Mistakes. It seems in my life I make a lot of them whether on purpose or by accident. They always seem to happen and the always bare consequences that make me regret them.
My latest mistake came in the form of me rejecting Harry's idea of me coming to meet him in Paris later this week. Originally he was supposed to be gone for three days but because there are a series of fashion shows happening in Paris for the next two weeks management thought it'd be good press for the lads to be seen at a few of them throughout a week's time. I was disappointed but I understood and upon expressing that, Harry suggested I fly over to meet him and finish the week out together.
He seemed very keen on the idea. In fact his exact words were, "Why don't you fly in and spend the end of the week with me. We can recreate our New Year's Eve kiss and spend the weekend exploring the city."
Although the idea of it sounded appeasing and ridiculously romantic I declined his offer saying, "That sounds great love but I don't think I'm really up for it. Just take the time out to have fun, I mean we could use a break from each other."
I thought my statement was harmless enough, I even giggled at the end of it for emphasis on my joking intention. However somehow the way the words left my mouth didn't arrive the same to Harry's ears leading us to this huge fight we're in.
"I just find it funny that I tell you I love you last night and now today you tell me we need space. I mean I thought this relationship was going somewhere Bailey," he sighs, looking beaten down.
Quickly I defend, "It is!"
"Are you sure about that?" he indignantly asks before stopping himself and taking in a deep breath with his eyes closed, long lashes fluttering against his cheeks. Upon opening his eyes I see the softness in them has returned. "Look B, I'm not upset that you haven't said it back, I understand that people move at different paces. My problem is as per usual you're pushing me away. I don't know what else I can do," he explains, a look of depletion on his face.
My heart hurts for him, I know he means well. It's not about him and I thought we both knew that. I just constantly have a lot on my mind and now with the possibility of us being pregnant there's even more on my plate.
I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck. "I just have a lot to think about while you're gone Harry it's not personal baby."
His expression drops further, "I know it's just... I don't get you. You're the one thing in my life I can't figure out and it's driving me crazy."
I sigh again, audibly this time. I don't know what to say to him that won't sound like an excuse. "We only have a little while before you leave Harry, I don't want to spend it arguing."
His head begins shaking before I can even finish. "No," he states defiantly, "This is something we need to discuss. I'm drawing a line in the sand here."
His reply sparks my feistier side, my eyebrow shooting up in question. "I'm just trying to take care of myself Harry."
He huffs, looking around confused. "What's that supposed to mean? We're in a relationship Bailey we take care of each other, that's how it works. What does you pulling away and acting like you don't want this have to do with taking care of yourself?"
It's news to me that he feels as if I don't want to be with him but my anger has taken over and the thought gets pushed to the back of my mind for further pondering later. "I never said I didn't want you. I want to be with you but I need to protect myself," I explain, voice raised.
"But you know I wouldn't hurt you," he replies heatedly- clearly more out of confusion and frustration than anger.
"Unintentional pain hurts just as badly Harry."
He shakes his head, irritably mumbling under his breath. It's clear he doesn't get it.
"What'd you say?" I ask, attitude sharp - ready for a fight. I don't think he'll respond until he does.
He looks up narrowing his eyes at me before speaking, "I said - How did we get here? I'm always the one to blame and I haven't even done anything. You're always innocent and I'm always the villain even though I'm here for you, you just never allow me to be."
I open my mouth to retort but he keeps talking, raising his voice.
"Do you think you'll ever stop trying to complicate us Bailey? You do realize every fight we have is basically you being cross with me because I want us to have a real relationship?
Even though I didn't start this particular argument I don't answer because he's not lying for the most part. I realize how difficult I make it for him to be with me. But he doesn't realize how hard it is to allow him to be with me. This was never a part of the plan, falling in love, even falling into a relationship. Some days I wish we had never met just so I could keep him from having to deal with me. Fear has always frozen me, it's only worsened now that I'm faced with the person that scares me the most every single day.
"We all have inner demons we have to face but we can do this," he sits down beside me and reaches for my hand, his tone and expression softer than before, "together."
I jerk away from his touch, hopping up to my feet. His words shouldn't anger me like they do but my shoulders are tight with annoyance.
"I'm trying to help you!" he growls, still seated on the couch.
"No! You're trying to fix me," I accuse, poking my chest so hard it hurts, "I don't want to be fixed. I like my demons, they fuel me. They're what make me. Stop trying to change that."
He shoots up from his seat carrying an attitude of his own. "You're so selfish. I can find it in myself to trust in our potential even though you demand guarantees but won't offer any of your own. You give me your body but you make sure to hold your heart away and that's the thing I really want."
I stand there stuck on stupid, not knowing how to turn the argument in my favor.
After a while of staring me down he shakes his head, brown locks swinging from side to side. "You just don't get it and I was fine with it before - I thought you would move past it the more time we spent together. It isn't until now that I began to doubt you'll ever change or that you even want to."
I struggle to say something but no words will come out. As my heart races, speaking the words my mouth won't, I watch him walk out the door with his bags and slam it behind him without so much as a goodbye hoping it won't be for the last time.
~*~
"This just wasn't in the plan ma. I never wanted this but now that I have it I don't want to let it go," I explain, hearing that selfishness Harry was talking about.
After he stormed out I picked up the phone to call him but ended up dialing my mom's number instead. She's always understood what I went through because she had a similar experience in high school before meeting my dad. Although I probably should've I'm glad I didn't call Harry. I wouldn't know what to say to him even if I did call. It's best to let him and the argument calm down so we don't end up saying things we don't mean.
"I get what you're saying but situations like this can't tell time. You can't love people with a foot out the door baby," my mom explains. I can hear the sadness for me in her voice and it breaks my heart.
She was there for me when I fell apart after Charlie so she saw what I went through. She knows better than anyone how I felt so I know she knows why I'm holding back.
"I know ma," I reply dejectedly, "I'm just scared. I've never been with someone who cares about me like he does. It feels too good to be true. I can't help waiting for the other shoe to drop."
She laughs lightly. "Baby, worrying is like a rocking chair it gives you something to do but you don't get anywhere. I swear you're just like your daddy." She then yells to him, "Mitchell you cursed our baby girl with your damn negativity!"
He yells something back that sounds like, "She's not in my house, not my problem!"
I laugh in spite of my sour mood. My parents never fail to make me smile even when it's the last thing I want to do. Harry's kind of like them that way.
The difference between them is they're the only people I've been able to love and not fůck it up. With Harry I can't help but feel I'm one argument away from screwing the pooch. I push him away to save him before I strip him of whatever it is I end up taking from everyone else that makes them leave me. The only common denominator between me and the people that have left is me. I don't hate myself but I know myself and I'll eventually fůck things up. I don't want to drag him down, I care too much for him to ever do that. And yet I love myself too much to give up a good thing while I have it.
As my parents launch into one of their overly loud discussions, that I always thought were arguments but they firmly denied were anything of the sort, I end the phone call.
Breathing out I look at the time. Harry's in the air by now, thirty-thousand feet above my bull, finally flying away. A part of me wishes he would just stay overseas, find a nice non-complicated girl, and forget all about me. I could learn to be happy alone again. I could even smile at the magazines when I saw that he was engaged to her. I'd whisper to myself, "Good for him," while holding back tears and fighting off regret. I could do it. I don't want to but I could.
My phone rings, startling me from my misty eyed thoughts. Reaching for the rattling device I see Terra's calling and answer it with a smile.
"I was just about to call you."
She laughs, "Well you know us and our cousin telepathy. Speaking of, I'm feeling a disturbance in the force... are you alright?"
The tears I thought I pushed back fall as I cough out a laugh, knowing full well her feeling came in the form of my mother's big mouth and quick dialing finger. "No," I cry, trying to keep it together but failing.
I hear Terra tell me to take my time and to tell her what's going on so I do. Through choked sobs and a stuffy nose I tell her everything from my aching newly pierced nipples to fears about my past to Harry telling me he loves me to our fight to him feeling like I don't want him and finally the thing that made her go silent on the other end, our possible baby.
"T," I sniff, after a longer period of silence than what's acceptable for any good tea spilling session.
She lets out a slow shaky breath before mumbling, "I'm here... I'm just in shock. I mean... Christ Bailey a baby? Your mama is gonna shįt bricks!"
I sigh, tears welling again at the disappointed reaction I see her having in my head. "I know I-"
"No I mean she's really going to flip. Like I'm worried for Harry's safety. How big are his security guards?" Terra interrupts, sounding petrified.
Maybe it's her tone of voice or the situation itself but I laugh, loud and hard. It's freeing, I already feel a bit of the pressure on my chest lifting slightly. "Be serious T," I scold, still laughing.
She joins in giggling, "I am! You know how your mama is, not to mention your brothers. The only one that's probably going to be cool is Uncle Mitch."
I giggle at the nickname she's had for my dad ever since we were kids. "I know T...but what am I supposed to do?"
She sounds as if she's moving around before answering, "Well first things first you should've told that man. He already told you he loved you. The only better response than saying it back would've been to tell him you're possibly growing a mini Directioner in your belly."
I roll my eyes but continue to listen.
"Second, you need to take a test and set up an appointment with your gyno. If you're pregnant Le you need to know this isn't anything to play with. You're worried he's going to leave you now for nothing, you don't want to be the reason his kid gets hurt or doesn't develop properly you'll really be in hot water then."
My heart speeds and my hands instinctively clutch my stomach at the thought. "T shut up!"
"You're right, sorry! I got carried away. All I'm saying is you need to take a test so you know for sure."
I nod even though she can't see me and put her on hold before walking over to my purse where the at-home test has been sitting at the bottom underneath all of my junk since Saturday. My anxiety is through the roof and I feel as if I'll have a full-fledged panic attack but I breathe my way through it. Heading to the bathroom in our bedroom I say a tiny prayer that God's will be done.
Although I don't necessarily want kids at all or right now, I know that if I'm with Harry for the long haul it's bound to happen. He loves kids and I know that he'll want some of his own.
As I place the test on the counter and set a timer on my phone I glare at the screen for the results. I had to get a cheaper one from the gas station close to the house since I've hardly been out of Harry's sight all weekend. I would've loved to have grabbed one of every type from Walgreens but I didn't have the time to find one in my midnight run to the store. By the time I made it back he was awake and asking where I had been and if I was okay. I thanked God I thought ahead and bought a soda, blaming an upset stomach for my silent escape.
"Alright T," I explain, taking her off of hold, "I'm waiting for the timer to go off."
Breathing out she replies, "Good. So now we wait. In the meantime we'll discuss the rest of this rat's nest you call a life."
I can't help but laugh at the accuracy.
"On the matter of your past, we've discussed this a million times. You've got to let that old shįt go. Can you honestly think of one friend or guy from your past that you want back?"
"No," I almost yell, knowing it with the full certainty of my heart and mind.
"Okay then," she says as if it's self-explanatory, "Why hold onto the memories if you wouldn't want the people?"
Her words hit hard and they hit home. I wish it was that easy, to just turn it off but it's not. Reacting is what I've trained myself to do for almost the last decade. I don't even know if I can relearn how to just live without making sure I have an eye on the exit door.
"As far as him feeling like you don't want him," she continues, "Just get it together Le before you lose him." I can hear the fear for me in her voice. She knows what losing him would do to me and she knows that if he leaves this time, it's for good.
"What do you want me to do? I'm trying." A part of me feels like that's a lie but I shut it down. I am trying...aren't I? My stomach is aching and in knots.
"You might be Bailey but it's clearly not enough. Why do it at all if he can't feel it? Do whatever it takes. Fake it till you make it. Isn't that what you always told me? I don't know maybe you should think about seeing a therapist again."
"That's not a terrible idea, I'll look into seeing someone," I pause, my mind wandering back to the million times I told her to fake it and I wish could take them all back. Faking it kept me out of therapy for years, it kept me bound to my anxiety like a ball and chain, it kept me shackled to my situationship with Charlie doing undue damage. I hate that I've been such a terrible example for her over the course of my life.
"I'm going to be real with you for a second. Faking it gets you nowhere T, trust me. That was the dumbest advice I've ever given you," I spit, disgusted with myself for even suggesting it.
She's silent for a while, probably to allow me time to collect my thoughts. "You're right Le. I just want you to be happy."
"I know you do T. I love you," I reply, a genuine smile lighting my face.
"I love you more Le. Hey, I've got to go, my date's here, but let me know what the test says, just text it to me. Hang in there boo, but most importantly follow your heart. And if that fails then fake it even though you think it's dumb, the boy is fine as fůck."
I laugh and shake my head, hanging up the phone. That girl is wild.
The silence of the house screams at me that it's time to check the test. The alarm on my phone didn't go off since I was on the phone but the notification says it's ten minutes passed time. Taking tentative steps toward the bathroom I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth calmingly. My stomach is in shambles so before looking at the test I stop at the toilet to do my business.
My breath hitches in my throat at the sight in my underwear, forcing me off of the porcelain throne and to the counter. Pee will have to wait, I have to see. Sitting there in all it's glory is a lone vertical line beaming at me from the screen of the test.
I thought I would be happier but instead of glee filling my chest an unknown feeling seeps in through the cracks and settles in for the night.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What's up my good people!!!!
Hope yall enjoyed the chapter! I decided to update earlier because I got it done! I also didn't have my surgery Friday like I was supposed to *eyeroll* so it's been put off until mid May because I have a Rihanna concert to go to first lol Enjoy yalls weekend!!!
This chapter's Question...
Are you glad B isn't pregnant?
This chapter...
Chile this one was hard to write lol I hate having my babies fight so it was hard for me to get into it. I just want B to accept his love so they can live happily ever after buuut that's not how the story goes so lol
This chapter's song...
Brave by Jhene Aiko. Yall should've known there would be more Jhene, she's my queen lol This song I think describes Bailey's feelings more than any other song so far. She's scared and still broken even though for years she's fooled herself into thinking she wasn't. Being faced with real love has brought all of these feelings up she can't deal with (hence her pulling away and back and forth) and it has her doubting herself (just like old times)! Not only can I relate to this song but I feel like it's so beautifully Bailey from start to finish. I'd recommend listening to it to get more into her head.
As for new follower S/O's...
This time we have:
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Thanks so much for following and I hope I don't disappoint!
Invite your friends to read and follow and leave me some feedback in the comments!! I love hearing from yall!!!!
Until Next Time,
WBN