erases the pain so well that you don't feel the catastrophe of being a human anymore.
And I was addicted with the trade.
***