Chapter 3: chapter 3

The Girl Who Hated FartsDo you know any human being who doesn’t fart at all? All human beings fart, don’t they? And some do it more than others!Did you know that the world’s oldest joke is a fart joke? Farts have entertained humanity for centuries.But there was once a small girl who hated farts. This is her story.Kittu lived with her grandparents, mother, father and baby sister. Since her sister had just been born, the family hadn’t yet decided on a name, so the baby was predictably called Baby.One day, Kittu went up to Baby. Baby smiled faintly when she saw her elder sister. But unfortunately, the minute Kittu touched her back and stroked her, she let out a big fart!PURRRRRRR …Kittu was shocked. ‘Such unladylike behaviour,’ she thought. If there was one thing Kittu hated, it was farts. She was very disappointed with her new sister.‘Yuck! What is this, Baby? Don’t you know it is rude to fart?’ she asked disgustedly.Their mother came up to the two girls. ‘Aww, it was just gas. Poor Baby just lies on her tummy all day. She needs to pass gas when she drinks milk. Else her tummy will ache terribly.’ Their mother stroked Baby’s back some more, prompting a soft fart.Toot!Kittu shook her head. ‘Even if she has to fart, can’t she do it quietly? Why does she have to rumble it out like Dada does?’ Kittu walked out of the room in disgust.Dada was Kittu’s grandfather. Every day he would get up at 6 a.m. and do his yoga routine, during which he would let out the choicest and noisiest of farts. It was like an alarm clock because it would wake the whole house up. Worst of all, when Kittu complained and grumbled about his passing wind openly, Dada would smile and let one more fart out. He could literally fart at will!She knew Amma would always take Baby’s side. If she wanted to protect her new sister from this terrible habit, she would have to have a serious talk with Appa.Once day, when her father was washing his hands after dinner, Kittu began, ‘Appa, you need to do something about Baby. She farts too much. We need to go and return her to the hospital.’‘Hmm, return her? Why? She is a newborn. She hasn’t learnt any manners yet. Give her some time.’ He reclined in his armchair.Kittu jumped onto his lap. ‘Oh no. She will never learn. She will become like Dada, farting all the time. She will embarrass me in school.’ Kittu shuddered.‘Kittu, everyone farts. We will try to teach her not to fart,’ reassured Appa. Kittu was not appeased. However, as she jumped up and down on Appa’s tummy, he could not hold in his own fart. He screwed up his face and let out a loud, satisfying fart.PAAAAOOOOOO!Kittu stared open-mouthed at him. Her own father! How could he! Betrayed, she stomped off to her room and went to sleep in a huff. The next morning she fumed as her mother helped her get ready for school.‘Did you say goodbye to Dada?’ asked her mother.Kittu shook her head sulkily. ‘I don’t want to talk to him. He farted so loudly yesterday. It’s gross!’‘Come on, Kittu. You can’t judge people for farting. Farting is good for our health. It releases gases that otherwise stay trapped in our body. It can help bowel movements. Even I fart,’ argued Amma.Kittu turned on her angrily and exclaimed, ‘I don’t want to be part of this family any longer. You’re all farters!’Kittu had decided she would run away. That morning, she didn’t take her usual route to school. Instead, she took a detour to the children’s park. Dadi brought her here on weekends. She would drop Kittu in the children’s area and meet her own friends. Then Dadi would buy vegetables, after which she would come back to collect Kittu and they would both eat ice cream on the way back home.A little while later, her stomach started grumbling as she sat on the grass thinking. Her mother had packed her a tiffin box, but she didn’t want to eat roti-subzi. She had saved up some money this Diwali, so she went to a roadside stall and ordered a sandwich.The sandwich-wala started chatting. ‘Beta, hungry from studying so much? Wait, I will make a great sandwich for you.’ Kittu was not in the mood to chat.After putting his finishing touches on it, he handed Kittu her vegetable sandwich. ‘I have put a lot of chaat masala and pudina chutney with ginger in your sandwich. It will aid your digestion. Give you a couple of first-class farts,’ he said, guffawing loudly.Kittu stared at him angrily and stood a little distance away with her sandwich. She didn’t want to eat next to anyone who farted.Back home, the school had called her family to check about Kittu’s absence. There was immediate panic. Amma called Appa and asked him to meet her in front of the school, while Dada and Dadi decided to walk around the neighbourhood and make enquiries. Dada went to the children’s library he often took Kittu to. Dadi took off to the children’s park.There, Dadi found Kittu, sitting on a bench, muttering to herself. Relieved to have found her, Dadi sat down next to her.‘What happened, beta? Why didn’t you go to school? Whom are you angry with?’ Dadi asked in a kind tone.‘Grrr … don’t ask. Our whole family is disgusting. All of them love farting loudly. Dada, Amma, Appa and even Baby. I never want to go home,’ mumbled Kittu, although she was secretly glad that Dadi had come looking for her. Her tummy had begun to hurt a little.‘Oh no. What’s wrong with farting? It’s good for your body and also spiritually satisfying,’ Dadi said with a smile.‘Yes, but why can’t you fart silently? Then at least other people don’t have to hear it,’ clarified Kittu.‘You know, when I was a child, I also hated it when people farted loudly,’ Dadi said. ‘It was so yucky. And then after doing it, they would always laugh shamelessly. But when I complained about it, my grandfather used to say:Daramburam bhayam naasti (Loud farts do not stink.)Koieyyam kotaakasya madhyaman (There is some odour when the fart is not too soft but not too loud in its noise.)Thissad ghoram mahaddhoram (It is stinky when the fart is hissing in its sound.)Nishabdam pranam sankatam (But the silent fart is the killer one.)’Dadi laughed. ‘Beta, farting is a good thing. It is a sign of good health. Even yoga has a position called Pawanmuktasana which releases all the gas from our body. It literally means “free the air”. Fart and let it pass. The same goes for anger, negativity and sadness. Let it all out.’Kittu sighed. She was tired. And her tummy was hurting a bit more now. This running-away-from-home business had been very exhausting. She said, ‘Dadi, take me home. My tummy is hurting.’‘Okay, let’s go,’ Dadi said. ‘Maybe you should try some yoga asanas for your tummy ache? Pawanmuktasana can help.’Kittu gave Dadi a dirty look and started to walk. But she realised that her shoelaces were undone. So she sat on her haunches to retie her laces and …Pooorrrrr … phusukk!One very reluctant fart!Kittu looked up at Dadi in alarm. Dadi, of course, pretended she hadn’t heard anything. Kittu sighed in relief and straightened up. Her tummy wasn’t hurting any more. Maybe farting wasn’t all that bad.‘Let’s go home, Dadi,’ Kittu squealed. But Dadi had a better plan, ‘Let’s have some ice cream first, Kittu,’ and they walked towards the ice cream cart.