Chapter 37: Losin Control

Harry's P.O.V.

"She's standing right in front of me."

The lyrics fall from my lips clumsily and my voice cracks as I try to change pitch. Sighing I remove the headphones from my ears and slip them around my neck. "Can we pick this up some other time? My voice is just off today."

Ernie, the producer I'm working with on this single, nods and starts to work on saving what we have.

The band is taking another break in a few months so I thought what better time to release my first official solo single. I've been working diligently on this song but at the moment I'm stuck - my inspiration drained, gone. I'm at one of the most pivotal moments in my career right now and the one person I want to share it with is a thousand miles away. Hell, it's because of her pushing me that I'm even taking this step and now she's not here to bask in the fruits of her labor. I'm trying to be understanding but it's hard - I want her here, she should be here.

Grabbing my leather jacket, I say goodbye to Ernie and head for my bike. I need to feel the wind crashing against my face to clear my head. But back at home, I'm wishing I had stayed at the studio. There are too many memories here. We've made love in every part of this house and God knows we've fought in every part of it too.

I laugh to myself at the thought. She knows how to rile me up like no one I've ever met, in every way. We're so good together until we hit this wall and then it stops. I can't get through to her when she shuts down and I get frustrated with trying. Things just spiral so fast with us - stupid simple things turn into arguments we don't need to have. We get to the point where we're tip toeing around each other, trying not to set off the next land mine and that's not fair to either of us.

I just can't figure out where the disconnect is between Bailey and I. I love her and I know she loves me, regardless of if she can say it or not, so what's the problem? I was raised to believe that love can fix anything - it solves all. The sad thing is, it's becoming pretty clear that Bailey doesn't believe in love and that scares me because it makes me feel like she doesn't believe in us. I'm realizing because of this, it's my job as the man who loves her to remold her idea of love – to make it right. That task in itself is daunting enough, it doesn't help that she scares the hell out of me. I don't want to hurt her again, I couldn't live with knowing I ruined her when I hold her heart in my hands – regardless of how reluctant she's been to give it to me.

I know I haven't been perfect. I handle my anger incorrectly all of the time and I hate myself for it. Instead of being mature about things and stepping out of my feelings I give into them and allow them to control me. It's different turf with B and I struggle to navigate it. I've never been in a relationship that's tested me, my limits, or my self - control. With Bailey I'm being forced to grow in ways I didn't realize were necessary.

When you're in a relationship you have to talk it out not fight about it. More importantly you have to change – learn and adapt. Truth is I'll say all of this, make all of these realizations and revelations and, if I'm not thinking, the second she pushes my buttons we'll be back screaming at each other. I think that's our biggest problem - we have no follow-through. We talk about all of these changes we need to make and yet the second things start going better we forget all about them like the problems are going to fix themselves.

My mind feels cluttered with all of the thoughts beating around. The house is so quiet without her here I feel like I can hear them clash into one another in my brain. Scratching at the smooth material over my arm, I trudge to the kitchen to grab a quick dinner. She'll be home in a few days, and I'm counting the minutes. I'm missing her like crazy and everything in the house is reminding me of her. I feel like a prisoner in my own home - every room holding it's own torturous memory. To think I won't have the chance to make more of those memories with her breaks my heart. I'm determined to avoid that fate at all costs.

When I spoke with her after her friend's funeral she asked me to write down everything I wanted to say to her but hadn't and I've been working on it. It's so hard for me to do because I have to tap into those feelings I try to bury down deep. The feelings of frustration that we keep hitting this same wall, of anger that I can't just say what I feel, and most of all confusion as to why she can't take a chance on us. There's also the rage I feel for Charles for hurting my sweet girl. I fear sometimes she thinks I don't get it; that I don't understand what he did to her - what he took from her. I understand her hurt and anger at him. What I don't understand is why she's letting it affect us. I think she feels like hating him and making someone pay for his crimes is something she has to do. I don't think she can move on until she feels he acknowledges the shįt he put her through and understands the wonderful bright part of her that he dimmed. I hope and pray she gets that closure while she's in Texas.

I'm wary of the conversation we'll have when she comes home. I can only hope all of this self-exploration we're doing will come in handy and that we can talk and not fight. There's so much inside of me that I want to get out. It's not all pretty or nice and sweet - in fact most of it isn't. I love her but a part of me is so angry at her. I'm not entirely sure if I'm upset because I don't know the reason for the wall she puts up when it comes to me or if it's because I can't understand her sometimes.

I feel like neither of us is fully being ourselves and that in itself makes me furious at us both. I try so hard to be perfect for her because the last guy was so horrible but I can't keep paying for his mistakes and double for my own. I can't keep pretending to not get angry, to not be sad or upset or have feelings that require effort and attention. I need her to be present in this relationship - one hundred percent here. She's the toughest woman to figure out that I've ever dated and although it aggravates me, it entices me as well. I can't live without her but if we can't sustain a healthy love then I may have to learn how to- for both of our sakes.

From the moment she took my hand outside of Starbucks I knew it would be interesting getting to know her. I thought she was crazy for coming with me without knowing me but in my heart I felt such peace and joy that she did. The funny thing is, Dale offered to go get my coffee that day but after some thought, I declined. Had I taken him up on his offer she and I would've never met. I always think back to that moment – it had to have been fate.

Since that day, it's been endless exploration and discovery not only of each other but also of myself. I've learned more about myself in these past six months than I have my entire life. My flaws are so easy to see when I'm with someone who's not afraid to call me on them and stay with me in spite of them. We've had trying times, sure, but more than anything we've made love.

By made love I don't mean just physically I mean we've mentally, emotionally, spiritually conjured love in one another. It took some doing on each of our parts for sure. Our dating histories are abysmal. Neither of us has been able to have a successful healthy relationship and both of our hearts have been damaged by toxic love. We both were wary from the start of letting someone in. She has a fear of me not catching her if she falls and I had a fear of her using me and throwing me aside. My fears were easily calmed once I realized she never exploited our relationship to the media or even to her friends. Once I realized she could be trusted there was nothing in the way of me falling for her.

It started during our friendship. I saw sadness and loneliness in her that I hadn't found in anyone else – I could relate to it. Even though I have great friends and family that I love, this life that I lead can get very lonely. Not to seem conceited, but when you have the ability to elevate someone's lifestyle – celebrity or not – your selection of friends and lovers is very small. I took a chance on a kindred spirit with Bailey and I haven't regretted it. It didn't take long for me to care about her, she was real and honest. I never felt like I had to pretend to be bigger or better with her I could just be me. Everything I did was impressive to her regardless of if I spent money or took her around other celebrities or did anything extravagant. She had this way of letting me know she didn't open herself up often and it made me feel so special. To know that she chose to open up to me made my heart soar.

The care I felt quickly turned to love and once that happened I knew it was over for me. Every day I fell more and more in love with her and it seemed the feelings were mutual. But somewhere along the line things changed. It's like she woke up one morning and became this person that can be so closed off and guarded. I think it was at that point she realized I could hurt her – really truly hurt her, like he did, and things haven't been the same since.

It pains me to know she compares me to him in her mind, on any scale. Sometimes when we're together everything will be great and then gradually she'll go quiet. I'll catch her staring off into the distance and everything about her changes. Her posture, expression, her whole presence is just different. It's like in those moments she's not here with me, she's in that place where everything goes wrong and there's no way back to where we are. I can be looking directly at her but she's seeing past me, through me, and into that place we both fear we'll end up.

I could blame the disconnect we have on our lack of intimacy. Of course we make love often and it's perfect every single time but what I mean by intimacy is vulnerability. I have this theory that if we could just open up to one another she'd get it. She'd be able to see my heart – see the way the letters of her name wind around my veins like ivy, compelling every beat to say her name. She'd know that she's it for me – there is no one else; never will be. I should be bold and brave like she always encourages and just tell her but instead I let her reluctance to share her feelings fuel my own.

In the past, I had girlfriends who handed out their feelings like free samples. The frightening part is they only meant maybe a quarter of them, the rest were used for manipulation or to further their own agenda. With Taylor, for instance, I think she was in love with the idea of love more than me. That doesn't make her a bad person but it does make for a confusing stale relationship – I don't want that for Bailey and I.

The closest I get to seeing B being vulnerable is when we're making love. She's so open and expressive. Sometimes she lets her body speak for her. At other times her communication skyrockets – I never hear her talk more. Either way, I feel like we're so connected when we lie down. Our bodies together, forcing friction, emotion, and love out of one another – the feeling is unmatched. I love hearing her tell me how much she wants me; how much she needs me; every word sounds so real. In the throes of desire her inner thoughts emerge from her like a fresh water geyser. I gulp them down and store them for later when I'm thirsting for those phrases of affection. I commit the need in her voice, the sincerity, to memory - each syllable a sacred hymn.

I'm honored that she gives her body to me, I'm blessed beyond belief that she allowed me to be her first but it's not enough for me. I think she's used to guys who think sex is the ultimate, the end all beat all and that's not who I am. I don't think she understands that I fell in love with her before she ever allowed me to touch her, when we were just friends.

Her personality, her essence; the woman she showed and proved to be is who I fell for - it's who I miss. She's fierce and loyal, sweet and considerate, goofy and yet has one of the most driven analytical minds I've ever seen. She's perfect, she's everything, and I can't help but feel it's my fault that she doesn't know it. Maybe if I tell her every day she'll understand how much she means to me. Perhaps if I'd spend more of my time focused on what's wrong with me I can do my part to fix us.

For one, I don't try hard enough to communicate when we're apart and I know that. I just don't know what to say. If I called all I would say was how much I missed her – nothing else would feel as important. But maybe that's what she needs to hear. I know she has a shaky past with trusting men and yet I do nothing to reassure her when I'm away, especially after that mess of an interview with Tera. I have to show her that I won't break her trust ever again. At the time I didn't think it would be such a hurtful thing for her. Yes, I thought it would make her upset but I didn't think about the true ramifications. Embarrassing her on a world-wide platform set us back a few steps in terms of trust and it's been tough building it back up. I have no one to blame for it but myself. The hard thing about building trust is there's no handbook that lists the steps to do it, it just happens.

Every time we argue, that fight replays in my mind, especially since we were dealing with the aftermath of her pregnancy scare at the same time. I was furious at the both of us for the stunts we'd pulled so every word had more edge on it than what was necessary – I hated that fight. I hated that I had fůcked up. I hated that I wasn't there for her when she took the test. But mostly, I hated it because all I wanted to do was hold her. The fear she must've been feeling tore through my mind as if it was a memory of my own and I wanted to grab her and pull her into my lap to hold her.

Since she's been gone I've had a lot of time to think. I spent the first few days of her absence reflecting on everything she said the night before she left and I've come to the conclusion that I can really be an aŝshole sometimes. I have a habit of taking the defensive instead of listening when we argue. Each of her points was valid that night and thinking back to the events we went to I see how badly I messed up. Of course, I wanted to spare her the social interaction but that doesn't change the fact that I never asked her what she'd like to do or how she'd like to handle the events. Worst of all I never came to check on her. I left her at the table time and time again like a horse to a hitching post. I can see how that would make anyone upset.

I know she's trying. She's trying not to start arguments over temporary situations and I've been taking advantage of that. I'm still used to doing things on my own and only caring about my feelings. I guess I'm still not fully aware of the consequences of my actions when it comes to her. I forget that when she acts unconcerned is when I should pay the most attention. When Bailey doesn't react, she's shutting down and going to that place I can't reach her.

I'm selfish.

It's a hard truth to come to grips with but a truth nonetheless. Fact is, we're both selfish - I placate or disregard her discomfort and she refuses to let me in fully, disregarding my feelings about our relationship.

In a way I see why we act the way we do. We speak but we don't talk, we hear but we don't listen. There's so much that we don't say and even more that we don't listen to and understand. I think we're so focused on making this work by any means that we're missing the 'means' right in front of us. We're so swept up in not repeating the mistakes of our pasts that we're doing just that. I'm forgetting to take her feelings into account and she's forgetting mine - big things in the short and long run but they're fixable.

Nothing about us is broken there's just a divide we have to find and fix. We can't waste time covering it up with sex or arguments anymore we need to actually talk and listen to each other - like we used to. I know we can do it, it'll be hard, but we can do it. Our relationship is never all bad - when it's good, which is more often than not, it's the best.

All I know is, when it's all said and done, we deserve each other. No one on this earth makes me feel like she does. She's considerate and caring, she takes such good care of me - reminding me of my health, making sure I eat well, keeping me fit with all of the work outs I begrudgingly agree to and the amazing sex I hungrily accept. But more than that, she shows me with her actions that she loves me even if she hasn't said it yet. She's ferocious and protective of me, she prays for me, she checks in on my family and prays for them. This woman has incorporated herself in my life in a way no one else has. When I come home, it actually feels like a home. I'm greeted at the door with love, food in the oven, and good loving through the night. She supports my talents and encourages me to be great. She believes in me and when I couldn't imagine doing any better she pushes and challenges me.

I have to grow up and really become a man to be the boyfriend and, hopefully one day, husband she deserves. As compliant as I think I've seemed I've been fighting against change as well – particularly that one. No one wants to be forced to face the fact that they're not as 'adult' as they thought they were. It takes a certain level of maturity to be in the relationship we're in and I'm not sure either of us is fully there but I know I don't want to do my growing with anyone else but her. Our problems are just as much my fault as her - full blame can't be placed on anyone.

We have to learn to stand together and fight side by side, not head to head. I think we're both stuck in our ways and because of that it's a harder fight but this is what your twenties are about - figuring out a way to grow up and thrive. I know we can help each other get there if we just get out of our own way.

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What's up my good people!!!!

I hope yall enjoyed the chapter and had a wonderful 4th of July!! Surprise surprise it's from Harry's POV. Yall can thank Forever1a8cynic for that because without their encouragement I never would've written it! I dedicated the chapter to them because I love this type of interaction between yall and me – it's inspiring!

SN: As much as I love this story I'm low key ready to move on so I'm hoping to finish it up before the month ends *Fingers Crossed*

As always, the chapter is unedited so please forgive any mistakes!!

This chapter's Question...

What'd you think of the chapter?

This chapter...

This was honestly SO freaking hard lol I haven't written from a male's pov since Awake and this was even harder because I placed all of this extra pressure on myself to narrate Harry 'perfectly'. I'm pretty sure I didn't lol but it's the best I could do. I really just wanted to give yall a peek into Harry's brain and show his thought process. I think both he and Bailey are very confused but the one thing they know for sure is they love each other and want to find a way to make things work.

This chapter's song...

Losin Control by Russ. I found this song via Kylie Jenner's snapchat lol As soon as I heard it I was like yooooo why is this LITERALLY Bailey and Harry to the freaking letter! I'm actually really glad Forever1a8cynic pushed me to write this chapter because had they not I wouldn't have been able to use this song and I really feel like it's perfect. Like their actual theme song lol

As for new follower S/O's...

This time we have:

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Thanks so much for following and I hope I don't disappoint!

Invite your friends to read and follow and leave me some feedback in the comments!! I love hearing from yall!!!!

Until Next Time,

WBN