And here it is, our final night alive
And as the earth runs to the ground
Oh girl it's you that I lie with
- As the world caves in, Matt Maltese
In the span of a few milliseconds, a million thoughts ran through Ellie's mind. They did not close the curtains! Somehow must have spotted them! Were their parents home earlier? But they had not sent any messages â then again, Ellie had not checked her phone that day at all. What would they do to Quinn now? Would they throw her out?
For a short moment, she contemplated running up the stairs to her room and dragging Quinn with her, hiding away until this would turn into a bad dream. Then she snapped back into reality and sat up on the sofa, turning to see who was the intruder.
It was Dash. Quinn's boyfriend stood in front of the big windows, disbelief clear on his face, his fist still in the air where he had banged it against the glass. Quinn was already on her way to the door and opened the glass door while Ellie hurriedly got up from the couch and tried to look as innocent as she could.
When Quinn opened the door, she and Dash stared at each other for a few seconds.
"What the fuck, Quinn?" Dash finally asked in a shout.
Quinn's bottom lip had been quivering before and as soon as Dash spoke up, she burst into tears. Dash came into the room and shook the snow off his boots.
"What the fuck?" He repeated like he could not think of anything else to say, "Seriously, what is wrong with you? Why would you do that? Did I do something wrong? Quinn, talk to me!"
Quinn still stood in front of the window, her hand clutching the doorframe while the wind blew cold air into the room.
"Quinn!" Dash wrung the door from her and closed it soundly, "Look at me!"
Ellie awkwardly stood in front of the sofa and watched the scene unfold right before her eyes. Quinn still stood rooted to the spot while Dash shouted at her. He sounded angry, of course he did, but there were tears in his eyes as well and his face showed confusion over any emotion. When he raised his hands to grab Quinn's shoulders, she finally came back to life.
With a force that neither Ellie nor Dash seemed to have expected from her, she slapped his arms away.
"Don't touch me!" She shrieked, her voice quivered with suppressed sobs, "You don't get it!"
"Get what? That the girl I love just cheated on me? That's true, I don't get it!"
For a moment, they just stared at each other. Dash clearly expected a sort of explanation. His arms were still in the air like he did not know what to do with them and he tried to make eye contact with Quinn but the blonde girl avoided his gaze and stared straight ahead. It was like both of them had forgotten that Ellie was still in the room.
"Fuck."
All of a sudden, it seemed like all the anger vanished from Dash's expression and all that was left was emptiness. He slumped down on the couch's armrest and buried his face in his hands. Ellie could see his shoulders shaking from behind. Quinn looked like she wanted to comfort him but did not how to. She raised her hand and then dropped it again; opened her mouth but no sound came out.
"Dash..." she finally managed to say. The boy on the sofa did not look up.
"Dash, I never wanted to hurt you-"
"Well, you just did," Dash interrupted her, bitterness seeping from his words.
"Will you please let me talk for a minute?" Quinn said vehemently.
"No! No, I will not!" He leapt up from the couch, placing an accusing finger on Quinn's chest, "I don't care to hear any half-assed explanations! How could you do this to me? To us? I don't know what made you decide that I wasn't good enough for you anymore but I don't want to hear it! This was your decision, now you got to bear the consequences!"
"Shut up!" Quinn smacked at Dash's fingers again but this time, she grabbed his hand and did not let him go, "You can be so infuriating sometimes! Just let me explain it for god's sake!"
"Go on, then," Dash freed his hand and took two steps back from Quinn, "justify it. Let's hear what your reasons were for betraying my trust and ruining our relationship."
Quinn waited for a few seconds as if to make sure Dash was finished with his cynical rant, them swallowed thickly.
"I-i," she cleared her throat and looked to the floor while continuing, "I really love you, Dash. I do. But-"
"No, don't come at me like that!" Dash shook his head, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't have cheated. I can take a lot of shit but don't fucking lie to me. You wanted to explain yourself so at least have the guts to be honest with me."
"I'm lesbian!" Quinn burst out, "There, I said it; that's the truth."
Silence settled in. Ellie could not see Dash's face but Quinn's expression was one of pure fear.
"Please don't out me," she said in a tiny voice, "I don't know what my parents would do if they found out."
Ellie heard Dash take a deep breath before he spoke again:
"Just for the record, Quinn: I'm not mad at you for kissing a girl, I'm mad at you for cheating on me. Do I really come across as a homophobic douchebag?"
"I don't know, for god's sake!" Quinn erupted again and while tears streamed across her face, she tried to hold back her sobs, "Everyone in this goddamn village could be one! I've lived every fucking day in the last couple of years fearing that someone might find out my deepest darkest secret and what they would do to me if they did! People get killed for being like me, Dash! I just wanted to keep myself safe and I'm sorry that I dragged you into this but I didn't know what to do!"
With each word, her voice got more and more strained and at the end, she could not talk anymore. Sobs shook Quinn's body and she hid her face in her hands. She looked so fragile, like she could crumble in on herself every moment. Ellie wanted nothing more than to go over and hug her.
But before she could act on her thoughts, Dash was already at Quinn's side and pulled her into a hug. Her knees buckled and gave in but Dash held her and let her cry into his chest. There were tears on his cheeks as well but he did not bother to wipe them away.
Dash waited until Quinn calmed down a little, then he pushed her away to look her in the eyes and said:
"Let's talk about this, alright?"
Quinn nodded and gently separated herself from Dash, then gestured towards the couch. They both turned to sit down and for a moment, Dash's and Ellie's eyes met. Ellie realized what a weird combination of people they really were: the boyfriend and the girlfriend's affair. What did you say to the person your lover cheated on with you? 'I'm sorry'? 'It won't happen again'? 'It wasn't your fault'?
"Should... should I leave?" Ellie settled on asking.
"Yes," Dash replied at the same time as Quinn said: "No!"
They looked at each other indecisively.
"I'll be in the kitchen," Ellie announced and left the living area.
That way, she would be able to hear everything and be present but still give Dash and Quinn some space. She contemplated sitting down at the dining table but that seemed still too close to the couch where the couple (ex-couple?) had sat down. Since carrying or pulling a chair to the kitchen would be too noisy, she decided to stand. After a little while, Ellie's feet hurt like crazy but she just shifted her weight from left to right because she did not want to and she did not want to interrupt this deeply personal conversation in any way.
Quinn and Dash took a long time sorting out the mess that was their relationship. After everyone's nerves had calmed down, Dash sat silently and listened to Quinn intently. She explained everything that she had also said to Ellie and more.
How she had figured out her sexuality but also knew neither her parents nor anyone else would be supportive of her. How she could not even be sure her friends would be accepting. That a heterosexual relationship was the easiest way to keep herself safe. That she loved Dash but only as a friend and that the only people she really wanted to date were women.
There were a lot of apologies from both sides. Quinn apologized for cheating on Dash, for leading him on for so long and getting him caught up in her problems. For betraying his trust and ultimately hiding something very important from him for years. Dash on the other hand apologized for making Quinn feel like she could not trust him enough to come out to him.
He assured her that while he was deeply hurt by her recent actions, he would never condemn her for her sexuality. And he said that he wished she would have been honest with him earlier but also understood why she felt that she could not tell him the truth.
There were lots of tears shed on both sides and Quinn was very understanding when Dash said that he needed time to process this. He assured her that her secret was safe with him and that once he had processed this, they could try to be friends again. Quinn broke into tears of relief at that and promised him all the time in the world and that she would always be there for him.
They agreed on splitting up and telling everyone it was because 'they were better as friends' and just 'did not work out' but that there was 'no bad blood between them'. When Dash said that he did not want their friends to be dragged into the breakup, Quinn just shrugged.
"In a few months, I'll be out of here anyway," she confessed, "I want nothing more than to leave this place."
"Yes, but you might want to keep in contact with your friends," Dash said gently, "and once you're out of here, nothing can keep you from coming out. And if anyone won't accept you, ditch them. They don't deserve you."
"Thank you," Quinn rubbed at her reddened eyes, "you don't know how much this means to me."
"I love you," Dash replied with a sad smile, "and I want you to be happy. Whatever that may mean for you."
When he left over two hours later, a weird atmosphere settled in.
"I'm going to take Pasta for his walk," Quinn said.
"Okay," Ellie, who had finally sat down to give her feet a rest, looked up at Quinn, "would you like me to join you?"
"No, I think I'd like some time to myself," she rubbed one hand over the other arm, "sorry."
"It's okay."
Ellie watched as Quinn got ready and then disappeared through the front door. It was already getting dark, even though the night did not come as suddenly as it used to in January and February. While Quinn was gone, Ellie quickly tidied up the living room and then went up to her room. It was cold inside because the heating was on a very low setting â in the last couple of days, she had not spent more than fifteen minutes in this room.
Not knowing what to do, she climbed onto the desk and stared out of the window. Footsteps started in the snow at the front door and then went around the house to where Ellie could not see them anymore. Quinn had taken the back route instead of walking next to the road.
Ellie sighed. This private week had taken a turn for the first. Sure, Dash had reacted pretty well given the situation and he was supportive of Quinn's sexuality. But Ellie knew how personal a coming-out was. It was understandable that Quinn had wanted to do it on her own terms, when she was ready for it. At least it had not been their parents who surprised them.
Ellie knew she should technically feel guilty because she herself was the affair and she also knew that it was Dash who was 'in the right'. But all she could think about was how Quinn had broken apart when her secret was revealed. Of course, she felt for Dash who just found out his long-term girlfriend and supposed love of his life did not truly love him. But she also felt for Quinn who had done everything to keep herself and her secret safe only to have the decision to come out on her own terms ripped right from her hands.
There had been only one instance where someone had outed Ellie without her consent: at a dinner with friends, one of the first ones she had told accidentally spilled the beans for the rest of the group and while everyone was supportive and nobody thought it was a big deal that Ellie was not straight (nobody in their group was, anyway), she had still felt betrayed and hurt by her friends actions. She could not even imagine how Quinn probably felt at this moment.
If she would blame Ellie for it? Ellie did not really believe she would but it was kind of her fault. If she had not come to Frostfields, if she had stayed away or at least refrained from being more than friends with Quinn, this would not have happened. Nobody had forced Quinn to act on her feelings, though. Still, Ellie could only hope that things between her and Quinn would not change for the worse.
When she heard Quinn come home a little while later, Ellie quickly got up and opened the door to her room halfway. She did not want to corner Quinn downstairs or make her feel pressured but she also wanted her to know that she was not mad and open to talk â or just hang out. Hopefully, an open door was able to convey this intention.
She heard steps going up the stairs, but Quinn went into the bathroom first. The water ran for a few minutes, maybe she was washing her hands. Then she heard the door to Quinn's room fall shut. It seemed that Quinn did, in fact, not want to talk or even spend time with Ellie.
Five minutes went by, ten, it got fully dark outside. Finally, Ellie stood up from her bed and walked to the door to close it. Just before the it clicked into place, she heard a noise from Quinn's room. Alarmed, Ellie froze in her movements and opened the door slightly to stick her ear into the hallway. It was quiet for a few moments until she heard it again: a quiet, suppressed sob, followed by a sniff.
Quinn was crying.
For a little while, Ellie stood rooted to the spot. She wanted to comfort Quinn but did not know if this was also what the other girl wanted. Maybe she did not want Ellie to notice she was crying. What other reason was there for shutting the door and trying so hard to keep quiet?
Ellie slowly crept closer to the other door and pressed her ear against it. The wood was quite thick but she could make out another sob or two. When she knocked softly against the door, Quinn in the room gasped quietly but otherwise gave no answer.
"Can I come in?" Ellie asked gently, "Please?"
Silence.
"I... I understand it if you don't want to see me right now," Ellie continued after a little while, "but I'm here for you, okay? I'll just be in my room."
She waited for another couple of seconds, then she turned around to go back into her own room. Right in that moment, the door behind her was pulled open. Quinn stood in the doorframe.
She looked like a complete wreck. Her face was blotchy with angry pink spots all over her face and neck. Her eyes completely red and swollen from crying so much. There were tear stains on her cheeks and she had a runny nose. She was shaking like a leaf in the wind and her left hand was clutching the door-handle like she was about to fall to the floor without something to support her.
"Please don't go!" She begged, her voice hoarse and broken, "Please don't leave me alone."
Ellie's face softened at the sight before her.
"Come here," she said softly and hugged Quinn immediately, "I'm right here. I'm not leaving, I promise."
Quinn did not respond and just clutched Ellie's sweater in her fists like her life depended on it. Carefully, Ellie navigated them both towards the bed where Pasta awaited his owner with a confused look on his little dog-face. Ellie sat down next to Quinn. The blonde girl pressed her face to Ellie's shoulders, sobs rocking through her body. She was now beyond the point of trying to keep quiet, choked sobs and gasps falling freely from her chapped lips.
"Hey, calm down," Ellie whispered into her ear when she noticed Quinn was starting to hyperventilate, "I'm here, I'm right here for you. Shh."
She could already feel Quinn's tears staining her sweater and seeping through the clothes but she did not care. Instead, she hugged her tighter, as if to fit all the broken pieces back together if she just squeezed hard enough.
Other than the reassuring phrases Ellie muttered to calm Quinn down, they did not talk. It took Quinn quite a long time to regain her composure. Multiple times she was silent for a few seconds before breaking into tears again. Ellie did not know what was going on in her head and she did not want to ask, it was clearly not the right moment. Quinn tried explaining herself a couple of times but always interrupted herself again with sobs and sniffles and just gave up talking after a while. At one point, they also lied down on the mattress and Ellie covered them both with the blanket. Pasta licked the back of Quinn's head a couple of times before he crawled over to her legs and fell asleep pressed into the back of her knees.
Quinn was still curled into Ellie's chest, fisting her sweatshirt and burying her face into the soft fabric while Ellie stroked her hair and held her close with the other arm.
This was how they slept through the night.