I tried to keep away from Google, I really did, but I'm weak. Report after report has been coming in about Harry's wild drunken nights out with this girl and that one. I've stared at that lazy smile he plasters on his face whenever he's a mile past tipsy a million times, at one million and one I started to feel sick. It's bad enough that the jealousy in me won't settle down but what's worse is how many times I've seen someone saying how glad they are that we "broke up."
Of course we were never a couple but the term seems to fit what's been happening. It's been weeks since we last spoke, or more like, since he last spoke. I received my keys in the mail promptly just as he promised. It didn't take long, maybe a day and a half, so I know he paid extra to ship them faster. Somehow knowing that hurt me more than receiving the keys at all. The fact that he couldn't even stand the sight of them on his key chain broke me a little more than I thought it would. I can only imagine the unceremonious funeral all of our pictures together underwent, not to mention the candids he'd always sneak of me.
If he's as upset as some of his fans I can only imagine the horrible things he said while deleting them. As I scrolled through the comments under article after article quoting an "inside source" saying we weren't speaking because of the book, I'd been called everything from a dirty black parasite to a dirty whÅre snake. I hate that the misinformation is out there but no one wants the truth, they want a headline. Even after Pebbles Publishing issued an apology and retraction only a few blogs even mentioned it. The only good thing about this entire thing is that paparazzi have stopped following me, only every once in a while will I catch one. I guess since Harry's tossed me aside so has the media which I'm extremely grateful for.
Amita and Damien have been right by my side through this entire ordeal which I thank them for tremendously. They've turned out to be amazing friends, supportive and loyal. They're there to listen when I need an ear and party when I need to forget. Regardless of the hurt and regret I still feel daily, I know I wouldn't be getting through this whole thing as well as I have been without them.
Surprisingly enough Berkley has been there for me as well. After the news broke he realized why my mood had changed so severely at dinner that night and apologized. He's checked up on me every day at work, popping into my office just to see how I am, and even calling or texting on the weekends. We've gotten a bit closer but I still don't want to let him in the way he wants me to. At the end of the day I've always looked at Berkley as a stepping stone. I needed to know that I could become involved with someone with one foot in and one out the door. I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't have to be the bleeding heart, die hard romantic I've always been, I could be like one of the guys and play keep away with my heart. As far as that goes it's been mission accomplished but I can't say it's made me feel any better about myself or improved my ideas on relationships.
The true question hasn't been whether or not I can play relationship games it's been whether or not I can fall in love and remain the spunky outspoken woman I've grown to be. With Berkley that chance to fall for him was never really there. Don't get me wrong it's not that he doesn't have the makings of a great boyfriend, he's intelligent, wealthy, articulate, and dashingly handsome. But he doesn't provide me everything I need out of a man.
As I've always said it's not his fault he doesn't know me but the truth is he's never really been too interested in getting to know me. Berkley is a means to an end kind of guy and ultimately his goal is to have a compliant mate, I'm not her. It's not that he's a bad person, quite the opposite actually, he's just used to a certain type of lady. Months of his "encouragement", as he calls it, hasn't worked to morph me into that woman and I can tell he's frustrated.
Take for instance him asking me to move in with him. We finally talked about it and he admitted he wanted to try and jumpstart my commitment to him. I was pretty taken aback that he would ask someone to move in simply because he felt like they weren't committed enough to him in a casual relationship, casual being the operative word. To use something as serious as moving in as a power play is the main reason he and I couldn't be together seriously. I've been there and done that with guys who play mind games and it's not what I'm interested in. He's used to women who aren't used to men like him. Now don't get me wrong I'm not accustomed to being around men who could afford the lifestyle he and Harry live but the type of man that Berkley is isn't new to me. He likes women who trip over their own two feet to kiss his and I've never been fond of feet.
I guess it's safe to say that I wouldn't care as much if I hurt Berkley. I wouldn't want to obviously, I wouldn't try to, I would still care... just not as much as I would if I hurt Harry and vice versa. Berkley could never hurt me the way this whole thing with Harry has, I've always kept him outside the outside of my personal space so it was never possible. But now, for the 1st time in a long time I really miss someone.
As much as I want to push it out of my head it's suction cupped to the walls of my brain. Every time I think I'll get a moment of peace Harry's words from that night replay in my mind. The venom in his voice makes my eyes water from tears I refuse to shed. I want to cry, I should cry and get it out of my system but I won't. I promised myself I shed my last tears over a boy a long time ago. He didn't deserve them, neither does Harry, no man does. As much as I care about him I won't let him take me out of my character. I worked way too hard to build myself up to allow this to tear me down.
A part of me wants to be angry, bitter even. I allowed myself to be vulnerable again for the first time since Charlie and it ended up the same way, he hurt me. But in reality this time I have to take some of the blame. Had I just been honest maybe Harry wouldn't have abandoned me. I can't help feeling this is what I deserve even though it's my biggest fear realized. A small ember of anger still smolders though. He wouldn't even let me explain myself. I only allowed myself to be exposed because I thought it was mutual. It seems that where I thought I saw openness in him it was something else entirely. Putting up a front doesn't seem his style but maybe I was wrong, it wouldn't be the first time.
Sighing, I grab a sweater from my closet and fold it before tucking it away in my suitcase. My flight for Texas leaves in about an hour and I don't want to be late. My parents were at my throat for showing up a day late after missing my flight home for Thanksgiving so I have to make it on to this one. After pulling on my black boots with entirely too much heel for a plane ride I trudge into my closet in search of a black purse to take with me. It needs to be big enough for my tablet but small enough that I don't have to check it. I intend on doing some writing on the plane and uploading the final chapter to Fresh Start when I land. It feels only fitting since my own 'fresh start' seems to be at an end.
My phone buzzes in my pocket as I bend over to grab the bag I was looking for. Standing up straight I check the caller ID and see a number I don't recognize. Normally I wouldn't answer but the thought crosses my mind that it could be the airline calling about my ticket or flight so I press the blinking green button on my screen.
"Hello."
Silence greets me on the other end for a moment before a slow breath escapes the person's mouth. "You should call Harry, let him know your side of things."
Instantly I frown and pull the phone away from my face to get another look at the number. "Who is this?" I ask with an attitude after still not recognizing the number.
"It's Hannah, Harry's assistant. I really think you should talk to him. I think he's calmed down enough and could be ready to listen," she replies genuinely.
I can't hear deceit in her voice but it doesn't matter. She's playing errand girl to a grown aÅs man who could just as easily pick up the phone as she did.
"Did he ask you to call me?" I ask, my attitude flowing freely, "I'm not some item on a check list for you to take care of. So you can tell him that I'm not a store run for a carton of eggs so don't treat me like one."
She sighs as if she's the one whose value is being brought into question. "Does that really matter? I'm offering you a way back in. Don't be silly, just take it."
Her words make me want to laugh, so I do. How dare she? Better yet how dare he? I never thought he was so fůcking arrogant but I guess you never really know someone.
"Hannah," I laugh, "You can tell your boss I said to fůck off."
"You do realize who you're turning down?" she asks thoughtfully, "This is Harry Styles we're talking about."
"I know," I respond quietly, finally letting the situation settle. "You may hold him on some pedestal but I don't. He's just a man to me, Harry Styles or not. He's the same Harry Styles that made me pea soup and grilled cheese when I was sick even though he thinks it's weird. He's the same man that would use my razor when his broke then swear up and down he didn't even though he forgot to clean it and left his nasty little hairs in it. He's same guy that let me braid his hair just to practice new hairstyles and stayed up with me until my insomnia went away and I'd fall asleep in his arms."
I know I'm telling her too much but my feelings have been bottled up for too long and I can't stop myself.
"He's also the same Harry Styles who I thought knew me better than anyone and would know that I would never intentionally try to hurt him. He's the same asá¹£hole who wouldn't even let me explain that I never did. So yes I know exactly who it is I'm walking away from. Now if you'll excuse me I have a flight to catch." My voice is a thunder clap ripping through the small space of my closet as I end the call.
Even though she didn't deserve it, it felt good to finally tell someone off. Grabbing my suitcase, I groan at the time, I'll be cutting it close but if I speed I should be able to get to the airport with enough time to spare. Damien and his fiancé are going to come by and pick up my car and take it back home for me so it's not sitting in the parking lot for a week.
I only stayed a day or so for Thanksgiving so it'll be good to get out of the city this whole mess started in for longer. Thanksgiving isn't that huge of a deal in my family, however Christmas at the Duncan household is always chaotic so I can only imagine this year will be a mess as per usual. I can only hope my family doesn't ask about Harry again when I get there, especially not in front of our visiting family. They asked about him on Thanksgiving so I told them he and I were going through a rough patch but we'd get through it in a few days. Initially that was an indirect prayer but that was November twenty-fifth it's December twenty-second, you do the math.
~*~
It's been four days and I already regret coming home. If not because of the constant noise then because of the incessant questions that I clearly don't want to answer. My family is so hard to deal with sometimes I almost wonder if I'm adopted. My parents, although they love each other, argue over the dumbest things. I once witnessed them have a full on argument about how to pronounce Lay's, as in the potato chip company. For whatever reason my dad thought it was Lance and my mom thought it was Lace, of course I broke their faces when I informed them that they were both wrong and it was Lay's. My siblings, I love, but we're the same way as our parents, fighting over idiotic stuff.
As per usual I've found myself in an argument with James, who seems to get a kick out of pissing me off, especially during family functions. My other siblings, Mitch Jr. and Lina end up taking sides at some point whether it's to end the argument or prolong it. Not to mention the aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, and cousins running around the house being excessively loud. The place is a circus and I don't know what in the hell is wrong with us or if everyone's family is this insane.
"You need to be watching the company you keep while you're worried about my baby mama," James spits out bringing me back to our current argument.
All I said was that his children's mother also known as his ex-wife needed to do a better job of grooming their kids if she was going to keep asking for more child support. Sure I could've kept it to myself but it's not like I wasn't being honest, add that to the bįtchy mood I've been in for the past month and he's lucky that's all I said.
"My circle is very small on all counts. I doubt if she could say the same," I snap back, a smug laugh falling from my lips.
Lina and our cousin Terra fall over laughing at the double meaning of my comeback and I join in. It feels good to laugh like this even if it is at someone else's expense. Sue me, I'm having an aÅshole moment.
"Not from what I hear!" he yells back, clearly understanding my joke, "Weren't you running around with that singer and your boss? Went to LA and got loose as a goose."
My blood boils inside making me physically bite my tongue from lashing out the way I want to. It's a tender spot that, in true older brother fashion, he's been picking at all week. Taking a deep breath I keep things light, "They're friends thank you very much. Nothing more, get your facts straight!"
He waves his hand dismissively, "Yeah yeah yeah! That's not what those tabloids say. In fact your friends have been in pictures with a lot of other friends lately if I saw correctly. I guess you can't find loyal ones these days huh?"
Rolling my eyes I keep things comical, "Well at least my friends don't shįt in bushes and wipe their asÅes with leaves!"
Everyone erupts in laughter at the memory. When we were younger James' best friend came over to play basketball in the backyard. As they played he realized he had to use the bathroom so instead of coming inside when my brother did for water he hopped into our bushes and took a dump then wiped his butt with the leaves on the ground. We've never let James live it down since we didn't want to harass his friend. We've teased him about it so much over the years you'd think he was the one who did it.
That comment got him off of my back just like I knew it would so I steered clear of starting up another argument. Terra and I eventually branched off from the group and ended up outside on the porch. Even though it was a tad chilly the cool winter air felt great compared to the stuffy heat of the living room, it was much quieter too.
"So," Terra starts and I know from the tone of her voice where the conversation is headed.
I hold up my hand to stop her, "T, don't. I don't want to talk about it."
"But you need to," she replies shaking her head, "I can see it all over your face. You aren't telling me everything."
I contemplate whether or not I really want to get into it all and bring up the feelings I've been trying so hard to conceal for the past few days. One look at her face tells me that whether I like it or not she's going to get answers out of me so I do it. I tell her everything from the very beginning, every conversation, every laugh, every feeling, every tear. I don't leave anything out and by the end of it all she and I both are shaking from the cold, on her end, but from the rush of emotions roaring through me on mine.
"DÄmn Le," she finally says, "I mean I'm proud of you for being true to who you are and standing up for yourself but... dÄmn. Do you think you made a mistake by not taking ol' girl up on her offer?"
I exhale deeply, having pondered that question the entire plane ride here. "Maybe... I don't know T. I just got so fůcking mad. The only thing I could think in my head was 'not again.' You know? Not another man who only sees value in me when it suits him or when he realizes I'm fine without him. I can't tell you how many times that same shįt happened with Charlie and look where that got me. All of this baggage and pain I can't get rid of."
I don't realize I'm crying until I feel the warmth on my cheeks. It's such a stark contrast from the cold my body would have to be as numb as my heart to not feel it. Quickly I wipe the tears but not fast enough as I see the sadness in Terra's eyes.
"Look Le, I can't tell you what to do, no one can, it's one of your best and worst traits," she laughs softly, "but what I can tell you is that you care about this guy a lot. I've never seen you so passionate about something, even with Charlie. With him you were, desperate for him to love you, with Harry it's like you're angry that he doesn't."
I laugh out loud at that, wiping the tears trying to fall. "And how is that a good thing Terra?"
She smiles, "Because stupid, with Charlie you needed him yet he made you feel like you didn't deserve him, that's why you were so desperate for his affection. With Harry you don't need him, you want him, there's a huge difference. It's why you're so passionate about it, you know you deserve him. The question is once you get him are you going to know what to do with him?"
Her optimism makes me smile, I didn't miss her affirmative statement. "Once I get him huh? How can you be so sure we'll ever even speak again?"
She stands up, rubbing her arms from the cold with a grin across her full lips. "Because, I know you deserve him too. You're my cousin so I know your worth and trust me if he's even half as amazing as you say he is he does too. Now get your aÅs up and let's get in this house. My nipples are so stiff they're burning!"
I laugh, a genuine sound that echoes off the walls of the neighborhood, as I stand to wrap her in a hug. "How'd you get so wise young one?" I ask as we walk inside.
She shrugs, pointing to me with her head, "I learned from the best."
~*~
The day died down slowly as it has since I got here. Everyone left for their hotels or designated rooms in the house at about one or two in the morning. As crazy and sometimes dysfunctional as my family is we love each other and hanging out is, in the end, fun and exciting. We hardly get to see each other especially with all of us living so spread out. As far as I'm concerned on my sibling's part it's laziness because they're only a few hours or minutes away from our parents at any given time. I, on the other hand, live on the other side of the country now. Although I love living in LA and wouldn't trade it for the world I do miss my family, my parents especially. I can't tell you how many times I wished I could hear one of their silly arguments I find so comical, or wished I could watch The Walking Dead with my dad like we used to, or wished that I could crawl into bed with my mom on a Saturday night and watch Lifetime. My parents for a long time were my best friends and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Crawling into bed I resign that tomorrow will be all about my parents since it's my last day home.
I've been in bed for only a few seconds before it starts. The ritualistic replay of my day begins and I start to analyze and over analyze everything that was said. Most of the day was typical for a family gathering, lots of Spades, Dominoes, and eating. The one thing that catches me up is my conversation with Terra on the porch. That she could see how much I cared for Harry by the look on my face sends a chill down my spine.
Has he been able to see it all this time? And what about what she said about him seeing my worth? I love that she has so much faith in her big cousin because I sure don't, not in this instance at least. She didn't hear the way he spoke to me or the things he said. He was hurt and I did that, by not telling him the truth that's the hurt I caused. I have to live with knowing that I caused that, by omitting the truth, I lied, something I hate and never do.
I may not need Harry but it's not for lack of trying, it's instinctual for me, I just won't allow it. My biggest fear is to look stupid and with him it'd be on a worldwide scale, I don't know if I could handle that.
But it can't be denied the way I've longed for him. The stuff you do subconsciously, breathing, blinking, swallowing, that's the way missing him is. I don't even know I'm doing it until I think about it. Once my mind touches it that's when I feel the ache in my chest that chills me down to the bone.
I'm pretty much fine throughout the day, I don't have much time to think. It's in the night, like this, when everything comes back. Dancing in the street, laughing and spending time together, I had no clue I was falling in love. Falling only to land on a boulder rather than a puff on cloud nine.
I was so close to being in love with him that this should be seen as a blessing in disguise. He may have chiseled away a little at the wall around myself but I built that wall and kept it up for a reason.
Now he's under my skin and I can't get rid of him. Truthfully even if I could I wouldn't. The burn I feel on nights like this is a lesson and a reminder that our months together were real. The tangible physical pain his memories leave in their wake are what let me know that I lived my dream and like with all dreams you have to wake up.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What's up my good people!!!!
Happy Thanksgiving!!!! I hope yall liked the chapter!! I know I love stuff to do once the family get together gets boring so here yall go lol
I'm SOOOO thankful for you guys!!! This time last year I wasn't even close to having this much support and now look! Yall are amazing and I'm sorry I don't say it more, I'll try and change that in the future! THANK YOU ALL!!! I couldn't be more grateful!!
Last chapter Wattpad must've been having some technical difficulties because I posted the chapter on Tuesday but it seemed like yall were only able to read it once I unpublished it and republished it on Wednesday -___- Also, like an idiot I forgot to tag the people who followed me in the last Author's Note so forgive me yall it was late and I forgot!!
This chapter's Question...
How was/is your Thanksgiving?
Mine will probably be pretty boring since no family is coming over! So I'll probably have plenty of time to write the next chapter lol
This chapter...
I love that yall got to see a little more about Bailey and her family. I'm hoping this trip home gives a little insight to who she is as a person and helps yall to understand her better. We're just getting started though we have about 20 chapters left to go so strap in!!!
SN: The story about pooping in the bushes is TRUE lmao My brother had a friend that really did do that when they were teenagers. The story about the Lay's argument actually is true as well. My parents full on had a whole heated discussion about the pronunciation when I broke both of their faces like excuse me you're BOTH wrong lol I love adding little bits of me and my life into the stories I write so I thought I'd share :)
This chapter's song...
Breakeven by The Script. I love love love The Script and this song as well. It got me through a couple of tough break ups so I figured it'd suit Bailey's situation. Although she's not in love with Harry the heart is a complex beast and sometimes you can feel the same hurt as if you were in love. As my bestfriend would say, friends can break your heart too!
As for new follower S/O's...
This time we have: ConsuellaSpencer, amina50, and jazzly_99!!!!
Thanks so much for following and I hope I don't disappoint!
Invite your friends to read and follow and leave me some feedback in the comments!! I love hearing from yall!!!!
Until Next Time,
WBN