It's been a few days since our...unorthodox apology and so far things have been great. It's a day by day process but we've been so wrapped up in one another that we haven't had much time for fighting. I realized the abusive qualities to my behavior and have decided that no matter what I'm going to give a solid effort to changing my ways, he's worth it. I can't guarantee that I'll be able to fully give him my heart just yet but I can try my best not to hurt his.
I watch him as he leaves out the front door with a trash bag full of takeout boxes we've collected since he's been home. Thank goodness for all the calories we've been burning because we've been packing them on with order after order of Chinese food. Our routine hasn't veered much from eating, having sex, and watching Empire on Hulu.
Pushing the power button on the remote E News pops up. He clearly has been sneaking and watching the Kardashians again. I roll my eyes. A headline rolls in, catching my attention before I can change the channel.
"Has Harry Styles and his latest lady called it quits? Or is the boy band hottie reverting back to his bachelor days prematurely?"
My finger involuntarily presses the button to turn the volume up. My heart feels like it's stopped beating, trying to hear what'll be said next.
"Mr. Styles is allegedly back on the market so watch out ladies," the male host says with a golden smile.
"I can hear the sighs of relief from all over the world Terry," the female host cuts in grinning giddily, "According to an interview he did at a fashion show in Paris this past week he had no idea where his latest, possibly ex, girlfriend, internet author Bailey Duncan, was."
"That's right Ariana," Terry says, "And if that wasn't bad enough, the British singer then said it didn't matter where she was because he was there with his ex, Tara Maverick, and to add insult to injury planted a big smooch on her cheek."
"Ouch," Ariana replies, feigning a pained expression, "We've reached out to Bailey's rep for comment but so far we've heard nothing back. Hopefully Bailey and Harry can work things out but if not he and Tara sure are cute."
"They sure are. We have the clip of the interview here, you be the judge," Terry grins pointing towards the camera.
As I watch I try to rationalize it in my head.
He was angry with me. He did this out of spite. I've been giving him every reason to act this way.
Fůck that.
I'm seething. I may be a little fůcked up emotionally and yes I take it out on our relationship from time to time but shįt like this is why I have issues trusting men. Whether he was kidding or he did this trying to get back at me it doesn't matter. He made me look like a fool to the world. Who knows how many times they've aired this since it happened. We've been so unplugged that I missed it.
Was that his intention? To keep me so doped up on dįck and Chinese food that I wouldn't notice his indiscretion?
The front door flies open and I leap to my feet ready to duke it out over this. As Harry appears around the corner I see an emotion on his face I don't see often, rage.
My eyes flit across his frame,checking for what could've possibly offended him so badly, and stop stalk stiff at his right hand. Clutched between his fingers is the box I thought I'd gotten rid of so perfectly.
The morning after our 'apology' I went to the bathroom and found I'd thrown the box away carelessly at the top of the trash. Had he stuck to his plan of staying overseas those extra days it wouldn't have been a problem but since he came back early I had to get rid of it more covertly. I've been holding it hostage ever since, trying to wait until trash day to get rid of it. I've hid it in what felt like a million different places until this morning when I knew he'd have to take the trash out. I snuck it inside of a takeout box and clasped the box closed so it couldn't easily escape, then pushed the box to the middle of the trash pile and covered it. It was a messy job but worth it once I saw him leave with the full bag of trash, none the wiser to the secrets it contained beneath the stench of soy sauce.
But now here he stands, red faced and breathing heavily, the evidence grasped in a grip so tight his knuckles are white.
"What is this?" he asks, his voice is calm but his eyes tell his true emotion, he's raging inside.
I open my mouth then close it, trying not to answer in the sassy way I normally would. No need to add fuel to an already blazing fire. "It's a pregnancy test box," I answer plainly.
He looks up at the ceiling, exasperated, then suddenly throws the box against the wall. The sound isn't heavy but the frustration behind his actions strike a nerve in me.
"What the hell Bailey? The fůcking trash bag ripped and imagine my surprise when that torpedoes out of a takeout box. Is that why you haven't made me wear any protection these past few days? Are you pregnant?" His tone calms down the more he speaks. If I'm not mistaken I hear a bit of hope in his voice.
"I'm not pregnant Harry I was just late and wanted to check. I ended up getting my period before I could even see the results. I went to the doctor to get a birth control shot before you came home."
He seems fine with my answer until my words fully hit him, "So you waited until I was in another country to take the test instead of just telling me, your boyfriend and father of the baby, that you were checking to see if you were carrying my child?"
"I guess so yeah. It's not uncommon to not tell people right away Harry."
His eyes grow twice their size and his hands fly up, "I'm not people Bailey. We're a team. Had you been pregnant I would've missed such a pivotal moment for us as a couple all because you don't trust me enough to open up. This is a serious matter and you didn't say shįt to me about it. You probably were never going to tell me were you?"
My immediate answer is no but seeing how upset he is about this I don't want to piss him off further. Instead I go with my second mind and reply, "I don't know. I hadn't thought that far ahead."
"You're lying," he spits shaking his head, a scornful smirk on his flushed lips. "You took way too long to answer. I can't believe you. This is almost unforgiveable."
His words re-spark the anger in me I held before he stormed in. "This is unforgiveable? You act like I aborted our kid Harry. Newsflash, there never was one. I didn't see the point in getting your hopes up for nothing. I know how much you want a family someday and you know how hesitant I am to start one. We're not in the right place for a baby so excuse me for taking some time before I changed our lives forever, excuse me for keeping it to myself to avoid this argument."
I watch my words sink in and grab the remote from the couch rewinding the television. I haven't forgotten about what he did. He's not getting off easily just because I got caught, hell he did too.
"Since we're on the topic of airing secrets out," I say pressing play just before the interview video clip starts, "What the fůck is this?"
He watches himself in action and I can't read his emotion. Mine however is very clear, I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I trusted him to respect me and our relationship enough not to intentionally make it a headline. I'm pissed that I've been looking like an idiot now for days. But most of all I'm pissed he didn't try to warn me, even after we made up he just let me be blindsided.
"It's just an interview Bailey it was a joke," he explains making me roll my eyes.
"Really? A joke? Had I done this you would be through the roof right now. This is borderline cheating!" I exclaim, pointing towards the TV where his Judas behavior is being talked about by the hosts of the show.
"You're overreacting it was a kiss on the cheek. You know I would never cheat on you Bailey," he replies, walking closer to me by a few steps.
I can see exactly what he's doing. He's trying to calm me down by using his inside voice. Where's angry Harry that came in here throwing around chow mein covered trash? That's who I want to talk to, not this placating imposter.
"Don't invalidate my feelings Harry," I grit, "I hate that."
His eyes flash wildly, "I'm not. I'm just saying, you hid things from me, this is no different. Now you know how it feels to have shįt hit you out of left field."
I scoff loudly, "Are you kidding? What I did and what you did is like comparing apples and oranges. It doesn't matter if you would never cheat, that's not what the world sees."
"What does it matter? They don't control what we do," he stresses, throwing his hands up again.
"It matters because you made me look like a fool. You know my history with that and yet you still did it only better. You didn't just make me look like a fool now but for the rest of our relationship to the entire world. Your fans will forgive you, the world will forgive you, because you are who you are but who am I? I'm nobody but the girl who shouldn't have been with you in the first place. I get no sympathy or understanding, I get berated. From now on I'm the idiot that stayed with you after you cheated on me and practically shouted it from the rooftops."
"I did no such thing. Stop talking about this like I did anything with her. I would never, I could never," he strains, running worried fingers through his loose waves.
"You can't be so naive to think people aren't going to assume you fůcked her. Especially since the reps I don't even freaking have haven't given a comment to the press about it. If anything is damn near unforgiveable it's this. You said you wouldn't hurt me and yet you've made me look so weak Harry and I hate it. I've already told you I won't be a doormat to anyone ever again."
"There you go again," he gripes, shaking his head.
My head cocks to one side, confusion taking over my face. "Here I go again? How does this get turned around on me when you're in the wrong here? You're not perfect Harry, I know it's a shocker to me too but we'll get over it."
He opens his lips as if he's going to speak but shakes his head instead and turns away, walking towards the bedroom.
I know I should let it go but I'd rather hash it out now than wait, I see how well that turned out last time. Walking into the bedroom I see him shoving his feet into his boots before getting up to grab his keys from the dresser.
"Where are you going?" I ask, arms folded across my chest, more to hug myself than to look intimidating.
"I don't want to deal with this right now," he replies grabbing his wallet and keys.
Not wanting him to go again I yell, "You do this way too often. Every time we fight you leave. What do you have another trip overseas to take?"
He spins around on a dime. "That's my job. You knew that when we got together."
"So hanging in clubs with girls all over you and kissing other people is part of your job too?" I question sassily, holding my arms tighter to my body.
"Yes!" he shouts, "It's part of it, I'm an entertainer. I have a persona that people pay for. Does is suck? Yes. Has it ruined relationships before? Yes. That's why when I'm here I try so dÄmn hard to make you feel, make you know, that you're it for me. Nothing ever happens with those girls. You can't believe ever piece of gossip you hear."
His words soften me a bit but not enough to dead the conversation, it feels like we're getting somewhere. "That's hard to do when our communication is next to none while you're away Harry. The only way I can keep up with what's going on with you is from what I hear."
My words seem to have the opposite effect on him, frustrating him more. "It's because of this â the fighting, the nagging."
I pull back dejected, as if I've been splashed in the face with freezing cold water.
His eyes immediately soften and he walks towards me, arms open to hold me, "Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I'm just upset. I-"
Stepping out of his reach I mellow my voice, "You don't have to handle me Harry. I'm a big girl. If you said it you meant it. It's fine."
"You see, this is what I hate. When you shut down and write me off like that," he explains, his hands acting out his irritation, "I don't like to, but I don't mind the fighting at least I know you're being open with me, but this... I don't know what to do with this."
"How am I supposed to act when you say hurtful shįt Harry? I don't want to curse and scream at you, I don't want to hit you so I'll just shut up. You win. I've dealt with enough crap like this for one lifetime I don't want to keep it going anymore," I grumble, trying to stave off unshed tears. This whole conversation got overwhelming fast.
"See, there it is. You keep trying to make me into the people from your past. When are you going to realize I'm not like them?" he asks genuinely.
I understand he's not but sometimes, there are glimpses that take me back. "I'm trying-" I start but he interrupts me.
"No Bailey, you're not. This isn't about what they did to you or even what I did. This is about what you think you deserve and for whatever reason you don't feel like you deserve good things in your life. You let your fear of the good going away stop you from enjoying it while it's there," he says with a sad smile.
"Whatever Harry," I respond, not knowing what else to say, "You don't know me."
"But I do," he laughs, his dimples entering the scenario and taking my breath away. "I know you better than you allow me to and that kills you. It kills you that no matter what you do I'm not leaving and giving you another reason to justify the way you choose to be â guarded like this. You don't trust anything or anyone and that's a problem."
I don't say anything. Knowing he's right, I turn away from him.
"You think I'm not afraid as well?" he asks, turning me to him, his hands caressing my shoulders, "You think I'd be even remotely okay if this didn't last? I've never met anyone who strikes as much fear in my heart as you do. So when I tell you I love you know that I'm scared to death. My heart jumps further into my throat with each word but if I'm going all in with anyone it's going to be you."
"Why?" I ask before I can stop the word from leaving my mouth. I clise my eyes, wishing the tears welling in them away.
"Because you see me for me. You keep me in check and you're never afraid to call me on my shįt. In spite of the fame, the girls, the media you just see plain old Harry. And regardless of your reservations about this you're still here. You went from being able to live your life in peace to having people follow you around taking pictures of you and having every move you make be placed under a microscope. Everything I thought would send you running only made your stubborn arse stick around," he laughs at his last comment. "Having your relationship analyzed and scrutinized by everyone is hard, it's damaging. It's like trying to start a fire in the rain, it takes patience, understanding. You're the only one who's taken the time out to see it through, hesitantly sure but you still stuck through it for me. That makes me feel so valued Bailey, and even though it hasn't been easy we've set fire to the rain. So much so that the outside noise doesn't have to matter. As long as you and I stay focused on each other we'll be fine. I don't want to ever make you feel like I'm ignoring the sacrifices you've made for me. I just get overwhelmed and feel like shįt sometimes because you're helping me grow and I just want to help you do the same."
Helping him grow is news to me. I thought all I did was give him grief. In the spirit of being more open, I tell him so.
He laughs, a delightful sight and sound after all of the yelling that took place. We walk together to the bed and take seats along the side before he explains, "You're not the only one who has a hard time opening up sweetheart. It's just with you for me... it's easy. In a way it's because of what you've been through I know you wouldn't put me through the same thing. I've never been with someone who I felt was truly responsible enough to handle my heart until you. In return I'm trying to be just as responsible for you, grow up a little. I failed at that with that interview and I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to let your guard down and be totally vulnerable, I get it. I get frustrated because I know you can do it. I know that I try so hard not to hurt you and I want you to know that too, but I get it. I've been in your position in every relationship until now, that's the main reason they never worked out. But because I've been where you are, I understand you and I'm not going to give up."
His words make my nose burn with unshed tears. I lean my head back, closing my eyes, willing them away. "Sometimes I wish you would," I admit, my voice betraying me and breaking, "I hate being so guarded with you but sometimes I can't help it. I'm broken... at least that's what it feels like. . I-I just... I care so much about you Harry, so much it scares me some- all of the time. I don't want you to ever feel trapped and end up resenting me for it. I'd rather you be happy with someone else than suffer even one day with me."
His fingers grip my chin firm enough so I can't move but soft enough that it feels like a caress. "Have you ever thought that maybe I'm too busy being yours to ever start something with anyone new? It doesn't matter who it is, they'll never ever in a million years be you. You're complicated and sexy and such a beautiful person, broken or not. But most of all, you're mine just like I'm yours and nothing is going to change that. We could fight a million times and I'd still come back to you and you'd still come back to me because we love each other."
I can't hold myself back anymore. Leaning over I crash my lips into his, kissing him with everything I can. I want to make him feel my love, it's more important than saying it. Anyone can say I love you, but to make someone feel it is a beast of it's own although this beautiful man deserves both. Releasing his mouth, I clasp his bottom lip between mine sucking hard then kissing it gently.
He lets out a shaky breath then grins, "I love you too. Now can we please stop fighting? I have something for you."
I laugh, shaking my head as he stands up and grabs his wallet from the dresser.
"I know we tabled the conversation about you quitting your job and pursuing writing full time after the deal with Evergreen Publishing fell through; but I have good news. I was at a party in London and ran into this guy," he explains, producing a business card from his wallet.
I read the words Oak Market Publishing across the top and immediately my heart speeds up. What are the odds the same father and son team I worked for at Reynolds Inc. would be the same people to possibly offer me the opportunity of a lifetime? This feels like a sign.
"He normally works with Fantasy authors but from what he told me, he's hungry and ready to branch out. I know you wanted to do this all on your own but you were kind of bummed about the other deal falling through. I just wanted to help," he explains, letting his boots fall from his feet and clunk onto the floor.
Shifting on the bed I grab his head in my hands, placing our foreheads together. He closes his eyes and breathes me in.
"You infuriatingly sweet man." My words are a whisper against his lips.
His delicate bubble gum lips; they seem too pink and too dainty to be on a man but they're perfect. Kissing those lips is like my own personal slice of heaven on earth. Just like writing, his lips take me to a different plane, somewhere where everything is sweeter and feels better the longer I'm there.
"Alright enough," he laughs, pulling away after pecking my lips, "We have to leave this house; work off some of this pent up aggression."
Seeing the gleam in my eyes he shakes his head, still laughing.
"Get your mind out of the gutter. We're going to go box."
I roll my eyes dramatically and groan, falling back onto the bed as he gets up to get dressed.
I laugh to myself at the show I'm putting on. He could've told me we were swimming the Pacific Ocean and I would've agreed.
How did I get so lucky to have the love of a man as sweet as this?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What's up my good people!!!!
I hope yall enjoyed the chapter! I've been pretty busy with finals but I only have two left (hopefully I'll finish them tomorrow) and then I'm FREE!! I don't know when school ends for anybody reading this but I'm hoping to upload way more frequently this summer! I'm ready to wrap this book up (although I'll miss B and Harry) I'm excited to start on Lost Secrets. If you have no clue what I'm talking about, check out the book in my works, it's a spinoff for Andrea, a character in Book 1 of my Awake Trilogy!
This chapter's Question...
Do yall think Bailey let Harry off too easily? How would you have reacted?
(I can tell you now Harry would've been WAY worse for wear if it was me and not B. Trust me when I say he got off SUPER easy in my opinion I would've been wilding lmao Not only did you lowkey play me on national tv like we broke up but then you were with your ex kissing her cheek? Oh helll no lol)
This chapter...
I wanted to show yall the progress Bailey is making (yall have been reading my girl for filth lol) but also show that our golden boy isn't as perfect as I've been writing him to be. I started to reread the story and I realized I was writing Harry from the glossy eyed perspective of a fan. I personally love him so I was writing him as this super perfect prince charming so Bailey's issues that she's dealing with made a super stark comparison between the two and made her look like a total fuck up lol Now don't be alarmed I'm not going to totally change who Harry is now that I see what I've done (that's just bad writing lol) but I won't shy away from giving him a few flaws every now and again. I think I avoided it before because I don't really know him and I didn't want to give him any issues he doesn't actually have but I can't risk having everyone hate B in order to 'savior' Harry...does that make sense? lol
This chapter's song...
If I Could Fly by One Direction. Fun fact, this is my favorite song on Made in the A.M. and probably my favorite 1D song EVER! I wanted to use it for the book SO badly and this felt like the perfect chapter to do so. Although the chapter isn't all lovey dovey like the song, I feel like it still represents the song pretty well. What I'm learning writing this story is that love isn't always perfect, you aren't going to always get along or understand your partner but at the end of the day if they're the one you want to see and be with it's all worth it to keep working at it...At least that's the point I'm hoping I'm getting across lol Plus I feel like this song describes both Bailey and Harry in how private they are with their feelings and although B can't always express herself the way she should or the way we want her to, when she does it's only for Harry and the same with him, his heart is only for her. (Once again I hope this is coming across lmao)
As for new follower S/O's... OVER 500 FOLLOWERS YALL!!!!! OMFG!!! I'M SCREAMING!! I'VE GOT A SPECIAL GIFT FOR YALL AT THE END OF THE WEEK, JUST WAIT ON IT ;)
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Until Next Time,
WBN