October 21, 2020
Disappointment, deceit, betrayal, they're all a part of life. They infect each of our journeys at some point, but it's how we react to them that matters.
I reacted poorly for years. I let fear freeze me in place, too afraid to move forward for fear of repeating the same mistakes that were behind me. I let them taunt me and mold me into a shell of the woman I wanted to be. On the outside I looked like I had everything together and that was enough for me.
Until him.
He made me want to do better, to be a better version of myself until I could become the best, all the while loving me even when I fell short. I won't be cliché and say it took Harry loving me for me to be able to truly love myself, but his love for damned sure didn't hurt.
What I can say is his love encouraged me to love myself. It gave me hope and something to work towards. I knew that if I kept at it, working as hard as I could, one day I would be able to truly, madly, and deeply love him back the way he deserved. I knew then I wouldn't have to worry about either of us walking away because when you're loving and loved completely everything will always be okay in the end.
Fully loving myself is what allowed me to love Harry and loving Harry has allowed me to be free. Free of the weight of self-loathing, distrust in myself, distrust in others, and finally, free of the weight of my past mistakes and failures.
Looking at myself in the mirror I smile, finally comprehending one huge truth. Everyone's idea of love is not the same and it doesn't mean you're worthless if someone's idea of love hurts you, it means you're incompatible. It was the lesson that took the longest for me to learn, but that makes sense since it's the most important.
The value I see in every aspect of myself now is unmatched. Especially on a day like today â the day I marry my one true love.
We didn't rush our engagement, instead we waited two years to allow ourselves time to get every other aspect of our lives in order so we could actually enjoy planning our wedding. I can proudly say that every detail, down to the day we'll exchange our vows, was chosen by Harry and I as a couple. We decided to combine our birth months, the second for his and the eighth for mine, to get our wedding month and combined our birth days, the first for him and the twentieth for me, to get our wedding day. Our wedding colors - navy blue and silver â came from the wrapping on the clues Harry left me for our proposal and the idea to have a photo booth was one we decided on right away.
Nura comes in the room, looking beautiful in her navy blue bridesmaid gown, and gives me a thumbs up letting me know the area is paparazzi free. It was Harry's idea to leak a false wedding date and location so we could have our actual ceremony in peace. The options for where to have the ceremony were endless but in the end we decided to have it in California â our home.
The old theatre has been sitting abandoned for years. I'd driven past it countless times and one day it occurred to me to stop and see if I could take a look inside. I did a quick walkthrough and fell totally in love with the place. It took months to get in touch with the owners to buy it and even longer to renovate the place and get it up to code but with my plans to move into writing plays and movie scripts it seemed like a multipurpose purchase. It looks like something straight out of the old Hollywood glamor days â I couldn't be happier with it.
"We're almost ready to go?" my cousin Terra asks, stepping into the room. She looks so voluptuous in her mermaid cut maid of honor dress I couldn't stop fawning over her.
"I just need to put my veil on and I'll be ready to go," I reply, holding up the flowing material.
My mother steps in and grabs the veil from my hands, the tears in her eyes sparking mine.
"You look so beautiful baby girl," she says, sticking the comb to my veil beneath my curly bun.
"Thank you mommy," I reply, staring at myself in the mirror.
I haven't been able to stop smiling. For so long I never was able to imagine myself as a bride â a wife. I didn't think I would ever get married and I was content with that. Now seeing myself in such a beautiful dress it's shaking the idea that this is unreal to it's core.
I still remember the day I went dress shopping. I wanted it to be a personal thing so only my mom, sister, cousin and Amita and Damien came with me. I'd tried on what felt like a million dresses and although I loved certain things about a few dresses I couldn't find one that was perfect. It wasn't until my mom jokingly suggested I should just design my own that the idea took root. By the next day I was working with Zuhair Murad designing the dress of my dreams.
The mix of lace, tulle, and sheer material is beyond perfect. The sweetheart neckline accentuates my breasts and the A-line silhouette makes my waist look tiny. The soft tulle of the skirt creates a ball gown effect with a long train. It's also detachable so I can dance freely later on at the reception. The idea of getting to share my first dance with my husband lights a fire beneath me.
"Can you hand me my bouquet?" I ask Lina, pointing to the large calla lily bouquet.
Lina has to relinquish her role as unofficial videographer to grab the bouquet. "You ready sis?" she asks, placing the flowers in my hand.
I nod, the smile on my face threatening to split me in two. "On your way to your seat, let daddy know we're coming."
She assures me she will and gives me a hug before leaving the room.
"Did you make sure Harry got his gift for me Daph?" I ask just as my mother and I get to the door.
Daphne smiles, "Of course. Liam let me know he opened it and he'll be wearing it when you see him."
My heart skips a beat at that. I wanted to give him something personal before the wedding started so I bought him an engraved watch. I left a note with it and a little rhyme reminiscent of the ones he left me for his proposal.
Today my love we become one, after what feels like forever the time has come. This watch is a symbol between you and I that I will love you until the end of time.
Lina said it was corny and although that may be true I know he enjoyed the nod to the proposal he worked so hard on. In return he gave me a journal filled with things he never told me from early on in our relationship. Some parts were sweet, some emotional, some were hard to read, but they ended with a message he wrote in especially for today saying how proud and honored he is that I'll be taking his last name and how he can't wait for me to be his wife.
I'm downright giddy as we walk towards the entrance doors, my train flowing behind me.
"You look so beautiful I could cry boobear," my dad admits, wiping his eye with the back of his hand.
I hug him tightly before straightening his tie. "You're gaining another son today pops. It's a happy occasion, smile."
Everything about this day so far is exactly as I dreamed it would be. I couldn't imagine it getting any better, that is until the wedding march begins and the doors swing open.
Every emotion you can imagine rolls through me, spinning around like an uncontrollable twister. My parents are on either side of me, walking me down an aisle covered with a long ivory runner and framed by floral decorations so large and dramatic I'm surprised guests can see. The room is romantically lit by huge chandeliers and heavily decorated with fabric draped from the ceiling almost giving the room the cozy feel of a tented wedding. The decorations are dripping with crystals and beading giving everything a bougie flair.
The faces of our guests pass by slowly, each of them shining like the sun. Everyone here seems to be as happy as I am but there's no way that's possible.
As if my eyes are magnetized they find Harry. He looks so handsome in his white tux jacket, he was afraid it'd wash him out but the contrast between the black of his pants really makes the white stand out more. His eyes look a brilliant shade of green in this light, almost as if they're glowing â I can't take my eyes off of him. He decided to wear his hair down for the ceremony since mine would be up and I'm so glad he did. It frames his face perfectly as if presenting the face I get to look at for the rest of my life to me.
With every step, my heart beat slows and I can center in on the emotion I'm feeling. The cluster of feelings fall away one by one dropping like flies until one remains â joy. I feel an immense sense of joy that until now has been unmatched. I'm enjoying this game of seeing how our next step in life together tops the last, it's much better than any alternative.
I'm so lost in Harry's eyes and the future I see in them, I don't realize I've reached the altar until my dad pulls me into a hug, planting a kiss on my cheek. I hug my mother as my dad shakes Harry's hand. I hear him say, "Take care of her," before he and my mother take their seats.
Taking Harry's hands, I step up on the slightly raised stage. An arch of flowers rests above our heads cocooning us as we prepare to take our vows. Turning around slightly, I hand Terra my bouquet and catch a glimpse of Amita and Damien in the front row with their spouses. Amita and Berkley got married last year and wasted no time getting pregnant. They've got two months to go and then it's baby time â the main reason Amita isn't one of my bridesmaids today. I get smiles from the four of them before turning around to meet the eyes of my man.
Harry holds my hands and mouths, "I love you," making me smile wider â if that's possible. I mouth the words back before getting swept up in his eyes again. Before I know it, it's time for our vows and Harry's going first. My ears perk up when he pulls a slip of paper from his suit jacket.
"Sweetheart, our love has played out like a classical music piece. We began slow, unsteady and unsure â testing the waters, building a foundation to build on. But slowly, we confidently rose, piece by piece, note for note until we built into a grand crescendo, our love at it's highest point," Harry pauses, a small smirk to his lips as he shakes his head, "That analogy doesn't really work now that I think about it because classical pieces die down after the crescendo, they eventually end and we â we never will. Our love is more like music itself. It's passionate, loud, and sometimes hard to understand but no matter what it can be felt by everyone it comes in contact with. I didn't know anything was missing in my life until we met. I look back now knowing I wasn't living a full life until the day you entered mine. Every day I wake up, I wake knowing that nothing and no one could make me happier than you. It took a lot for you to risk your heart on me but my promise to you in front of everyone we love is to make sure you feel like it was a chance worth taking every day. I promise to love you with the same passion today as I did yesterday and more than the first time I realized I loved you. Even before you were mine I knew that I wanted you to be my wife and now the day is finally here. I love you Bailey and I can't wait for you to become Mrs. Styles."
His eyes are wet with tears and so are mine. I shouldn't be surprised by the sweet things he says or does but he still has the ability to amaze me â I hope that never fades.
I reach over and wipe a tear from his eye with the crook of my finger, making him go slightly red. Turning to Terra, she hands me my vows and I give Harry a small grin before beginning.
"I stand here today humbled. As you know, my love, I'm never wrong," I stop to allow the giggles from our guests to quiet down, "At the very least I never admit it, but today I'll happily eat my words. For years I believed love was something for everyone else, it wasn't until I met you that I realized I was wrong. The second I looked into your eyes I knew that my life was on the path to changing forever. You made me believe in love again and you gave me hope that it could happen for me. I never thought I could become one with another person and yet here we are; one in spirit and soon to be one by name. We've created a life, a world, together and I would love nothing more than to live in that universe in bliss for the rest of our lives. When we first met I told you that it wasn't in your personality to let lonely people be lonely and I was right. You've given me the companionship I needed and a guiding hand to help me grow past the things I was terrified of. You brought me to the change I needed but was scared to want and because of that I'm not afraid to say that I'd be lost without you. You love me just the way I am and although that's enough you somehow manage to do more. You are my hope when I feel hopeless, my strength when I'm weak, my help when I feel helpless, and my promise when I lose sight of what to fight for. I love you Harry Edward Styles, you are and will forever be my soulmate, my love, my absolute everything. I was born to be with you, to make you happy and I cannot wait to become your wife."
I don't think we even waited for the pastor to say we could kiss before we were in each other's arms. His lips feel so sweet against mine, as if him being my husband added an extra pinch of sugar to the kiss. I feel like I could leap into the air and fly with how light I feel â as if everything has finally fallen into place. I can't wait to see which moment in our future tops this one.
~*~
I've been barefoot throughout the entire wedding. My parents thought I was crazy for not wearing any shoes but it's been my plan since I was a little girl to be barefoot at my wedding. My free toes came in handy for my father daughter dance. I stood on the toes of my dad's shoes like I did when I was a little girl as we swayed to John Mayer's song Daughters. My mom eventually came on the floor and joined us and somehow it turned into the three of us holding hands swaying oddly. We looked more like a witch's circle than people dancing but I didn't care, I wanted to share the moment with both of my parents.
Harry danced with his mother and then his sister to a Beatles' song I can never remember the name of. They looked so excited and happy for him. Harry could hardly take his eyes off of me the entire time. I wanted to build anticipation between us for our first dance and if the look in his eye is any inclination my plan is working.
As Ed Sheeran takes the microphone he calls for Harry and I to come to the floor for our first dance as husband and wife. Harry all but drags me onto the floor making me giggle as I try to keep up. Spinning me into his arms, Harry pulls me close as Ed starts singing his song Thinking Out Loud. I've always dreamed of this moment and now that it's here I can honestly say reality beats fantasy.
As we sway in each other's arms, I look around at the crowd of adoring faces. Every person in this room wishes us the best, I can feel their energy. My happiness over this amazing day skyrockets when I look up at Harry, only to find him smiling down at me.
He has the same look on his face that he has when I catch him staring at me around the house. His smile is small but his eyes are what draw me in. It's like he's seeing me for who I am in the moment as well as all of the potential that he's seen in me from the beginning.
With another smile I place my head on his chest, closing my eyes. I want to commit this moment to memory. The way he smells, how it feels to be in his arms, the looks of the people who love us surrounding us â everything.
My mind travels to the month long honeymoon we're leaving for in the morning. Every week we'll be in a different location, from Italy to Paris to London and finally Turks and Caicos so we can lounge around and do nothing but make love and sip on mixed drinks. Although we're together nearly every day there are other distractions. I'm downright giddy at the thought that for a month there'll be barely anything other than me and him to crowd our time. I hope this feeling, of wanting to be with him, never goes away.
I feel so light around him. The amount of baggage I used to have went from weighing me down to feathery. Because of Harry I have someone to help me carry the load, someone to help me fight my demons, and someone to help scare away the monsters in my closet. That's what the vows we took today solidify, I never have to be alone again.
I'm still my own knight in shining armor, I don't think I'll ever stop saving myself but it's a hell of a lot easier to do with Harry's support.
He makes me feel weightless.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
I hope yall enjoyed the book! I wanted this to be a story about Bailey and Harry falling in love with each other but just as much I wanted them to fall in love with themselves and to believe in themselves more and go for what they wanted in life. I really wanted them to strive to get the most out of their adult lives after both of them spent a lot of their youth pleasing others. I wanted to make a transition for them - a growth so to speak - from only pleasing others to learning to also please themselves. I really hope that point was obvious before I explained it lol
Anyway, thank you so much for reading the book from start to finish. To get to this point - having over 52 thousand reads this is really a dream come true. I thank yall so much for tour support, yall are the reason I keep doing this!!
My next book is Lost Secrets - a new chapter of that will be going up tonight as well and from now on it'll be regularly updated as my main book!
I do have an idea for an epilogue for this book though if anyone is interested. If yall let me know yall want it within the week I'll go ahead and post it, if not I'll leave yall to imagine what you think Bailey and Harry's life turned out like and officially mark the book as complete- just let me know!!
Love you guys, be safe tonight,
WBN