Chapter 15: I Know What I Want

KIANA

“My mother was truly the best. She was beautiful. I inherited my hair color and green eyes from her. Her smile was gentle and warm, capable of brightening the darkest skies. Not a bad word could have been said about her. If anything, she was too caring and considerate.

“Sometimes I wished she had been a little more selfish.”

“How did she pass away? If you don’t mind me asking.” Chase leaned a little closer.

“She…um…” I could feel tears begin to sting my eyes. I took a deep breath before continuing, “My mother had a weak heart. A condition they didn’t discover until it was too late.

“It was seven years ago, but it still hurts as much as the day it happened,” I whispered, hastily swiping a wayward tear from my cheek.

“And your father?” Chase asked.

I don’t know why, but I felt comfortable opening up to Chase. I couldn’t even do that with Mia. For some reason, I felt Chase wouldn’t judge me or view me differently if he knew parts of my past.

“I have no relationship with him, nor do I want one. I went to boarding school prior to university just to get away from him. Then the second I turned eighteen, I was out of his life before he realized what had happened.

“I wanted to make my own way in the world, without relying on his money. He demands control, and he’s a tactical master of manipulation and guilt.”

My father was overbearing and instilled fear in many. His wealth originated from the pain and suffering of others, an unethical reality I promised never to be part of.

“My father cheated on my mother a long time ago,” Chase admitted with a hint of a frown. “I witnessed the damage and pain he inflicted—it almost broke her. It’s something I would never do and the reason why I detest infidelity so much.”

I could relate a little too well.

I blamed my father for my mother becoming so sick in the first place. Part of me believed she died from a broken heart, and he simply ignited the final spark that ended her life.

Her misery could have been easily avoided. His controlling nature, infidelity, and blatant indifference to her mental state—which he dismissed as a mere “minor episode of depression”—were the reason it took so long until she was finally diagnosed.

“Well, that brought the mood down real fast.” Chase laughed uneasily. “I should get to bed. I have an early start tomorrow,” he began before giving me a once-over.

“Did you send my driver to pick up your clothes?” he asked, eyeing the shirt he’d lent me the previous night.

Damn! I’d been so immersed in schoolwork and thinking about Chase all day that I completely forgot to ask!

“I’ll give you a spare set for the night and have my driver head to your place first thing.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

I began to help clean up the space until Chase took the plate from my hands.

“I got this. You’re a guest here. Get yourself ready for bed. Once I’m done in here, I’ll leave some clothes for you on your vanity.” He left no room for argument as he stood, taking the remainder of the dirty dishes with him.

I went to my room and headed directly to the shower, realizing I needed one after wearing the same clothes all day.

I decided against washing my hair. I didn’t have my usual products, and I knew I would regret it in the morning when it became an unmanageable, frizzy, tangled mess.

I found a silky white bathrobe hanging behind the door. The fabric felt incredibly smooth against my skin. Despite being very thin and falling just above my knees, the silk surprisingly kept me warm.

After brushing my teeth, I finished braiding my hair for the night. I heard my door open and came out as Chase walked inside, holding a neatly folded set of clothes for me to take.

His eyes lingered on my body for a moment before darting to my face. He cleared his throat, and that same easy confidence reappeared, making me question whether he really was checking me out just a second ago or if I was overthinking things.

“I knocked but you didn’t answer. I was just going to leave these on the bed,” he said.

He approached me and leaned down, pausing just an inch from my face. I shut my eyes for a fleeting moment, breathless, expecting a kiss. Instead, he laid the clothes on the bed and then stood straight in front of me again.

I bit my lip, cursing myself for how foolish I must have appeared.

I glanced at him, noticing his gaze lingering on my lips before he asked…

“Goodnight kiss?”

I was taken aback, questioning whether I had heard him correctly.

“As a continued exercise in intimacy to help us feel more physically natural with one another? We might have to share a few kisses when we visit my family.” He smiled, subtly leaning his body in closer.

My voice struggled to escape and came out muted like a tiny mouse. “When you put it like that, I guess one more shouldn’t hurt,” I replied.

“So, we’re both in agreement?” he asked, his hand trailing up my arm to my shoulder before gliding along my jaw, his thumb brushing my cheek.

“I suppose we are,” I agreed.

He leaned in slowly, and my feet naturally lifted me higher to meet him as he captured my breath with another soft kiss. Only this time, my hands ended up on his naked chest, my nails gently biting into his pecs to keep my balance as his hold along my jaw slightly tightened.

He pulled away, his hands still holding me firmly as he confessed, “I enjoy kissing you, Kiana… Do you like kissing me?”

Without letting my mind catch up with me, I nodded.

“I need words,” he spoke eagerly, his chest moving more rapidly.

I could feel my entire skin burn with an indescribable heat. A flutter of nervousness coursed through me. “I think I’ve been enjoying our ‘intimacy exercises’ as well,” I confessed timidly.

“I have a proposal,” he said, almost breathless. “Since we both enjoy it so much, maybe we should consider it an added benefit to our arrangement.”

“I accept,” were the only words he needed.

His lips crashed against mine, and my hands found their way around his neck as my lips parted for his tongue, allowing it to caress my own in a way no one had ever done before.

This kiss was different. There was a ferocity that made my toes tingle and something unfamiliar settle in the pit of my stomach. We lost ourselves in the embrace—one of lust and long-awaited passion—until I found myself backed against the wall.

I released an involuntary moan of surprise as his hands trailed along my body, sliding along the outside of the silk bathrobe. He grunted as his hands pinned my hips to the wall. I gasped as his lips caressed my jaw, trailing down my neck, and hitting a sensitive spot that had me crying out and fisting my fingers in his hair.

I could feel his satisfied smile against my throat before his lips trailed lower along the hem of the silk bathrobe.

I wanted this.

I knew I did.

Suddenly, I froze.

His hands along my waist were nothing but gentle, yet they felt bruising in my mind. An uncomfortable feeling washed over me as my body stilled, and my breath turned rapid for an entirely different reason.

I knew I wanted this. I didn’t want him to stop. But my body started to fight for control, reacting in a way that didn’t correspond with my mind.

It was like I was at war with myself, wanting to give in to my natural urges and sexual cravings, yet my body’s trauma response was erecting a wall that overpowered my wants and desires.

He must have sensed my sudden change in mood. He lifted his head, his eyes flickering to mine. “Shit.” He stepped backward so fast that it felt like someone had poured ice-cold water over me.

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to…” He squeezed his eyes shut, gripping the bridge of his nose.

“It’s not you—” I began, wanting to reach out and reassure him that I wanted him, but I was glued to the wall, unable to move.

“I promise you that won’t happen again. I’ll never do anything or push you for something you don’t want to do,” he affirmed.

“That’s not—” I began, only he interrupted.

“Don’t feel obliged to do something just because you signed a contract,” he finished. “I…I need to go,” he said, exiting the room in a few quick strides.

I felt hurt that he would think I’d kiss him solely because of the contract, yet I couldn’t deny that I understood why he’d said it. I also couldn’t refute that Chase had stirred feelings inside me that I never thought I could revisit, let alone want to.

I changed into the clothes he had left on the bed before sliding under the covers. I tried to rid myself of the embarrassment I felt and the anger at how—even after so long—my past still controlled me.

I was quickly developing a sense of trust in Chase.

Something had shifted since I signed his contract. I felt an undeniable attraction to him that no other man could match. And it wasn’t just about his good looks.

He exuded confidence and protectiveness, and he had values that would be considered a rare find in the world he occupied. Chase was thoughtful, kind, attentive, and truly the epitome of a gentleman.

My past might hold some control over me, even now, but I knew what I wanted, and it was something I never thought myself capable of wanting ever again.

I wanted more than just a kiss…

I wanted Chase.