Alex
Contentment and satisfaction.
That's what I would have felt to see her in such fragile and enervated state. To feel the shiver of her hands as they drop cold under the vice grip of mine on her wrist. At that moment I know I could win her, make her mine regardless to her willingness or not. Win her by the fear. Win her through her hate.
So close, so weak and mine.
In any other time of past, such thought's would've entertained the beast in me. But today, my eyes were fixed to the afraid and tender one's that always held storm, but now the frezy dissolved into a drizzle.
And that was enough to impulse a light of awareness within me. And with that I felt the tense and rigid features that my face had acquired, morph into a semblance of pity.
I can't do this to her, Elaine had me wrapped around her pinkie and yet she wasn't aware of what length's I could breach to protect her.
And to see her try the pursual to safe guard herself from me was rueful. But it wasn't exactly a bad thing either.
I deserved this, I made this life for myself.
I take a step back, watching her as she hesitantly brings her hands against her chest, fruitlessly surreptitious she softly caressed her wrists that at present bore faint red prints from my touch.
My curse.
The fist smacks hard against the door. A Punch always felt good, a vent. Why wasn't it working now?
She flinches queasily as the door rattles, probably from the vibration that trailed her back which was still adherent to it.
"I am sorry" It comes off cold and deep, contrast to the millions of regretful pieces that make up my heart. I still sounded cold.
What did I ever do so bad to deserve this?
She turns her wide, glassy tear strained eyes to look at the hand that I had hit the door with, that was still rested at the slammer, the pain hums, mixed with the bloody knuckles from the punches that I had delivered to a certain assholes profile a while ago.
A sight I would give anything back to not have her witness it.
"For what?" perished and inert, the small voice was hers as I frown. Her features now changing to a dark shadow of something unexplainable.
I don't like it. It didn't sound like her.
"Elaine" I call her name, a futile try to bring her back, for some reason preferring her fear to this - this lifeless girl.
"Who Elaine?" angling herself to face me back, she pinned me with her gaze, a gaze so full of everything that it was all chaos.
From drizzle, she vexed a hurricane. No storm.
The voice which I thought was dead, were the sound of destructive emotions. She was not dead, she was breaking and mending into something else.
Like someone else.
"Elaine" with the sudden flare of concern I cup her cheeks with the free hands, forcing her to look at me back with the way she used to, not this "What ever that's going on in your head, stop it. I'll make everything alright. Like before. I promise"
She blinks at me sluggishly, no heed to my pleads and then she says the exact thing that I would've wanted to hear. But they just weren't right. Right words that sounded so wrong.
"I love you Alex" She leans her cheeks on my contact lightly, fatigued to the core. Her actions sending swirls of churned emotions in me.
"You shouldn't be sorry Alex. It should be me. Because it's me, it's my stubborn heart that is so pathetic, so weak that it still loves you after all the things you did to me."
For a spilt second my breathing goes ragged as I bring my other hand to hold her face, my head ducked low as I desperately shake my head once asking her to stop.
But she doesn't.
"I am sorry that I fell for a boy who is so ruthless that he won't even let my heart decide what's good for me. Do you even realise how much it pains me to be with you, but it hurts ten times worse when I am not. What are you doing to me?" She takes a step closer as my body goes stern to the point of not being able to move an inch of me.
With slow movement she brings her arm on either side of me and leans her self in a hug.
"Why me Alex?" It was the last straw, the way her steal like voice cracked. I made use of my shocked pair of an arms to work as I began to hold her tight against me. A silent sob leaves her.
And it all comes crashing down.
Her confession. Probably one of the most cursed one in the world.
And that's when I lose it.
"No, you can't do this Elaine. Please don't" I beg her, the weave of guilt echoes the wall as I pull her closer. Her body so small and barely under her strength as her tears dampens the fabric that covered my chest, were she had her forehead rested. Compressed, like could be better of hitting them in wall of brick.
"I am so sorry. You shouldn't have seen that or deserve any of the shit I did to you. Please don't confess in such manner that'll haunt me forever." In response she embraces me as she fists the back of my shirt.
"I forgive you Alex. That's the only way to free myself." her throat constricts with the growing sobs as she says. So defeated.
"Don't you dare forgive me like this. Hit me, hurt me. Do everything that you think the worst human in the world deserves. Not just for you, but for everyone who I had done wrong with. But don't give me a forgiveness that will only leave me with an unforgiving conscience" I pull away, her grasp on me loosening at the shift. With a sparsely numb sense I caress the hair away from her tear stricken face.
She looks down, not meeting my eyes.
"Say something" I whisper, our hold barely on each other, but still there. There enough to support us to stand with each other. For each other.
"Why did you hit him? That guy" she questions tired shadow lurking upon her shoulders. Still avoiding my stare that tried reading her.
I press my lips thin in displease at his image. For some reason his blood strained shirt and bruised swollen face was calming. Still.
So I give her the honest answer.
"I don't regret it Elaine. Not even a bit" at that she lifts her eyes, looking at me through her lashes frowning. Before her lips parts to speak I continue.
"I worked hard, to be the one that could make you happy, be the reason behind your smile, to be the one to wake up beside you every morning. But it doesn't mean I can completely contour the methods I deal with people. Or at least with the ones who are deserving enough to be on the other side of my wrath. If I change, Elaine" I breath her name, adjusting the collar of her shirt, in turn grazing her neck with back of my fingers as I look into her eyes, with an intense promise "I change only for you and no one else"
In response she curls her lower lip, biting the sensitive skin with little to no knowledge of how much this lazed some immoral thoughts in spite of the dire situation.
"Why are you doing this? Being so nice all of a sudden?" Bombarding me with questions she untangles herself from the embrace, I let her.
The Truth lingers at the tip of my tongue. To tell her want I found out, to beg her to let me protect her from whatever the madness that was going on.
Does she know the danger she was in?
Does she know why?
A glance at her weary eyes and the concealed exhaustion beneath them seals all such thoughts, right now it wasn't the time. She was not in a state to go through this.
And there was one more piece of of my doubt that I had to stir off before I confront her and justify my actions.
The thoughts are interrupted as Elaine doesn't give up on it, she falters the silence between us.
"Is it because of what happened at the party?"
I feel a thunder of shame and guilt strike through me as I remembered that night. Disgusted by it I look away.
"No Elaine, what I did to you on that day is unforgivable so don't even justify that to my present demeanor. I can write you a whole novel of apology and it won't be enough" I ramble out, feeling the exact remorse that I had felt after she left with Nathan.
Alive and hurt.
I look at her to see that she now regarded me with a dusk of sensitive gaze, like I was the most vulnerable piece of wreckage to be pitied and handled with care.
And oddly I was loving every bit of it.
I can be weak in front of her. I wanted her to see what she makes of this soulless person. That she gives him a life.
"I just want you back" I whisper taking her hand and interlacing our fingers as I bring them to my lips. She takes a breathless inhale as I kiss our knuckles. Resting my forehead against them with closed eyes.
"I need time" she says as her unoccupied hand pampers the back of my head, as she delicately caresses my hair. I sighed lifting my head up as she kept doing it, helping the ache within me.
"Take all the time you want"
"And a promise"
I frown at the unconscious deranged tone to her utterance but refuse to think intense of it.
"Ask anything of me. But don't let it be the one that will leave me without you" I warn her with a virtuous cite. But her eyes casts down, a flicker of guilt.
But why?
"I'll ask for it when the right time comes. But promise me that you won't judge me for it Alex." she say with the desperation that I had never seen in her, I assure her with a compression of our entwined hand.
"I won't" I claim with not a heed to what the subject of her concern might be, she was the purest of humans and there was next to no possibility that she could hurt me in any sense other than the way I could do it myself.
We stay like that for a minute more as I selfishly bargain the company of her to make up the lost and ruined times. The silence in our favor.
"We_we should leave" she suggests as she retreats a step, but immediately her nose wrinkles, her mouth parts as she gasps in pain.
"Shit" she curses mildly looking down as I follow her line of interest.
It was her ankle that was wrapped in gauze, the powder peach bandage was all it took me to realize why she failed with the kicks to my guts when I had forcefully cornered her.
In a second I was by her side, pulling her to the nearest seat. Once she was down and comfortable without wincing or gritting her teeth I inspected the injury by unclothing the turn of aid. It was her ankle, all pressured up and dilated.
"Why would you try to run with this" I scold her as she had the audacity to roll her eyes at me
"Stupid girl" I grumble, not even bothering to extract the reason behind this. She had P.E for last period. And that should explain much. She was terrible at anything that involved moving a lot.
She scoffs muttering how she had been called idiot and stupid in a day which she certainly wasn't in any sense.
How she can keep up the sass level at my strong unimpressed raised brows on her was a segment of mystery. She certainly has changed a lot.
Be it the cute yet daunting bangs framing her face that she had on when I first saw her in the Academy since.
Or the way she had stood up for that kid in cafeteria.
And at times I witnessed her space out in a manner as if her own thoughts scared her.
What is happening to her?
What's goes on that savant mind of hers?
What is she hiding?
So many questions and not the appropriate time.
Physical and mental morphing, I see her go through it. But before I could contemplate if it was for good or not, she already has passed through an another stage of it.
A faint difference. But more complex.
As soon as I adjusted her aid she began wiggling her toes as if in test, and then she got up.
"What are you doing? I clamp my hands upon her shoulder as I force her to the chair.
"Getting up" stubbornly she answers as if she was amused at the stupidity of my question.
"Oh no you're not, Not on your feet. Let me carry you to the dorm"
She arch's a brow "Your feet? As in my feet. I can do whatever with it. I am walking." She gets up, her lips pursed as she takes few steps without limping or staggering.
But the rapid blinking of her eyes gave away her failed remedy.
So I try another card.
"I totally agree with you, your feet does have mind of there own. Similar to those knees, one of them even had the privilege of kicking something which is really precious to me" amused I watched her frown, and if a look of deliberate recognition and realization dawn on her, her mouth formed an shocked O.
"So it was real?" She exclaimes" I really did kicked them. It wasn't a dream?" She places the back of her hand to her forehead as if checking her own temperature.
"You thought it was all a dream?" I ask, the amusement melting off my face to leave behind a trail of offense.
She nods distracted.
I took that as a chance to wheel her focus to me.
"You also tried to feel my abs that night. And told me that I looked exactly like the super model. What was his name again?" I contorted my face into a deep act of pondering as her eyes widened with each second. "Ah, Lucky Brown Smith. That's who you mentioned"
Drop dead silence.
"It's Blue"
"What?"
"His name. It's Lucky Blue Smith" she said in her small voice, she looked like a scared and conveniently shocked kitten who had seen her tail for the very first time.
"I am sorry if I harassed you. My intentions were high of an accidental pineapple cake with weed that night" I smiled at her as she pouted with a nod. A slow blush creeping over her cheeks.
"I was kidding baby, nothing of that sort happened. Except for the kick part" my lips twitched at the memory, it indeed was painful. But the fuming disbelief in her made it worth, As she marched in my direction angry regardless to my smile.
But it soon dropped as she walked away, I stood there frowning as she opened the door beside me and left.
With a grunt of profanity I pulled the lever to see that she had grabbed her backpack that had suffered a fall outside the class as a result of the little of my regretful manhandling and her adventures.
She turned the to other direction and unconsciously limped a step or two as she reached down for her shoe that was on the floor as well.
I could only imagine the thoughts of a person who had the misfortune of a stroll through this hallway.
The immoral thoughts riled up when Elaine attained her shoe up, but my gaze stubbornly stayed, not a bit wavering from her legs.
The uniform skirt doing a phenomenal job of making it appear more longer than usual. A series of wild and crucial emotions Is all I feel. Has been after that kiss.
It was safe to say that Alexander White was whipped and he had no shame to admit that his love for his girl was no more innocent as before.
"Alex"
"Yeah" still appreciating those legs.
"Look the other way right. now" She hisses, her face flushed and eyes large in disbelief. I smirk leaning my side to the door sill with arms crossed.
"No" I mouth as she gapes squinting her eyes "Good thing you don't wear skirts that often. Or else trust me. My thoughts aren't exactly that of a saint"
I catch the shoe that was hurled to knock some sense into my head with one hand.
She doesn't argue when I offer to carry her again. Bridal style as the girls call it.
I left the disturbing way she weighed so less,Barely. For later. I would know since I wasn't as muscular as Edmund and her being so light even for my arms left me more concerned.
When we entered Elite, specific to the entranceway towards our dorm I groan inwardly as I spot Lee outside his, punching in the numbers as if he was evaluating the durability of those key pads.
When his ears picks up our presence he whirls in an striking speed. His way too lively Asian eyes falls on Elaine, then on me. Again on Elaine.
At last he grins the size of Russia and motions me a thumbs up.
"Hey Alex, Hey Chingu" he greets chirping as Elaine jerks her head in the voiceferous direction startled. She had been awfully quite till now, but when she see Lee, her evacuating blush hails back. In a momentum so fast that it was to beautiful a sight. Her purity.
"Lee? Hey. Uh. Injured leg?" She mumbles the end part, as we pass Lee screams faints as he wishes her to have a good day, I don't stop to acknowledge him. And in her room I help her out of blazer and her shoe.
She asks me to leave, but I stay till she's fast asleep. Which takes less then five minute as her lids kept drooping as soon as her head nestled against the pillow.
I would've stayed for a while more. But I hunch down to take her shoe in my grasp with the assured knowledge of what I'd be witnessing once I unlock this door.
As expected, Lee stood by his door frame , as on seeing me he arched up in attention, his teeth on view as he wiggled his brows suggestively. Pervert.
Borrowing Elaine's Fetish for the time being I throw the shoe.
Let's settle with the fact that Lee was never good with reflex.
***