Jay's P. O. V.
After a few hours of test after test, they finally bring me back to my room to sleep. Ben should be back soon so they can tell us the results together, but right now I'm not even sure I'll be able to stay awake long enough. My body just feels so exhausted.
When was the last time I actually woke up feeling refreshed? Just as my eyes are about to drop closed, my phone buzzes with a text from Ben. 'Be there soon! Bringing supper :)'
Despite my tired state, I can't help but smile. Maybe I'll just try to stay awake so I'm not sleeping when he gets here. I'm not sure how much I really feel like eating, but for some reason just seeing him always cheers me up a bit.
I sit up with a frown as my chest becomes rattling again. I let out a few harsh coughs as I try to clear my airways, but it doesn't help much and instead just hurts my chest. I rub the pained spot and lay back with a frustrated sigh.
At least I'm not so nauseous anymore. Coughing earlier just made the feeling of needing to puke worse. They gave me painkillers for my headache, so it's died down for once.
The door creaks open and I turn to see Ben shuffling in with his arms full. "Hey." I rattle out, and break into a coughing fit again.
His eyebrows scrunch with concern and he quickly tries to set all the things he's holding down before rushing over to me.
I manage to catch my breath after a few moments, and give him a weak smile.
Something flashes in his eyes, and he pulls me into a hug. I relish in the comforting feeling for a moment before pulling away.
"I brought food." He smiles but something in his expression doesn't quite match the look in his eyes.
"Did you eat?" I ask, and he shakes his head. "I'm not very hungry right now." He says, trying to brush off my question.
I purse my lips and stare at him. He continues pulling out containers, napkins, and utensils, until I finally catch his gaze.
"What's that look for?" He asks.
"Well, you're all worried about me, but I'm worried about you." I catch a slight flush of his cheeks, but he stays silent.
"I'm fine." He finally mumbles, but his face betrays him for the truth.
"Ben." I say in a warning tone, ready to scold him about taking care of himself.
The door to the room opens, interrupting the start of my speech. Ben's dad walks in with a file and plops back onto his rolling stool. "Alright, I've got the results here." He slaps the file onto the bed.
I catch Ben's eye with a look that I hope communicates that our conversation will be finished later.
"I'll let you guys look over it; Ben has enough medical experience by now that he'll be able to understand it. Look it over, talk a bit, and let me know when you're ready to discuss treatment options." He exits the room and I catch his neutral expression shift to worry just as he closes the door.
I stare at the file for a few moments, scared to even look at its information. I track Ben's expression to the same thought process and after a few moments of contemplation, finally lean over to pick it up.
Ben's P.O.V.
He picks up the file folder and slowly opens it, eyes reading the lines. The tension in the room is heightened. My eyes catch his shaking hands and my stomach drops. Please, don't let it be what I think it is. He doesn't deserve it.
Jay's P.O.V.
There's always one moment.
A point of no return.
One where you wonder, if you'd never known what could happen, could something have changed somehow?
Would the train to death be stopped if you weren't aware of its departure from the last station and the journey to your own?
I slowly open the file folder and start reading, freezing when a single word jumps out at me.
...Cancer?
I have... Cancer?
I feel suddenly lightheaded. I look up at Ben's face and can see his lips moving, but all I can I hear is the ringing in my ears before everything goes black.
âââââââââ
I open my eyes to Ben's concerned face and feel a stab in my heart at the expression. Everything comes rushing back and I make a sudden decision: I have to do everything possible to keep that look off his face.
"Ben..." I start. "I know." He says with a sad smile. He pulls me into a hug that I'm not sure who needs more. I try not to think about what this means for me... for us. Is there... even an us?
I blink rapidly, trying not to cry at the mere thought of a future that may cease to exist now for a plethora of reasons.
No... I'm going to be strong for him. I fix my face into a neutral expression as we pull away.
I lay back against the bed and stare out the window into a now darkened sky. He silently hands me a bowl of food, and I start eating as I continue to turn pages of the file.
Oh great. I have pneumonia right now. No wonder my lungs feel like hell. At least they can fix that. I put the papers aside, a little too shaken to continue.
We eat together in silence, the only sound in the room being the beeping of the monitors and the ticking of the clock, interrupted every few minutes with my coughing.
I finally find my voice. "When can we go home?" Ben looks at me for a second, then smiles gently. "I can have my dad get the antibiotics for your pneumonia sent with us. I've looked at the rest of the file and we can probably discuss the other things there, or I can call him. I'll go see about getting you released."
He stands and exits the room, smiling at me once more before closing the door behind himself.
I deeply exhale a shaky breath, emotions settling in place. I turn back to the window, looking at the dark evening sky.
A nurse has pulled open the window and a cool night breeze gently tickles through the room, making the white hospital curtains flutter. The streets are so quiet, with only the sound of the occasional creature moving past.
Everything around me seems quiet and calm, but all I feel is numb. I watch as the streetlights click on, interrupting the darkness of the night with their bright glare.
I remember driving home late one night from an event at the company my mother worked at. I couldn't have been older than 10, but I was trying not to doze off in the backseat while my parents talked in hushed angry tones at the front of the car.
It was raining gently, but through the water covered window panes I'd peer into the darkness and count the streetlights.
Lex was hunched over in the seat next to me, texting on her first phone which she'd got for her thirteenth birthday. I watched the glow of the screen dancing on her face for a moment, before turning back to the window and counting again. Always counting.
I'd gotten up to 38 streetlights, my eyes just about to drop closed, when a sharp jerk from the quick stop of the car threw us all forward in our seats.
The car was completely silent for a few moments, just the rain drumming on the exterior, and a car's headlights crossing the intersection in front of us. I heard a parent let out a breath, and the car puttered on again, now in an eerie silence.
How much had things really changed? I suppose as I'd gotten older I'd come to terms with the fact that my parents would probably never really get along.
The truth was, they married for status. With my mom as the assistant for the CEO of a powerful company and my dad a hard headed businessman, they claimed the position of power couple and didn't look back.
After years of arguing they eventually just mostly started avoiding each other around the house. Of course, at any public event, they instead posed as the doting couple.
But as for home, interactions easily became few and far between. They'd each shut themselves up in their offices, and Lex and I eventually just learned to fend for each other.
She stayed after graduation from high school, starting college online at home while working two part time jobs to save money for her own place and to pay off her school loans.
Our parents fell apart a long time ago, but we stuck together. I'd always been dependent on her, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I needed to let her be free.
It felt as if I was holding her back from a unspoken dream, that she stayed because she worried about me. How could I put another weight on her? How was I supposed to tell her... that I had cancer?
"Hey." I turn, startled out of my thoughts by the sound of Ben's voice. "Hi." I reply, looking back at him.
"They're just finishing up the paperwork. We'll call my dad tomorrow and set up some appointments and such."
I nod, moving to sit up completely but instead falling into another coughing fit. My lungs are burning from the exertion and my throat feels so raw that it's beginning to hurt to talk for more than a few sentences at a time.
A nurse comes in with a wheelchair and I raise an eyebrow at Ben, wondering how necessary it really is. He just shrugs in response as the nurse helps me into the wheelchair. I just go along with it, no longer having the mental energy to argue.
Ben rolls me out of the building, out to the parking lot where his car is waiting. I climb in and Ben goes to return the wheelchair, reminding me he'll be right back. I watch him return to the building, keeping a watchful eye on his retreating figure.
I lay my head back against the rest with a deep sigh, still processing everything.
A year ago I was completely healthy- living at home, playing football, and spending spare time running, training, and hanging out with friends. Now I've got cancer, was kicked out of my own house for being who I truly am, am off the football team for the foreseeable future, and my spare time has turned into laying on the couch trying not to scream in pain.
The only good thing that has come out of all of this is Ben. Though I've only known him for a short amount of time, something about being around him just feels right.
It's kind of strange, because if someone asked me to put it into words I'd struggle. There's just something about his smile, his voice, his goofiness, and his personality that makes me feel all warm inside. Gosh I sound sappy.
I watch Ben as he makes his way out of the building and back to the car under the glow of the streetlights. He looks both ways and steps off the curb, twirling his car keys around his finger as he walks. He passes by another light and I catch a glimpse of his distant expression, something about his face betraying that his thoughts are elsewhere.
His keys suddenly fly off his finger, startling himself. He looks around the lot quickly before using the flashlight on his phone to find them again.
He continues his walk back toward the car, keys now clutched in his hand. I didn't realize until now, but at some point he ditched his crutches for a boot. Everything from the past several hours has blurred together anyway, at this point there's not much logic in trying to make sense of it.
He arrives at his car door and climbs in, giving me a small smile before buckling up and starting the car.
I rest my head on my hand and stare out the window as he drives, my mind completely blank as I stare at the scenery, until I suddenly remember I had a question to ask him.
"When'd you ditch the crutches?" I ask, breaking the silence. He glances over at me as he stops at an intersection.
"My dad came by to check on my ankle while you were sleeping earlier. I shouldn't have the boot for very long though."
I nod, turning back to look out the window as we pull up to the apartment. He shuts off the car and opens his door. "Don't get out yet." He tells me, coming around the car and opening my door.
"It's not like I can't walk." I remark.
He smirks and holds his hand out for me to take, and I can't help but make eye contact. My gaze gets stuck on his bright green eyes and I find myself unable to look away.