This is the last chapter. so let me go and bawl my eyes out somewhere later.
p.s. if you look closely at the collage you'll notice a bit of whole book events in it.
Enjoy.
Elzina
A child, a young little girl, so many of them yearn and fancy, imagine what would happened if the fairy tale they watched were to ever be real. They slept as their mother read them at night they dreamt of fairy godmothers, princes and miracles.
I never did those as a kid.
My mind was sealed, compact with ideas, logic and reality that I had no time to wonder about the impossibilities, the beauty of being careless, the sense of being hopeful.
I refused to hope for something that was beyond the limits of possibility. It had always been a waste of precious life day to me.
So what promoted me to think of magic wands and some unrealistic world ritual to save me?
I used to laugh at those notions. Why do I crave them now?
Is it because I was way too happy as a kid? Or is it because I am hurting now like never before?
Or is it because the only way I could find to hurt less was to go back in time and stop all that took place?
Is it?
I wonder why it was these ruptured and delirious thoughts that clouded my mind as soon as I woke up!
Alone in a room that despite being so different was so familiar. The pungent smell of hospital, the ticks of my heart beat, the stickiness of IV and the smooth pastel ceiling.
My lid weighs itself down in a lazy blink.
I woke up to the absence of pain in my body. Lights breaths. And a heavy chest.
My head, like it was being held with a helmet yet so cottony like it floated above the pillow.
As for my emotions.
I know I was desperate to eliminate something, like a dark part. My lucid intuition kept refusing every sort of hints and specks that glided in.
My teeth jams as my hands on side seizes the sheets in a vice grip.
More adamant I keep dodging them, each image with an aesthetic of another. Each colour dilutes with next. Until I can't.
They clear up.
In line. In sync. They don't pass as flashes. It repeats flawlessly.
I had been brave. I know I was. The water was merciless, but I was daunting.
Survive.
That word. One word. I know it never got registered in my heart or head. It was only an utterance, but it morphed once the ruthless stings from ice cold river had pierced through me. I was brave. I did as he told me.
I did.
The banks, our hold on each other kept being tested by the current. It failed until we made it out. I remember my screams for help, it would always drown in gush of fall, then more when the chopper fluttered it wings, i remember it all.
I kept refusing. But the night kept resurfacing.
Punishing me and pushing me to the limits till my vision blurred and a tear made it way out from the corner.
The screams, the begging. The countless chants as I pleaded. Asking him to not close his eye. To look at me. To hear me.
My body shivered with fear and fright, as I had hugged his face, supporting his injured shoulder.
I whispered for help one last time. I could not find my voice again after that.
Suddenly the lights seeped in, its intensity too bright for my eyes to stay open. It kept throbbing as my breathing hindered. Gruff precautions and voices, alerting commands from rescue officers targeted my ears.
I laid my head upon his chest, his faint beats was like a lullaby to my cascading fatigue.
Bringing my hand to the level of my face I watched as my palm came out slick with blood. A choked sob leaves me, I finally shut my eyes as I scolded my inner self that it should have been mine.
The blood. It was mine to bleed.
Only that it was not.
Stunned, I called out for no one. Stealing minutes after minutes I laid there in bed. Dim lights bathed the room. It was night. But I knew it was a night prior was what took every little hope I had been scooping in all my life. It drained, battered and shattered me.
Twenty four hours. An approximation. The period that had passed.
I was scared.
Hours would have passed if it wasn't for the nurse that entered. Her surprised eyes stayed fixed as she kept the door ajar with one of her hand while the other balanced a sheet binder.
She left immediately only to visit me again with a couple more couterparts. Doctors and nurse flocked. Checked for my vitals, eyes and probably for some answers that I could barely conjure a sentence for.
How are you feeling Miss Winston?
My gaze kept diverting to the wall, sense going in and out of capacity to understand what I wanted and what I felt.
How I felt?
The genuine answer was nothing.
I felt so many things at once, that it became nothing. Like the spectrum, mixing of entire colours that leaves behind a slush of grey. That was it. All I feel was grey and black.
I sat. Just the position they had left me with when I heard the door open. The room was empty now, and when I saw Mike by the door. It was when the first ray of sunshine literally streamed through the window. Tiniest of line. But more than I could ask for.
The tall boy takes no heed towards the concept of analyzing. He strides in and engulfs me into a hug.
His action triggers the stone I had molded myself into. I crumble In his embrace as I hold on to him.
"It's over. Okay? It's all in past" he assures me, I even felt his kiss at top of my head as I shrink more.
I can't ask him. I was just too scared. I am terrified.
Please Mike.
Visually my vulnerability must have gave him away what I seek.
Please.
He steps backs, enough to look at me in the eye. Those bright green spheres slowly moists, but the crinkles at the side with an onset of smile was so lively that it reached my heart.
"He's okay" he pats my shoulder firmly as if making his point "that idiot is Alive"
With that I breath for the first time since I woke up.
3 Days Later.
"You finally going to see him today?" I nod sniffing. My legs dangling out of the bed. I swear I wasn't short. It was just the bed that was so high up. Like it was mandatory for a hospice to have chaise of that kind so the patient could be on higher ground.
"You were the first person he asked for when he woke up" Mike scratches the back of his neck while Nana sat on the couch beside him giddily smiling at me. I frowned as Mike adds "That was like two days ago"
"Is it?" I raise a brow as he rolls his eyes.
"You have been basically paying the hospital to lounge in this room. you could have left anytime but you wanted to be here for him, yet not see the boy who wouldn't shut up asking your whereabouts?" his brows trekked higher as he crossed his arms across his chest, casually existed as he waited for me to say something.
I sneezed.
Grabbed tissue. I angled my back to them. Blowing my nose quite a few times later I showed them my face again.
Mike wasn't impressed.
Nana thankfully was too happy that I was doing spectacular to care about etiquettes to the length that she even offered me another tissue to which I politely declined.
"I should have just told Alex that you were blowing your nose instead of-"
I narrow my eyes at the way he abruptly held his tongue back.
"Instead of what Mike?" I ask. My voice husky, my throat sore. My eyes watery. And nose, as for present not runny.
"Nothing really"
"Mike"
"No biggie â"
"MIKE"
"You fell off the bed, broke your toe and have three stitches in head. Plus you haven't showered in days so you are worried about him seeing you in such state of ill personal hygiene"
The room went dead quiet. Even Nana's smile temporarily evaporated as i glowered at Mike.
"And he believed that?" I asked, drawling lowly. Mike gulped in, his lips puckered in a pout.
"No" he shrugs as Nana sighs "Why do you think he flung the nearest flower basket at my head yesterday. One broken hand and he still uses the good one to harass innocents" he gets up after that, walking out muttering how violent we both were and how he needs coffee to put up with us.
"I think you should meet him today Elzi. The boy and you have been through pretty awful things" from side Nana begins, absence of Mike in the room suddenly an opportunity for Nana to finally voice out her opinion.
Apparently she knows what I was doing. When I myself couldn't figure it out.
My heart kept urging since the very moment I got the news of him snapping out of unconsciousness, I wasn't able to sit still after that as I paced inside the room sleepless and feverish.
Few hours later, scorching heat blessed my body as my uniquely red body could only handle that much as I flipped over the bed and demanded the universe for an answer.
The next morning he was out of intensive care. And I was, too busy holding back a sneeze when Ian had visited me to deliver the tidings of great progress.
He had been too gentle and sweet with flowers and get well soon cards. He even went as far as to narrate the power point graph of stock marketing exchange.
I listened. In my opinion he was nervous. They all were around me, too cautious as they kept barricading the actual tension when it came to cheer me up. They talked about everything else but just that.
I wasn't complaining.
Already ridiculed by the fact that I wasn't ready to see Alex, yet I longed for his comfort, craved for his embrace and yearned to hear his voice. I needed time.
Surprisingly the nightmares were now mere a chaotic mix of things that were violent on vision but too messy for me to relive it. I wasn't fighting it all. I was avoiding it.
And with it Alex as well.
When Nana left I got up, I wasn't wearing ugly blue gown anymore. In a simple pair of black jeans and read sweater I hoist my hair up in a pony. Slipping in a grey mitten that Nana left for me to don whenever I felt cold. I grab a surgical mask on side.
A walk of two blocks, few elevator turns and a hell lot of corridor confusion later I stood in front of a door. Not just any door. The door to his room.
My tongue grazed the top of my teeth as anticipation and impatience floundered.
Slapping the mask upon my lower face I stretched its bands, easing it behind my ears.
With a stern look at the beige wooden glass door, sophisticated i reach out for the lever and push it open.
The breeze from the rapid action caresses my face, then a sight welcomes me.
The sight of Alex half seated, with bed position in such style.
He had is eyes closed, but the tight jaws told me that he wasn't asleep. My observation proved to be valid when he began speaking.
"I swear to god if you are here with that god awful thing you call food . I am going to throw it in yo-"
"I don't think I bought any food here"
That was it.
That was the entire sentence it took for him to go mute, snap his eyes open and then open his mouth almost looking shocked, speechless and breathtaking in a spur of one freaking second.
I tear my gaze away from him when it was every opposite thing I longed to do.
I walk away from him to the side table, his sharp eyes on me the entire while. I frowned when I spotted the banquets of flowers upon flowers, and a pink teddy bear sat atop one.
"Who gave you this?"
My question was met with acute silence that stretched increasingly. I picked it up, examining it from left to right. Running my fingers across the satin ribbon bow tie it had.
"Who do you think?" strained and thick with so much of bottled up emotions Alex says those simple words from behind that suddenly has me weak on keens. But I kept my game up. He knows I wasn't being normal. He just was going with what I was upto unless I decide it's time.
He was cloning me.
I was knitting up more things that were unexpected to him as he silently lets me.
"Lee" A small smile plays across my lips.
I turn to him as he slowly lets his eyes take me in. from head to toe. Purely as he checks me for any, any sign of harm or illness. So innocent and caring. So much love.
Unconsciously our eye meet, I look away first.
"Come here" he says.
I don't move.
"Please"
Heaving in a deep breath I stay rooted. But then, my stuporous legs works on its own will, weaving in the space between us closer till he gently grabbed my wrist with his free hand.
"You have a fever" he tugs me, my thighs touches the frame of his bed as he looks at me. Everything seem to cease for a moment. He was too perfect to be true.
"I do" I try to pull my hand out while he boldly holds them tight. All the uncertainity and patience gone. This was the Alex I fell in love with. The one I literally fell in the river with.
This was the boy who almost died for me. He was ready to sacrifice himself for me.
"Elz-"
"Shut up" hot anger rises within me.
"Listen plea-"
"Quiet"
"Okay"
"Shut your mouth up"
"I did"
"I hate you"
"Liar"
His shirt lacked collar so I ball a handful of the fabric, with a temper so nostalgic, that ever came from him seeped through me today as i slanted him near, our forehead inched as his eyes gained a knowing look while his soft pink lips edge into a small smile.
"How dare you smile?" I anything but hissed, it sounded so parallel to the venomous spit of Mike's python but the boy on the other side of it sure did enjoyed it. I wish I could've kept my silent treatment more secure. "Why are you Smiling Alex?" I ask, so tender and soft, opposite to the hammering anger I felt a moment ago.
"Because I have a reason like you to" his reply, it made my heart do things that scientifically was impossible.
I let my eyes run over his face, for the first wise since I stepped in. my heart co operated with my mind. Gave me strength enough so that I could slip the altered emotions off me and present the raw and genuine way I have been feeling.
But the crazy part was it felt like I was reading myself in a mirror. Hope, anger, happiness, relief and love. I saw it in him.
We were not broken anymore.
No more hiding, no more delusions. No more fears. Today there was nothing anonymous between us.
"Why did you do it?" I press, my hand on his shirt, delicate as it falls to his chest flatly, It stays there as I feel those beats. Each fills me in with promising assurance. More life.
He doesn't answer. It was not surprising.
"You had no right to take a bullet in for me and pretend to be so_so selfless. You are an idiot Alex. That's what you are. Why are you like this? Why are you so stupid?" his face contorted to that of serious concern as tears after tears trailed my cheeks. I hadn't cried since that night. I don't plan on letting them empower me anymore. But some were so stubborn and entitled to be seen by Alex that it made me more confident. Being weak in front of him was confidence.
"I-I don't know" he says, husky and deep with a nod. Like he was honestly accepting the fact as our fore heads touched. I closed my eyes as more moisture gathers when he adds "you make me stupid"
"Don't leave me like that" was I going crazy to keep asking more from a guy who was already so hurt and in need for help himself.
"Not even if you force me out" he shifts, snaking his arm to pull me into an embrace. Protective and safe. It was the safest I have ever been and felt in someone's arms. I lay my cheek on his shoulder as his chin rests on mine.
In that moment, like a ton of curtains were lifted one by one to reveal each of my darkest thoughts. My hollowness, my demented pathetic paranoia was all because of one fear. I learned that when I fell in love with Alex. A paranoia of loving him in a scared sense of losing him in the deranged world we made for ourselves.
Or the one that sucked us in.
Unsatisfied and lethargic we untangle from the hug to acknowledge our faces when he frowns, asking the most crucial question that he ignored so far since I came in.
"What's with the mask?"
I cross my eyes to look at them, then like any normal person blink up at him with a straight face.
"I don't want to show you my face. I am too beautiful for your sensitive eyes" I beat the sarcasm out of my best slots as his brows shoots up. Yes, I still was annoyed at what he did. Forgiveness wasn't a game of candy crush when it comes to the forgiving ritual of Elzina.
He has a long way to go.
With much said or exchanged he lifts his index up and hooks it by the mask as tugs it down, securing it by my chin.
"God" he exclaims aloud "your nose is so red"
My lips thins more of blankness.
"Thanks for pointing out I wouldn't have kno-
He cuts me off as he leans in. he pecks my lip in an unquenchable kiss as my breath and words get sophisticatedly stuck in my throat.
When he puts some space between us, my eyes goes wide with realization. He was drugged with artificial immunity to keep him from getting sick and here he was-
"I have cold you moron and you-"
Another peck and a clear message as he whispers.
"And I don't care" with that he connects our lips. The proud air around us heated with intensity as we kissed like it was no body's business.
Nothing made sense, yet everything did.
It did when the weight lifted off us in ways unexplainable. Wounds and scars, they were no doubt had a long way to heal.
But this was the beginning of it. This was the day we began healing.
3 Weeks Later.
The trickle of water gurgled through the bowl as I squeezed a handful of conditioner in hand. Rubbing it with my palms, I inspect the task in front of me. Alexander Whites precious hair as he sat on the salon chair that we purchased online, had a team of people design it in and show us how to use it.
It had a remote to set up the height, position and so much more.
Probably one of the reasons why Alex was now able to shift himself taller as a vibrating hiss like that of a tripoid resonates. In a seat behind him I had both my hands raised up to start with my chore, now calmly forgotten.
"How is the weather up there my dear fiancé?" I deadpanned as I heard a chuckle from him.
"Really beautiful my love" he slants it back as I shake my head with a smile, the wet strands tingles my fingers until I burry them under the thick cluster of his hair. He sighs contended closing his eyes as I massaged his scalp. Soon it was a cloud of foam as his brown shades disappears into those misty fog.
He looked so delighted to be receiving the treatment.
I mean who wouldn't find joy in the fact that they were receiving a free head wash every single day?
That seem to be one of the perks of breaking one's arm and having them in casts. This was his last week of leisure days.
"This is so against women empowerment" I mutter under my breath as he raises a brow with his lids still shut and intact.
"I thought you volunteered to do this" he sighs again when I tugged a strand of his hair for acupressure purpose. I liked the sound he makes. And I am never telling him that.
"That was when I wasn't aware of your method of hair wash. One shampoo. Two conditioner. Towel dry and just a pinch of blow dry. And a tint of protein gel to make it less fuzzy before I brush them into place" I counted out, after three weeks coming to a conclusion that what I did with my hair all this time was mere cleansing. Apparently Alex had a routine.
"That sounds a lot when you put it that way" accepting he blinks at the mirror from where he could see our reflection. "Don't worry, when this is off-" He gestures at his cemented hand with a smirk "-I will return the favor. Just not out here, may be where it's actually done"
At his suggestiveness, I ducked down as if concentrating on the job in hand.
But who was I kidding?
"Keep blushing Elzina. This is just how I want my mornings"
The audacity of him to pass on innuendos kept increasing since the day we moved into the two bed room condo apartment. A decision nana and mike regarded as "wait what?". But it was what we wanted, we knew it was on rush and quiet too early of a step to take after what had happened.
The demons were gone, but the shadows still lurked. It had an impact on us as we find ourselves on couch late at nights watching the screen in silence. Cuddled up together, conscious about the unconscious way our mind kept reeling back and forth, to those betrayals, to those skepticisms.
But we weren't falling. We were somewhere in between resurrecting and mending. Floating. Feeling.
The process was contrastingly beautiful.
A week had passed till I realized that he was struggling, not psychologically though. But the hours of time he took to dress up was so unmanly.
Turns out he suffered to put on his shirt and wash his head because of sprain and the thin line crack on his bone.
And I was too kind to let him do that besides-
Looking at the glass high wall that separated the tub and shower cabin I unbuttoned the top buttons of his three size large shirt, because larger shirt had wide sleeve gaps to let the casted hand to slip through.
He wore track pants instead of jeans.
Yes he swims in his clothes every day.
But did it managed to make his appearance less hot? Yeah, no.
"It's okay"he wraps his fingers around my wrist, stopping my undoing mid rib he captures my attention. "You don't have to do this. I can manage"
For a moment I go dumb. But then I process it all. Raising a brow with confidence I unplug my wrist from him, easing another button.
"You want to do this and take all the fun away from me?" biting my lips in concentration I shrug the shirt of his shoulder. I literally heard the pause of his breath and feel the muscle tense underneath my touch.
He tried to reach out for me as I had the upper hand, turning him around I retired him of it.
It must've been the tranquility from the sleepless nights as a wolfish tenacity awakened my seductive senses that never made its presence felt. I trailed my finger ever so slow upon the smooth inked skin until it latched itself under the holding strap of his plasters. Unhooking it, I move nearest to him, on my tip toes I whisper into his ears with a voice that I am sure wasn't mine. It oozed with sultry-ness.
Only that it was.
I was that enticing sound that had told him so obnoxiously aware of what I was doing to him to-
"Go take shower, I will wait for you" then I stepped back adding politely "with your duel hair conditioner"
It was that day, and today would be like any other day.
I know because it has been a drill. Breakfast, flirt, more food with Alex wondering when he can use the gym room, flirt, make outs, more make outs, questioning why I loved him so much, lunch, then Alex takes a nap because it's a must, his medicines makes him that way. He wakes up with a bed hair to a houseful of our friends, he then frowns at them, they smile at him. they scatter around giving us company that was quiet evident Alex doesn't want. But I know he looked forward to it every day.
Just like today.
His casts was inscripted with messages that we all engraved with markers when he was asleep. I let them do it, gave them access to his room. It now had a neatly calligraphed butterfly from riley, a shakpearean quote about apples from Edmund, hailey drew an awkward smiley while lee bought crayons to sketch some lingerie. I altered it to flowers and balloons later so lee could have better chance at life than dying in the hands of Alex.
"When do you guys start college?"
His demanding enquiry was not answered.
Edmund from the counter walks in our direction with a diet coke in his clutch. Alex stretches his hand to grab when he sleathily passes by him.
"Beetroot juice for you" Lee nudges his shoulder as he sits beside him with a tall glass of red liquid that wasn't wine. It was beetroot. It was suppose to increase the hemoglobin he had lost because of the blood that left his body. That thought wasn't pleasant. So we don't talk about it.
He doesn't wrinkle his nose like he usually does when I offer him. Since we had audience Alex decides to keep his childish behaviour's at bay and ignore Lee.
Lee pouts.
Then his eyes lights up, like two twinkling stars in animated series. He had an idea. Ofcourse he did. He was lee for god sake.
He takes a sip from it as Alex from corner watched, lee grits his teeth at the sour taste but says nothing. Then he looks at me with a wink.
"Here. You have some" he offers, confused I move when he continues "but mind the fact that we'd be indirectly kissing if you drink from this gla-"
Lee barely got to finish as the glass was snatched from his hold. Lets say I hadn't seen Alex gulp that awful juice down in one go.
Then it was clarissa judging Lee hard as he bounced by the couch, Hailey cooking the dinner with Edmunds help, they traded sweet kisses in between. Mike pretended to gag and riley had hearts in her eyes. These kinds of friends were straight out of one's own prayer. I mean who stayed so long when Alex casualy had questioned them half an hour ago if they don't have life in general?.
They had shrugged and went back to doing stuffs as if he wasn't there.
Alex was never ignored this bad before.
But having friends over was fun.
But it was Jared who sat on the floor near the large LED screen checking out stocks after stocks of CDs. And he had something to share.
"You guys watch game of thrones?"
I nod at the kid enthusiastically as even Alex sat straighter.
Game of Thrones. How should I begin about my reruns with Alex as he watched the hit series for the first time?
I remember each of his reactions, tiniest of curses and quiet a lot of what the hells? As he looked at me asking if that's for real. When I giggled at the deaths and twists I saw the flicker of curious dork in making. He was addicted in two days.
But there just was something that I kept hidden- and tonight Jared had no plans of keeping his doubts to himself.
"But why are these censored versions?"
Thick blanket of silence falls.
My eyes gets stuck on Jared as my mouth gaped open like a fish. Even Hailey seem to be interested who clanked the spatula aside to witness the crime I had committed regarding the loyalty towards such a great artistic venture.
But it was Alex who breaks it with a deadly accusation as his challenging voice echoed.
"There is an uncensored version?"
At that very second i compromised, there was no way I was going to watch more episodes with him without impersonating a ripe, red tomato.
3 Months Later.
Two of us stood in the entrance way and it was nearly dusk. The bidding sunset familiar, emitting the same glow it used to in the horizon of Summersville. A town nothing like the busy swarm of city. Isolated with crowd that grew up together. I had been a temporary contribution to them. I was one of them.
Though I didn't belonged here, I was not going to run away from a place that gave me so much. Good, bad and prodigious. This was my home once.
That must explain why Alex and I drove miles, seven hours to precise. We wanted a closure.
I wanted one last memory to preserve before I leave for Havard. A new life in entirety. An adult world. A fresh beginning.
Hope prevailed as I raised my hand to ring the bell. Alex, conscious towards my nervousness simply held my hand. The tightness in my chest deflates as the beep of tune muffled from other side could be heard.
The door opens to reveal Diana.
The woman who I could never be able to repay in ways, she had been my strength when no one could. And I was blind towards it. If she had not taken me in, I don't think I would have survived the disaster that was me.
For a second it felt like black out, we regarded each other. Her with sincerity and mine with wait. I was waiting.
Then that smile, the one that made her gorgeous cheek bone more prominent was the end of that wait.
I still was someone she loved. My ignorance was a fault, I repent. I hugged her. Tighter than ever before. I whispered thanks multiple times as she ran her hand upon my head. Closest to mother.
"I missed you so much" her voice cracked as layer of dampness coated her eyes.
"Me too" I wasn't able to find my voice, it had adapted a soft, vulnerable tone. It seem to pummel under the waves of nostalgia. It began as soon as we entered the town sector, the high school, the café by the corner, the rink, the road, trees, even faces. They were intact, nothing had changed except me.
I must have changed a lot since it took Tyler wren a while to recognize me.
The bully who made my life more devastating for the fun of his friends and his balm on insecurities. The one who apologized when he realized, the one who bettered himself. I had nothing on him so I saw no reason after my forgiveness to ignore him by the mc Donalds counter when Alex had decided to take a break near the intersection.
"so you work here?" since he had his back to me, clad in red uniformed half sleeve shirt with a cap worn in wrong way, i drummed my fingers by the granite plank as confused he turns.
He was broader, taller than before probably standing at six I have to against my own will look upto him. He squinted his eyes at me, then a flap of realization washes over as I smiled. A cheeky one which was totally fake and forced.
"Woah. Wait-" he sides the bills in he was carrying aside and made his way over. "Elaine?"
"In flesh" waving my hand awkwardly, jumpy on my feet I let my backpack nestle in a comfortable position. Yes it was heavy with things, and no I wasn't going to let Alex carry it for me. He may drive the way for me, but just because his bandages were off and he can wear clothes of his customize size now gives no permit for me to burden him more.
He analyses me for a while, a smile making its way up. it was the most genuine look I had ever seen on him.
"wasn't a bit hopeful of seeing you again here" I purse my lips in agreement as he continues " may be in tabloids and Tv screen. But not in person"
Suddenly a thin tension emits from him as his easy going smile morphs into seriousness. I smile for the initial time to let him know it was okay.
"I know Tyler. Wasn't expecting to be here myself" crossing my arms across I grumble. The tired nerves from the hour's long drive tingled with cries to give it a rest.
"so- here alone? No guards or-"
He cuts his sentence off as I felt the presence of someone beside. I don't really have to guess who.
"Is there a problem?" Tyler must've have gotten over the iciness that he was once accustomed to when Alex used to be a normal high school student with a behavior so randomly daunting as he goes stiff.
"Nope nothing at all" he scratches the back of his head queasily and he was inches taller than Alex. Alex surely was a science that I could never be able to figure out.
But he was my man. And I loved him as he is.
We ordered later. Alex searched his blazer for his sanitizer. I took when he offered me. He uses them just in case if the water he uses to wash his hands were contaminated themselves.
Sometimes I really craved to understand what goes in his head.
I give up when it gets weirder Everytime.
When we left I stole a minute till Alex wheeled the car from parking area to bid farewell.
"I am leaving. I don't think I'll be back here" I rush to Tyler as he smiles, I know he was sneakily waiting for me to come back. We were not friends, but we were people who grew out from the shackles of mistakes together. I owed him a salutation.
He doesn't hug me, I don't want it. but there was some words he told that I know would stay with me forever.
"Take care Elaine, you deserve a happy ending"
I grinned as I walked back to the cherry red Audi, accepting his advice more than anything as Alex arcs a brow rolling the window down. But a perplexed smile quivers at the radiating carefree smile he saw on my face.
A boy who loves me unconditionally. He smiles because I was happy. He was contended because of me. He doesn't need a reason to smile. I was his reason. In the moment I know Tyler was wrong. I don't deserve a happy ending.
We did.
We deserve it.
We were worth it.
There were too many people who sacrificed to rise me on a pedestal, the height of it's extensiveness was when I saw Noah. He was here, watching Diana and I meet.
I saw Noah, but not the Noah that lived life. He appeared to be drained of it. The enthusiasm.
When I winded the space between us, I noticed his curly hair was longer, almost reaching his shoulders. Those brown eyes weren't young anymore, it swirled with something that imitated forlorn that was once mine.
Agitation.
Then in a wink he smiles, boyish, grateful and pure. He was for the time who he was. Noah. I tilt, looking over my shoulder to see Alex bent, crouched down on one knee by the door untying his boots, a faction of hair falls over his eyes as he concentrated on the task avoiding my gaze.
It was him.
Noah was here because of him.
How could he be so perfect that my conscience flips dazed even at his doings?
When Noah and I met, it was common to hug. But alien to apologize. But it was different now. so much has changed.
"F-f-forgive me" he breaths above me as I lay my cheeks flat upon his chest plane. I could hear his erratic fear. I smiled.
He sacrificed his brother for me. I know it was his apology on Nathans behalf. The taboo topic no one brought up till toady. The boy whose days and nights were now encased by walls of an asylum in Minnesota. I'll never see him again. But nothing could sugar coat how it broke Noah. His Brothers mistakes shattered his family, his peace.
And he was so young for it.
So innocent for the blame. And I am not going to let him suffer more. It's been months since we spoke. Almost half a year. He chose his best friend over his brother. But refused to meet the girl who he gave her a gateway to live.
I forgave him.
To move on, I let go.
That night we caught up, Diana's dinner and her baked goodies awakened so many of my weekend appetite. We laughed, talked, screamed when Noah got a loud jump scare when the horror movie took turns. Somethings remained same.
I am glad he still was wimp when it came to supernatural fright.
I went to my room that night, not planning on sleep. The average sized area that used to be my universe still ignited the hushed reminiscence. Citrus and lavender, faint smell of my usual detergent lingered in air. It became overwhelming when I began to pack the things I planned on taking with me.
Each clearance a reminder of promise. I was moving on.
This was my last moments here. When I wasn't able to unlatch the photo frame of my family, a close presence of Alex from behind eased my shoulders as he massaged them.
"Let me" he asked for my permission in silence as I nodded.
That night he was there with me. As we worked in quietness.
No tears were shed when I left. A warm breakfast and warmer embrace. A kiss on forehead with a pat on back.
I was taking so much with me that a large smile just felt right on my face. The gentle breeze played with my hair as I shifted the glass down. Halfway the coastal line, it was past five in the evening. The sky glistened with unique orange hues that were so picturesque that I couldn't help but get lost in them. The road passed by- miles after miles until I decided that there was one last thing to do.
One last confession to make.
"Stop the car"
Without a question Alex does. When i look at him he had concern written all over his features.
"Are you ok-
"I want to go to the beach"
My statement is met with doubtful silence as he scans me for any subtle hint of distress. He nods when he saw how confident I was.
The beach was empty, the marginal seaside was just an enroute and not for visiting purpose. we were unbothered as we walked, the waves first angry, twisting and turning, they danced in patterns at the suns reflection. The smell of salt and taste of humidity. It dried my throat. But not with fear.
My legs sinks on the bed of sand with each step I took.
I slip off my shoes as I felt Alex's brief attention on me. without a word he copies me as I look ahead. He takes a couple steps ahead of me as he slowly turns offering me his hand, his head ducked in motion to portray the message of how much he understands.
He knows what I was doing.
I take his hand, his thumb brushes the back of mine as the heavy wind flaps our clothes. Sweeping through hairs and teasing through souls. The wet sand cold beneath my feet, grainy yet soft. He moves, his arms firmly hugging me from behind as I rest my head on him.
I close my eyes, basking in the first feel of water touching my feet. Reaching my ankles and then leaving a shiver of ecstasy behind. Only for it to repeat.
The sunset, it casted a stream of beautiful colour's across the ocean and sky. A single shade with so many flavours. At that moment I fell in love with it all.
My life was not just about white anymore.
It was a white canvas that I desired to paint with those aesthetic patters that was life. So bold and alive.
And the boy who held me, so alluringly careful like I was his world in an entwine was it.
He was my life.
***
I don't know.
I freaking DON'T KNOW what to write. YES there is an epilogue. But this is the END. The last chapter. I COMPLETED A NOVEL.