It's the day before the boys are London bound for some award show I can't remember the name of and Harry keeps reminding me that all of the commotion going on in our house is nothing compared to how crazy it gets during award season here in the states. If I wasn't dreading the experience already I am now. People have been running in and out of the house since early this morning doing fittings for his outfits and discussing itinerary with him while I sit back and watch, peeved from being woken up at such an ungodly hour.
As one rack of clothes leaves another flies through the door, outfits swinging and holding onto their hangers for dear life. Harry's been standing in the middle of our bedroom half-naked for the majority of the morning with people holding up different pieces of clothing for him to try on or reject. Even though I've been enjoying the view I can't lie and say that I'm not bored. After the first thirty minutes I grabbed my laptop so I could try and get some work done. It's definitely been hard to focus and I know I'd get more work done if I go to the office but I'm not dumb. My man is most definitely not about to be in here in his underwear around these thirsty little interns from this designer and that, not without my watchful eyes in the room. Every few minutes I pop my eyes up from the screen and survey the room just to let these heifers know I'm paying attention.
I wouldn't say I'm jealous just territorial. I see things he doesn't when it comes to the opposite sex. He plays coy and confused when I bring up the way women react to him but I know it's more for my benefit than his actual lack of knowledge. All in all I appreciate the effort. I'm used to guys using that type of attention to make me feel insecure so this is a lovely change, novel, but lovely.
Watching him jump into another pair of snug jeans he stops mid pull and grins at me, showing off his dimples. For the most part I've been pretty invisible today, sitting off to the side with my face lit up with the glow from my laptop. But little moments like these force me to feel acknowledged. He's been serving his fake smile to people all day but reserved his full grin for me alone. It's things like this that make me fall for him more, if that's even possible.
As much as the moment lifts me it also weighs me down. Negativity and doubt swarm my thoughts reminding me of all I went through and my promise not to allow it to happen again, the perpetual monkey on my back. Instead of giving into the thoughts as I so often do I smile back, as wholeheartedly as I can and blow him a kiss. He catches it and puts it into the pocket of his jeans but his hand gets stuck as he tries to pull it out, sending me into a fit of giggles. I try to contain myself as he tells the intern for Saint Laurent that the jeans are a no. Too bad, he looked damned good in them.
~*~
By the time noon rolls around the house is quiet again. Harry and I get ready to go see his tattoo artist in silence, we're enjoying it so much. As I dress, I fight against thoughts of telling him about our possible dilemma. The quiet of the house brings me to the restlessness of my thoughts since I found out about my MIA aunt flow. I know he would be excited, he's the only person I know that could light up a room with his smile when a baby is in it, but I can't deal with that right now. I'm still battling with my inner demons that are trying to destroy my growing love for him. Is that really an environment to bring a baby into? How could I love a child when I have a hard time loving anyone? One step at a time, please.
I made the decision last night that I would put this all out of my brain and just enjoy the weekend with him and the boys. They'll be gone for a week so I should enjoy this time and leave my worries for later, but that's easier said than done. A part of my brain yells that I'm a coward for waiting to take the test while he's away but I push the thought to the back of my mind. I can hardly even say it out loud to myself so I know I wouldn't be able to tell him, at least not face to face. I feel more comfortable over the phone and that's what's important if I'm pregnant, that I'm relaxed. Besides, there's no use in telling him and getting his hopes up if I'm not. I don't want to let him down and I damn sure don't want to give him any ideas.
"Bailey Grace Duncan," Harry says, his voiced raised so I know he's been calling me for a while.
"Harry Edward Styles," I reply loudly, mocking him.
He laughs shaking his head, "You need to stay out of your head, you're always getting lost up there. I've been calling you for the past hour."
I roll my eyes dramatically, "Boy please we haven't even been in here for an hour. My brain and I have a lot to think about. What did you want?"
"I asked," he drawls, flopping down on his back on the bed, "if you wanted Garrett to come here or if you wanted to go to the shop. I figured you'd be more comfortable getting your nipples done here than where paparazzi can see."
There he goes being considerate again. I didn't even think about their bug-a-boo aÅses.
"Thank you love, that's a great idea. I don't need my mama seeing pictures of us as I get my nipples pierced."
Harry laughs, reaching for his phone in his pocket, "I figured as much. She's already miffed at you for staying with me before, I'd hate for her to think I'm becoming a bad influence."
I grin at him before straddling his waist, "Oh but you are."
He finishes his text with lightning speed and throws his phone to the side before grabbing my hips. "Am I though? I distinctly remember only good things happening in our relationship so far."
"Very good things," I reply honestly before leaning down to kiss his lips.
His kiss is poison as well as the cure. The first touch of our lips infected me and every time since has kept me on a constant cycle of aching and healing. My eyes shut tightly as I live in that moment, feeling the pain in my heart expand and contract with every kiss, every caress. It's addictive. I'm lost in him and he in me as we roll around on the top of the comforter feasting on each other. It's all so much deeper than making out. Our encounters, no matter how innocent, have all turned into making love. Not in the physical sense, obviously, but the essence of everything we do builds on top of the last like the walls of a house. We're essentially making love in every sense of the phrase and it's a beautiful frightening thing.
Harry's hands slip under my top just as his phone rings forcing him to groan and me to laugh.
"Don't laugh, you know exactly what we're missing out on," he gripes, grabbing his phone and heading to the front door to verify Garrett's identity.
Hopping up I straighten myself out quickly and rush to the kitchen to fix something to drink since we're technically having company. As I make finger foods and glasses of juice with fresh fruit I hear Garrett come in and Harry immediately walking him to set up in the office. By the time I finish and find trays to sit the food on he's ready for us.
"So," Garrett, a red head man with tattoos cluttering his arms starts, "who's first?"
Harry immediately points to me making me glare at him as I sit down the refreshments.
"I guess I am," I answer, taking a seat on the chaise set up as a makeshift tattooing chair.
"Cool," Garrett says extending his hand to me, "I'm Garrett, from what I understand you want your nipples pierced?"
I blush a bit hearing my request from someone else's lips. "Nice to meet you Garrett, I'm Bailey, and yes."
He nods and starts to grab a pair of gloves, the piercing supplies already laid out glistening in the light, taunting me.
"Okay I'm going to need you to take your shirt and bra off and then we can get started," he smiles genuinely.
I assume he's trying to make me feel comfortable but I'm stuck on his words. It didn't really hit me until now that I'm really about to do this. In all honesty this is nothing compared to actually having my breast reduction but I wasn't a quarter as nervous then as I am now. After my reduction my nipples became more sensitive than ever. For the first year it hurt to even have cold air hit them, they're better now but still more sensitive than your average. Then there's the fact that no man has ever seen me naked or even half naked outside of my surgeon and Harry. For some reason the idea of him seeing my scars scares me although I doubt he would judge.
Looking up, my eyes connect with Harry's. He looks as if he's searching for any doubts in my mind and upon finding them he opens his mouth to say something. I shake my head, letting him know I'm okay and take a deep breath. My body is tense as I remove my top and bra placing them into Harry's steady hand.
As quickly as he grabbed my clothes he places them to the side and slips his hand into mine in silent support earning an appreciative smile from me.
"Ready?" Garrett asks, utensils in hand.
I lean back and try to smile as I nod my head.
"Great," he replies, "If you're squeamish you might not want to look. You're going to feel the cold of the clamp and then a hard pinch."
I nod again and focus my eyes on the ones I knew would be fixated on me.
Harry gives me a sympathetic smile before it turns to a sneaky smirk as he boasts, "These are going to look so fůcking hot on you."
I start to laugh but then feel the pain in my right nipple and my breath catches. I start to look down but Harry catches my attention.
"Eyes here B, focus," he demands, "Hey the guys want to hang out in a bit. Do you think you'll be up to it?"
Just as I go to answer I feel another hard pinch and inhale way more oxygen than necessary. It feels like someone's pinching the sensitive nub with their nails only deeper. I wait for the wave of pain to pass before letting the breath out and answering him, "I'm down to go."
"You're all done," Garrett says with a proud grin, "They look awesome. I'm going to give you a form of instructions for after care and Åhit like that but they look sick. Also, if you ever want to get tatted to cover your scars let me know I'll leave you my card."
I thank him and nod even though I'm lost in the look of my new nipples. The tiny silver bars jutting through from side to side are officially my new favorite pieces of jewelry. They even look kind of badasÅ with my scars.
"Are they what you expected?" Harry asks, grinning from ear to ear, staring.
I laugh, holding out a hand for my top. "Yes," I giggle, "and I can see they're what you expected too."
His face flashes red as he turns and grabs my clothes. I go into the bathroom to check them out further and give him time to walk Garrett out. I can't believe I actually got them done after so long of waiting. Somehow this makes my breast reduction journey feel complete even though it's been years since I had it done. It was a goal I set for myself and now that it's finally done I feel more accomplished than I probably should. I text Terra a picture filled with happy face emojis. She got hers done her freshman year in college and didn't think I'd be able to deal with the pain and neither did I. I guess I proved the both of us wrong. Her reply is a bunch of fire ball emojis with "Yaaaass" beside them making me laugh.
"You alright in there B?" Harry asks, knocking lightly on the door.
I slip my top over my head quickly and open the door with a wide smile. "I'm great baby," I say, pecking him on the lips as I walk by, "Where are we meeting the boys?"
"At some place sort of like that Gattiland place you were telling me about. I can't remember the name but Lou sent me directions so it's fine," he answers, grabbing his keys.
I nod and follow him out to the car where he opens the door of his Audi for me.
It's a little after two and with the sun high in the sky the way it is Harry's skin and hair seem to glow. A year ago I wouldn't have believed I'd be having these types of thoughts about anyone. But a year ago I didn't know Harry. I didn't realize that my world could be bright all of the time just from him being with me or that the hours in a day weren't enough when spending them with him. A year ago I didn't love him, I didn't love anyone, I didn't think I could and that's the problem.
For the first time I wish I could take it back, every lesson I learned from being destroyed by Charles. Those lessons may have taught me but they hardened me as well. I forced my heart to become too cold to break and in doing so I hammered the last nail in the coffin of my innocent approach to love. Learning love could feel like love, sound like love, even taste like it and be an illusion ruined me. It took away any chance of me having optimism in relationships. I can never look forward to the future, I can only look for the other shoe to drop so I can feel proud of knowing I wasn't fooled. Those lessons stole my naivety and replaced it with the most detrimental things to a relationship since infidelity and lies, skepticism and doubt.
I used to cherish those lessons, even now I still hold onto them like a security blanket. But I can't deny how much I hate myself for hanging onto them. A part of me feels like it's my subconscious' last ditch effort to grasp on to some part of Charlie but that's just too fůcked up of a thought to dwell on. The one thing I know for certain is I wish I could free myself of them. I wish I could just tell Harry I love him and not care about the consequences but I know better. He deserves a woman that can be the total package, a complete person with their inner demons in check. That's not me yet.
I blush as he catches me staring at him. I look away quickly but it's too late. I don't know if he can tell what I was thinking or not. A part of me hopes he can just so I don't have to say it aloud but the other half of me is Åhitting bricks at the possibility. I see the sign above the event center but the sun's glare is so bright I can't read it.
"I can get used to this," he smirks, his head shaking as he pulls to a stop in a parking space.
"Used to what?" I ask, my brows coming together like magnets.
"You," he grins, tapping the space between my eyebrows so I loosen them up. "You keep me on my toes. I really thought you would back out of the piercings but you did it anyway and now look at you, out and about like nothing happened."
I smile proudly, "I guess I really am the strongest person you know huh?"
He leans across the console and kisses my lips softly before getting out to open my door.
The boys are waiting for us at the front of the building and as we walk in together I'm blinded by an assortment of colors and flashing lights. It looks like a casino for children which brings it full circle as to why the big kids I call my friends wanted to come here.
"Which one of you bozos rented the place out?" I joke, noticing no one is here outside of the workers.
Niall's face flushes, telling the truth he won't.
I smile at him before nudging his arm and challenging, "First two people to laser tag choose teams."
We all take off in the general direction and end up there at the same time causing us to laugh and argue over who made it there the quickest. In the end we decide the oldest and youngest of the group chooses teams which meant Harry and Louis were "team captains." I was Harry's first pick then Niall, much to his excitement.
"Harry's a beast at this game," Niall brags proudly.
I raise my eyebrows in surprise, "Is that so? I'd think he'd be tripping over his own two feet with how clumsy he is."
Harry swats my butt playfully and points his finger at me, "Watch it B, it's not too late for me to trade you for Zayn."
I roll my eyes as hard as I can before we enter the dark room where we grab our gear.
As we dress Niall tells me how happy he is that I'm here. I thought it was a sentimental thing until he finished his sentence. He was only glad that with me it made six people so the teams could be even now. I nudged him and told him that next round he was on Louis' team and I was coming after him every chance I got.
So we spent the better part of the day swapping teammates around playing rounds of laser tag until we all were soaked in sweat. I got my revenge on Niall and I got to see how good Harry is at the game. When we went against each other we spent most of the time making out until the round was almost over but I used it to my advantage and snuck in my one shot of the round. Outside of that round he had thousands of points each time, and by the time we finished his team had won five out of the six games we played.
To cool off we decide to head to the go carts and speed around to air dry. The boys start placing bets on who will win their races and hand me the money to hold onto since I'll be the judge on the sidelines.
"Haz you want in?" Liam asks, easing into the shiny black go-kart.
Harry's steady voice comes from behind me, "Maybe next round. You boys go ahead."
Liam nods with a wide smile and gets behind the wheel.
The young man working makes sure they're all strapped in safely and then lights the green light for them to go.
I cheer the boys on, laughing as they zoom off, their hair flying in the wind. The go-karts drift so as they hit the corners I send up a prayer they don't hit each other and thank God Harry didn't go with them.
Harry slides his arms around me and onto the guard rail in front of us. I'm shrouded in warmth, which I'm glad for since it's gotten colder as night falls.
As we watch the boys swivel about on the track, flipping each other off when they pass someone, I start to trace the heart on Harry's left bicep with my finger.
He doesn't move or say anything initially, probably used to me outlining his multitude of ink, but after a while he laces his right hand through mine stopping me. "You know," he starts, playing with the ring he gave me, "I was going to get more done to that tonight before we came here."
"Were you?" I ask, interested, it looks finished to me. "What were you going to get?"
He takes a second to breathe before the words creep quietly past his lips, "Your name."
My breathing stops and I think my heart does too. Although tattoos can be covered up that's a huge commitment. I always said I would never get someone's name tattooed on me, even if we were married. To go through physical pain for someone's brand" on you is major.
Before I can stop myself my initial reaction rushes out, "Why?"
He takes another deep breath before spinning me around and pulling me closer.
Lifting our clasped hands up between us he looks into my eyes and the look there is so honest it hurts.
"Because I love you," he promises, his speech steady.
I knew what he'd say when I asked the question and yet those three words blindside me. I never knew hearing them from the right mouth could knock me out but it has. I don't know what to say, I can feel my eyes welling and I know he can see them too making me angry with myself for seeming weak.
I want to say it back, God knows I do but I just can't. I can't let him hear me say it. I can't give him that power over me and trust that he won't abuse it. I can't risk him or love making me any crazier than I already am.
A little smile flits across his lips after he realizes. It's a smile that says he gets it. He understands why I can't say it back but more than that he understands that I love him too.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What's up my good people!!!!
Hope yall enjoyed the chapter! Thanks for waiting a little longer for the chapter I hope it was worth the wait!!
This chapter's Question...
Are yall cool with how the story is going?
This chapter...
Once again even though bombs were dropped this was another filler up until the end! The story progresses a bit more next chapter and stays that way for the chapters afterwards!
This chapter's song...
Tattooed Heart by Ariana Grande. I love this song and it fit pretty well with the chapter especially towards the end of the chapter!
As for new follower S/O's...
This time we have:
_deliriumdd, JadaElie, yxngqueen, Xo_Gemini_Xo, _broken_home_harry_, becauseofyou101, Anastasiaa1020, aphmum, mysterious1002, Rissa45, kiera678, DianaMartinez435, Shortee3040, AleshajtBarbie, UnbreakableSmile101, karriejohnson, topshopwhxre, unawesomelycool, sourplums, pink26599, ZAaali, and Mstaylor513!!!
Thanks so much for following and I hope I don't disappoint!
Invite your friends to read and follow and leave me some feedback in the comments!! I love hearing from yall!!!!
Until Next Time,
WBN