"You have 6 basic needs that make us tick: certainty/comfort, uncertainty/variety, significance, love and connection, growth, contribution."
-Tony Robbins (TED talk)
The basic needs I want to narrow in on in this part of the chapter are: certainty/comfort, significance, love and connection because I think that all of those things have a part in why people stick to old ideals.
#1 certainty/comfort- if you have an ideal that has been in your mind and keeps on leading you to repeat the past, that's because it's uncomfortable to be uncertain; changing your ideals means that you have to accept the fact that you're wrong and find a way to stop your habitual mistakes.
#2 significance- ideals are formed and opinions are stated on a daily basis, now, that also means that this generation's new ideals could be completely different from the pasts ideals, that's where significance takes play. Typically, people achieve significance through the people around their age. The people you feel significance with are the people that influence your opinions; this leads to old ideals getting passed from generation to generation but also allows for new generations to talk on new ideals, but we learn from people of older generations, so old ideals get passed down.
#3 Love and Connection- similar to significance, love and connection is all about generations ideals intertwining, and repeating past mistakes; because, new generations learn from past generations, they grow to love and feel connected to them, old ideals are the groundwork of this "great" country; while yes this country was formed on ideals- we have grown so much and deserve a re-evaluation.
Our basic needs that make us tick determine the way we make our decisions, you stay in your comfort zone, leaving it makes you feel lost, you stick to the people that make you feel significant and loved, that you feel connected to.
Learning to accept new ideals can often times change the way the people you're closest to sees you. Accepting change is always hard, because people like consistency and routine, they like to know what's going to happen next, and they like to feel accepted by those around them. Change sometimes can make everything around you seem awful for a while... until the new ideals set in, people start seeing that a change is happening; then you see how brighter the future can be if we can learn from old ideals that created past mistakes instead of repeating them.
So, instead of having to get to the point of an all out war over an old ideal...... I'm going to explain how we can change our mindsets towards something that is out of anyone's control... "change".
"Whenever your opinions or beliefs are so intertwined with your self-image that you couldn't pull them away without damaging your core concepts of self, you avoid situations that may cause harm to those beliefs." -David McRaney
Change is hard but change is necessary.
We talked about 3 of the 6 basic needs that make us tick, the 3 that limit us, keeps us stagnant; now here's how we can inspire change by using the other 3 basic needs.
#1 Uncertainty/variety- although uncertainty conflicts with our comfort, we need it to feel content, if you're always comfortable, always certain of what's going to happen in chronological order, then we get bored with our lives, we start feeling too comfortable with where we're at in life, so we start feeling uncomfortable. We start questioning ourselves and our beliefs, this is where the uncertainty sets it. In order to change and to grow you have to re-evaluate the beliefs you were taught... you have to figure out if those beliefs are right or if they're just old ideals. Some traditions formed by ideals should be kept, like family gatherings for holidays, or special events... but traditions that limit you, discourage friendships/relationships, degrade a race or a gender, or discourage you from learning from your own mistakes aren't traditions, they're other peoples insecurities, ignorance, and close mindedness being forcefully pushed down from generation to generation with fear of judgement as it's fuel power.
#2 Growth- when you break free from your comfort zone by adding in uncertainty, you're giving growth a chance to make an appearance in your life. So, instead of freaking out when you don't see any growth happening in your life, just sit down and re-evaluate, reflect on the beliefs you have that are holding you back, think about the things you are doing because of those beliefs and ask yourself, is this helping my future or hurting it?
Now, staying in that state of mind let's think about my last point in this chapter;
#3 Contribution- If you're not growing as an individual, what can you do to contribute to something good? Something bigger than yourself? If you see a belief that's holding you back, I guarantee you that there's at least one person struggling with the same belief... so, figure out how you can maybe not change the belief completely but improve it, find a way that you can stop an old ideal from being repeated because no one wants to step up and make a change.
"Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world, today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
-Rumi
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing themselves."
-Leo Tolstoy
Start changing from within, despite what the world thinks and they'll catch on.
How we can start changing ourselves from within.
#1- start seeking out new opportunities; find new things to do, new ideas to explore, new people to befriend, this will open yourself up to new experiences; and ultimately help you to question your old ideals.
#2- don't stick to people with the same beliefs as you; stop judging other for their differences and start appreciating the differences. Often times, we look at people and subconsciously stereotype them. While that can keep you protected, it can also limit you. You never know someone's story until you get to know them.
#3- do your homework; if you're beginning to question an old ideal or belief do your research; don't be afraid to challenge things you don't agree with.
By experiencing new things, making friends that are different from you, and doing your homework; you can open your mind up to change, and you can open your life to growth... our old ideals can be keeping us stagnant; you will never grow as much as you can if you can't accept change; so, if you're feeling like your life keeps taking you in circles; the same problems keep arising don't be afraid to re-evaluate your ideals; don't be afraid to make a change even if it alters your comfort, significance and connections. It's okay to be uncomfortable, lost in life, and defeated just as long as you don't stay in those states of mind. You can make a change in yourself and inspire others to change because of it.
Author's note
A sense of leadership was first felt when I was 11 years old and I realized I was different and I was okay with that.
As I grew I adopted traits from my older sister who has always been very outgoing and charismatic- which I'm sure was learned from my Mother who is the same way. Solitude has always been something I enjoy but learning from others helped me to see that being sociable and being able to speak to anyone are traits worth building.
Leadership has a lot to do with learning from others and being able to adapt to new ways of life that benefit yourself and much bigger than that; all of us. As I grew I have been quiet allowing those in whom I felt comfortable and accepted by and creating opposition towards subjects controversial in our social dynamic whenever I felt necessary despite my quiet nature; using facts and intellect to guide my argument as opposed to feelings and opinions.
Unbeknownst to myself there were things I believed at times that went against what I believe today; that is the beauty of life and understanding. For being wrong and accepting change allows you to look back on where you have been and see that others are able to change as well- with understanding is when compassion is able to do it's work.
True leaders know that we all have the same capabilities and potential some people just don't have the self esteem, knowledge, resources or work ethic to get there. Therefore, leaders believe in others so much that learning from and with them comes natural. Learning these things have created positivity and understanding within personal and professional relationships; at times I have lost sight of these things and forgotten my capabilities. When I was 19- I saw a TED talk; I was very interested in leadership and how to incorporate it into my life since I had felt such a strong pull to it due to my early life experiences and what the important people in my life have taught me with words and/or actions. This chapter about old ideals leading to past mistakes was written after watching that TED talk and edited after finding it in my phone years later, I still can say that I agree with it and can see how those things have affected my opinions and my life.
At the end of the day true leaders don't rely on opinions to affect their view on the world because a leader knows that they can't possibly understand the world as well as we think- facts and logic mixed with compassion and understanding is how a leader approaches the world and the people they meet so never be afraid to question yourself or others but make sure you're treating them as though they are people with the same things that make them tick for we never know where someone has been, who they have been around or the opinions they have based off of those things. What we can do is try to understand and inform others of things they may not understand with a hope for acceptance of change within ourselves and those around us as life goes on and we have new life experiences.