Ben's P.O.V.
One never plans to be put in a precarious position. One part of the mind absolutely ready to give into a desire, the other part telling you it won't end well.
Jay's lips are inches from mine, and I'm so tempted to just close the gap.
But where would that leave us?
How selfish would it be for me to start a relationship with him when he's already got so much on his plate?
The picture of Jay sobbing brokenly on that bench, telling me he doesn't want to die, flashes before my eyes and I pull away.
I have to put him first, not my own desires.
"Sorry, are you alright?" I ask.
He breaks eye contact, looking off to the side to avoid my gaze.
"Yeah, sorry, I got kind of lightheaded when I stood up." He says, playing with his sleeves.
We remain in awkward silence, avoiding each other's gazes, until I awkwardly clear my throat and gesture to the kitchen. "Right, um, I'll go start supper then."
He nods and I leave, cursing myself in my head as I round the corner.
The fact is, I've tried. I've tried to convince myself that he's just a friend I care a lot about.
But if I stop kidding myself, the fact is that I've developed a connection to him. One where I want to be more than just friends.
I pull out ingredients and set them on the counter, though my mind is in the clouds.
Having a person like him come into my life unexpectedly has changed so many things.
Sure, my friends have always been there for me. River and Emerson have gotten me through a lot, but as we've gotten older I can tell that we've drifted apart.
Moving into my own apartment was definitely a big change, and the loneliness of being by myself so much more often tended to grate away at my already pretty fragile mental state.
It wouldn't be so bad if I was a more outgoing person. At least then I'd have more friends. However, the very concept of trying to manage my anxiety made that quite difficult.
Of course, anxiety was also connected to some rough times that led to me starting anti-depressants, as I probably should've started long before then.
If I really think about it, we've both got enough things to deal with. I can't be sitting here putting my problems on him when he's sitting here worrying that he could be suddenly gone any day as his cancer progresses.
A spike of pain suddenly shoots through my hand and I look down to realize I've managed to skim my finger chopping potatoes for the soup.
I curse under my breath and cradle my finger with my other hand, going down the hall to the bathroom to find a bandaid.
I rummage through a few cabinets, my memory failing me. Just as I start to question whether I actually own any, I find a box, only to bump into a body as I turn around, making me jump.
Jay's hands settle on my shoulders and he grimaces. "Sorry, I wasn't trying to scare you."
My heart's pounding a hundred miles a minute, and I have to shake myself out of a blank stupor.
"Oh, no it's my fault. I wasn't looking where I was going."
Jay glances at the box of bandaids I'm holding and sighs, taking a hand and looking it over. "Did you cut yourself?"
"It's just a little one, I'm fine."
I pause and frown.
"You're supposed to be resting while I cook."
He shrugs. "Well, that's boring, and clearly you need supervision anyway."
I sigh and walk back to the kitchen with Jay following.
"I could help you cook, you know." He says, watching me pull out a pot.
I wave a hand at him. "It's fine, I've got it."
He looks at me dubiously, but I ignore it and continue cooking.
My phone rings suddenly, lighting up to display River's name.
I grimace. "I'll be right back." I say, picking up my phone and starting toward the hall. I pause and turn back toward him. "No cooking."
He sighs dramatically but I leave him be nonetheless and pick up the phone as I go toward my room.
"Hey, what's up?" I say, hoping he'll finally tell me why he's been so off lately.
"Hey, I just wanted to remind you about the downtown event again. I know things have been kind of crazy so it slipped my mind a bit."
"Em's been working on the last minute preparations, so we should be good to go, but if you'd stop down tomorrow during it that'd be good. I just want to have an extra set of hands nearby if we need the help."
"Yeah I can do that. I'll bring Jay down too and we can just spend the day there."
"Alright, sounds good." He says.
There's a beat of silence and I chew my lip, debating whether to say something about his latest behavior.
"Look, I-" "Are you-"
We simultaneously begin to talk over each other then abruptly stop.
River pauses, then says, "Sorry, go ahead."
I take in a breath before speaking. "Are you doing okay?"
River sighs.
"I'm just... trying to figure some things out."
I pause for a moment, uncertain exactly how to respond.
"Well, if there's anything I can help with, or if you just need to talk about it, let me know."
"Okay. Thank you." He says, though I can tell he's still unsettled.
"Uhh, that's really all I had to tell you I guess. See you guys tomorrow." He continues.
I tell him goodbye and hang up, trying to hurry back to the kitchen in hopes that Jay hasn't managed to destroy the food while I've been gone.
Surprisingly, everything is in order, and all the ingredients for the soup have been chopped. His back is to me as he searches the cabinets, likely for a pot.
"Hey, so-" I pause as he jumps a good foot in the air. "Ah, sorry, I wasn't trying to scare you."
He shakes his head. "It's not your fault, I've just been kind of jumpy."
I rub the back of my neck. "Yeah, you're not the only one. I think I'm just a jumpy person in general though." I say with a shrug.
He smiles, turning back to the cabinets. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
"Oh, there's a festival downtown tomorrow. River could use a few people hanging around in case they need extra help. I was just wondering if you would want to go with me?" I ask, suddenly shy.
He turns back to face me again with a grin stretching across his face. "Of course! That sounds fun."
He pulls a pot out of a cupboard with a satisfied expression, now humming to himself.
I can't help but watch him with a smile, something about him just striking me within.
He turns toward me, pointing at the pot he's set on the stove.
"Think that will be big enough?" He asks. I nod, walking over and gently nudging him out of the way.
"Yes, but I'm doing the cooking here, remember? We had a deal."
He leans against the counter, crossing his arms and smirking at me. "Welllll, technically I never agreed not to cook."
I pause and give him a look.
"Seriously, you're always having me rest but you hardly take a moment for yourself. I can manage to cook some soup." Jay states, taking away the ladle I'm holding.
I sigh. "Fine, I'm going to go tidy up the bedroom quick. PLEASE be careful."
I give him one last look and go down the hall to the bedroom, looking at the mess splayed out on my desk with a sigh. At this point I can't even remember the last time I could properly see its wooden surface.
I tend to get into a habit of creating dump zones around the apartment and not actually properly putting things away, so it's a wonder at this point that I don't have four other piles in various rooms to clean up.
Of course, shoes are usually the biggest problem, as I end up strewing them everywhere and then can never find the pair I'm looking for.
I shove the papers into one collective pile to sort through later, and am able to get my first glimpse of the top of the desk. However, it doesn't make much of a difference since it's still scattered with forgotten reminders on neon sticky notes, paper clips, notebooks, and various writing utensils. I'm very tempted to just get a box and push everything off the top into it.
I dig through my closet in search for one, pulling out a box that I thought was empty, until I open it to find the painting supplies that I abandoned several months back due to the overwhelming amount of memories.
I set it to the side, finally finding an empty box to contain the mess until I get to putting everything away properly on one of my full blown cleaning sprees.
In one fell swoop, I shove everything off the desk surface into the box and set it aside to deal with later. Yes, I'm totally great at cleaning, I know.
Of course, after putting everything in the box I then realize that my dirty laundry has been haphazardly thrown on the floor for the past week. I'm fabulous at first impressions.
I shove the laundry in the hamper with the intent to take it to the floor's laundry room, but quickly become distracted by a pile of books that are supposed to be on one of my many living room bookcases.
Of course, picking one up makes me realize that it's a really good book that I haven't read in a while. What was I doing?
I take the books out to the living room and start putting them onto my shelf, but they don't quite fit how I want them to. Maybe if I just rearrange a bit...
"Ben, soup's ready... What are you doing?"
I pause, looking around at the pile of books accumulated around me on the floor and the nearly empty bookcases in front of me. "Uh, rearranging?"
He smirks at me, amused. He brings the two bowls of soup he's holding over and sits next to me on the floor, setting them down and picking up a book.
I move my bowl of soup out of the way and suddenly realize which book he's holding.
"Uh, maybe not that one." I say, face turning bright red as I snatch it out of his hand.
He glances at the cover and raises an eyebrow. "What kind of romance books are you reading?"
I hastily shove it on to the shelf, avoiding eye contact and making myself busy by grabbing more books.
I catch him smirking out of the corner of my eye, but thankfully, he doesn't say anything and goes back to his soup.
I busy myself with the bookshelf for several minutes, but become distracted by a heavy clink of spoon against bowl.
I turn back toward him to find him holding his head with a pained expression, eyes scrunched shut and jaw locked.
I move his soup bowl and scoot closer, gently pushing his shoulders back so he's leaning against a bookcase for support.
"Remember, deep breaths." I say, trying to distract him.
I watch as his face slowly relaxes after a few moments, and his eyes open again. He takes a deep breath, running a hand down his face and shaking his head. "Sorry, I'm fine now."
I bite my lip, trying to read his face before pressing forward with the words on the tip of my tongue.
"Okay... but you'd be doing a lot better if you'd go see my dad for a longer appointment. Can I set one up for you now? I'll go with you." I suggest.
He sighs heavily but makes eye contact with me and gives me a hesitant nod.