I said, "No one has to know what we do"
[Her] hands are in my hair, [her] clothes are in my room
And [her] voice is a familiar sound
Nothing lasts forever but this is getting good now
- Wildest Dreams, Taylor Swift
Ellie and Quinn spent the whole evening and half the night talking â and kissing.
With every time their lips touched, it had felt more and more familiar. By the end of the day when they finally went to sleep, Ellie could still feel Quinn's lips on her own, the taste of her and the way her skin felt underneath Ellie's finger. They had kept it quite innocent, only kisses and tentative touches to the exposed skin of an arm or a hip here and there but Ellie had loved it. And apparently, so had Quinn.
This night had shown a whole new side of her. In contrast to the self-confident and straight-forward person she had at first seemed to be, she had now appeared nervous and even a little shy. When their eyes met after or during a kiss, her cheeks immediately turned bright red and whenever she talked, she would alter between staring down at her lap and looking Ellie in her eyes.
Speaking of which, they had also talked a lot the previous night. Quinn had further apologized for and explained her actions until Ellie pressed a finger to her lips and told her that if she said 'sorry' or something self-deprecating one more time, Ellie would never kiss her again. That was a hopeless threat because just five minutes after that, they were all over each other again.
Quinn made it a clear point that she was not willing to come out anytime soon and Ellie reassured her that she would have never asked for that. She understood that the situation was very difficult, if not outright dangerous for Quinn. Whenever there was a noise downstairs, Quinn froze in her position or pulled back from a kiss, wiping a hand over her mouth to hide what they had done. Every once in a while, she would check that the door was still tightly closed and that nobody was outside in the hallway and she kept her voice low the whole time.
Ellie felt sorry for her. She had been lucky enough to have supportive parents and she could only imagine the emotional pain and distress Quinn was in. She told Ellie that she could not listen to her favorite songs around the house, that she never watched movies including LGBTQ+ characters downstairs to avoid suspicion and that she cleared her search history after every movie she watched online.
"I think jealousy also played a role in why I was so awful towards you," Quinn admitted at some point, "I always saw how you went over to the café to spend time with Jodie and I... I was jealous. I mean, back then I didn't know that you were queer but I knew Jodie was gay and the few times I had been there, I felt really good. Because of... you know... because I knew she was just like me. And you had all of that and I didn't."
"I was jealous of you, too," Ellie confessed, "because your parents accepted your choice to just do nothing except for jobbing at the restaurant. Mine have always made it clear that I was to go to college and get a great job, preferably one that both made me happy and paid the bills. And your parents seemed so effortlessly accepting and loving. But now that I know how they really are..."
To her parents, everything seemed fine, Quinn explained. They had always been great parents, had cared for her and invested a lot of time in having an awesome relationship with her. Skiing together, playing games, having long talks; they had been amazing parents. Up until that one point. And still, her parents completely trusted her â but Quinn did not trust them.
It made Ellie's jealousy fade more than just a little bit. Granted, her parents had never baked or cooked with her like Jodie's mother had done for her, nor had they spent as much time with her as Quinn's parents did with their daughter. But at least she knew that she had their love, once and for all, no matter what she would do or who she would bring home.
"I'm sure you can sneak out some time and go over to Jodie's," Ellie said gently, "even after I'm gone. I'm sure she'll be grateful to have you help her â and you can justify it with broadening your horizon and picking up a second job."
'Even after I'm gone'. Maybe that was the reason why their conversation never shifted towards the topic of discussing their relationship with each other, only the ones with other people. It was on Ellie's mind constantly and she was sure Quinn must have had the same thoughts but neither of them brought it up. What were they? Friends with kissing-benefits? Just friends? Girlfriends? Quinn still had Dash, beard or not.
And in less than a month, Ellie would board a plane back to the US and they would not see each other for a long time, maybe even forever. Starting anything serious was hopeless. Additionally, she also did not think Quinn would want this to have an official label. She did not outright say it but Ellie heard it in her voice when she talked about being scared of coming out: Quinn was afraid of commitment and serious relationships because she feared that someone might find out.
She was not ready to admit that, yet, perhaps neither to Ellie nor to herself and Ellie did not press the issue. She was just happy to have this. And maybe they did not even need a name for what they were. This was Quinn's first time experimenting with a girl, kissing and being close to one in anything other than a platonic way. Ellie did not want to pressure her and destroy this for both of them. She would take whatever Quinn was willing to give and enjoy it while it lasted.
Besides, when she went to bed that night and Quinn had left her room, it seemed like a weird dream to her. Her room still smelled like the other girl and there was the plastic packaging of the fortune cookies still on her night stand but now it appeared almost surreal. Who knew if tomorrow, Quinn would pretend nothing had happened? Maybe this was just a one-time-thing? Ellie did not think she could go back to how things had been before that night.
As it turned out, she did not have to.
It felt like she had just closed her eyes when there was someone sitting down on the mattress next to her and shaking her vigorously. Ellie groaned and opened her eyes, only to be met by utter darkness. The heavy curtains covered the windows but even the dark fabric could not keep all of the sunlight out once the sun came up. That meant it had to be dark outside.
"Wake up!" Quinn whispered, "Ellie!"
"Hmmm..." Ellie grumbled. One her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could make out Quinn who sat in front of her. The other girl was already completely dressed, although not in her typical ski clothing.
"What time is it?" Ellie asked sleepily and sat up halfway, rubbing the sleep out of the corners of her eyes. She had been right, her whole body was aching from skiing and falling the day before.
"Somewhat after six," Quinn replied, which made Ellie groan again.
"We stayed up way past midnight last night, this is too early," she complained. Quinn grinned enthusiastically.
"I know but I need you to get up now," she told Ellie, "so we can watch the sunrise from the top of the Pine Twins."
"The sun hasn't even come up yet and you want me to do what now?"
Quinn laughed at the confused and whiny tone of Ellie's way.
"The sunrise here is beautiful," she informed the other girl, "and I thought today was the perfect day to go up the mountain and watch it. You'll love it, I'm sure you'll do!"
"I'm not."
Despite her protests, Ellie slowly got out of bed and turned on the little light on her nightstand.
"What do you want me to wear?"
"Does that mean you'll come with me?"
"Would I be getting dressed if I were to stay at home?"
"Wow, you can be sassy in the morning."
Quinn giggled and rummaged through Ellie's wardrobe, occasionally pulling out something and looking at it before letting it fall on the floor.
"Hey, my closet was organized before!" Ellie softly tried to stop Quinn's actions but failed. Quinn threw a sweater in Ellie's general direction, followed by Lillian's pair of pants and one of Ellie's own leggings.
"Put both of them on, it's going to be quite cold," she advised her friend, "I'll be waiting in the hallway."
And gone she was. Ellie sighed, still very much tired and very much overwhelmed by Quinn's early enthusiasm. But she also had to smile as she put on the clothes Quinn had picked out for her. When she left the room, the other girl was already waiting for her.
"Shh!" She made and put a finger to her lips, "Everyone else is still asleep."
"No wonder, at this ungodly hour," Ellie whispered back.
The two girls quietly made their way down the stairs and Quinn led Ellie towards the door.
"We haven't even had breakfast yet," Ellie whispered.
"We can eat once we're back," Quinn handed Ellie her jacket and took a glance at her phone to check the time, "we'll leave through the basement. My mom's a light sleeper and they always leave their window open."
"Would they stop us from leaving?"
"No, I just don't want them to know."
Quinn led the way down the stairs to the basement. There, she opened the garage door just enough that they could crawl out of the house underneath the door before closing it.
"How will we get back in?" Ellie asked anxiously as she pulled her beanie over her ears.
"I have the keys for the garage door."
It was only when they were already approaching the lift that Ellie thought to ask:
"How will we get up? The lift isn't moving yet."
"I asked Mister Russell to come a little earlier today," Quinn said nonchalantly. Ellie opened her mouth to ask for how long Quinn had been planning this since she seemed to have thought of literally everything to make her plan work. But they had already arrived at the little hut and Quinn greeted the man inside with a smile and a wave.
"Mornin'," he muttered, still mostly asleep, "I'll get the lift started."
"Thank you!"
They took the first carrier that arrived in the station and in no time, they were high in the air, slowly moving towards the tip. Having gotten courageous because up here, no one could see them, Quinn reached for Ellie's hand and intertwined their gloved fingers. Ellie immediately broke out in a huge smile and squeezed the other's hand. They only let go once they reached the top.
It was a little unfamiliar to get off the carrier without skis but they managed it just fine and Quinn led the way over to a small group of trees. Right between them, hidden by wood and branches full of pine needles, she sat down in the snow and pat the spot next to her. The sun still was not up but the sky was lighter than before and Ellie had a great overview over the mountains and the village underneath it.
"This is great," she said, probably a lot quieter than she could have spoken.
"Wait till the sun comes out," Quinn replied, just as quiet, "I've done this a lot when I was younger, together with my dad. Only we didn't hide behind trees."
She fell silent and Ellie knew what she was thinking about. She gently reached out to take Quinn's hand again. She did not pull away and instead scooted closer to Ellie. She had been right, it was cold, especially because they were not moving at all but the warmth of sitting so close together warmed them.
And then, a red and yellow ball of fire emerged from behind the other Pine Twin, slowly rising and coloring the sky red, yellow and purple. It almost looked like a rainbow. Ellie felt herself sink even more into Quinn's touch and the blonde girl put her head on Ellie's shoulder.
"It's beautiful," Ellie said after a long time.
"It is," Quinn agreed, then she raised her head and looked at Ellie, "you know what else is? You!"
"You're cheesy," Ellie giggled, "but thank you for the compli-..."
Before she could complete her sentence, Quinn had leaned in and kissed her. Immediately, Ellie wrapped her arms around her and pulled her closer. They stayed like that for several minutes, switching between soft kisses and holding still, their faces pressed together.
"You know," Quinn said after a little while and Ellie felt her hot breath on her own cold cheeks, "I always thought that maybe I was just... broken, somehow, because I didn't find Dash romantically or sexually attracting. Or any boys, for that matter. And I contemplated being asexual or aromantic for the longest time. You know, since I had no experience with girls and thus couldn't be sure if I really was a lesbian."
She paused for a moment.
"Not that there's anything wrong with either of those," she then said firmly, "but now that I've experienced this, there's no way on earth I'm asexual."
On 'this', her gaze lingered on Ellie's lips and they both laughed.
"The first time is always pretty exciting," Ellie agreed.
"You've had girlfriends before, right?"
"One, yes."
"And... did you do... things?"
"You mean did we have sex?"
Quinn blushed furiously, which made Ellie laugh again. She poked the other girl in her pink cheek.
"There's no need to be embarrassed," she giggled, "but yes, we've done the deed."
"Was it... good?" Quinn seemed to notice that her questions were getting a bit invasive, so she quickly added: "Dash and me, we've had sex before, too. I went along because he wanted to and it wasn't horrible but I didn't enjoy it at all."
"I've never slept with a guy before," Ellie said, "only girls. And I've enjoyed that."
"Would you like to? Sleep with a guy, I mean."
Ellie shrugged.
"I don't really know. Maybe if the 'right one' comes along. I'm not gay so that makes me think I could also enjoy it with a guy."
"Speaking of which," Quinn looked at Ellie and leaned back until she was lying in the powdery snow on her back, "what is your label? If you're comfortable telling me."
"Of course I do," Ellie assured the other girl, "but to be honest, even I don't really know. I've gone through pretty much all of them: started out as bi, then lesbian, then unlabelled, then polysexual... none of them have ever felt 100% right. Now I just say queer whenever someone asks."
"Did you feel pressured to find a label that fit you?"
"In a way, yes; but not from other people, only from myself, if that makes sense. I wanted to have a name for what I felt but all the labels I tried felt too specific," Ellie laughed, "I guess 'queer' is as general as it gets."
Quinn giggled along, then she said:
"I knew right away. That I'm a lesbian. It just felt right. The rest was... more difficult."
Ellie nodded understandingly but did not really know what to say to that. For a little while, they were silent. That was until Quinn, who was still lying on the floor, started moving her arms and legs in the snow.
"What are you doing?" Ellie asked.
"I'm making a snow angel," Quinn declared, "you should try it, too."
Since Ellie had never really experienced snow, she first watched Quinn before she lied down beside her and mimicked her movements. When she turned her head towards Quinn to check if she was doing it right, their eyes met and both girls broke out into a fit of giggles.
"No...!" Quinn whined when she accidentally moved her head, "I'm ruining my angel!"
Quickly, she stood up and took a look at her artwork.
"Meh," she said. Then, she offered Ellie a hand. The latter gratefully took the offer and let herself be hauled up by Quinn. Only, they both had underestimated how heavy a human really is. When Ellie's bum left the floor and her full weight was supported by Quinn â who had not fully payed attention â they both lost balance and toppled over. Ellie landed on her back, Quinn right on top of her.
"Now both angels are ruined," Quinn giggled.
"Admit it, you only let me fall and threw yourself on top of you so that your angel wouldn't be the only ugly one!"
"Maybe..."
Giggling, the girls rolled to the side (away from Quinn's angel) and got up, dusting the snow off of their clothes. Quinn looked at both of the angels with a slight frown on her pretty face. Her own one was near perfect except for the head, which was a mangled mess. Ellies on the other hand was little more than a hint of an angel with a mess of snow in the middle.
"Yours is probably more biblically accurate," Quinn thought aloud, "look, it's got multiple wings â and that spot right there looks like at least four eyes."
"Maybe it could give us those wings so we can fly home," Ellie replied.
"Why, are you cold?"
"No, just hungry."
Quinn took a look at her watch: "Yeah, it's almost time for breakfast."
"Then let's go back, I'm starving!"
"Me too!" Quinn agreed, "I could eat an ox right now!"
She paused.
"Or an angel."